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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't know what he wants

53 replies

Jdhsushxv · 24/12/2022 11:21

Been dating a guy for a few months, things I thought were going really well.
We laugh all the time, have a great time when we're together, have great sex. Honestly seemed perfect.

we hadn't had the what are we talk yet but I felt it was coming.

we met up yesterday, and we both had a few drinks and ended up having the conversation. Turns out he's still dating around, he doesn't know what he wants, has commitment issues and doesn't want anything serious / long term rn.

I'm sad and feel stupid like I made us into more than what we were in my head. He says he's happy to keep doing what we're doing but I feel like after a few months he should know if he wants me or not

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 24/12/2022 15:20

What you accept is what you will get.

Staying with himis accepting this situation and this is all you will get. Why would he change? This is working for him. All his other women are having these 'good times' too you know.

Dump him and you have room for something better.

You are giving up on nothing exept more and more pain.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/12/2022 15:21

His 'commitment issues' wouldn't have come out of nowhere, he could easily have said he was just looking for a bit of fun from the outset

BCBird · 24/12/2022 15:25

You want different things. End it. Rest,pick yourself up and when you feel ready look for someone who is on the same page.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2022 15:27

Yuk, he's quite keen on manipulating to get what he wants.

Dump and run and have the conversation MUCH earlier next time.

Watchkeys · 24/12/2022 15:56

I feel like after a few months he should know if he wants me or not

Where does that 'should' come from? He should do what he wants. You should do what you want. If he isn't offering you what you want, you're the one who should be making changes, not him.

Pineappleskies · 24/12/2022 16:02

But you can't keep on as you were.

Because instead of hope and excitement you'll feel rejection and toe yourself in knots trying to be 'good enough'.

He's played a massive power move and said it's his terms or nothing, essentially.

He's not even addressed issues of 'changing his mind' aka dishonesty.

Be strong. The loss to him is greater than the loss to you, because you're simply a better, more evolved human being.

Sickofcoughing · 24/12/2022 16:06

Who cares what he wants? You want a committed relationship and unfortunately for him he hasn't come up with the goods.

Cut communication and remind yourself that you don't settle for sub standard relationships.

If he becomes persistent about staying in touch send one and one only message - a breezy "You're a really nice guy but we are on different pages with our lives and I don't see any point staying in touch. Best of luck with everything, it's been great fun spending time with you. Happy Christmas."

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 24/12/2022 16:07

He wants his cake and eat it

DrNo007 · 24/12/2022 16:17

Believe him, dump and move on. And I recommend reading Barbara De Angelis’s book Are You the One for Me? It’s from the 1990s but I have found it very useful for gaining immunity to ‘relationships’ like the one you describe.

Sandra1984 · 24/12/2022 16:19

BeverlyHa · 24/12/2022 11:27

When I decided I date to find a husband, I said it on every first date. I had only two dates, both men said yes to me, I'm married with the second and this is 10 years later. I didn't want anyone using me sexually or a past time woman. May be tough love here, but I value myself.

Just tell a man what your goal is with him from day 1. I am foreign and I had to do it this way in order to have security. May be English ladies wait for this amazing mome t a ring to appear in her drink but we foreign usually don't wait that long, because time is running fast.

Sounds like you were looking for a visa, not a partner.

TheCatterall · 24/12/2022 16:55

Euw. How many women is he having sex with as well as you. Does he take protection with them all…

@Jdhsushxv he’s playing you. To me once you decide to start having sex with someone you stop playing the field and dating around.

You are friends with benefits at best and you need to be the one to call it a day.

Regularsizedrudy · 24/12/2022 16:59

Wow so he’s happy to keep shagging you AND other people? What a huge surprise!

Know your worth. Walk away.

Dery · 24/12/2022 17:05

“‘I was quite upfront that I wasn't looking for something casual, that whilst I wasn't looking to rush anything I wanted a relationship. He said he wanted that also’

He's told you want you want to hear so that you don't turn the sex tap off.
He's very likely to have told the others he's dating the exact same things.”

Exactly this - he told you what you wanted to hear in order to get what he wanted. A lot of men will do this early on. That’s why actions are so much important than words and you need to allow time for things to unfold naturally.

