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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Galling…

72 replies

Lola4356 · 27/12/2022 12:36

Just that really. I took my DH back after his length affair with work colleague. He has spent the best part of 18 months making me feel like I was the problem, I was the issue as he felt neglected, I didn’t wear attractive clothes, I was too fat etc, spent too much time being a mother. To yesterday, when I get a message from the OW’s husband sharing love poems my DH has been sending the OW for months, discussing his love for her and how forlorn he is.
I cannot believe the gaslighting and deceit I have endured.

OP posts:
Beachlives · 28/12/2022 20:15

And well done you, you shouldn’t have to be made to feel any guilt or responsibility for his actions. They are all him.
try not to feel humiliated, it’s his shame, not yours. Not your burden to bear.

FruHagen · 28/12/2022 21:24

Ahhh that's so typical that they blame you for their deceit. Too busy with kids, too angry, too fat, too tired, too unsexy. It's part of the script.

There's nothing wrong with you.

It's him.

In 10 years he'll have the same thoughts about OW who will then be too something, too something else, yadda yadda.

It's just his idea of a happy relationship is out of touch with reality, it's a selfish, childish and romantic notion of hot sex and endless novelty, but the thing is, reality always comes back to get you. Everyone is boring in the end. He'll just have to find out the hard way.

Get rid. New year, new life for you OP. Everything will be brighter once you get rid of this gaslighter.
Flowers

GrowingToads · 29/12/2022 01:20

You know the truth of the situation now, you must be in shock and so dissapointed in him.

You know what he is now, and you also know who he is, a deceitful bastard.

It's a lot to take in at first, you've been trying to swallow that false narrative down your throat for 18 months but now you can let go of that.

The lies and the deceit can be a thing of your past, you can label him all you want, the truth is he is a sub standard husband and father.
Take good care of yourself and allow other to know and support you and take those baby steps getting back on your feet, then you can walk over him and past him to leave his horrible grubby little life behind.

All this shit looks messy, her husband, the children, and at the heart of it two selfish individuals who have no decency.

Remember they are very much below you.

Flowers for you.

Original poster
Lola4356 · 29/12/2022 11:46

Thanks everyone. Just found out that the affair never stopped and has been going on the whole time we were supposed to be reconciling. It is very hard. I feel my family, the OW’s family and just so lost.

OP posts:
forththeroast · 29/12/2022 11:51

So sorry to read the update.

It's the lying and the pretending that is so difficult to come to terms with.

It makes you wonder if some people are just wired differently, because they manage to betray and manipulate loved-ones with ease.

forththeroast · 29/12/2022 11:51

What is going to happen now, OP?

Original poster
Lola4356 · 29/12/2022 11:55

I don’t know as my children were watching Christmas films and I didn’t want to say anything in front of them. I still feel somehow that it is my fault. He has left in the car but not sure where.

OP posts:
forththeroast · 29/12/2022 11:59

@Lola4356 it isn't your fault.

Look at it this way. Even if you were the wife from Hell. Nagging, never letting him do anything or go anywhere, never doing anything for him, even then it would still not be your fault. Reason being - he had other options available to him. Having an affair is not the way to deal with marital problems (if that's what he's trying to convince you).
He's just blaming you as an excuse! He doesn't have the courage to man up and admit that he's a selfish cheat.

JoyBeorge · 29/12/2022 13:00

There's only one thing you can do. You can't continue this charade any more. Get a good lawyer and take everything you are entitled to, then live a good life x

JoyPeaceSleep · 29/12/2022 13:13

The nerve of him.
Time to focus on your disappointment in him.

X

80s · 29/12/2022 13:18

Even if you were the wife from Hell. Nagging, never letting him do anything or go anywhere, never doing anything for him, even then it would still not be your fault.
Exactly.

All the stuff they spout is 100% designed to make you focus on your "failures" and not theirs. While you were wondering if you'd made him feel neglected, he was busy actually neglecting you and the kids. As long as you were thinking about you being "fat", you weren't wondering if he was being a decent partner.
It's not worth engaging with any of his accusations as they are all just made-up nonsense to keep you quiet and "justify" his awful behaviour.

