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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Contact with abuser when police advise NC

53 replies

Alwaystoblame · 28/12/2022 13:27

My Dd is saying her dad physically and sexually abused her a few days ago. She lives with him. She's now here with me and the police have said for her not to have any contact with him until they have seen her later today and investigated. She's 16. Today despite police advice she has been in contact with him because she wanted him to do something for her. We have a tricky relationship and I'm doing my best to protect her and am frustrated that she is in contact with him against police advice. How can I handle this?

OP posts:
stillvicarinatutu · 30/12/2022 01:06

Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 01:05

The officer who made the decision said he had to weigh up the risks and decided that she was at greater risk of harm here because she'd run away than with her abusive dad. The OOH social worker couldn't do anything and has said the day team will pick it up in the morning. I'd hate to be that PC when the detective hears about this.

So would I . If I was the oic I'd be fucking livid .

stillvicarinatutu · 30/12/2022 01:07

Chilling- where have I said or called troll ?

Stop being so bloody rude . I'm trying to help . Are you ?

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 01:09

@stillvicarinatutu he did contact the OOH duty social worker but because there was nothing legally in place to say she couldn't be at dad's then on balance they thought she was best there. The social worker was not happy about it and I'm appalled at them leaving her there. She is a master manipulator and she's worked her way round the system by threatening suicide.

OP posts:
happiertimes123 · 30/12/2022 01:11

Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 01:09

@stillvicarinatutu he did contact the OOH duty social worker but because there was nothing legally in place to say she couldn't be at dad's then on balance they thought she was best there. The social worker was not happy about it and I'm appalled at them leaving her there. She is a master manipulator and she's worked her way round the system by threatening suicide.

Really really hope they can get an emergency order sorted tomorrow OP. They should have taken her into an emergency care placement tonight if she's refusing to come back to you but they are scarce at the moment.

I am so sorry your family are going through this, managing vulnerable teens can be absolutely terrifying. I myself am supporting a young relative who is off the rails - she also went missing very recently and it is so hard. I have been following your threads and I truly empathise ❤️

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 01:15

The detective and colleague who came out today along with two social workers are conducting a joint investigation. Both professionals told Dd no contact with dad unless a life or death emergency and explained it could undermine the investigations and put her st risk if she did. This was all documented.

Tonight I had a message from dad saying Dd was going to kill herself (she was due home at this point after being out with friends). I phoned the police and OOH social worker. Two officers attended my house and while they were here her dad said Dd was at his. Officers went off to his house and phoned me to say they were leaving her there because she's more at risk here because she says she'd run away.

OP posts:
stillvicarinatutu · 30/12/2022 01:16

Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 01:09

@stillvicarinatutu he did contact the OOH duty social worker but because there was nothing legally in place to say she couldn't be at dad's then on balance they thought she was best there. The social worker was not happy about it and I'm appalled at them leaving her there. She is a master manipulator and she's worked her way round the system by threatening suicide.

I hope SS step up in the morning. Did your dd make the allegation against her father herself?

chilling19 · 30/12/2022 01:18

stillvicarinatutu · 30/12/2022 00:59

It is highly unlikely she will be left there and I do t believe police would have left her there . They have a duty of care and if that had been me (I'm a police officer) I'd have been on the phone to the ooh duty social worker . Something about this doesn't add up . There is an open investigation for abuse by her father and the police simply cannot leave her there just because she threatens self harm . You need to be sure of your facts . I aren't convinced you are .

'Something about this doesn't add up' I read this as you not believing OP's story. However, if you were trying to make the point 5hat something has gone wrong in the procedure, I apologise.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 01:19

She reported it to me and I reported on her behalf. Her sister witnessed the assault and had told me about it too. Dd was more than happy to give all the details earlier to the police and SS. This is not the first assault and I doubt it will be the last.

OP posts:
KatherineParr · 30/12/2022 10:58

How are you doing this morning OP? Hope you've managed to get some rest.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 11:48

I'm hoping that SS and/or the police will be in touch today to give me an update. I've not heard from Dd and probably won't until she wants something. There's nothing much I can do now and for the time being I'm going to focus on my other dc who are unsettled after everything that's gone on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 13:47

She's more or less retracted her allegations and said she'll kill herself if made to come to me. I'm done. I can't take any more of this. She's made so many false accusations in the past about me and teachers and her dad. I've tried to help her and nothing I do helps because she won't be helped. Social services are involved and I'm going to have to leave it to them and the detectives involved to sort. I'll do whatever they ask me to do but Dd and her dad can get on with it. For years I've tried everything, cooperated with the authorities and professionals involved, attended meeting after meeting and my two other dc and my mum have had constant intrusion into their lives along with every special occasion spoilt by dd1. No more.

