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Original poster

I’m his the one that got away…

65 replies

bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 16:42

I did a placement year as part of University. I worked alongside a guy who was about 2/3 years older than me (so had already finished uni) and we got on really well. Had amazing chemistry etc. He had a gf at the time so didn’t go any further really.
I finished the placement to go back to university. He ended up getting a job based in the same town and near my university and his gf broke up with him. He bought me a really expensive perfume from him only (every other present was a collection from the team) so I assumed he was hinting…and we could get to know each other more.
But alas, absolutely nothing happened during my last year of uni. We never met up or anything, quite the opposite. He was playing games, ringing me out of the blue for advice about a girl he was getting to know, asking me to find a girl for him etc. I didn’t pursue him etc because I hate games and he knew I was single. I thought he wanted me to beg to be with him but I have more self worth that that and we lost touch. He then got married and divorced and then got back in touch with me after, fishing to see if I was with someone. I was (my now DH) and as soon as I told him that, he stopped communicating again.

My friend is married to one of his best friends. He confided in him that I am the one that got away for him and he regrets not pursuing me. I am not sure what he means? We never dated. He never told me he had feelings. I was shy and inexperienced and he knew that so if he would have pursued something…I would have happily accepted! I was literally there on a plate! He got a job in the same town as my final uni, if the starts weren’t more aligned for him to make a move, I don’t know! It’s like his chickened out.

it’s been 15 years since we worked together and I do think of him and think of what could have been. I love my husband but I had such amazing chemistry with this guy.
I wish we could be friends…I would love to have him in my life but he blows such cold and won’t be friends with me and I don’t know why! He deleted me off all his social media etc.

I don’t really know what I want from this post. Just a rant really.

OP posts:
Madeyoulook · 27/12/2022 19:14

Yes I wouldn’t take too much notice of what he supposedly said.

I’m not sure why you are so adamant you would like to be friends as you say you love your husband but you had ‘amazing chemistry’ with this guy. I don’t think that would be a good basis for a genuine friendship.

pizzazze · 27/12/2022 19:14

He's your one that thankfully got away. Sounds like an absolute twat tbh. Has hit middle age and is trying to relive his misspent youth and wants to take you down with him. Has never been straightforward with you and never will be. Easy to have chemistry with people who mess us about - that's part of the excitement. Be glad you found your DH and sure, reminisce about the attraction you felt but know that it would never have worked out with a happy ending.

Daffodilis · 27/12/2022 19:15

He has sent out the bait, and for all your protesting, you are enjoying the massage to your ego

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2022 19:20

Nightynightnight · 27/12/2022 17:46

He told them you were the one who got away because he knew perfectly well that it would get back to you and he enjoys the idea of you wondering about him. He played games with you years ago and he's still doing it now. If at any point in the past umpteen years he ACTUALLY wanted to be in a relationship with you he would have made an actual move.

Why do you want to be friends with him? It doesn't sound like you were ever friends. Friends don't fuck with each others heads like this.

Exactly this. He uses other people as flying monkeys to fuck with your head.

He doesn't like you. He just wants you to like him. It's all a big con because he needs attention and wants to ve put on a pedestal.

Why would you want to be friends with someone who messes you around?

Original poster
bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 19:29

Daffodilis · 27/12/2022 19:15

He has sent out the bait, and for all your protesting, you are enjoying the massage to your ego

massage my ego? He was playing mind games…if he wanted me, he could have had me! He obviously didn’t so how is that even an ego boost?

OP posts:
Adeckofcards · 27/12/2022 19:32

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2022 19:20

Exactly this. He uses other people as flying monkeys to fuck with your head.

He doesn't like you. He just wants you to like him. It's all a big con because he needs attention and wants to ve put on a pedestal.

Why would you want to be friends with someone who messes you around?

Show quote history

I had a similar experience. Was interested in somebody who only pursued me after I had given up on the idea of a relationship with him. He had plenty of opportunities to date me. Like you, I was inexperienced and completely available to him. When I contacted him, he wouldn't reply. If I didn't contact him, he'd send messages out of the blue telling me I was his 'one'. But he'd have ran a mile if I had suggested meeting up. He had a fantasy in his head because I had been so obviously attracted to him. It was a huge ego boost for him.

Years later, he continued to contact me randomly by email on dates that supposedly were special to both of us. What I remember most was being confused and crying with sadness that I was never enough for him. When I had my first DC, he sent me a string of emails saying he had mental health issues around the time we could have been together and I was the one for him. His girlfriend found his emails and he contacted me to tell me this and how he now had a secret email account. I often wonder how many women he was sending the same messages to.

Be thankful you are the one who got away.

Daffodilis · 27/12/2022 19:33

bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 19:29

massage my ego? He was playing mind games…if he wanted me, he could have had me! He obviously didn’t so how is that even an ego boost?

Show quote history

Playing mind games etc, yet you would still love to be friends with him, you are really enjoying it all

Marineboy67 · 27/12/2022 19:37

"I want him as a friend because I don’t have feelings for him, and we are in the same field and we were good friends. I actually didn’t care for his games…it used to make my eye roll and it didn’t hurt my feelings as it made me realise how immature he was"
I don't think your convincing anyone with any this including yourself....you can have and make friend's with many people in life, choosing someone you have an 'amazing chemistry' with and adding the title of "I'm his the one that got away" just smacks of you probably wanting more than friendship. It won't just end there and that's the danger of it!

Original poster
bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 19:38

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2022 19:20

Exactly this. He uses other people as flying monkeys to fuck with your head.

He doesn't like you. He just wants you to like him. It's all a big con because he needs attention and wants to ve put on a pedestal.