If you'd fancied having affairs, I'm sure you could have come up with all sorts of reasons why it was OK. You didn't need to as you treated him with an ounce of decency.

nancydroo · 29/12/2022 13:19

Conniving twat.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 29/12/2022 13:28

You refer to ‚the car‘. Are you saying this POS has left you and your young children without transport?!!

time to get angry and get started on removing him from your life. I hope someone in your life can recommend a good divorce lawyer

GrowingToads · 29/12/2022 18:36

Has her husband only just found out about the affair ?

I should imagine he's looking over his shoulder is he not, her h must be pretty angry, he may feel like a sitting duck at your house.

Skippo · 29/12/2022 19:01

He sounds dreadful. I hope his life is truly miserable from now on. You deserve so much better. He’ll realise what he’s missing soon enough no doubt.

Skippo · 29/12/2022 19:08

He’s a cowardly cheat without an honest bone in his body. The bastard will get what’s coming to him.

I'm so sorry you’ve had to endure him for so long, but you’ll thrive now he’s gone.

Good riddance.

Surfed · 29/12/2022 23:59

What a scumbag. Even if you didn’t do all the things he wanted, so what? He probably never did the things you wanted.

Go to town on the cheating bastard. Give him hell.

MsDogLady · 30/12/2022 01:59

Oh, Lola, the continued affair explains his utterly contemptuous behavior. He was never remorseful or committed to an authentic reconciliation.

None of his unethical choices are due to anything you’ve done or haven’t done. His rewriting and blame-shifting are pure manipulation to put distance between you to hide his duplicity.

This self-serving man has deep character flaws. He clearly lacks integrity and empathy, and honesty is not a priority for him. He’s been determined to pursue this illicit gratification, and it suited his purposes to return home under false pretenses while sneakily carrying on his cheating.

He is a very poor role model for your children to emulate.

I echo posters’ advice to meet with a solicitor asap to learn your options. Also, consider accessing IC for support.

Fraaahnces · 30/12/2022 02:08

Time to stop protecting him and start telling everyone you know that you are tired of him hiding behind you and scapegoating you when you were vulnerable. He has cheated and lied again and again and broken every promise to you and lied to his family and friends as well. He will break his kids hearts because HE is responsible for ruining your marriage, not you.

Surfed · 30/12/2022 07:02

Oh I’m just so sorry for you.

You obviously wanted to make things work for the children and should be proud of that. You forgave him, welcomed him back and tried to move on with your lives.

He’s just an awful person with serious character flaws. I’ve no doubt he was a shit husband and a shit father. You can do better.

Keep the chin up.

Original poster
Lola4356 · 30/12/2022 07:12

Thanks everyone. Trying to deal with children's emotion at the minute which is very tough. They have lives through a year of a fake reconciliation too and it has just been awful. DH has moved out although still wants to come back into the family home to see children.

OP posts:
hoowhoo · 30/12/2022 07:21

Screw what he wants, focus on you and what you want. He's been awful OP, take some time to focus on what YOU need and deserve. Sending hugs

Original poster
Lola4356 · 30/12/2022 07:24

I just can’t fathom the gaslighting I have endured. For at least 18 months, he has been telling me that I am the problem. We even went to marriage counselling and all the while, he was still having the affair. She is married with young children too and I can’t understand the selfishness of it all.

OP posts:
ZaraMuhammad · 30/12/2022 07:29

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Whatmarbles · 30/12/2022 07:32

Bloody hell, he sounds a peach of a man.

Don't let him in the house if you don't want to. You do whatever is better for your mental health.
If it means getting a family memeber/friend to be around when he has the children, so you don't have to clap eyes on his lying face, do that.

He has mentally tortured you for the best part if 2 years. Draw a line where it stops now, right now. Empower yourself by disempowering him.

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