OP posts:
DomesticShortHair · 30/12/2022 13:56

Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 13:47

She's more or less retracted her allegations and said she'll kill herself if made to come to me. I'm done. I can't take any more of this. She's made so many false accusations in the past about me and teachers and her dad. I've tried to help her and nothing I do helps because she won't be helped. Social services are involved and I'm going to have to leave it to them and the detectives involved to sort. I'll do whatever they ask me to do but Dd and her dad can get on with it. For years I've tried everything, cooperated with the authorities and professionals involved, attended meeting after meeting and my two other dc and my mum have had constant intrusion into their lives along with every special occasion spoilt by dd1. No more.

i think that’s exactly what you should do in these circumstances, too. As you say, it’s not just her, you have your other DC to consider too.

LeilaRose777 · 30/12/2022 14:18

The whole situation sounds appalling - I don't know how you keep your composure.
I'll probably be hated for this, but I think it might be better if you go no contact with your daughter and her father for a while. They are in a very unhealthy relationship in which you will play the part of rescuer, and alternately, the enemy.
Your daughter shows signs of mental health issues/personality disorder and tbh, she needs professional help. But you know all this already I think.
Save your own life first. And good luck. They will try to keep dragging you back, but please resist. You've clearly done your very best in the circumstances.

lamaze1 · 30/12/2022 14:20

I've seen your other threads OP. I have no words of wisdom but wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this and for what it's worth it sounds like you've done what you can given the circumstances. You're right though, you do have others including yourself to consider at this point.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 16:02

We are due to start family therapy in a couple of weeks and I can't bring myself to go. We are all due to go including my youngest and I'm not willing to put him through it. None of this is his fault in any way and I don't see why he should be further exposed to dd's toxicity.

OP posts:
Levithecat · 30/12/2022 16:11

@Alwaystoblame 💐you are absolutely doing the right thing. I’m so sorry. I hope 2023 is a peaceful and happier year X

Levithecat · 30/12/2022 16:13

Doesn’t sound like it’s the right time for family therapy - that should come after individual therapy otherwise it could just end up being a platform to hurt you/younger DC.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 17:22

No I don't think it's the right time for family therapy. Therapy for her and her dad is the thing that's needed most.

OP posts:
KatherineParr · 30/12/2022 18:02

I similarly have no words of wisdom but I've read a few of your threads OP and I think you've done your best in a really difficult situation. I don't think you could have done any more. I completely agree you also have to think about yourself and your other children. A really difficult situation. Flowers

fitnessmummy · 30/12/2022 22:39

Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 01:19

She reported it to me and I reported on her behalf. Her sister witnessed the assault and had told me about it too. Dd was more than happy to give all the details earlier to the police and SS. This is not the first assault and I doubt it will be the last.

I wouldn't leave other Children in his care now, so sorry you are going through so much

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 22:42

Dd2 has no intention of seeing him so

OP posts:
bellac11 · 30/12/2022 22:43

stillvicarinatutu · 30/12/2022 01:06

If she is saying he sexually and physically abused her the police would simply not leave her there .

What are the facts ? What have police said to you op ?

They will leave her there because she is not saying to them when tey visit that she is being harmed or at risk of being harmed. Without that, or anything they see in front of them they have no grounds to physically remove her

And while SSD and the OIC may have their own views theres not a lot they will be able to do either.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 30/12/2022 22:44

So I've no worries there. There's no enforced contact either, she just sees him when she wants which isn't often. His other dc are on SS radar and I'm glad if it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 31/12/2022 15:48

I couldn't block Dd but her dad is blocked and will stay blocked. There's no need for him to contact me at all and I feel much better when I know he can't contact me. Dd will often message from school asking me to collect her because xyz. I don't reply to those messages but if she truly needed me then that would be different. From now on though any claims of abuse etc will be met with the instruction to report it to her social worker/the police. That way she will be less inclined to embellish things or outright lie. I find it so difficult to manage her behaviour and I'm constantly at war with myself as my instinct is to rescue her like op said but then I do that and quickly become the enemy.

OP posts:
DomesticShortHair · 31/12/2022 15:51

It sounds like you’re dealing with the situation in the best way you can, and putting the barriers in place that you need to limit the damage from spreading. Tough on you I’m sure, but the brave and necessary thing to do.