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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice because im crushed

59 replies

Kajawe · 28/12/2022 16:56

Ladies…please, don’t straight away say:’kick him out’,’end this’,’stay because of a child’….life it’s more complicated then that….I need YOUR POINT OF VIEW, put yourself in my shoes.that’s what I’m asking for.what YOU would do?Because I’m lost like never before….
im with my partner over 8years. Child, family, happy home, bla bla bla
He was always womaniser, flirty guy, etc but he stops.Stops because I’m supper possessive.He done little shot here and there and I forgive.I NEVER done anything to doubt in my love…
Everything was perfect. Sex is great. He always likes doing pictures when I’m looking nice in my little sexy stuff and durning the sex. He created special folder in his phone to keep all that pic and that’s fine.He is not watching porn but instead he is looking into his little keepsakes and enjoying.
Recently his best friend get a girlfriend and yesterday I found her completely naked pic in MY folder!!!!! He send it to him to show how nice she looks and instead checking,deleting and forgetting-he moved her pic into this folder,where he is checking VERY often…
I started shaking,every fibre of my body is saying I have enough.Im tired….
I didn’t argue.he said sorry million times and I just said that this time he fucked up nicely…I didn’t expect that!we are couple with 3kids!we together 8years!we still have all kind of sex every other day!!!!!!!!!!!!I keep myself in shape,im good with keeping home perfect,despite full time job!
I feel drained and he is doing THAT….Leave…how?and over photo?
stay?how?????rest of trust I had is gone…
he deliberately took photo out of chat with his friend and move to special folder!!!!it’s not like he forgot photo in general photo place …..
ok. What you would do? With broken soul,heart and mind…what you would do?

OP posts:
Jenhen89 · 28/12/2022 16:59

Depends if you’re willing to live with the knowledge that he did this and whether you can move on or not. If you can’t, you’ll both be unhappy and resentment will build and build. You need to have a frank chat with him.

Cosycover · 28/12/2022 17:02

You realise his best mate has seen you in all your glory too then?

Disgusting. I could not forgive this.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 28/12/2022 17:03

He's the kjbd of man who shares intimate photos women with other men. You know the photos of you i' looking sexy' thatvhechas on his phone? His mates will a have seen themv too right?

Original poster
Kajawe · 28/12/2022 17:04

Dear Jenhen89… I think resentment was building from long time after little things he done before…and this is just another thing to a pile and I feel tired of trying. Why I should try to keep him happy if he can’t do it for me….any advice what to say in a conversation?because I know he will say sorry 3mlion times and he will think it’s healing my broken to pieces heart.and after that going back to normal life, always waiting for another thing….

OP posts:
Highlyflavouredgravy · 28/12/2022 17:08

You don't need to have a conversation with him. You just need to spend some time thinking about what you want your life to look like.
Is this it? Do you, in 20 years time, wantcto look back and thinkvi have spent my life trying to pleaae this man who has hurt me over and over again.

Warspite · 28/12/2022 17:10

First of all I’d be terrified he, like his mate, is sharing photos of YOU with other men. Stop allowing him to do that NOW.
It might not help if your photos are already “out there” and available to all his mates/public, but you could delete the current photos on his phone. Just make sure he doesn’t secrete hidden cameras in the bedroom/house that you don’t know about.
Im so sorry you are going through this and I’ve no advice about regaining trust. It’s a dreadful situation to be in. Others coming along might have better advice for you about regaining trust.

HappyAxolotl · 28/12/2022 17:11

I'll bet the phto of sleazy mate's girlfriend was sent without her consent. And your partner doesn't care if she consented or not. And neither do the rest of his sleazy mates. And I hate to say but he's probably shared your pictures round the group too.

Motnight · 28/12/2022 17:15

Your partner and his mate are sleazy.

hattie43 · 28/12/2022 17:19

It sounds a very submissive relationship with you seemingly doing all you can to keep him on side . The whole relationship sounds very unhealthy but only you can decide what your boundaries are . All I can say is no one I know would allow photos of themselves to be stored on someone's phone for all the reasons given here .

supercali77 · 28/12/2022 17:20

First of all stop trying. Stop sending him photos. Tell him to remove them all from his phone in front of you. Tell him you want to see his messages immediately. If he's sent your photos to his mates report him to the police, it's a crime to share nudes without consent. Then decide whether you want to live with this for the rest of your life.

Forkthenspoon · 28/12/2022 17:25

Sharing intimate images without consent of the person in the image is I believe now a criminal offence now

MadMadMadamMim · 28/12/2022 17:30

I'd have dumped him years ago, to be honest. He's pretty disgusting. You do know most men don't carry on like this? And you are kidding yourself if you think he's 'stopped' being a womaniser or that he is not looking at porn.

This proves he's looking at other naked women - not just you!

Byfleet · 28/12/2022 17:34

This is not just upsetting, sharing sexual images without consent is a criminal offence in this country. The other woman consented to having the picture taken but is very unlikely to want to have it shared with others. She can go to the police, or you can report it.

You defend yourself as a good wife by saying you keep in shape and keep the house well as well as working full time. Do you think that in some very strange way these things are your wifely duty and if you don’t do them then maybe it would be ok for your husband to behave badly? It is really sad to hear you talking about yourself in this way. I wonder from the way you talk about your situation and from your grammar (you don’t use articles with proper nouns) that perhaps you are not from the U.K.