Why would you want to be friends with someone who messes you around?

Show quote history

he never knew I liked him…I never told him nor did I give him any hints…I don’t think? I forgotten how I was around him. I never got upset when he spoke about girls….quite the opposite actually. I knew my self worth.

however I think everyone is right…he is and will always probably play mind games. He’s in his 40s so thought he would have grown up by now. Still a shame about the about the friendship though.

OP posts:
Daffodilis · 27/12/2022 19:39

Have you discussed him with your dh

RLScott · 27/12/2022 19:40

SunflowerTed · 27/12/2022 17:59

Are you sure you want
him as a friend or is something missing from your marriage?? You seem quite fixated…

Show quote history

Thought this also.

And as for “I don’t really know what I want from this post. Just a rant really.“... the ranting bit is telling. It’s basically “damn, what could have been had he said something”. Fact is he didn’t as he’s full of it OP. If he liked you enough to want something with you he would have said so.

Marineboy67 · 27/12/2022 19:43

Daffodilis · 27/12/2022 19:39

Have you discussed him with your dh

Probably not....

7upandup · 27/12/2022 19:44

It's pretty simple. If he wanted you, he would have made it very clear. For what ever reason or hurdles he chose not to go for it.
Words are cheap. Actions speak volumes.
He sounds like a total nightmare and you had a lucky escape rather than a romantic right person wrong time crap.
Luckily you chose to value yourself and not beg for him to be with you, your life would have been like a rollercoaster.

RLScott · 27/12/2022 19:44

Marineboy67 · 27/12/2022 19:37

"I want him as a friend because I don’t have feelings for him, and we are in the same field and we were good friends. I actually didn’t care for his games…it used to make my eye roll and it didn’t hurt my feelings as it made me realise how immature he was"
I don't think your convincing anyone with any this including yourself....you can have and make friend's with many people in life, choosing someone you have an 'amazing chemistry' with and adding the title of "I'm his the one that got away" just smacks of you probably wanting more than friendship. It won't just end there and that's the danger of it!

100% this. It’s clear as day you are still carrying a torch for him.

You need to forget about this chancer OP and focus on your partner.

magma32 · 27/12/2022 19:46

He sounds like a player with all the BS he came out with when you were talking and now.

are you lacking something in your marriage that you want to reconnect with this player? It will be a great ego boost for him but won’t enrich your life in any way. You might end up doing something stupid/making a fool of yourself.

7upandup · 27/12/2022 19:47

It also sounds like you've enjoyed the ego boost of him saying your the one that got away, now you want to pursue a 'friendship' because you want more of that.

I bet you've convinced yourself the reason he doesn't have you on social media is because it's too hard for him to look at your account because of all those painful, romantic feelings he has for you.
It's a load of bs.

Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 19:48

Sorry but if my DH was on dadsnet chatting about some girl he once had amazing chemistry with, whilst asking other people what do they think about him indulging a friendship with her, I would be royally pissed. And then all the reasons listed as to why it would be a completely platonic friendship to just convince us all. Go have a chat with your DH and ask him. See if he thinks it's a good idea.

Original poster
bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 19:50

Yes my husband knows about him. He’s actually happy he never pursued him as I’ve ended up with my DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 19:51

*pursued me.

OP posts:
Daffodilis · 27/12/2022 19:54

So your dh isn't upset you are only with him because the other bloke didn't pursue you?

Lhoevaelth · 27/12/2022 19:54

Nightynightnight · 27/12/2022 17:46

He told them you were the one who got away because he knew perfectly well that it would get back to you and he enjoys the idea of you wondering about him. He played games with you years ago and he's still doing it now. If at any point in the past umpteen years he ACTUALLY wanted to be in a relationship with you he would have made an actual move.

Why do you want to be friends with him? It doesn't sound like you were ever friends. Friends don't fuck with each others heads like this.

So much this. It’s worked as well, hasn’t it?

Original poster
bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 19:55

This is not an ego boost…like I said we didn’t even have a relationships. He ignored me in my last year of relationship. An ego boost with my chasing someone who made you feel special…he did not! I still don’t believe he really likes me…a friendship won’t happen because he does not want it. I don’t post anything on my social media to make him “wish it was him”. He adds me and deletes me from his LinkedIn on a yearly basis.

OP posts:
Daffodilis · 27/12/2022 19:57

bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 19:55

This is not an ego boost…like I said we didn’t even have a relationships. He ignored me in my last year of relationship. An ego boost with my chasing someone who made you feel special…he did not! I still don’t believe he really likes me…a friendship won’t happen because he does not want it. I don’t post anything on my social media to make him “wish it was him”. He adds me and deletes me from his LinkedIn on a yearly basis.

Why are you entertaining him in any way whatsoever, and why does it matter if he likes you or not?

Original poster
bananainpjs · 27/12/2022 19:57

It has worked out well. My DH is my everything. What’s wrong with wanting to be friends with someone I was close friends with? He obviously doesn’t want anything romantic regardless what he says. I assumed he might have grown out of his mind games since he’s now over 40. It would be nice talking to someone in our niche work market (the one we met in the first place).

I get what you are all saying though and I am not going to contact him anyway! I just wanted to understand his confusing nature…and you have all made me see sense!

OP posts:
7upandup · 27/12/2022 19:57

@bananainpjs then why have you started this thread then? If you know he isn't genuine, never really liked you and played mind games? Why are you ruminating over it? If you weren't arsed you would have rolled your eyes at the comment and moved on with your life...but you are intrigued and want to be in contact with him, because you still like him and want to explore what he meant. You want to believe he is genuine.
You want to come on here so posters validate your thoughts.

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