Found out my partner lies about things to avoid conflict

[MsAngst]

Could I ask some advice as just not sure what is the right decision.

I've been with my partner for 18 months and he is the most kind, caring, and laid back man I've ever met. It took me a long time to trust him due to previous relationships (one a 10 year dv relationship) where my trust had been badly broken. It appeared to be that we were the perfect match and just seemed to work so well. We both have children from our previous long term relationships.
I've always had a niggle that he was keeping something back and it's now come to light that he has often changed or kept back information from what he tells me about his day to day life as he said he didn't want to cause conflict. I'm a very chilled person and the only times there's been upset (not arguments, just me raising my feelings when something hasn't sat right) is when I've felt he's not been honest with me. After telling him why I have trust issues and asking him to be open and honest with me he said he would and wanted me to trust him. I've now just found out the plans he told me he had with his children over this Xmas weekend weren't true. He didn't out and out lie, just failed to actually tell me his real plans (dropping the kids back at his ex wifes house both evenings and having dinner with them all ) when he had implied he was having his kids over the two days and then dropping them back late Xmas eve. When I found out I got upset and said if he'd just told me I wouldn't have had a problem with it but felt betrayed that he'd lied to me about his plans. After talking it now transpires that these lies and omissions are quite frequent. He said he can't see the problem as they're only small lies and omissions to not upset me but I feel like I don't even know him anymore or whether any of our relationship has been real or just a fabricated lie.
I just feel at a loss as to what to do. I love him and everything else is perfect and we could have such a good future however I just feel I can't trust him now and not sure whether to end it or try and make it work. He said he wants to make it work but I just feel I can't let myself be vulnerable emotionally to him now.

To add before anyone queries, there's no overt dv red flags here with this relationship (been there, done that, can spot those a mile off), he's just someone who hates conflict so says he does it to stop any upset. Despite me saying it's the lies that cause the upset and not the actual facts he's hiding

I find that really odd and would have no idea if he was being honest with me. I don’t know how you could have a relationship like that you wouldn’t have a clue.
maybe give him a final warning and stress the honesty part when he next tells you things… then if you find he has lied again you know you’ve been clear it’s a non negotiable for you and it’s over. If he doesn’t and you find him to be honest he’s listened to you and realised it’s important?!

Thank you @lking679 that was my thinking but right now I just feel so empty and due to past trust issues I'm very quick to shut down my emotions so just don't know if I can give him that final chance, but seems such a waste to throw it all away.

I just would try not to have a big reaction because that might make him wary about it in future.
18 mths and good relationship seems a lot to throw away due to omissions but not quite lies. I’d give him 1 chance and see what he does with it. I’m sure he realises you’ve got quite upset.
(I am a moderate voice on mumsnet, sure your answers are going to be dump him! But my dh is not perfect but never malicious and it’s worked out ok for us when I’ve given him benefit of the doubt!)

From my experience people like this don't change. They have this pathological tendency to lie, even over silly things, that they then have excuses as to why.
There's no reason to lie other than choosing to.
It eats away at you and means you can never trust them on the big or little things.

It's not a nice position for you to be in and I've no advice on how you proceed. Only you know what you are willing to accept and live with.
If honesty and trust is important to you I would seriously re think this relationship.

You’ll never be able to trust him, op. Whatever his motives for lying, it’s still wrong to lie. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to upset you, but it could be because he’s a coward and doesn’t want conflict for himself. It’s rally hard, but I would not want a relationship with someone who lies.

No, my partner isn't malicious either. Just where its transpired he's changed or omitted information he's told me I'll just forever question everything he says as to whether it's true or not and that will lead to even less trust

Imo lying to avoid conflict isnt unusual. A lot of people who are conflict avoidant use this as a strategy and dont mean so malevolently. He's admitted this to you. Is there a way forward?

This.

He lies because it makes his life easier.

It's all about what suits him.

It always will be.

Did he stay over with the Ex? They obviously have a good relationship, were you aware of that?

The problem with a lie is that you can't trust him. Next time he says he will have the children, you'll doubt it.

How did you find out?

I used to do this out of fear, it was a mechanism learnt in early childhood to stop my mother losing her temper with me because I couldn't cope with her displeasure and the punishments which accompanied it. Leaving me in a busy Germany city and going home when I was 4 and barely spoke German for example. I've had therapy to deal with some elements of my childhood but it's still a knee jerk response I have to actively fight against.

It is fixable but it takes work and if it stems from a place like mine, the underlying causes need addressing first.

