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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't know what he wants

53 replies

Jdhsushxv · 24/12/2022 11:21

Been dating a guy for a few months, things I thought were going really well.
We laugh all the time, have a great time when we're together, have great sex. Honestly seemed perfect.

we hadn't had the what are we talk yet but I felt it was coming.

we met up yesterday, and we both had a few drinks and ended up having the conversation. Turns out he's still dating around, he doesn't know what he wants, has commitment issues and doesn't want anything serious / long term rn.

I'm sad and feel stupid like I made us into more than what we were in my head. He says he's happy to keep doing what we're doing but I feel like after a few months he should know if he wants me or not

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 24/12/2022 11:23

He does know what he wants. He wants to keep screwing you and also keep his options open. He wants to have a nice time with you and have sex and companionship with zero longer term commitment. He’s literally told you that.

This is clearly not what you also want so end it.

UPHO · 24/12/2022 11:24

It's normal to feel sad but don't waste time on guys who don't know what they want and have that conversation sober and early on. Hug x

BeverlyHa · 24/12/2022 11:27

When I decided I date to find a husband, I said it on every first date. I had only two dates, both men said yes to me, I'm married with the second and this is 10 years later. I didn't want anyone using me sexually or a past time woman. May be tough love here, but I value myself.

Just tell a man what your goal is with him from day 1. I am foreign and I had to do it this way in order to have security. May be English ladies wait for this amazing mome t a ring to appear in her drink but we foreign usually don't wait that long, because time is running fast.

ManAboutTown · 24/12/2022 11:29

He does know what he wants - to have his cake and eat it

AnonWeeMouse · 24/12/2022 11:30

He knows exactly what he wants.
I wouldn't not be at all surprised if he's dropped little comments here and there to lead you along to think you were more. Even the fact you've only just found out he's still "Dating" others tells us he's hiding things from you to keep you on the hook.

And "dating" around... Let's be honest, he's shagging about. There's likely several others in your position right now that he's lead along.
Probably some alpha douche bag Mr wonderful that sees women as masturbation aids and tells them all the things they want to hear.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 24/12/2022 11:31

BeverlyHa · 24/12/2022 11:27

When I decided I date to find a husband, I said it on every first date. I had only two dates, both men said yes to me, I'm married with the second and this is 10 years later. I didn't want anyone using me sexually or a past time woman. May be tough love here, but I value myself.

Just tell a man what your goal is with him from day 1. I am foreign and I had to do it this way in order to have security. May be English ladies wait for this amazing mome t a ring to appear in her drink but we foreign usually don't wait that long, because time is running fast.

My Polish friend did this too. She's now a single mum to a 10 and 8 year old and has been for a few years!

Original poster
Jdhsushxv · 24/12/2022 11:34

I was quite upfront that I wasn't looking for something casual, that whilst I wasn't looking to rush anything I wanted a relationship. He said he wanted that also, so I thought we were on the same page so this is a bit of a shock tbh.
I know I need to just cut it off but there's that stupid voice in the back of my head saying just give it some more time, it's so good when we're together and I don't want to give up on that. I know it's dumb

OP posts:
Mischance · 24/12/2022 11:37

He says he's happy to keep doing what we're doing - I'll bet he is!!!

End it now.

DisappearingGirl · 24/12/2022 12:00

I think that's really disrespectful to you. You said you wanted a relationship, he acted like you were in a relationship, now he says he's shagging around. I would definitely end it based on that.

In the olden days we'd have said he's a two-timing bastard. Now with internet dating we have to pretend to be okay with it because he's "keeping options open" and "not had exclusivity talk yet" etc etc. Not okay in my opinion!

yellowsmileyface · 24/12/2022 12:05

Sorry to hear this OP! We've all been there and it's absolutely gutting. You are right though, after this much time he'd know if he wants you or not. I think he's made it clear things won't progress into anything more serious, he's just framed it in a way that could keep you on his hook.

Don't feel stupid. It sounds like he let you believe you were heading somewhere serious so he's a knob. I know it's gutting right now but you deserve better than him.

