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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Galling…

72 replies

Lola4356 · 27/12/2022 12:36

Just that really. I took my DH back after his length affair with work colleague. He has spent the best part of 18 months making me feel like I was the problem, I was the issue as he felt neglected, I didn’t wear attractive clothes, I was too fat etc, spent too much time being a mother. To yesterday, when I get a message from the OW’s husband sharing love poems my DH has been sending the OW for months, discussing his love for her and how forlorn he is.
I cannot believe the gaslighting and deceit I have endured.

OP posts:
PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 27/12/2022 12:45

That's awful, I hope you can leave him/kick him out again reasonably easily, as it sounds like you did that when the affair was first discovered.

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 27/12/2022 12:46

Fuck him off, he doesn't deserve to be with you.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 27/12/2022 12:47

He’s tried to blame you for 18 months, putting you down and making you feel like shit. Why are you even there to receive those messages? Hoping his ass is well and truly out of the door.

amiold · 27/12/2022 12:52

Put him out. Today.

Say something insulting as you close the door in his face and he can think about how he likes it during the radio silence.

Absolute bellend

DelphiniumBlue · 27/12/2022 14:41

Don't endure it for a another minute. Luckily Christmas is done so you don't need to be worrying about that.
This time you can be organised and make sure you have copies of everything financial that you need. If you have a joint account, transfer money out of it to your own account to make sure you can cover costs for the immediate future. You know now you cannot trust him at all, don't assume he will play fair. Change all your passwords now, and secure finances as far as you can before you tell him that you are done with him and his lies.
Keep strong.

ErrolTheDragon · 27/12/2022 14:45

You know now, it's him not you. Don't forget it.

Flowers
pumpkinsareshortlived · 27/12/2022 15:25

What is your housing and financial situation? Any DC? I would get your ducks in a row and tell him to leave. So very sorry. Being gaslighted and played the fool by an entitled lying shit is heartbreaking. Been there, got the t shirt. This is all on him, let him know now enough is enough. You deserve better.

MsDogLady · 27/12/2022 15:51

I’m so sorry, Lola. His unremorseful, contemptuous, blame-shifting behavior showed that you were in a false reconciliation. Now you know that he is still ‘in infidelity.’

He has thrown his 2nd chance back in your face. Surely you are now showing him the door, permanently. Flowers

forththeroast · 27/12/2022 15:54

I am sorry you are having to experience his utter selfishness. Remember, it has zero to do with you and 100% to do with his ego and self entitlement.

frozendaisy · 27/12/2022 16:16

Enough now then OP.

Now the OW's husband knows hopefully they can be fucking love poem together until the reality of being with a deceptive cheat sets in. Washing socks is clearly not as sexy as meeting up in some sad car park.

You tried OP. You still have your dignity that you weren't a coward and a liar.

So kick him out. Say you tried, you retrusted and she is welcome to him.

Make 2023 about you not him.

MyNameisMathilda · 27/12/2022 16:40

Sometimes we have to get to a point where it REALLY is shit to make us seen sense. I think this is your point now @Lola4356 . You know what you need to do.

Original poster
Lola4356 · 27/12/2022 19:12

You’re all right. After the affair, I was encouraged to accept the blame for my part in my husband’s dissatisfaction. Right now, I accept no part in this. The poems refer to them in bed together but of course when he was in ‘full disclosure’ - they only kissed and he barely knew her etc. One of the poems even talk about how when he sits in silence with me, all he can think about is her. I have been such a fool. Three children - all primary with a mortgage and 10 years of marriage.

OP posts:
WatieKatie · 27/12/2022 21:47

You’re not a fool op, you believed your husband and invested trust in him. They all minimise the facts when found out, page 1 of the philanderer’s handbook I’m afraid, alongside putting the blame on anyone but themselves.

Now you know who he is you can decide what your next step will be from a position of strength.

You deserve better, don’t ever forget that.

Fireflygal · 27/12/2022 21:53

I'm.so sorry

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2022 21:55

Wow, he’s a hateful bastard. Is the OW husband kicking her out?