You may not be the only one with issues around trust. Perhaps he has issues around conflict feeling that he needs to use pacifying talk to avoid conflict? You may feel you are laid back but even a hesitant look may trigger fears of co flirt in him? People lie by omission etc for a reason. He clearly thought you would be upset at him staying so sidestepped the issue.

He has trust issues too and doesn't trust you yet to not react badly to certain situations.

Here he seems to have been lying to avoid a conflict that didn't actually exist. You say you wouldn't have been bothered by him having dinner with his ex anyway. He's presumed to know your own mind better than you do, and that seems extremely disrespectful. Not to mention disempowering.

I would make clear to him that, in order to continue in a relationship with you, he has to find a better way to deal with both perceived and actual conflict. The lies are important because they take choice away from you.

It's understandable that you're at a loss to know how to rebuild the trust, and that should be his problem to deal with. Ask him to come up with a plan for how he intends to do it. His reaction may tell you whether he's serious when he says he wants to work on the relationship or whether it's another convenient lie.

I too had this issue as my mother would be really emotionally abusive if I told her the truth and displeased her. Lots of therapy and low contact has helped me stop doing this. My DH has been a huge help too. I don’t do it anymore but it’d taken a lot of work to get here. There might be an underlying reason for his behaviour.

Staying with someone untrustworthy and struggling to trust them isn't 'having trust issues'.

You won't even be able to trust his answer if you ask him if he's bought teabags.

This is his doing and if he didn't want to maintain power, he wouldn't be doing it.

Seems like a pretty serious problem in your relationship OP.

If things are otherwise good maybe try some couples counselling?

I think you need to be able to trust your partner though and he is not earning your trust, in fact he is undermining it.

My DH does this and now the problem is that I just don’t trust him and it’s been poison to our relationship. He will be back late from work and I’ll be thinking is it because of traffic or actually because hes stopped to see a friend etc

I agree with the posters asking about abusive parents

I lie to smooth things over automatically because my mother was/is abusive. You learn it as a child the same way you learn to colour in or do maths or get dressed

Its really hard to break the habit when it so deeply engrained

My Dh also lies for the same reason. It's hard because they I worry about trusting him so I do get your side, but I also understand the reasons why

I married someone like this. Let me tell you if he's lies over the small things then he'll definitely lie over the big things. You'll be questioning everything he says, always wondering if it's the truth and potentially walking on eggshells to try to prevent him feeling the need to lie - as if it's somehow your fault/problem.

Let me tell you it's never your fault if he lies - it's his choice, he's never doing it to protect you no matter what he says - he's doing it to protect himself, to control situations and he's in such a survival mood with it by the sounds of it that you'll never change him. I tried for years. I went over and over how it was the lies causing all the upset - but it changed nothing. My OH went to therapy and told all sorts of lies there too. It's literally never ending.

I say run as fast as you can before you get in any deeper. In the end it turned out mine ticked every box going for covert narcissism. Don't let him make your whole life into one big lie, I promise you can't change him and you can't save him.

I dated someone who would lie about silly things like what he had for lunch - Chicken? Fish? He was a people pleaser with this carefully crafted charming persona and he wanted to provide the answer that would be put him in the best possible light - he didn't want to say Fish if Fish was the planned meal later, for example - silly stuff.

But it turned out he lied about the Big Stuff too. Motive was still people pleasing, but Big Stuff. He was also an alcoholic. I would not date someone who lied about the silly stuff. I would find it hard to believe it stopped at silly stuff.

IME people like this are very hard to be around because even if it is a small thing, you find yourself questioning everything and not believing anything they say. He does not seem to be getting how serious this is, so he needs to know this is a total deal breaker for you and will cause the end of the relationship if he is not 100% honest going forward.

This is why I got a divorce. Constantly questioning whether or not you know the truth is no way to live

@JamSandle thank you that's reassuring to know. (I do have serious trust issues anyway so does affect my view of things). I've had a long talk and he says he's always been like it with everyone and it's not just me. I've said I can't accept lying no matter how small and he's said he'll try and be more open and honest. We'll see what happens as I'm not sure I can give another chance if he goes back on this one.

@Fireflygal no he didn't stay over, left after tea. I know they co parent amicably and I've briefly chatted to her via messenger (never met) but I trust its platonic. It was just the fact he didn't tell me the truth about his plans and made me think something different. If he'd just said I wouldn't have had an issue.

These lies aren’t avoiding conflict. They’re creating conflict. And his response is he can’t see the problem.