Charliehaus · 24/12/2022 12:06

Society tells us that if, as women, we assert what we want in a relationship we’re needy,desperate, a bunny boiler. We are disarmed by societies stupid rules so we never have agency over our future.
Certain men play on this.
he knows full well what you want. He’s the kinda man that if you disagree and say you want commitment or marriage he’d accuse you of being unstable or desperate (which ironically is so far from it)

anyway when I decided I wanted a committed relationship and husband I would be clear about this with dates
I wouldn’t expect them to become my husband but I made it clear ..no messing about and I wouldn’t put up with it
I met my now husband and told him straight off this is the future I want and he wanted the same thing.
we obviously didn’t know if we would actually be a relationship let alone marriage but you have to start on the same page.

jollygoose · 24/12/2022 12:09

I would end it - he will either realise quickly that he wants just you after all or he can go his own way. He may well be worth giving the choice but value yourself and don`t be another notch on the bed post.

minticecreamisjustok · 24/12/2022 12:09

Sounds like he did string you along but now you know what he's really about, dump him and don't wait around in hope he might change, he won't. You'll regret wasting time on him.

Sausagelove · 24/12/2022 12:12

Cut him off. He’s lied to you hasn't he.

DatingDinosaur · 24/12/2022 12:40

He does want you.

And her.

And her.

And her as well.

You want to be exclusive with him. He’s not ready for that yet.

He’s been honest with you so it’s up to you whether you’re okay to carry on like this a bit longer to see whether you “win” over the others.

You’re both on different pages at this moment in time.

Zanatdy · 24/12/2022 12:41

I was in this situation and my advice is to back off right now, you’ll only end up hurt more down the line if you carry on as you are

AnonWeeMouse · 24/12/2022 12:43

I was quite upfront that I wasn't looking for something casual, that whilst I wasn't looking to rush anything I wanted a relationship. He said he wanted that also

He's told you want you want to hear so that you don't turn the sex tap off.
He's very likely to have told the others he's dating the exact same things.

I couldn't live with the lies, I wouldn't continue in the hopes a lying user picks me over some other woman he's mislead and lied too. Hardly a catch worth waiting around for...

NoNoKimono · 24/12/2022 12:50

Classic stuff

Unforgettablehamster · 24/12/2022 13:22

If you want commitment you won’t get it with this guy. Don’t waste your time and move on. You are a placeholder. He enjoys spending time with you until someone more suitable for him comes along and then you’ll be dumped. It’s a guaranteed recipe for heartbreak.

Opentooffers · 24/12/2022 13:25

Yep, you did all you could by asking the right questions,but he lied and hid his intentions, because otherwise you would not have given him the time of day to start with.
Unfortunately, you've met a man who's happy to lie about it and now you know the only answer is to dump him as you will never get what you want. You'd better do an sti test too, just to be safe.

Pinkbonbon · 24/12/2022 13:30

I'm not sure where I want right now - means either:

  1. I don't want you.
  1. I know exactly what I want. I want to shag you and keep my options open. But I don't want you to know that. I want you to hang about pining for me, thinking this could be something more.

Dump.

ButterflyOil · 24/12/2022 15:13

More time just means more time for him to enjoy your company, and this time with the benefit to him that’s he’s made it clear he has no intention of being exclusive and you going along with it after he’s said it plain and clear puts you firmly into casual territory. If you raise it again a few weeks down the line he’ll do the sad face and the ‘but I thought we agreed’ etc.

The only way he may ever decide to drop the others and focus only on you is if he truly misses you because you’ve said you won’t accept being part of his harem and so he understands the only way he gets you is exclusivity or nothing. Even that is a mugs game to be honest and I would not advise it.

MintJulia · 24/12/2022 15:16

ButterflyOil · 24/12/2022 11:23

He does know what he wants. He wants to keep screwing you and also keep his options open. He wants to have a nice time with you and have sex and companionship with zero longer term commitment. He’s literally told you that.

This is clearly not what you also want so end it.

This.

If this isn't what you want, move on.

Aquasulis · 24/12/2022 15:18

Jdhsushxv · 24/12/2022 11:34

I was quite upfront that I wasn't looking for something casual, that whilst I wasn't looking to rush anything I wanted a relationship. He said he wanted that also, so I thought we were on the same page so this is a bit of a shock tbh.
I know I need to just cut it off but there's that stupid voice in the back of my head saying just give it some more time, it's so good when we're together and I don't want to give up on that. I know it's dumb

Text him and just say

‘I was upfront about only wanting a serious relationship. We want different things’

end it

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/12/2022 15:20

"I was quite upfront that I wasn't looking for something casual, that whilst I wasn't looking to rush anything I wanted a relationship. He said he wanted that also, so I thought we were on the same page so this is a bit of a shock tbh."

So he lied to you to get you to sleep with him. What a shit.