DP/DH angry at you when you’re ill?

[Justill]

Why would an otherwise nice man and good dad turn withdrawn and sullen when I am ill in bed? Psychologically I am asking what is typically happening in this situation. I’m just talking colds and flu.

Is he irrationally frightened of having to take me on as a responsibility, am I his ‘caretaker’ or worse his ‘mother’ and this is his fear reaction? Is it not wanting sole responsibility for the DC? He’s already the main breadwinner. My own job is not going to be at risk from this illness.

I’m pissed off because being ill for a few days is shit enough without having to deal with someone else’s bad reactions to it. Also because my nursing care is great. His is shit to nonexistent. The kids are better. Why?

I ended a 16 year relationship because my partner behaved like this.

Just ask him? He could just be knackered and you reading it as “sullen and withdrawn”

I must confess I get a bit irritated sometimes when people I love are ill! I just want them to be well so we can enjoy stuff, and I'm tired and don't want to have to keep going all the time. I'm also worried for them and want them to get over it and be okay.

However. I don't let them know that and step up and look after them and make them better - sulking and being arsey is a dick move.

A support human malfunction makes his life way more difficult

I would end this relationship immediately.

I have no idea, but my ex husband and my next partner were the same!

I was really ill this Christmas which meant our Christmas plans were messed up. I said to my current partner, "please tell me you're not cross with me." He was absolutely baffled as to why I would ask him that. Its been rather refreshing to be looked after by someone who isn't sulking!

I also get annoyed when DH is ill.

I am quite an impatient person though. Sometimes I just feel like "right, that's long enough for you to be in bed for now. It's time to get up and get on with stuff."

I don't know why I get like this.

My ex-DH was like this. I think he was just impatient for normal service to resume. His attitude reminded me of the way people tut over the bin men going on strike.

That's one of the reasons he's an ex.

Thank you everyone. I agree it doesn’t say good things about how he sees me. I’m sure it is irritating to a degree because it fucks up family logistics a bit but surely adults have to deal with that and be pleasant to the ill person and then usually they’ll get better at some point. It’s just one of those things in life?

It is embarrassing hearing the kids tell me, Dad’s grumpy because you’re ill. I tried to ask him but he just grunts that he’s fine and when I say you’re clearly not, he walks off. I’m in bed so not going to follow him. I haven’t got the energy to try to approach it now. I just thought trying to understand why this is such a big problem for him would help me be able to stress about it less. I don’t like thinking of him being so pathetic but this is that behaviour.

Also I can’t stand people tutting over strikes! People only strike for a reason. This feels a bit like that. Except I am unlikely to get a payrise out of it. Lol.

My DW is like this. I dread being ill because she gets snappy and even hostile towards me.

Conversely, I don't mind caring for her when she's unwell, I think I actually enjoy taking care of everything and showing my love and care for her.

I'd really like to understand why people can be angry because their partner is ill. Sometimes I have thought of leaving because to me, caring for the one you love when they really need you is a true sign of love.

I think it's cos I run round after him with paracetamol and bring food/drinks up and plump up pillows etc. And then after a few days of it, I just think "he should be on the mend now".

When I'm ill, he forgets about me to an extent and I have to sort myself out or ring him to remind me to bring me a drink etc. So I end up getting up when I'm not 100% anyway.

My ex was like this, it was part of his general arseholearry that turned abusive.
20 years after I left I had a heart attack ( mild, but frightening), my DH was and is superb, ex without a doubt would have either punished me or left me, probably both.

I'm afraid it's this. I have seen someone get a bit better - kind of like Sheldon Cooper getting more human throughout TBBT - but I couldn't be with someone like that.

What do you mean by "I don't want to have keep going all the time"?

I can be a bit like your h. I'm a "take some paracetamol and get on with it" person and I don't have much tolerance for moaners or malingerers unless they are properly ill. If I am ill, I don't want fuss or sympathy and I'm not a good nursemaid for someone who does, other than DD obviously. I'm good at the practical stuff, but emotionally I'm better off staying out of the way.

I admit I don’t cope well when other people take to their beds with a cold or the flu etc but then I think that’s because I have a lot of chronic health issues (lupus, Addisons, asthma and others) and I have a disabled child and I literally can’t “stop” - I have to keep going, so I do. I would have to be physically unable to remove myself from the bed to behave the way others do when they catch a cold. I have had kidney biopsies that haven’t gone well and I’ve still got up and gone to the shops etc the next day as I had to. All sorts of things. I just power through. So maybe I am quite unsympathetic. I do try hard to be kinder though. I know different people have different tolerance levels etc. 🙈

I tend to get grumpy when DH is ill in bed because until recently as SAHP I've had to keep pushing through unless actually in hospital so the luxury of ill in bed didn't exist for me. Ill on the sofa in charge of kids was my reality.

Also get grumpy when he keeps fighting through to get to work when obviously ill which predictably makes him more ill then is totally useless.

I'll put up with sat on the sofa with the kids watching a film but retreating entirely to bed while I'm trying to cook, sort the house as it's the only chance I get while being interrupted every 5 minutes by a whining child gets me quite annoyed. Most chores take so much longer with constant interruptions but are not as bad if you can just power on through them!

I would never be irritated if someone I care about is unwell. What a bizarre reaction. Anyone behaving like this needs to give their head a good wobble.

DH is currently ill and is such a whinger it drives me mad. He's just insisted on going for a walk "to clear his head" and now feels worse. He was seriously ill a while back and I think I have PTSD from that.

Men are conditioned to be protectors. They get restless when someone is ill and it is out of their control. Many woman want a man who is a protector - and this is how protectors act when their family is threatened and they can't do anything about it.

I started a thread about this kind of issue on December 26th.
I was so poorly on Christmas Eve and bed ridden. My partner was completely ignoring my need for food, either on a tray to bed or sofa. Two cups of tea and a bowl of tinned soup was his total offering that day.
We had a big row at what should have been supper time about his neglect and selfishness given I’d nursed him for several weeks (3 meals an day) earlier this year.
I’m still not 100% we’ll so struggled to make Christmas day lunch but at least he helped with that . Did veg’ etc.

I cannot understand why men and maybe some women struggle to care for a poorly person. I could become a skeleton upstairs in bed before my partner would even notice.

After about three or four days mine would get fed up if I still coughed, I’ve ended up with chest infections.

@Warspite Hope you feel better soon. Yes, it's terribly sad. I ended up realising what a mistake it would be to grow old with someone who couldn't tolerate me functioning at less than 100%.

I live alone so I am a bit unclear what level of illness people expect help with if they have a partner. But generally if you are not faking it, some help seems normal? Or are they trying to keep away from germs?