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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So upset with Pils letting us down and DH enabling it

53 replies

Concestor · 24/12/2022 15:43

I'm so upset. DHs parents are super flaky and getting worse. His dad has health anxiety though doesn't accept this and thinks he has legitimate health concerns (he doesn't, he's fine). Most times when they visit, which isn't often, they go home early because FIL has decided his heart is "missing beats" or he just "isn't well". He has a pacemaker so it's not possible to miss beats.

As you can tell, I have little patience for it any more. I have anxiety myself and I do my best not to let it rule my life so I feel he should try as well.

Anyway they are due to come to us for new year. But he's been having some troubles with his eyes and saw a specialist on Monday. He's ok, but will need an operation to correct his squint (in both eyes) and also has glaucoma. He is driving locally but shouldn't be, so we suggested they get the train to us as we are a couple of hours away.

They have not really responded, not helped by DH being utterly shit when he talks to them and so he doesn't ask questions or get them to make decisions.

Anyway I insisted he find out what they were doing today and apparently they "don't feel comfortable getting the train" so are just not going to come. They have ruined our new year because it's too late to make plans and I've also committed to feeding a neighbour's cat based on us being here with visitors.

DH is cross with me because I'm upset and angry, and I'm fed up of him letting his parents treat us badly and let us and the kids down all the time. The kids are upset not to see them as they hardly ever visit and don't have room for us to visit them.

DH never pushes back at them at all, just lets them do whatever they want and I'm fed up of being second best (this is triggering both because of issues in our marriage and issues from my childhood).

I feel really tearful and like I never want to see them again as they clearly do not give a shit. My mum is nearly blind and would get the train! I don't understand why they won't get a train to visit.

I'm so upset and I feel sick as this has now made me really anxious about trying to salvage new year and handle the children's disappointment. As usual it will all be on me to sort something out.

OP posts:
confusednewbie · 24/12/2022 15:46

Are there other issues going on as to me this wouldn’t trigger or cause an issue? I would just say ‘oh well’ and crack on making other plans. If they dont want to see you, then it is their loss.

lbnblbnb · 24/12/2022 15:46

You say you understand as you have anxiety - but you don't seem to be very understanding. They haven't ruined your new year, you said it is stressful when they are there... Focus on what you want to do with your OH and kids. It will only be ruined if you let it be. Lots of time to plan what you want to do, not like it is tomorrow. Go for a walk, deep breaths.

BadlydoneHelen · 24/12/2022 15:47

Honestly, I feel like there must be a lot more going on here because all I would see is "The in-laws aren't coming, hurrah"

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 24/12/2022 15:50

Quite frankly I would not want to rely on a train at the moment. The number that are cancelled, not to mention the strikes, mean it’s been a bloody nightmare.

It has only ruined your New Year if you want it too. If they’re hard work it sounds like you’ve got a lucky escape.

MelchiorsMistress · 24/12/2022 15:50

It will only be on you to sort something out if you decide a New Year’s Eve with just your own family is not good enough. Otherwise you have two adults and children, that’s enough of you to make a nice evening.

You’re taking this far too personally. If you can’t understand that anxiety can be debilitating enough for some people that they genuinely can’t get the train or do other things expected of them, then I would kindly suggest that your understanding of anxiety is lacking, despite claiming to suffer from it yourself. Someone being too anxious to do something, or feeling that they’d rather avoid the event because it will make their anxiety intolerable, does not mean that they don’t give a shit about their family.

Your FIL is not responsible for your feelings of being second best because of your childhood or marriage issues, and it is horrible for you to try and force them on him via your DH.

Ilikewinter · 24/12/2022 15:50

Im obviously missing something OP because I dont understand why you are so angry. Surely you just carry on with your NYE plans, minus the inlaws who sound hard work anyway?

Icannever · 24/12/2022 16:00

Could your dh just pick them up? If they are older and in poor health the thought of getting a train might be overwhelming esp with strikes and cancellations and bad weather.
Also a last minute train ticket at this time of year can be very expensive
Plus as previous poster said if they annoy you that much anyway surely it’s a relief 😊

Inkpotlover · 24/12/2022 16:02

You sound horribly lacking in empathy. It's not unusual for people to develop health anxiety as they get older and my 70+ parents are definitely more cautious about travelling long distances too. Even driving the hour's journey to our house fills them with nerves. So a couple of hours on a train might seem a breeze to you but it's clearly not to them and that's without factoring in how awful train services are at the moment. Your FIL's health issues aren't imaginary either – he's had a pacemaker fitted and now has glaucoma affecting his eyesight. Maybe if you had a little more compassion for them they wouldn't be so keen to get away early or not come at all? Your attitude is probably written all over your face.

Afterfire · 24/12/2022 16:06

I think you’re being unfair. You say your fil doesn’t have health concerns- well he has a pacemaker and eye issues (I have glaucoma in the family so I understand it) and those aren’t “nothing”. If you have anxiety you can control then you are lucky, not everyone can.

Enjoy the fact you have Christmas to yourselves and stop moaning. Be kind to your dh and your in laws. In the grand scheme of things they don’t sound too bad! We’re completely no contact with ours for all kinds of seriously horrible issues!

Itsthewhitehat · 24/12/2022 16:06

Op, they aren’t coming. That’s it all.

Nee year isn’t ruined. Why can’t you have a lovely new year with just DH? Even if you can’t find any friends that have room for 2 more, that can be a lovely new year.

