Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We are all poorly, my mum is really upset

64 replies

Unhappymumma · 22/12/2022 16:21

So us, as many other families at the moment have this god awful virus that's going round. It's not covid, it's 10x worse than covid 😡

Anyway, I started with it first, then husband, now my 8 year old is, only my son left so far. We were due to be hosting both sets of parents on Xmas day.

I have felt so unbelievably poorly this past week, today is the first day I've got dressed & come downstairs but I'm struggling now at 4pm. Xmas is the last thing on my mind. The kids presents are already sorted and we'd had a food shop delivered so we are OK on that front. Had to cancel plans unfortunately.

Told my mum the situation and that we may not be able to host. She is extremely upset.

Background to this, my first 27 Christmas days were dominated by my dad going to the pub Xmas day afternoon, coming home in time for Xmas Dinner, drunk, aggressive, argumentative, swearing, slurring etc. It was always a horrible day for me & I was so angry with then both.

When I had kids I swore I would never let this happen and they would never see this. So our previous 11 Christmases have been wonderful. My parents started to come here & my dad didn't drink so it was all great.

She says now he will go to the pub, so she will be alone on Xmas day and then have that to deal with when he gets in. I feel desperately sorry for her, I do. But I just don't have to headspace for it right now. I've got so much to deal with here!! She allowed this to happen for god knows how many years & she relys solely on me (an only child) to be her emotional outlet and in her words, the grandkids are the only things keeping her alive.

I feel really heartless but I just can't carry her mental load aswell at the moment. We've had a terrible year anyway as my husband had a psychotic breakdown. I just want this bloody year to be over!

OP posts:
growgrowinggrown · 22/12/2022 16:34

Are you still having Xmas at your place for your husband and children or are you planning on canceling the dinner and just having a lounge around day?

I know families are all different but this wouldnt be a bother in my house. I'd still have everyone round, pyjamas or not, mum would crack on and help with Xmas Dinner and we'd all do our own thing but together.

I guess is depends on the overall relationship to begin with.

If you're still cooking a full dinner and have all the presents sorted then I'd suck it up tbh.

jtaeapa · 22/12/2022 16:40

She's going to have to accept that you are ill.

She is being a bit dramatic I think - Christmas Day is just a day. She just needs to get on with her own life if he goes to the pub. After all, she has actively chosen to stay with him. She isn't a 5yo waiting for father christmas to come - she can just spent the day how she wants to. You shouldn't feel guilty.

GoldenCagedBird · 22/12/2022 16:43

growgrowinggrown · 22/12/2022 16:34

Are you still having Xmas at your place for your husband and children or are you planning on canceling the dinner and just having a lounge around day?

I know families are all different but this wouldnt be a bother in my house. I'd still have everyone round, pyjamas or not, mum would crack on and help with Xmas Dinner and we'd all do our own thing but together.

I guess is depends on the overall relationship to begin with.

If you're still cooking a full dinner and have all the presents sorted then I'd suck it up tbh.

I agree, this would be a complete non issue for me.

my mum and dad would step up and help with dinner, I’d wear a pair of pyjamas with some reindeer antlers and just make the best of it, go to bed early if I needed to, etc.

i would still invite them but making it clear that you will not be doing any marvellous hosting, you are ill and they need to help

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 22/12/2022 16:44

@Unhappymumma

I have the exact same virus and am also on antibiotics for a chest and ear infection to top it off.

I've had to cancel the last two days of work (self employed so not ideal) and the last thing on my mind is Xmas to be honest.

Not Xmas hosting but I've had to pull out of a big family meal out this evening as I feel so rough and need to try and work abit tomorrow to at least re coupe a bit of money.

Well it's not gone down well has it Confused

It gets arranged for this week every year even though I say it's my busiest week of work in the whole year etc etc.

I've had to put my foot down and say I'm not attending more than once in the last two days.

I e got a mountain of washing to do,a fresh food shop to do and a house to clean and work tomorrow before in laws come over Xmas eve morning and then we have a planned outing in the afternoon

I'm just wiped out and really feeling low.

I'm changing my boundaries for next year

SummerHouse · 22/12/2022 16:46

That's a lot of stuff she is putting on you. And to do so while you are ill, pretty shit really. I think you have to accept she is upset but that's her problem. Your Dad my go off and get drunk but that's his problem. You are not responsible for their feelings and actions. You feel unable to host and that's that. God, Christmas is a fecking nightmare isn't it!

Ibouncetothebeat · 22/12/2022 16:47

I think I would want to protect my mother from that. I would invite her over and tell her I’m still not well so it won’t be big. Or invite her for a “left over Chinese in our PJs” type of day. Or she is welcome to come and help me cook dinner. Whatever my day looked like I would invite her to join in with it.

