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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found out my partner lies about things to avoid conflict

55 replies

MsAngst · 24/12/2022 19:49

Could I ask some advice as just not sure what is the right decision.

I've been with my partner for 18 months and he is the most kind, caring, and laid back man I've ever met. It took me a long time to trust him due to previous relationships (one a 10 year dv relationship) where my trust had been badly broken. It appeared to be that we were the perfect match and just seemed to work so well. We both have children from our previous long term relationships.
I've always had a niggle that he was keeping something back and it's now come to light that he has often changed or kept back information from what he tells me about his day to day life as he said he didn't want to cause conflict. I'm a very chilled person and the only times there's been upset (not arguments, just me raising my feelings when something hasn't sat right) is when I've felt he's not been honest with me. After telling him why I have trust issues and asking him to be open and honest with me he said he would and wanted me to trust him. I've now just found out the plans he told me he had with his children over this Xmas weekend weren't true. He didn't out and out lie, just failed to actually tell me his real plans (dropping the kids back at his ex wifes house both evenings and having dinner with them all ) when he had implied he was having his kids over the two days and then dropping them back late Xmas eve. When I found out I got upset and said if he'd just told me I wouldn't have had a problem with it but felt betrayed that he'd lied to me about his plans. After talking it now transpires that these lies and omissions are quite frequent. He said he can't see the problem as they're only small lies and omissions to not upset me but I feel like I don't even know him anymore or whether any of our relationship has been real or just a fabricated lie.
I just feel at a loss as to what to do. I love him and everything else is perfect and we could have such a good future however I just feel I can't trust him now and not sure whether to end it or try and make it work. He said he wants to make it work but I just feel I can't let myself be vulnerable emotionally to him now.

To add before anyone queries, there's no overt dv red flags here with this relationship (been there, done that, can spot those a mile off), he's just someone who hates conflict so says he does it to stop any upset. Despite me saying it's the lies that cause the upset and not the actual facts he's hiding

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/12/2022 23:32

I saw a quote somewhere which went

"I'm not upset that you lied to me. I'm upset that I can no longer trust you."

And that's the issue here. You can no longer trust him.

And he's even told you he will lie to you again -

"he says he's always been like it with everyone and it's not just me."
and
"He said he can't see the problem as they're only small lies"

Lying is ingrained in him. He chooses to lie to smooth his own path. Because it's convenient. And his convenience is so much more important than the peace of mind that you would get from being able to trust him. So much more important. To him.

"I just feel at a loss as to what to do. I love him and everything else is perfect and we could have such a good future however I just feel I can't trust him now and not sure whether to end it or try and make it work. He said he wants to make it work but I just feel I can't let myself be vulnerable emotionally to him now."
But the perfection is based on lies. That imagined future is based on lies. Him saying he wants to make it work could be a lie. It would be a deal breaker for me. I cannot function in a relationship without trust.

fUNNYfACE36 · 25/12/2022 00:40

It sounds as though he may be afraid of your reactions to things you don't want to head, is that a fair assumption?

Sausagelove · 25/12/2022 03:26

Something nasty is happening with these lies and Mooncup has rightly picked up on the power aspect.

Dont be gaslighted into believing the reason he lies is because you’re a scary unhinged person who’s going to fly off the handle if he has tea with his ex. Because that makes him a victim who's so frightened of you he has has to lie. Therefore it’s your fault. I hope you challenged this disgusting gaslighting bullshit. He has been emotionally abusive to you by saying this. He is blaming you for his lying.

Lying is not always about white lies or avoiding conflict. For some people it’s about power and control. It’s about controlling information, your thoughts and perceptions. It’s the thrill they get from lying to your face. The smug power trip they get when you naively believe them. It’s one up manship of witholding information and very often behind these lies is contempt.

It is quite awful that you have confided to him that your ex broke your trust. Many of us know how traumatic that is and how hard it is to trust again after that. And now this man who worked so hard to gain your trust is telling you that he lies to you regularly, he’s always done it, it’s no big deal and in fact it’s your fault he lies and he’ll try to stop doing it.

It doesn’t sound like he’s acknowledged your feelings about this at all. He has broken your trust and the best he can come up with it he’ll try to stop. Many emotional abusers make sure you will not get what is important to you. Like most people you need a reliable partner you can trust, and this man has told you to your face you wont be getting that. He’s not a nice man.

silentpool · 25/12/2022 04:01

My ex-h was like this. Little lies became very very big ones over time and he never took responsibility - it was never his fault. It's a personality flaw, that won't improve.