Choconut · 24/12/2022 17:09

Jdhsushxv · 24/12/2022 11:34

I was quite upfront that I wasn't looking for something casual, that whilst I wasn't looking to rush anything I wanted a relationship. He said he wanted that also, so I thought we were on the same page so this is a bit of a shock tbh.
I know I need to just cut it off but there's that stupid voice in the back of my head saying just give it some more time, it's so good when we're together and I don't want to give up on that. I know it's dumb

Well you always have the option to keep having fun with him while you look for something more permanent. You've already had sex so might as well keep having fun with Mr Wrong while you keep looking for Mr Right.

ZaphodDent · 24/12/2022 17:20

@Choconut that's not going to work if she's caught feelings for him and is hoping for more.

category12 · 24/12/2022 17:25

Dump him, he has played you a bit, pretending he wanted more and then dropping this "dating around" bollocks.

Value yourself. If you stick around from crumbs, it'll be all you get.

RubiesandRose · 24/12/2022 17:29

Tell him, calmly and honestly that you're looking for more than he has to offer, wish him the best and then walk away.

He may (no guarantee), reflect, miss you and decide he genuinely can't bear to lose you and come back to you and make it clear he wants the same or he'll move on. Either way this is better than continuing with something that doesn't make you happy hoping he will have some sort of epiphany !

AnyFucker · 24/12/2022 17:38

I know it's dumb

Yep

benicewarrior · 24/12/2022 17:45

Some people give bullshit answers like this as they don’t want to hurt the other person with the truth. So you have to look at actions.

If he wanted to commit to you and only you he would. He hasn’t. He is daytimg around. Because THAT is what he wants.

I have also found with men who wanted to be with me badly I never felt the need the the “what are we?” conversation. I just ‘knew’ and felt secure and they started calling me their girlfriend without any conversation.

It’s not you it’s him. All the best to you 💐

1980sfookup · 24/12/2022 18:10

I'm obviously very old fashioned but when I was dating (35 years ago) you were either "going out" with someone or your weren't. No "what are we" conversations needed. If you have to ask the question and all that ...

Greenfairydust · 24/12/2022 18:24

it doesn't matter what he wants or doesn't want...

You know what you want: a monogamous boyfriend who sees you as a long term partner.

So it is obvious he is not the guy for you. Dump him and move on.

PeaceJoySleep · 24/12/2022 19:47

Echoing all of the other posters. I'll bet he's happy to keep doing what you're doing, promising you nothing, eroding your confidence.

End it quickly saying you're not on the same page.

Don't as you say yourself be dumb. I've been dumb and it will erode you which makes you less confident in the n3xt relationship. Vicious cycle.

pictish · 24/12/2022 19:55

Jdhsushxv · 24/12/2022 11:34

I was quite upfront that I wasn't looking for something casual, that whilst I wasn't looking to rush anything I wanted a relationship. He said he wanted that also, so I thought we were on the same page so this is a bit of a shock tbh.
I know I need to just cut it off but there's that stupid voice in the back of my head saying just give it some more time, it's so good when we're together and I don't want to give up on that. I know it's dumb

If he was going to fall for you it would have happened by now. It's not potential you're hanging onto, it's hope. Not the same thing.

Jumbocoffee · 24/12/2022 20:36

Dump him.

Giving him more times, means less time on finding someone who is looking for what you want.

Mumofnarnia · 24/12/2022 21:07

Take this from someone who has dealt with a man with ‘commitment issues’. The huge majority of them are emotionally unavailable and once you start to push them for exclusivity they back away and then run off. People like this are very manipulative during the first 3-6 months and will tell you all the words you want to hear - just like he has done by telling you that he was also wanting a relationship rather than casual dating. He will never commit to you, he just wants to keep stringing you along for a shag. He will no doubt be sleeping with all the others he’s dating too.
The best thing you can do with him is to either get rid of him and tell him very clearly that you are explained in the very beginning that you were looking for a relationship and that what he’s told you yesterday just isn’t good enough… or carry on seeing him but also date other men too. Show him he’s not as important as he likes to think he his whilst he’s keeping you pining over him!

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