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Original poster

I'm pathetic

40 replies

Loopnlou · 22/12/2022 23:29

Partner is going to visit his kids from a previous relationship for a couple of days over Christmas leaving me with our new baby for the first time alone for that long. I've got PND and the suicidal thoughts have only improved as I can give him the baby to go do chores etc when I get overwhelmed. I'm not sure how I'll cope, if I'll cope.
He hasn't asked how the suicidal thoughts are or what can be done to help me cope. I have absolutely no friends or family to help.

His kids have seen alot less of him since baby arrived and I get that it's Christmas and it's what his kids are used to but I think with everything going on seeing them for a day would have been better.

But I know single mums do this everyday and partners go away for work etc often. It's just me being pathetic.
I feel so angry, anxious and irritable with him all the time and I can't speak to him as it just sounds like I don't want him to see his kids.

He said it sounds like I feel like Cinderella, doing every thing and it not being fair or easy. I wish it was only that. I wish I could run away.

But I need to just get over it, right?
Woman up and look after the baby without complaining.

OP posts:
pastypirate · 22/12/2022 23:40

If you are having suicidal thoughts you cannot be left alone with the baby. That's really dangerous. For you I mean - I don't want to suggest I think you are a risk to baby - I mean to yourself.

grandmashotdoodlebugs · 23/12/2022 00:06

Two pieces of paper.
On one write down every emotional panic stricken thought in your head.
On the other write down every single sensible mother like, adult like, responsible reasoning in full sentences.

Put both in an envelope. Put them next to the Christmas decorations. Acknowledge yourself when you are alone.

You're gonna make this because mums do. Flowers

Cantdoitallperfectly · 23/12/2022 00:22

You are not pathetic. I think there are 2 issues here. Firstly, you have a new baby and have PND with suicidal ideation. I hope you’re getting the help you need from the HV and GP. Secondly, your partner is about to leave to go and visit/stay with his older children; this alone can be hard for the partner left behind. Blended families are hard! You can absolutely manage for a couple of days; get practical, have some meals prepped for yourself, get the house in order and pencil in a couple of relaxing things to do eg have a bath when baby naps; watch a movie and have some nice nibbles to eat, go for a big long walk if it’s sunny.

Opentooffers · 23/12/2022 02:10

Many factors in this as to if your DP is reasonable in not spending Xmas with you - doubtful. How long have you been together? Has he never spent Xmas with you? How far away do his DC's live, is it beyond commuting distance? Also, where does he stay when he goes - if at his ex's residence playing happy families for 2 days, no way sis that on.

lennolin · 23/12/2022 02:51

pastypirate · 22/12/2022 23:40

If you are having suicidal thoughts you cannot be left alone with the baby. That's really dangerous. For you I mean - I don't want to suggest I think you are a risk to baby - I mean to yourself.

@pastypirate is right . Other people can do it, but it's still a struggle that situation for any mum. But if you have had those thoughts don't even take the chance for you or your baby's safety.

MMadness · 23/12/2022 05:02

Why can't you go?

Tannedandfake · 23/12/2022 06:12

Why has he seen his children a lot less since you had the baby?
Do they live some distance away?

category12 · 23/12/2022 06:22

Have you got family you could go to while he sees his other children? I think what would make most sense is for you to be with someone for that time.

rainbowstardrops · 23/12/2022 06:43

Could the children not come and stay with you?

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 23/12/2022 06:46

Oh sweetheart you're not pathetic. I've been there and PND is so hard. You're 'supposed' to feel over the moon that you have this wonderful baby, when you're actually tired, terrified and completely overwhelmed.

My suicidal ideation was so bad that I actually made plans to take my baby with me...after all, I couldn't possibly leave him behind. Obviously it never came to anything and he's a very opinionated near-teenager now!

Have you spoken to your GP or HV about how you're feeling?

LaLuz7 · 23/12/2022 06:47

rainbowstardrops · 23/12/2022 06:43

Could the children not come and stay with you?

This is what i was thinking in practical terms.

Can they not come over? Can OP not tag along?

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 06:48

Where will he be staying?

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 06:49

Why have his kids seen a lot less of him since the new baby arrived?

LoekMa · 23/12/2022 07:18

rainbowstardrops · 23/12/2022 06:43

Could the children not come and stay with you?

With a new born baby. OP should host more kids in her house.

Youve got to be taking the pss

nancydroo · 23/12/2022 07:21

You must find your voice and tell him. A good father would want to know so you can problem solve it together

rainbowstardrops · 23/12/2022 07:22

Why would the OP need to host them? Their father would be there and is presumably capable?

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 07:23

LoekMa · 23/12/2022 07:18

With a new born baby. OP should host more kids in her house.

Youve got to be taking the pss

Show quote history

Why would the OP be “hosting” other children?

Surely it’s just her DP’s children coming over on his agreed weekends/week nights?

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 07:23

And so the DP parents them

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 07:24

I am intrigued why he has seen less of his children since his baby with a new partner arrived

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 07:24

Actually seen “a lot less of him”

why?

Blackeyesbluetears · 23/12/2022 07:31

Surely he's seem them less because she's been suicidal?

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 07:36

Blackeyesbluetears · 23/12/2022 07:31

Surely he's seem them less because she's been suicidal?

As a parent, you don’t get to make that call though. You have to be a parent and a supportive parent.

you can’t just stop seeing your children whilst you support your partner

and if the OP is suicidal, she needs medical intervention. If she went to a GP and said this, support would be swiftly put in to place

orbitalcrisis · 23/12/2022 07:42

Can they come to you? Can you go with him? Can he take the baby with him? You're not pathetic, you're not well, this is no time to be left alone with the baby.

Unicorn717 · 23/12/2022 07:46

Can you all go? Or can he take the baby for the couple of days to give you a break? Do the kids ever visit you? I'm guessing they're going to want to see their new sibling?

It's not fair for you to be left alone when you're struggling but it's not fair on the other kids to not see their dad as much because he has a new family now too.

I hope you're getting help with how you're feeling.

flowertoday · 23/12/2022 08:02

So sorry you are going through this- PND are awful.

You are not pathetic at all. Are you accessing any support for your mental health? Do you have any other relatives or friends who could visit you / you visit them when your partner is away.
I can relate to that feeling of needing to get a break and do something else - even housework can have appeal compared to a crying or unsettled baby. I used to find going for a walk with the pram / baby in a sling helpful as babies tend to sleep. They are still with you but the fresh air and exercise gives some space to think and feel a bit more human.
Big hugs to you , you can get through this. 💐