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Original poster

So upset with Pils letting us down and DH enabling it

53 replies

Concestor · 24/12/2022 15:43

I'm so upset. DHs parents are super flaky and getting worse. His dad has health anxiety though doesn't accept this and thinks he has legitimate health concerns (he doesn't, he's fine). Most times when they visit, which isn't often, they go home early because FIL has decided his heart is "missing beats" or he just "isn't well". He has a pacemaker so it's not possible to miss beats.

As you can tell, I have little patience for it any more. I have anxiety myself and I do my best not to let it rule my life so I feel he should try as well.

Anyway they are due to come to us for new year. But he's been having some troubles with his eyes and saw a specialist on Monday. He's ok, but will need an operation to correct his squint (in both eyes) and also has glaucoma. He is driving locally but shouldn't be, so we suggested they get the train to us as we are a couple of hours away.

They have not really responded, not helped by DH being utterly shit when he talks to them and so he doesn't ask questions or get them to make decisions.

Anyway I insisted he find out what they were doing today and apparently they "don't feel comfortable getting the train" so are just not going to come. They have ruined our new year because it's too late to make plans and I've also committed to feeding a neighbour's cat based on us being here with visitors.

DH is cross with me because I'm upset and angry, and I'm fed up of him letting his parents treat us badly and let us and the kids down all the time. The kids are upset not to see them as they hardly ever visit and don't have room for us to visit them.

DH never pushes back at them at all, just lets them do whatever they want and I'm fed up of being second best (this is triggering both because of issues in our marriage and issues from my childhood).

I feel really tearful and like I never want to see them again as they clearly do not give a shit. My mum is nearly blind and would get the train! I don't understand why they won't get a train to visit.

I'm so upset and I feel sick as this has now made me really anxious about trying to salvage new year and handle the children's disappointment. As usual it will all be on me to sort something out.

OP posts:
Bestcatmum · 24/12/2022 16:34

I simply annot understand why you are getting so worked up about their visit. Does it really matter if they come or not? Christmas and New year is more trouble than it's worth.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 24/12/2022 16:37

C&P from Nation Rail Website:

Due to industrial action, there will be significantly reduced services across the rail network today. Only travel if absolutely necessary.
Trains will be busier and finish around 15:00, with last trains departing much earlier. There will be no services at all in some places.
If you are travelling, please plan ahead and check that your entire journey is possible. If possible, consider travelling on another day.

Thedaysthatremain · 24/12/2022 16:40

How can you say someone with a pacemaker and glaucoma has no health concerns?

MissMaple82 · 24/12/2022 16:42

I find it insane how many people get themselves in a state and declare others having ruined their Christmas, mumsnet is rife for it at the moment. It's not ruined at all. You're the one who sounds very selfish in this, and you really shouldn't compare your anxiety and well you manahe it with someone else, that's a really shitty thing to do.

KilmordenCastle · 24/12/2022 16:43

Sorry OP but you are hugely overreacting here. They are elderly, nervous of travelling by train, your FIL has health issues and they have given you plenty of notice. I really cannot understand why you are so angry about this.

Hoppinggreen · 24/12/2022 16:44

Are they such amazing company that you can’t enjoy NYE without them?
Have fun with your dc

Onnabugeisha · 24/12/2022 16:46

@zurala

I think you are letting anxiety rule your life because you’re not coping well with what are reasonable changes in plans by your PILs. Due to the strikes, the trains are packed like sardines because even on non-strike days they are only running 60% of the usual number of trains. I cannot blame them for deciding not to come.

I think you are being very unfair by saying your FIL doesn’t have any health concerns and is fine, or it’s nothing when he has a pacemaker and needs eye surgery, has been diagnosed with glaucoma and now unable to drive due as a result. These are serious health concerns, you can’t be serious saying he has “health anxiety” and you’ve lost patience. (Btw, you can experience arrhythmia with a pacemaker. Pacemakers are programmed for your hearts current condition. If your condition deteriorates, you can certainly experience “missed beats” it’s a sign you need to get re-assessed by your consultant and the pacemaker reprogrammed.)

I don’t see how they are treating you badly at all? I don’t understand why you aren’t planning your own Christmas and NYE celebrations with you, your DH and DCs? Most families do not have grandparents with them and they still mark the occasion in some form. I agree with the pp in that you and DH should make plans and any parents are bonuses.

Madeyoulook · 24/12/2022 16:50

I feel sorry for them based on what you say, with their multiple health conditions and anxieties and I wouldn’t want to travel by train unless I had to at the moment.

PrincePrecious · 24/12/2022 16:54

You don't sound as though you like or respect them anyway so why would you be disappointed that they're not coming? Just enjoy the time with your family.
I'm sure you could find someone else to feed the neighbour's cat, so that doesn't prevent you all from taking off and doing something spontaneous if you really want to.
I would have thought you would have more empathy for your DFILs ' anxiety.

trulyunruly01 · 24/12/2022 16:55

If you're that upset and angry then drive up yourself on Thursday and get them. If that's the issue.
No? Surprise, surprise.