Original poster

MsAngst · 25/12/2022 11:58

BubblinTrouble · 24/12/2022 20:49

I too had this issue as my mother would be really emotionally abusive if I told her the truth and displeased her. Lots of therapy and low contact has helped me stop doing this. My DH has been a huge help too. I don’t do it anymore but it’d taken a lot of work to get here. There might be an underlying reason for his behaviour.

@BubblinTrouble could you give me an insight as to how your DH as I think this is a similar issue and I'd like to be able to know how to help so we can hopefully get through this, otherwise if it continues it would be the end for our relationship

OP posts:

Original poster

MsAngst · 25/12/2022 11:58

Show quote history

@BubblinTrouble sorry, that meant to say 'how your DH helped you'

OP posts:

Liveafr · 25/12/2022 14:26

Besides the lying, another thing that would have bothered me is this: he assumed that you would be upset with him having dinner with his ex, and still he went ahead and did it. The fact that you would have been ok with this does not matter: in healthy relationships, limits and what is acceptable are discussed and negotiated beforehand, not just broken with the lie as a free pass.

BigFatLiar · 25/12/2022 14:38

bothered me is this: he assumed that you would be upset with him having dinner with his ex, and still he went ahead and did it.

He obviously sees his relationship with his children as a priority and is concerned you'd be upset.

Branleuse · 25/12/2022 14:41

I cant deal with people pleasers who just dont tell the truth. Just fucking say!!

NippyWoowoo · 25/12/2022 14:55

My friend's partner did this. In therapy he realised that it was an automatic response he learned in childhood to avoid angering parents. Not everyone is deceitful.

Lemonlady22 · 25/12/2022 16:48

Lkydfju · 24/12/2022 21:31

My DH does this and now the problem is that I just don’t trust him and it’s been poison to our relationship. He will be back late from work and I’ll be thinking is it because of traffic or actually because hes stopped to see a friend etc

Mine does the same, even when I know he’s lying. One big lie was he was just getting on the channel tunnel train, so wouldn’t be able to phone me… then his mate posted a picture on FB of them on a plane?!? Ffs why lie, tbh the whole trip away turned into one big lie that I discovered!

OldFan · 26/12/2022 11:39

I would find it shifty that he hid how much time he was spending with his ex wife.

KangarooKenny · 26/12/2022 11:49

My DH does this, lies about things that he thinks I’ll kick off/get upset about. But when I find out I find it twice as bad.
He lies about little things so easily that my default is not to believe a word he says, therefore there’s no trust.
‘As you’re not married I think you should end it and get rid of the stress. It’s

CheekyHobson · 05/01/2023 17:58

Don't be gaslighted into believing the reason he lies is because you’re a scary unhinged person who’s going to fly off the handle if he has tea with his ex. Because that makes him a victim who's so frightened of you he has has to lie. Therefore it’s your fault. I hope you challenged this disgusting gaslighting bullshit. He has been emotionally abusive to you by saying this. He is blaming you for his lying.

This from @Sausagelove is spot on. My ex used to lie to me because, in his words, “If I told you the truth, you’d get upset and shout at me”. This used to upset me (not to the point of shouting at him!) because it wasn’t true. It was projecting an image onto me of me being abusive and unreasonable. I knew where it came from, as his mother was abusive, but fundamentally he couldn’t differentiate between his mother and me. I felt I was constantly being made out to be someone awful, who I wasn’t, and it affected my sense of self.

In the bigger picture, because he had convinced himself that I was the real problem, he was able to justify both small and inconsequential lies and big and consequential ones using the same logic. No, I wouldn’t have been upset if he’d been honest about him doing some personal errands while going to the supermarket. But yes, I was upset that he was hiding huge amounts of personal spending through his business while we struggled with a debt at home.

If honesty is not a foundation of the relationship, I don’t believe it can succeed or be healthy.

SimoneSimone · 05/01/2023 18:38

Just leave him. Then he doesn't have to walk on egg shells anymore with your lack of trust and lie to keep his peace of mind. It may hurt him but it will be better in the long term for both of you.

wantmorenow · 05/01/2023 19:31

He's a liar. That's who he is. You can't fix him. He will gaslight you, deceive you and likely eventually turn on you when you call him out on the lies. Or cry or threaten suicide or whatever else works to keep you enthralled.

You will spend every moment looking for lies, evidence of whether what he just said is true or another lie.

Do not fall for the sunk costs fallacy or imagining what could be if this just be fixed. It can't. He is a liar. Walk away now. It's only a matter of time before you realise this is a not a healthy relationship. Make it now and not 7 years later like I did.

