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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m his the one that got away…

65 replies

bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 16:42

I did a placement year as part of University. I worked alongside a guy who was about 2/3 years older than me (so had already finished uni) and we got on really well. Had amazing chemistry etc. He had a gf at the time so didn’t go any further really.
I finished the placement to go back to university. He ended up getting a job based in the same town and near my university and his gf broke up with him. He bought me a really expensive perfume from him only (every other present was a collection from the team) so I assumed he was hinting…and we could get to know each other more.
But alas, absolutely nothing happened during my last year of uni. We never met up or anything, quite the opposite. He was playing games, ringing me out of the blue for advice about a girl he was getting to know, asking me to find a girl for him etc. I didn’t pursue him etc because I hate games and he knew I was single. I thought he wanted me to beg to be with him but I have more self worth that that and we lost touch. He then got married and divorced and then got back in touch with me after, fishing to see if I was with someone. I was (my now DH) and as soon as I told him that, he stopped communicating again.

My friend is married to one of his best friends. He confided in him that I am the one that got away for him and he regrets not pursuing me. I am not sure what he means? We never dated. He never told me he had feelings. I was shy and inexperienced and he knew that so if he would have pursued something…I would have happily accepted! I was literally there on a plate! He got a job in the same town as my final uni, if the starts weren’t more aligned for him to make a move, I don’t know! It’s like his chickened out.

it’s been 15 years since we worked together and I do think of him and think of what could have been. I love my husband but I had such amazing chemistry with this guy.
I wish we could be friends…I would love to have him in my life but he blows such cold and won’t be friends with me and I don’t know why! He deleted me off all his social media etc.

I don’t really know what I want from this post. Just a rant really.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 27/12/2022 16:47

Sometimes a bit of whimsical what-might-have-been thinking is nice, particularly at this time of year. Probably best to be glad it did not go anywhere, he sounds flaky and a game player, who most likely would have mucked you about

Ofcourseshecan · 27/12/2022 16:53

I understand your feelings of ‘what if …’. But he doesn’t sound like a good bet for marriage. Even if hehad got past his strange reluctance to date you, he’d probably have messed you around and he’d now be calling someone else TOTGA.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 27/12/2022 16:53

If he'd wanted to be with you then he would have.

Relationships are a lot easier in fantasy land when you don't actually have to be with another person with all their own stuff, in your head the other person doesn't really exist, they are just an extension of your imagination.

"I wish we could be friends…I would love to have him in my life but he blows such cold and won’t be friends with me and I don’t know why! He deleted me off all his social media etc."

Do not become friends with him. Avoid him at all costs. Tell your friend there is no need to mention him to you again.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 27/12/2022 16:54

Sorry I feel my previous post didn't come out very well-

I meant, for him, having the relationship only as a what if is a lot easier than having to do a relationship for real

MyNameisMathilda · 27/12/2022 16:55

Why do you want to be friends with him? So that you can experience that chemistry again? What about your H now? Where does he fit into all of this? Oh and of course the guy does not want to be in contact with you so 😬. Chalk it up to an old sweet memory. He actually sounds like a dick and he probably knows he was too.

Sprinkletits · 27/12/2022 17:05

‘and he knew that so if he would have pursued something…I would have happily accepted!’

It sounds like he’s missed having you dangling by a thread and having his ego massaged. He had plenty of opportunity to make his move, and without being harsh, if he really wanted you he would have a made a move at the time. I think you’ve dodged a lifetime of mind games!

AnyFucker · 27/12/2022 17:07

I think both of you need a hobby. Not the same hobby.

VaddaABeetch · 27/12/2022 17:10

He was full of shite 16 years ago.
He’s still full of shite.

EmergentThoughts · 27/12/2022 17:13

He doesn't sound like a nice person, and you're better off leaving him in the past where he belongs.

otherwayup · 27/12/2022 17:14

I think a lot of people have a 'one that got away'
I have one and I'm his but our timing was never right when we were younger and we're both married now and long past any chance of finally getting it together.
Still see him socially sometimes, dh is aware who we are to one another and thinks he's a really great guy 😂

Original poster
bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 17:14

Thank you for all your messages. I always told myself that if he wanted me, he would have done something. So I am not surprised any of you have said that too.

but it’s the telling my friends husband that “I’m the one who got away”….that had thrown me because it’s not like it was bad timing or something. It’s out of the blue really and I didn’t think he saw me that way because of the above. And I assumed he didn’t think his friend would tell his wife who would tell me…or is that what he wanted?

I want him as a friend because I don’t have feelings for him, and we are in the same field and we were good friends. I actually didn’t care for his games…it used to make my eye roll and it didn’t hurt my feelings as it made me realise how immature he was.

OP posts:
otherwayup · 27/12/2022 17:14

AnyFucker · 27/12/2022 17:07

I think both of you need a hobby. Not the same hobby.

Good advice!

BenCoopersSupportWren · 27/12/2022 17:15

It sounds like everyone would benefit from growing up a bit and moving on with their lives. Why would he mention it? Because he could guess it would get back to you. He's still playing his immature games. Why did your friend tell you, what's to be gained from knowing that? It's just silly gossip that could, if you let it, damage your marriage.

Leave this flaky player firmly where he deserves to be: in the past.

Original poster
bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 17:17

My friend told me because she knew I used to like him…so gave me some sort of closure? She really believed into what he said and thought it was really sweet.
However she knows my DH is the one for me and prefers him anyway.