It’s great your mum is independent. Great that your anxiety doesn’t rule any of your life, which is hugely unusual for someone with diagnosed, ongoing anxiety. Doesn’t mean that everyone else should be or are bad people.

My Dp is deaf. When it first happened he really struggled. If you though he was a bad person for not wanting to do certain things, I would tell you that you are out of order.

dammit88 · 24/12/2022 16:09

Could you go and collect them?

sunshinealwayscomesback · 24/12/2022 16:09

This is totally ridiculous. How can you say he has no valid health issues with what you've mentioned? You don't show any care about them at all but are being so insulted thinking they don't show care for you! They are elderly and worried. I'm sure they would rather stay at home than make a stressful journey to visit someone so unsympathetic.

NoSquirrels · 24/12/2022 16:09

Why have they ruined anything? They don’t sound like they’re the life and soul of a party anyway! Just plan nice stuff for your family. Open up the invite to anyone local who might be at a loose end?

NoSquirrels · 24/12/2022 16:10

Can’t your DH drive to pick them up?

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 24/12/2022 16:12

The advice is not to travel by train today - there are strikes.

itsgettingweird · 24/12/2022 16:16

I would t want to catch a train a few hours away atm either tbh.

If you want to spend time with them that much then you travel to them and stay in a travelodge or such like. It won't cost you more than a train would cost them 🤷‍♀️

PearPickingPorky · 24/12/2022 16:20

Do you think maybe your projecting your marriage issues and insecurities onto you PIL?

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 24/12/2022 16:21

No moaning relatives? Sounds like a bloody win to me.

Pippa12 · 24/12/2022 16:22

In the nicest possible way it doesn’t sound like you really care for their company and he can probably feel you being dismissive of his health concerns. They’ve let you know a week in advance that they aren’t coming. Games night with a few nibbles with your mum? You could even go to theirs for the day and come back before the evening.

They haven’t ruined it… but I think you might.

zurala · 24/12/2022 16:24

It would be a four hour round trip so no DH can't fetch them. They were coming for new year not today, and trains are running and not expensive because we checked.

We can't "make plans" because we are now stuck here with no visitors, no babysitter, and everyone has plans already because in terms of new year this is really last minute.

I posted here in relationships because people are usually understanding here, I am feeling incredibly anxious and sick now because of this last minute cancellation.

It's just the cumulation of them always being so crap and not caring about the impact on us. They constantly let us down and the kids are really upset.

I know some people would find "just them" really enjoyable but both our kids have SEN and one also has a long term health condition so it's not as easy as just "play some games", they have a big age gap and don't play with each other and it's so much easier with other people here.

As it is, we will end up just putting them to bed and watching TV like we do every night. It's just so disappointing and like we don't matter.

zurala · 24/12/2022 16:26

Pippa12 · 24/12/2022 16:22

In the nicest possible way it doesn’t sound like you really care for their company and he can probably feel you being dismissive of his health concerns. They’ve let you know a week in advance that they aren’t coming. Games night with a few nibbles with your mum? You could even go to theirs for the day and come back before the evening.

They haven’t ruined it… but I think you might.

My parents don't live nearby, so we can't see them, they are coming for Christmas then going.

Unfortunately we can't go to them and back in a day, it would be 4 hours and our DD had a health condition which means she couldn't cope with that.

And I do like to see them, I am just so worn down by constantly being let down by them. They just don't seem to care about us.

justasking111 · 24/12/2022 16:27

DS test two hour train journey yesterday took 7.5 hours. He's a young man, can sit on his rucksack. I wouldn't put parents through this.

Daffodilis · 24/12/2022 16:30

So you are angry because they won't be able to babysit on New Year's Eve?

lbnblbnb · 24/12/2022 16:32

@zurala
I think you are determined to see this as a disaster, so not sure if there is any point posting this but you could:
Order in your and DH's favourite food (or cook it)
Get your favourite drink in
Decide on a film you really want to watch together
Get fireworks to let off with the kids (depends how close your neighbours are etc)
Do a nice trip out with the kids in the day.
There are loads of other ideas on Pinterest or just do whatever your kids would like.

Or

You could focus on how 'you have been let down' and have a miserable time. In fact, it seems you are going to brood on it and let it ruin Christmas.

I hope you can find a way though it.

Itsthewhitehat · 24/12/2022 16:32

zurala · 24/12/2022 16:24

It would be a four hour round trip so no DH can't fetch them. They were coming for new year not today, and trains are running and not expensive because we checked.

We can't "make plans" because we are now stuck here with no visitors, no babysitter, and everyone has plans already because in terms of new year this is really last minute.

I posted here in relationships because people are usually understanding here, I am feeling incredibly anxious and sick now because of this last minute cancellation.

It's just the cumulation of them always being so crap and not caring about the impact on us. They constantly let us down and the kids are really upset.

I know some people would find "just them" really enjoyable but both our kids have SEN and one also has a long term health condition so it's not as easy as just "play some games", they have a big age gap and don't play with each other and it's so much easier with other people here.

As it is, we will end up just putting them to bed and watching TV like we do every night. It's just so disappointing and like we don't matter.

But you can’t expect to have other people travel that far when they aren’t comfortable because it makes it easier for you.

You give a lot of reasons you can’t do anything else, whilst ignoring what they are saying their limitations are.

If you and dh just sit and watch TV, then that’s because that’s what you choose. You could put them to bed and have a nice meal. Or a drink. Watch a new movie. Actually plan something.

I get it’s disappointing. But you can still make it a nice evening