In the U.K. sharing sexual images without consent (the woman is unlikely to have consented to sharing them with your husband) is a criminal offence and women are not expected to keep in shape, keep the house clean and work full time as a condition of good treatment from their husbands.

NotToBeOrToBe · 28/12/2022 17:37

You know he's shared all your pictures to his mates right ?

He's done 'stuff' before and you have forgiven him. You do all the house stuff and work full time and he's saved his mates girlfriends naked pictures?

  1. Tell the poor girlfriend that her boyfriend is passing around her pictures.
  2. Leave him.
  3. He doesn't love you.
  4. He's not sorry. He's only saying that because you fall for his bullshit everytime.
Sandra1984 · 28/12/2022 17:39

Now you know that your naked sexy pictures your assho-e of a husband takes of you are in his friends folder. Have no doubt.

Rogue1001MNer · 28/12/2022 17:45

I'd tell the mate's girlfriend you've seen her naked on a photo saved in your DH's file-of-sleeze

Sandra1984 · 28/12/2022 17:47

Personally if I were in your shoes OP I would contact said girlfriend and let her know what you found in your husbands folder, tell her you suspect her boyfriend has nude pictures of you too because they clearly exchange them. I believe she has the right to know her intimate photos are being shared and distributed without her consent (most Probably yours too). She needs to know not to trust her camera boy boyfriend if she doesn’t want to end in one of those amateur porn websites. By the way what these two are doing is ilegal. And ethically very wrong too.

Puffalicious · 28/12/2022 17:48

Exactly as all the PP have said: he's a scum bag that doesn't respect you or any woman (his blatant disrespect of his friend's girlfriend shows this). Your photos WILL be shared.

You're not some little woman who needs to be a slave to what her male partner wants- domestically or sexually (3 kids and do 'all sorts' every other night doesn't sound that regular- I hope it's also your choice)- we're not in the 1950s anymore. What an arsehole.

MMmomDD · 28/12/2022 17:48

Mind-boggling.
You get together and stay with what you describe ‘has always been a womaniser’.
Things that ‘bother’ you keep happening.
You proceed to have three kids with him.
Now you want to leave because of a picture.

Can you afford raising three kids on your own? What kind of life will they have?
Have you even considered it?
Your post seems to only be about yourself.

You made the choice to have them, but they don’t seem to be a part of consideration at all.

Sure - not great and appalling his friend shared the picture. But at the same time - you knew the kind of guy you chose as a father of your kids. And in the grand scheme of things - this is minor.

Separately - irrespective of what guy you’ll end up with - no man on Earth will forever only think/look at/feel desire for one woman (you) after getting into a relationship. And you shouldn’t work hard with outfits and ‘providing’ sex to try to make it so. For starters - it won’t work and will only make you unhappy. And mainly because - you can’t aspire to control thoughts. This level of insecurity is really unhealthy. And pointless, really.
We are all sexual creatures, and can’t control finding other people attractive. We can control not acting upon it.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2022 17:54

Your prick of a partner and his dickhead mates obviously share nude pics of their gf’s like they were football cards

He is untrustworthy and sleazy. You deserve better than that.

girlmom21 · 28/12/2022 17:55

I agree with the others that he'll have shared your pictures too.
He's also intentionally saved that photo.

Delete them all from his phone.

I don't think you can ever trust him.

MaryDerry · 28/12/2022 18:01

From your post it sounds like you put alot effort into keeping him happy. Does he do the same for you? It sounds unequal to me.

I wonder if he'll get 'bored', tell you he was "tempted' and have sex either someone else regardless of the "hard work" you put into this relationship. From your post he seems to prioritise sex very highly.

Iceballoon · 28/12/2022 18:02

Well, I am not going to tell you to leave him because I know you won’t.

What he has done is disgusting, I would make him delete ALL the photos and I wouldn’t allow him to take sexualised pictures/videos of me again. I don’t believe you should have allowed to do so in the first place, both of you should enjoy one another in private!

Nordix · 28/12/2022 18:07

Work on finding some self-esteem which isn’t related to how sexy you look or how much your partner finds you sexually attractive

Your partner is a pig and he will have sent nude photos of you to his mates as well. Does this bother you?

Is he an equal partner helping with the children?

Seek therapy and work on your self-respect, and gain an outsiders perspective.

My guess: If you don’t leave him now, he will leave you in a few years for a younger woman anyway. You deserve a partner who respects you for you.

Fairislefandango · 28/12/2022 18:11

It doesn't take much reading between the lines to see that he's a sleazy scumbag, probably in lots of ways. First you picked a womanising arsehole for a partner (why?!). Then you committed yourself to doing the 'pick me' dance permanently, thinking that by putting endless effort into making yourself super-hot you'd keep this 'prize' for yourself and stop him looking elsewhere. It's a tale as old as time, and it clearly doesn't work. Because he is what he is.

If you don’t want a sleazy, unfaithful partner/husband, don’t pick one that you know is a womaniser! I mean... it's not exactly rocket science! Of course you should leave him. I doubt you will though.