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 27/12/2022 17:33

Men say bollocks like that all the time. Its never sincere.

Nightynightnight · 27/12/2022 17:46

He told them you were the one who got away because he knew perfectly well that it would get back to you and he enjoys the idea of you wondering about him. He played games with you years ago and he's still doing it now. If at any point in the past umpteen years he ACTUALLY wanted to be in a relationship with you he would have made an actual move.

Why do you want to be friends with him? It doesn't sound like you were ever friends. Friends don't fuck with each others heads like this.

GiltEdges · 27/12/2022 17:46

I want him as a friend because I don’t have feelings for him, and we are in the same field and we were good friends

OP, this makes no sense at all. There must be plenty of other people you’ve met over the past 15 years since meeting this guy who are also in the same field and with whom you could have formed friendships. He’s not an enigma 🤷‍♀️ The fact you still want to be friends suggests that, even if only subconsciously, you do indeed still have feelings for him. But trust me, you’ll only be inviting trouble into your life to pursue it…

SunflowerTed · 27/12/2022 17:59

bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 17:14

Thank you for all your messages. I always told myself that if he wanted me, he would have done something. So I am not surprised any of you have said that too.

but it’s the telling my friends husband that “I’m the one who got away”….that had thrown me because it’s not like it was bad timing or something. It’s out of the blue really and I didn’t think he saw me that way because of the above. And I assumed he didn’t think his friend would tell his wife who would tell me…or is that what he wanted?

I want him as a friend because I don’t have feelings for him, and we are in the same field and we were good friends. I actually didn’t care for his games…it used to make my eye roll and it didn’t hurt my feelings as it made me realise how immature he was.

Are you sure you want
him as a friend or is something missing from your marriage?? You seem quite fixated…

Jusmakingit · 27/12/2022 18:00

Oh gosh I had a situation like this on and off for years, like 15 years. Met cause we lived in same village , always said he was interested, showed all the signs. But always managed to be single when I was with someone else so always made a thing of ‘if you were single then we could have seen what happened’ blah blah. Went on for years back and forth , occasionally we’re single at the same time but he always went cold , ignored me, sent random messages and then if I replied he didn’t. Then he would change his FB to in a relationship with someone totally different. Weird one was when he actually met someone with the exact same name as me, proposed to her etc then called it off after a year. Always text when I was happy and moving on from his games and back and forth.

the actual only time we got together after 15 years of this , was terrible. I thought , this is it let’s really make a go of it . Talked about marriage etc and then saw him commenting on other girls fb etc really flirty over the top comments. Basically disrespectful if you were with someone else. Called him out on it cause I was so shocked after all that time he would be looking at others , he then ended things saying I was jealous etc and refused to speak to me. Really confused me for a while. Then just forgot about him and accepted he just enjoyed the drama and chase etc .

Met my DH , had two kids . Weirdly enough the guy got a job where I worked !!! So I massively had it out with him at a work evening casual drinks thing after he purposufly hid away from me . He just gave me a speal of the one that got away and he suffered mental health problems etc and owed me an apology . All in front of his current fiancé. Was a bit strange and she didn’t bat an eyelid at this speech.

im glad I met my DH and moved on. Glad I cut the other one off and moved forward for myself .

sadly there are a few of those guys out there.

Original poster
bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 18:31

i do actually want a friendship…nothing else. There are no feelings there. I have/have had very few male friends in my life, so it’s nice when I meet one who I have things in common with. My DH is 100x better than he is and gets me in every way. He would not affect my marriage because I love my DH, I have a child and he obviously hasn’t changed. However this guy works in my field which is quite niche so we have had that element.

I was happy to be his friend even when he was chasing other girls. I liked him but I was very in experienced at the time so I wasn’t head over heels or anything. I did not chase him nor did I cry over him. He did not break my heart per se. He was just the first guy I properly worked with and clicked with so just holds a special place in my life. I loved my placement year.

I think we could be friends but he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t act like a dick to his other female friends. I don’t know why he can’t be friends with me? I am not horrible to him nor have I ever have been.

I understand what all of you are saying though…it’s just sad. Like I said, I wish we could be friends!

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 27/12/2022 18:35

He's not a friend. He's a stranger now.
Make some new friends in the here and now.

NewToWoo · 27/12/2022 18:44

He sounds like a bit of a tosser. Why play games? You say you had chemistry but if the games annoyed you then enough to put you off, they'd certainly annoy you now.

An ex of mine got in touch recently to let me know he and his wife had split - gushing about how he still thinks of me. When I told him I was very happily married he admitted they had split three years ago and lived with his girlfriend. He said other things that made me extremely glad I had dumped him when I did.

It's very easy to romanticise how ideal someone would be when the reality is probably very different.

Pineappleskies · 27/12/2022 18:58

I wouldn't for one moment take this seriously.

A better guide to his true feelings are his past and current behaviours towards you.

It was a throwaway remark that's inconsistent with the facts. I suspect he didn't want to reveal any ex's name in case it got back to his girlfriend. Please don't worry about this.

Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 19:02

Ummm I think you should forget about him or trying to friends with someone you once had amazing chemistry with and said you were the one that got away. You're married now, come on...

SisterAgatha · 27/12/2022 19:07

A lot of men say this to me and all I think it means is that they want the fantasy of you, not the reality. In a few of those instances, they dumped me! It’s really just aging and wishful thinking.

I’ve also heard it so many times that I wonder how many other women they have said it to because it can’t just be me. It’s one of those phrases, don’t give it anymore thought and go about your business.

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