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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP/DH angry at you when you’re ill?

55 replies

Justill · 28/12/2022 12:36

Why would an otherwise nice man and good dad turn withdrawn and sullen when I am ill in bed? Psychologically I am asking what is typically happening in this situation. I’m just talking colds and flu.

Is he irrationally frightened of having to take me on as a responsibility, am I his ‘caretaker’ or worse his ‘mother’ and this is his fear reaction? Is it not wanting sole responsibility for the DC? He’s already the main breadwinner. My own job is not going to be at risk from this illness.

I’m pissed off because being ill for a few days is shit enough without having to deal with someone else’s bad reactions to it. Also because my nursing care is great. His is shit to nonexistent. The kids are better. Why?

OP posts:
OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 28/12/2022 17:04

@EmmaAgain22 I mean, I don't want to have to keep on doing everything for everyone without any break. (Obviously if someone is properly ill, I will always step up and keep it all going myself, but it doesn't mean I want to!)

EmmaAgain22 · 28/12/2022 17:09

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 28/12/2022 17:04

@EmmaAgain22 I mean, I don't want to have to keep on doing everything for everyone without any break. (Obviously if someone is properly ill, I will always step up and keep it all going myself, but it doesn't mean I want to!)

That only happens if someone is drastically ill though?

My perspective might be skewed by living alone.

pinneddownbytabbies · 28/12/2022 17:16

My ex was like this (among other things, hence 'ex'). Turned out that his his dad refused to accept it when anyone was ill, and that you had to stop making a fuss and get to work or school or else. Being ill was seen as a weakness and/or attention seeking.

Spectre8 · 28/12/2022 17:19

Sometimes I am glad I live alone. I've been ill owth a horrendous stomach bug, every 2hrs i was up puking and diarrhoea. Spent all say yday in bed, only getting up because I had to get myself drinks...that was the only time I thought I wish I had someone to bring me some peppermint tea. Then I read this thread and I'm glad I don't like with an arsehole.

I'm one who just gets on with it when it comes to colds, flu even tonsilitus. But anything more then I couldn't get annoyed over to be honest. Some things just hit people harder than others.

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 28/12/2022 17:22

@EmmaAgain22 OP is in bed, so I am assuming one person is sorting the cooking/washing/shopping etc, rather than the team work it normally is in a equal partnership (don't know how old the kids are). It's no big deal, but can sometimes make you feel a little irritable because it's always easier to share the load.

SeaToSki · 28/12/2022 17:25

Might it because he has to step up with doing jobs that you normally do? Potentially also if you are a big support to him in his life, he has lost that and is also having to do more to cover for you and then look after you as well.

MichelleScarn · 28/12/2022 17:29

Everydaywheniwakeup · 28/12/2022 16:19

I can be a bit like your h. I'm a "take some paracetamol and get on with it" person and I don't have much tolerance for moaners or malingerers unless they are properly ill. If I am ill, I don't want fuss or sympathy and I'm not a good nursemaid for someone who does, other than DD obviously. I'm good at the practical stuff, but emotionally I'm better off staying out of the way.

Am the same, although my tolerance will depend on how much of a drama llama the ill person is being!

IDontWantToBeAPie · 28/12/2022 17:32

He probably gets annoyed because he's having to pick up the extra work when you're unwell. Frustration can often leak out when tired and having to do more than usual

LightSpeeds · 28/12/2022 17:33

He's sullen and withdrawn because he resents you for being unwell! What a dick!

ememem84 · 28/12/2022 17:41

DH is currently poorly. We are on holiday so I’m doing all the kids stuff. All the organising. All the packing while he mopes. It’s infuriating. I’m exhausted because I’ve been up with dd most of the nights we’ve been here and the jet lag was a killer (Uk to nz before Christmas).

im cross because he’s making everything so miserable. I get he can’t help being I’ll. but I’ve suggested he stay in bed etc. but no. He’s insistant on coming out and about with us. He doesn’t want to miss out but just mopes and moans how poorly he is.

randomsabreuse · 28/12/2022 17:50

I'll happily get food for an ill person in bed, but I expect them to (a) ask me for stuff and (b) be willing to wait while I do more urgent stuff (like go for a pee/wipe a child's arse).

(a) I'm not a mind reader and don't know what they want to eat, especially if they've got stomach bug symptoms - I'd not expect food to appear but would ask for what I actually fancied.

(b) They're not my last priority but definitely not the centre of the universe either!

Fenella123 · 28/12/2022 17:58

If you are ill you are neither in any shape to conceive and bear more children, nor are you much able to protect and nurture his existing children, so from a Darwinian point of view, it's time for him to up and find someone else to raise kids with... this ofc would involve irksome change and disruption, and also, be a shithead thing to do by any modern standards. And that is all swirling around in his subconscious. The conscious is just sulky and grumpy.