DemelzaandRoss · 24/12/2022 16:56

Health anxiety is a mental illness. Whilst you are confident your FIL is fine, he will not think he’s fine because he is mentally ill. I can understand your impatience as that is the normal reaction from the majority of the population who do not have health anxiety. A sufferer will be plagued by irrational thoughts every minute of the day. It’s torture.
Therefore it is kind of your DH to be sympathetic. I think you need to adopt a similar stance & accept your FIL’s illness. Given the choice, he would not want it either & probably feels guilty (without mentioning) of the problems he causes his family.
If he had a physical illness, you would feel differently.

Inkpotlover · 24/12/2022 16:58

They just don't seem to care about us.

If they didn't care about you, they wouldn't bother to make plans at all. As it is, they've given you a week's notice that they no longer feel able to come after your FIL saw an eye specialist this week and has been told he can't drive even locally. It's no wonder he's anxious about travelling.

I totally understand why you are upset though, if you were looking for some respite from looking after your SEN children 24/7. It must be so, so tough. Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 24/12/2022 17:02

This isn't about NY is it? So separate out the issues

What is triggering you about them deciding its too much for them? Do you feel DH always puts his needs first too? Do you feel you never get a break or support with the kids? Are you uoset that they generally don't seem to bother about seeing him or the kids?

What would you have done for NYE if they came? You said the kids wouldn't tolerate a games night so was it still basically food and TV fireworks but with more company? We're they babysitting for you? What from that can be salvaged?

It sounds like you're over reacting on the basis on most people not caring about not spending nye with the in laws, but you're entitled to how you feel

olympicsrock · 24/12/2022 17:03

Sorry OP you do need to have a bit of sympathy here.
There are old and worried and do not feel up to travelling a long way from home.
That is just the way it is. Perhaps you need to be the one visiting now your reasons for not going ( your daughter ) do not trump theirs. Perhaps meet in the middle?

BloodAndFire · 24/12/2022 17:06

You can't feed a cat because an elderly man with a pacemaker isn't coming to your house? What?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/12/2022 17:11

Why can’t your dh do a 4 hour round trip? My dh could easily drive double that and he’s mid 50s. Pre kids in our 30s we would do 10 hours of driving in a day…

jamoncrumpets · 24/12/2022 17:12

This thread is about your anxiety, OP, and nothing else.

unclebuck · 24/12/2022 17:14

Why not be super happy? You don't like them 🤷‍♀️

UsingChangeofName · 24/12/2022 17:17

I have to agree with everyone else.
You seem very dismissive of their health and concerns and yet you are making out this is some sort of disaster.
People are being advised not to travel by train if they can help it.
As a pp said, trains are just a disaster at the moment, whether it is a strike day or not.
Students traveling home can be flexible and will get by if they have to sit on their luggage in a corridor, but I wouldn't want to do that, and elderly grandparents even less so.

Do read @Itsthewhitehat 's post at the bottom of P1. some great advice.

I can't see why you are so distraught at people you clearly don't like not traveling to spend time with you. Confused

MintJulia · 24/12/2022 17:21

To be honest, I can't see the problem. Are you saying you, DH and DD can't have a nice time together? Just rejig the evening, organise something else for the three of you.

Soothsayer1 · 24/12/2022 17:27

BadlydoneHelen · 24/12/2022 15:47

Honestly, I feel like there must be a lot more going on here because all I would see is "The in-laws aren't coming, hurrah"

I think this too.
You sound very stressed & upset OP, I'm so sorry.
I hope you and him can talk it over and work things out🙏

Whatnextarghhhhhh · 24/12/2022 17:29

I am feeling incredibly anxious and sick now because of this last minute cancellation.

OP what is actually going on here because this is not a normal reaction from a grown adult for a change in NYE plans. What exactly were you planning on doing that is now not possible?

You also sound hugely lacking in empathy. If FIL has a pacemaker, is having eye surgery and suffers from glaucoma then most people would not say they have no health issues and are “fine”.

Your FIL is clearly struggling. Why don’t you travel to them instead?

carefulcalculator · 24/12/2022 17:31

You sound very stressed and also very unsympathetic. They are presumably fairly old, and have considerable health issues (pacemaker and glaucoma) and you seem to be putting pressure on them to do what will be a busy and ppotentially stressful journey.

I think you're the issue here.

clary · 24/12/2022 17:40

Op I agree, this seems to be about your anxiety. Are you able to look af that issue separately?

The train is an understandable worry for your PiLs. Even if it is ok, they will be anxious. Ds2 had a journey home yesterday by plane and train (no strikes) and because his plane was 2 hrs late he missed his planned train and the only other one was cancelled. He's 19 tho abd can deal with that

Last time I caught a train (a month ago) again no strikes that day but all trains were very full and at one point we all had to get off and wait an hour. i git home two hours late. I'm fit and healthy but even for me ut was a pain.

Tbh if you do still want to get together, why not drive? Set off early, have breakfast there, drive back, home by midday. I did a two hour round trip to fetch ds yesterday evening. No, it was not udeal, but it was OK.

Or as other suggest, thjnm what you could do instead? There must be people you know who would welcome an invite?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/12/2022 17:55

Look, they are old, your FIL is anxious - and by the way, if he has a pacemaker he must have had genuine cardiac problems, so I don't think it is fair to say "He just has health anxiety and I don't have to have any empathy for his fears". Travelling by train with baggage is not something I would ask my elderly parents to do - people feel less equal to these challenges as they age.

I also think it should be impossible to find something fun to do on NYE with a week's notice.

Natural to be disappointed though.