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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Contact with abuser when police advise NC

53 replies

Alwaystoblame · 28/12/2022 13:27

My Dd is saying her dad physically and sexually abused her a few days ago. She lives with him. She's now here with me and the police have said for her not to have any contact with him until they have seen her later today and investigated. She's 16. Today despite police advice she has been in contact with him because she wanted him to do something for her. We have a tricky relationship and I'm doing my best to protect her and am frustrated that she is in contact with him against police advice. How can I handle this?

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 28/12/2022 13:31

Can you ask for a family liason officer to come speak to her? If she usually lives with him has he conditioned her to feel like his partner not his dd? Maybe she feels like she is in a weird relationship with him and can't just abandon him?

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 28/12/2022 13:37

Yes, he treats her like a partner. It's quite disturbing. This isn't the first time this has happened and she usually turns round and denies anything happened but this time her sister witnessed it. I have no doubt that Dd will choose to go back there in the next day and nothing I say or do will make any difference.

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 28/12/2022 13:40

I would inform social services..

user1471082124 · 28/12/2022 14:18

Another one for informing Children s Services. You have PR for her. It is your responsibility. But it should trigger an assessment which ought to generate some support for her and possibly yourself
Good luck

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 28/12/2022 14:24

Thank god our family worker is in work today. I've told her and she is seeking advice from a manager. I am so anxious now. I won't go into it here but a search for my user name will bring up the two threads about my Dd who is very vulnerable and struggling and due to her behaviour I struggle to support her in the way she needs. I'm doing what I can. She's safe here with me for now and I'm holding on to that.

OP posts:
Playfulplatypus · 29/12/2022 21:18

Oh OP I’m so sorry. I just knew from personal experience when reading your other threads that sexual abuse was involved 😞 hoping you are able to find an escape for you both away from this evil man.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 29/12/2022 21:54

Tonight she went missing and has gone back to her dad's despite being told by the child protection arm of the police and social worker that she must not have any contact with him.

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 29/12/2022 21:58

Oh dear op. You must be so worried and probably frustrated. I hope professionals can step in for her safety..

SallyWD · 29/12/2022 21:59

This is so disturbing. You must be be beside yourself with worry. Are social services involved?

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 29/12/2022 22:03

Yes there's a joint investigation with police and social services.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 29/12/2022 22:05

Why isn't he arrested especially since there is a witness

ShakespearesBlister · 29/12/2022 22:20

Have you called the police? 😳This is terrifying

Zanatdy · 29/12/2022 22:26

Surely the police will remove her from his care and place her in care if necessary for her own protection?

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 29/12/2022 22:35

Yes police called straight away and are with her now at her dad's as far as I know. I hope they do take her somewhere safe from him. They can't leave her there surely

OP posts:
Levithecat · 29/12/2022 23:15

I’m so sorry - I know how complex all of this will be and how difficult for you.
no, the police won’t leave her with him. But she’ll likely continue to defend him and lash out at you, because that’s what abuse can do. I hope you all get lots of support.

Levithecat · 29/12/2022 23:25

Just to say - I was groomed and abused in my mid teens, was a truant, runaway, frequent police involvement etc and left home permanently at 16 - very vulnerable and damaged, but also a nightmare for anyone who loved me. Police etc thought I was a pain and I was incredibly defensive. I wonder if there’s some group out there, a charity, not associated with you or any authority figure that she might find helpful.? After escaping the abuse I was referred via GP to a great local charity that specialised in women’s issues/counselling and that helped me massively. If you’re in the s.west by any chance dm me and I’ll send you their name.

Levithecat · 29/12/2022 23:26

(Sorry if you’ve already exhausted all avenues - it’s ok to need to keep a distance for your own well-being and that of your other DC)

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 00:26

I'm sorry that happened to you Flowers

Dd insisted she wanted to stay with her dad and says she'd run away and kill herself if they brought her back to me so the police have left her with her dad. Unbelievable but there we go. SS are going to hit the roof tomorrow as will the police who are in charge of the investigation.

I'm going to bed now and will see what tomorrow brings.

OP posts:
ErinAndTonic · 30/12/2022 00:30

Why doesn't she live with you? Or want to?

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 00:50

Her dad is very permissive and lets her vape, drink, skip school, stay out all hours and do what she likes. I don't and she refuses to let anyone parent her. Well, refuses to let me parent her. Her dad treats her like a partner.

OP posts:
stillvicarinatutu · 30/12/2022 00:59

It is highly unlikely she will be left there and I do t believe police would have left her there . They have a duty of care and if that had been me (I'm a police officer) I'd have been on the phone to the ooh duty social worker . Something about this doesn't add up . There is an open investigation for abuse by her father and the police simply cannot leave her there just because she threatens self harm . You need to be sure of your facts . I aren't convinced you are .

chilling19 · 30/12/2022 01:03

Oh OP - this is so difficult for you. No doubt the tricky relationship you have with her has been enhanced by his narcissistic actions. Just hang in there. You are up against a system that doesn't see the coercive control that is happening and will not prioritise your vulnerable daughter. I think all you can do is be clear that what he is doing is wrong and you are there for her when she needs you. And she will, although it may take some time.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 01:05

The officer who made the decision said he had to weigh up the risks and decided that she was at greater risk of harm here because she'd run away than with her abusive dad. The OOH social worker couldn't do anything and has said the day team will pick it up in the morning. I'd hate to be that PC when the detective hears about this.

OP posts:
stillvicarinatutu · 30/12/2022 01:06

If she is saying he sexually and physically abused her the police would simply not leave her there .

What are the facts ? What have police said to you op ?

chilling19 · 30/12/2022 01:06

stillvicarinatutu · 30/12/2022 00:59

It is highly unlikely she will be left there and I do t believe police would have left her there . They have a duty of care and if that had been me (I'm a police officer) I'd have been on the phone to the ooh duty social worker . Something about this doesn't add up . There is an open investigation for abuse by her father and the police simply cannot leave her there just because she threatens self harm . You need to be sure of your facts . I aren't convinced you are .

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