Forthelast · 05/01/2023 19:42

People like this don't tend to change. I also think it's the tip of the iceberg of bigger issues around honesty, intimacy and dealing with difficulties. The issues are small now but why would he alter what he does for bigger ones? He wants an easy life (not for you to be spared from upset) and doesn't see how damaging it is. This is triggering for you and he won't stop. I don't think you have a future together, I'm sorry. You've been together a relatively short time and you've had a good run but this is an irreconcilable difference unless you're prepared to live wondering what you don't know all the time. Personally I couldn't bear being lied to.

Dacquoise · 05/01/2023 19:53

Liveafr · 25/12/2022 14:26

My exH was someone who avoided conflict by lying but the crux of it was to ensure he got his own way as @Liveafr says. Things like taking our daughter out on a Sunday but he was secretly dropping her off at my mother's while he went to play sport.

He was also very passive aggressive about other things which crept up as the relationship went on. Always deniable but actually 'socking it to me' in sly ways.

All of these things are maladaptive behaviours from childhood, he had a very overbearing mother. But was resistant to sorting it out. I would take a reluctance to work on this as ominous for your future together because it will wear you down particularly if you have trust issues already.

Ilovelurchers · 05/01/2023 20:14

I have a tendency to do this myself, because I hate conflict and am a bit scared of it. I agree it's not a good way to be and it is something I have worked on in therapy, but I wouldn't swear I would never ever do it again in certain circumstances.

Perhaps because of this, it doesn't bother me that much if somebody else does it. (Obviously it depends what it is about.) As an example, my husband has a female friend I simply cannot stand, though I acknowledge his right to be friends with her. If he bumps into her (it's not a close friendship but they have mutual friends so he sometimes sees her in this context) he will tend not to mention it because he knows that even being reminded of her existence causes irrational annoyance in me. Though he is being dishonest really, I kind of get his point! I would feel differently of course if he was shagging her and lying about that.....

I think many people (of course not all) are dishonest sometimes about some things - and yet on the internet people tend to present themselves as paragons of absolute virtue. I am not saying that everyone who speaks of themselves in this way actually tells lies sometimes - I accept that some people don't - but many people in reality will lie to avoid causing trouble or offence, or bringing up difficult topics.....

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:30

Lying is justified if it is to protect your own emotional well-being and avoid grief, especially when the response the full and frank truth will result in an unreasonable response.

if it really doesn’t directly affect the other person, it’s fine.

people are not necessarily owed the truth at the expense of another person’s suffering.

365names · 05/01/2023 20:31

Blossomandbee · 24/12/2022 20:04

From my experience people like this don't change. They have this pathological tendency to lie, even over silly things, that they then have excuses as to why.
There's no reason to lie other than choosing to.
It eats away at you and means you can never trust them on the big or little things.

It's not a nice position for you to be in and I've no advice on how you proceed. Only you know what you are willing to accept and live with.
If honesty and trust is important to you I would seriously re think this relationship.

Big lie little lie.
Its a deal breaker for me

ladygindiva · 05/01/2023 20:43

wantmorenow · 05/01/2023 19:31

You will spend every moment looking for lies, evidence of whether what he just said is true or another lie.

Yup, all of this. I'm in this situation , 8 years and two kids in, and it's horrific. I've sent him on his way because his lies are actually affecting my mental health.

Thelifeofawife · 05/01/2023 21:57

My DH is like this and believe me it goes from little white lies over silly things, to lies about big issues that I only find out about by accident or when the sh*t has hit the fan or I need to fix something. The conflict caused by it can be unbearable at times. Like you, I believed him when he said he understood and would communicate better, but it always turns out to be “look at your reaction, that’s why I don’t tell you”.
It sounds like you’ve already been through enough with your past relationship, you deserve to be with someone who won’t make you doubt yourself constantly, someone who makes you feel secure

BloomingXmas · 05/01/2023 22:32

I spent 22 years married to a man that I now know has pathological conflict avoidance. A really ‘nice’ guy, never lied directly to me but omitted lots of information and never raised any issues throughout our marriage. It was soul destroying.

He thinks he’s a good guy because he never caused an argument and let me make all of the decisions, he has admitted that there were lots of decisions I made that he wasn’t happy with (from home decor to parenting decisions)
I wanted a partner, for better or worse, not someone who had no ability to raise and address problems in a mature way.

BloomingXmas · 05/01/2023 22:33

You can tell a lot about a person by how they resolve conflict within their relationships

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