Found out my partner lies about things to avoid conflict

[MsAngst]

Could I ask some advice as just not sure what is the right decision.

I've been with my partner for 18 months and he is the most kind, caring, and laid back man I've ever met. It took me a long time to trust him due to previous relationships (one a 10 year dv relationship) where my trust had been badly broken. It appeared to be that we were the perfect match and just seemed to work so well. We both have children from our previous long term relationships.
I've always had a niggle that he was keeping something back and it's now come to light that he has often changed or kept back information from what he tells me about his day to day life as he said he didn't want to cause conflict. I'm a very chilled person and the only times there's been upset (not arguments, just me raising my feelings when something hasn't sat right) is when I've felt he's not been honest with me. After telling him why I have trust issues and asking him to be open and honest with me he said he would and wanted me to trust him. I've now just found out the plans he told me he had with his children over this Xmas weekend weren't true. He didn't out and out lie, just failed to actually tell me his real plans (dropping the kids back at his ex wifes house both evenings and having dinner with them all ) when he had implied he was having his kids over the two days and then dropping them back late Xmas eve. When I found out I got upset and said if he'd just told me I wouldn't have had a problem with it but felt betrayed that he'd lied to me about his plans. After talking it now transpires that these lies and omissions are quite frequent. He said he can't see the problem as they're only small lies and omissions to not upset me but I feel like I don't even know him anymore or whether any of our relationship has been real or just a fabricated lie.
I just feel at a loss as to what to do. I love him and everything else is perfect and we could have such a good future however I just feel I can't trust him now and not sure whether to end it or try and make it work. He said he wants to make it work but I just feel I can't let myself be vulnerable emotionally to him now.

To add before anyone queries, there's no overt dv red flags here with this relationship (been there, done that, can spot those a mile off), he's just someone who hates conflict so says he does it to stop any upset. Despite me saying it's the lies that cause the upset and not the actual facts he's hiding

He said he can't see the problem as they're only small lies and omissions to not upset me
How dare he patronise you like this. Or expect you to believe it.

I've had a long talk and he says he's always been like it with everyone and it's not just me.
Does he reckon that makes it ok?
What a plank.

I've said I can't accept lying no matter how small and he's said he'll try and be more open and honest.
He'll "try" not to lie to you? That's mighty big of him.
How on earth are you going to believe him? He's already told you he lies to stop you getting upset. So this is probably just another lie, to stop you getting upset.

You have told him that it's the lies, not the subject matter, that upsets you.
If he can't understand that, what's the point of him? He's going to have you walking on eggshells, constantly analysing his speech for falsehoods.

Hi @MsAngst - hope you’re well. I just came across your post and I was wondering how your relationship with your husband now? Because I’m in a similar situation right now with my partner. Just curious as to how you went about to resolve this issue or is it still there and if it is how do you cope with it?

OP, I had a massive row with my DH over this very issue. I discovered that he'd made a very important phone call behind my back (I was supposed to be involved) and then didn't tell me until I directly asked about planning the call a day or so later. He claimed he didn't tell me because he knew I'd be upset.

This has been an ongoing issue in our 20-year relationship, and it's taken me a long time to work out the psychology. Basically I see the relationship as between two equals. I tell him everything, as soon as possible, because that's the way I expect two adults to relate. He on the other hand sees the relationship as something he has to 'manage' to get the best outcome (for himself). So he will withhold anything he thinks might cause conflict, which of course eventually leads to the conflict he claims he wants to avoid.

What he doesn't get is the bigger picture: I can't trust him. As Choconut said, if he's withholding the little things, how do I know he isn't withholding big things? (He has form for this in his previous marriage.) It's a slow drip, drip, drip destruction of the relationship until there's nothing left.

My dh is like this.. lies for an easy life to reduce conflict. Rather than lying it's usually not telling me things.. which I see as the same. He'll usually just say he forgot. He knows how I feel and has told me things recently I had now way of finding out so he is trying. Scary how it zones so easy though.

10 years in, i let little lies slip as he was just so incredible. I still believe there are cognitive impairments that impact his memory and tendency to confabulate.
However, regardless of his level of agency, its been really difficult and it has almost destroyed my mental health.
When big issues came up, he was defensive and avoidant.
Eventually, his conflict avoidance and lying became habitual, and it broke us.

Do not go forward with a man who lies, until he has identified his issues, taken accountability and sought help.

10 years in the pain is deep.