So upset with Pils letting us down and DH enabling it

[Concestor]

I'm so upset. DHs parents are super flaky and getting worse. His dad has health anxiety though doesn't accept this and thinks he has legitimate health concerns (he doesn't, he's fine). Most times when they visit, which isn't often, they go home early because FIL has decided his heart is "missing beats" or he just "isn't well". He has a pacemaker so it's not possible to miss beats.

As you can tell, I have little patience for it any more. I have anxiety myself and I do my best not to let it rule my life so I feel he should try as well.

Anyway they are due to come to us for new year. But he's been having some troubles with his eyes and saw a specialist on Monday. He's ok, but will need an operation to correct his squint (in both eyes) and also has glaucoma. He is driving locally but shouldn't be, so we suggested they get the train to us as we are a couple of hours away.

They have not really responded, not helped by DH being utterly shit when he talks to them and so he doesn't ask questions or get them to make decisions.

Anyway I insisted he find out what they were doing today and apparently they "don't feel comfortable getting the train" so are just not going to come. They have ruined our new year because it's too late to make plans and I've also committed to feeding a neighbour's cat based on us being here with visitors.

DH is cross with me because I'm upset and angry, and I'm fed up of him letting his parents treat us badly and let us and the kids down all the time. The kids are upset not to see them as they hardly ever visit and don't have room for us to visit them.

DH never pushes back at them at all, just lets them do whatever they want and I'm fed up of being second best (this is triggering both because of issues in our marriage and issues from my childhood).

I feel really tearful and like I never want to see them again as they clearly do not give a shit. My mum is nearly blind and would get the train! I don't understand why they won't get a train to visit.

I'm so upset and I feel sick as this has now made me really anxious about trying to salvage new year and handle the children's disappointment. As usual it will all be on me to sort something out.

A four hour round trip isn't such a big deal. It's only two hours there and back and should be worth it if they're staying over. Why have you ruled it out?

Im sorry OP but you sound really lacking in compassion and your own agency

It isnt for other people to make your plans happen and I would not expect older people, particularly people with serious health problems like your FIL to manage journeys like that, I wouldnt ask that of my own parents

You say you cant visit them (when you referred to your kids not seeing them a lot), well visit but use a hotel or airbnb if they dont have space, then you're not overcrowding each other

You sound like you really need to be supported with your own anxiety, you're projecting a load of stuff on others about what they should do and how they should do it (your husband for example) but not really managing your own emotions. Your husband will manage the relationship with his parents the way he feels he should.

People not being able to visit you because of significant health needs (whether you feel they are valid or not, they are valid to them), is no sign of whether you matter or not. You're looking too far outside of yourself to find reasons to feel ok.

Based on what you described I wouldn't want my parents getting the train. If you cant collect them or visit them it seems sensible to leave it until your fil is sorted. It's just new year. Enjoy the evening as a family.