Watchkeys · 27/12/2022 22:02

Believing someone when they lie doesn't make you a fool. Lying wouldn't have become a perpetual part of human society if it didn't work much.

You've done what a million other people would have done in your situation, and what a million psychologically sane, mentally healthy people would have done: you trusted your husband.

The process ahead of you will be hard, but much easier if you stop finding ways to turn yourself into a fool rather than the victim of someone else's foolishness. After all, he's a liar who got found out; bit of a failure, on many scores.

JoyBeorge · 27/12/2022 22:15

Lola4356 · 27/12/2022 19:12

You’re all right. After the affair, I was encouraged to accept the blame for my part in my husband’s dissatisfaction. Right now, I accept no part in this. The poems refer to them in bed together but of course when he was in ‘full disclosure’ - they only kissed and he barely knew her etc. One of the poems even talk about how when he sits in silence with me, all he can think about is her. I have been such a fool. Three children - all primary with a mortgage and 10 years of marriage.

Well you're going to get quite a nice settlement out of this when you find your anger.

Original poster
Lola4356 · 28/12/2022 11:15

The OW maintains that the contact is on my DHs side only which of course I have no idea whether that is true or not but also makes it more sad. Since DD, he has continued to work in the same department as her but has got v angry and forceful in maintaining that they have no contact. He paints me as someone who makes him incredibly unhappy but prior to starting working with the OW, my DH and I travelled the world, had children and seemed happy. For too long, I and everyone else he had manipulated, (my family included) have bought into the narrative that I am the problem - I am too focused on being a mother - not fun enough to etc- but I refuse to take this anymore. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for the virtual support.

OP posts:
ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 28/12/2022 11:24

Are you saying he told your family you’re too involved with your children and they agreed that that was the problem? He’s awful and they don’t sound great either. I have a feeling you parented quite hard because he didn’t.

Original poster
Lola4356 · 28/12/2022 11:26

He told anyone who would listen how neglected he felt, how after I had PND, I wasn’t as fun anymore. I did have PND but fought extremely hard to recover for my family.

OP posts:
Beachlives · 28/12/2022 11:27

Oh Lola I’m so sorry. I’m about 10 days in to finding out about my H’s affair. It’s shit, especially as you’ve given him the benefit of trusting him again.

You are not the problem, he is. Please try to focus on that and try never again to shoulder responsibility for his actions.

He doesn’t deserve you.

You and your DC deserve you.

Nimbostratus100 · 28/12/2022 11:27

sending you lots of love and strength - and heres to a new life in 2023 xx

ladysystem · 28/12/2022 11:49

Sorry that you've not only had to cope with him cheating on you, you've also had to cope with the narrative he created to make him feel less guilty.
Glad that you've see through it now. I don't blame you for buying into this whole 'a perfect mother but not so great wife' thing because women are conditioned to be expected to be all things to all people. It was an easy route for him to take to suggest that you neglected him. After all, who's going to question that? A lot of people blame the wife when the husband cheats. It's a reflection of them and their lack of understanding combined with ingrained sexism.

Like you say, up to the point he met OW, you and he were happy. If he wasn't happy why didn't he tell you? Even if he was unhappy, he had the option to talk to you about it, rather than find intimacy elsewhere.

His argument doesn't stack up.

Original poster
Lola4356 · 28/12/2022 19:39

Thanks everyone. Never again will I tolerate being told that I didn’t go out for dinner enough with him or that my DH needs people around to support him. I have tortured myself for 18 months, feeling shame and guilt that couldn’t keep him ‘happy enough’ to be further humiliated by someone’s else’s husband getting in touch to say that my DH has been writing love poems to his wife about how much he loves her. Goodness, gracious me!

OP posts:
Beachlives · 28/12/2022 20:12

Lola4356 · 28/12/2022 11:26

He told anyone who would listen how neglected he felt, how after I had PND, I wasn’t as fun anymore. I did have PND but fought extremely hard to recover for my family.

My H didn’t go round telling people like yours has, but wasn’t there when I was going through a hard time mentally due to trauma circumstances. I told him that the other day. I’ve supported him though so much, and when I needed him most he ran away (into the arms/bed of someone else).
Says everything you need to know…