Dawkins can be a real dick sometimes, (allegedly) but a "which genes benefit?" analysis can shed light on all manner of situations IME.

EmmaAgain22 · 28/12/2022 17:59

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 28/12/2022 17:22

@EmmaAgain22 OP is in bed, so I am assuming one person is sorting the cooking/washing/shopping etc, rather than the team work it normally is in a equal partnership (don't know how old the kids are). It's no big deal, but can sometimes make you feel a little irritable because it's always easier to share the load.

Yes
I just think that's a key part of marriage though. I feel OP is describing someone who is way more than just irritable.

Original poster
Justill · 28/12/2022 19:53

This thread is eye opening- had no idea so many people find other people’s illnesses annoying. I don’t feel that way about it with someone I love. We are only talking a few days of illness here! I guess it does make me worry for the future when inevitably everyone’s health will get worse. Anyway- get well soon and sympathies to all of you who are feeling ill at the moment!

OP posts:
ohfook · 28/12/2022 20:17

God I'm the other person in this scenario. I'm a right cow when my dh is ill. For me it boils down to the fact that when I'm unwell I get fuck all from him. I just have to crack on as normal to the point that when I was miscarrying our baby I had to point out that maybe he should be the one to drive our kids to a birthday party. On the other hand when he is unwell he just takes himself off to bed. Basically he just absolves himself from parenting until he's better but I'm never given the same opportunity and it infuriates me. It really came to a head when we both had covid at the same time so for us I'd say that it's symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship- obviously I'm not sure if this would apply to your situation or not!

dizzydizzydizzy · 28/12/2022 20:23

DP is like this. He is abusive. Abusive men think they are more important than their partners and resent having to do the menial task of looking after them.

AnuSTart · 28/12/2022 20:25

My ex was an utter prick when I was sick. Mean and complacent.
One day I had an epiphany and I told him that something in me had died and if he even had cancer I wouldn't be able to conjure up sympathy for him.
We've now divorced but I find myself incredibly unempathetic generally. For my DP now I do manage surface caring and I absolutely do care and will do everything for him I can, but underneath I struggle. I just can't anymore. I even struggle when my children are sick. Maybe I'm traumatised by my ex and his behaviour.

frozendaisy · 28/12/2022 20:25

You are an inconvenience to him when you are ill.

Why? Well that is impossible to answer.

bloodyplanes · 28/12/2022 20:29

My ex was like this, I wasn't allowed to be ill! He would be utterly vile to me until i was able to resume my normal self. Its an awful way to treat someone and I honestly believe he couldn't stand the fact that everything wasn't all about him for a change.

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 28/12/2022 20:36

I would question what from his past is being triggered. Did he spend a lot of his childhood with a sick parent or was he expected to parent parents who used illness as an excuse to reverse roles? Might have no basis in history at all but that's what I'd probe first.

Ablababla · 28/12/2022 20:36

My DH is like this too. His mum is the same so I assumed he’s modelling her behaviour. She shouts at FIL when he has migraines.

weirdly if I’m physically sick he’s immediately much nicer - like there’s now proof and I’m not faking it.

he’s nice in other ways and really kind to the kids when they are ill. I don’t get it.

Plainlyme · 28/12/2022 20:41

Psychologically it comes from how they were treated while poorly growing up.
My mum was impatient and treated me like a burden when I was sick as a child and now as an adult I feel that way towards my partner when he's unwell.
I do try to suppress it as I know it's wrong, I have to make extra effort to be patient and caring.
My advice would be to ask him for patience while you're unwell, it's not like you're purposefully burdening him. He might not realise why he feels that way.

EmmaAgain22 · 28/12/2022 20:43

Justill · 28/12/2022 19:53

This thread is eye opening- had no idea so many people find other people’s illnesses annoying. I don’t feel that way about it with someone I love. We are only talking a few days of illness here! I guess it does make me worry for the future when inevitably everyone’s health will get worse. Anyway- get well soon and sympathies to all of you who are feeling ill at the moment!

It really is eye opening

Warspite · 28/12/2022 20:51

I lived alone for quite some time. I got on with it when I was ill.

For some years now I haven't lived alone and it’s all about partnership. My DP described himself as a team player.
That all goes out of the window when I’m poorly. I have an expectation from my partner for some TLC when I’m sick without almost having to beg for a snack or a drink.
I look after his nourishment when he’s sick. Is it too much to hope for same when I am. This is what caused my upset on Christmas eve. (See my previous post on here and the one I started on Boxing day.)
Frankly if not, I’d rather go back to single life.

User7642679 · 28/12/2022 20:53

Dh was ill last week. I looked after him. I have been ill this week. He has looked after me. That is normal behavior.