PaleGreenFrontDoor · 22/12/2022 16:51

Ibouncetothebeat · 22/12/2022 16:47

I think I would want to protect my mother from that. I would invite her over and tell her I’m still not well so it won’t be big. Or invite her for a “left over Chinese in our PJs” type of day. Or she is welcome to come and help me cook dinner. Whatever my day looked like I would invite her to join in with it.

Even though OP's mother didn't protect her from it when she was a child?

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 22/12/2022 16:54

It's her life and her choices. Literally draw a line. Her concern should be for you and your health.

Timeforachangeisitnot · 22/12/2022 16:55

Honestly, you and your DH sound like you have had a tough year and are definitely not at your best with this bug.
Put yourselves first and tell her it’s tough, but that’s life. Sorry and all that, but you will see her when everyone is well again.
Does she want to catch it too ?

TrentCrimm · 22/12/2022 16:57

It's a shame she's upset but unfortunately that's how it is this year. There will be other years where you can all celebrate and enjoy - it's just not this year.

She'll get over it.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 22/12/2022 17:00

Wow! She sounds as selfish as your dad! It’s not your place to now protect her from him, it’s not as if she bothered to protect you. She’s not bothered about you being poorly, either. What a selfish woman. I wouldn’t want her at my house at Christmas at all after that childhood, and especially never again now.

EmmaDilemma5 · 22/12/2022 17:00

Is she willing to come round and risk catching it and ok for it to be low key if people still feel unwell? If so, I wouldn't be cancelling the invite.

Yes, she didn't protect you when you were young, but its never simple. I assume she didn't enjoy having your drunken dad around. She must have felt trapped. That doesn't make it acceptable, but understandable?

Anyway, that's in the past. What matters now is this Christmas. If the adults at least feel ok then I can't see the issue of them coming round. Kids can watch a film while you and your parents cook, chat, chill. If need be, tell them you'll need to end the day at 4/5pm.

mondaytosunday · 22/12/2022 17:01

Christmas is three days away and you may feel a lot better - and she's your mother it's not like you need to entertain her as such. I'd still let her come and anyone still in the throes of it can stay in bed.

Original poster
Unhappymumma · 22/12/2022 17:02

We cannot host because we are far too poorly at the moment. Plus I don't want to give it to them. My mum would probably end up with pneumonia or something has she has lung problems.

OP posts:
ChristmasMovieMarathon · 22/12/2022 17:06

Her relationship with her husband isn’t for you to manage and make ok. You need to focus on you, your husband and children. It sounds like she’s enabled him for years to everyone’s detriment. Support her if she ever leaves him, other than that, put your life and health first.

She didn’t sorry about you enough as a child to change things, I’d have little to zero sympathy for her now. She’s being extremely selfish.

LongLiveGoblingKing · 22/12/2022 17:06

Do you have the sort of relationship with your dad where you can give him a ring and ask him not to go to the pub? Would he comply?

creamwitheverything · 22/12/2022 17:06

OP please just take care of you. No one planned to be ill it is what it is and there is nothing you can do about it. Your mum made her choices and this level of emotional blackmail is really all it is. Dont go there. She is being very unreasonable and selfish and thats not down to you. How dare she put it all on you.? .the problem is with her and your dad,You are ill and that is that,please dont feel bad.

ChristmasMovieMarathon · 22/12/2022 17:07

She didn’t FEEL sorry....

Barwickunited · 22/12/2022 17:25

I’ve got a toxic family op. And everytime something like this happens I ask myself what a normal family would do. A normal family would cook and bring it to you and not stay too long/leave it at the door. Before you feel guilty ask yourself what normal people do?

Itsokay2020 · 22/12/2022 17:25

OP, I have had the awful virus for 18 days (and counting) and only starting to feel a little more human! It’s awful and you must put yourself first, I felt really low with it too and had no energy for anything. Antibiotics for a chest infection have helped, but the cough/sore throat/loss of voice/sore teeth/exhaustion/nausea has taken its toll on me. Rest, rest and rest, it’s all you can do 💐

diddl · 22/12/2022 17:27

It is three days until Christmas but surely telling her now gives her chance to get some food in if necessary.

Maybe decide that you'll all have Christmas lunch together after CD when it suits?

gogohmm · 22/12/2022 17:30

I've been down with it for 2.5 weeks so well on the mend, unfortunately the very day I started to cough (no sign before) I saw my parents for the first time in 2 months so they both have it, 10 days in just starting to improve, dp has it medium but being a man ... both dd and dsd much worse on antibiotics but we will pull together for Christmas, mum normally cooks but I will as I'm in the best health position (and feeling guilty for giving it to everyone) if they all want to wear pj's so be it. You don't need to cancel, just scale it down

Inkpotlover · 22/12/2022 17:32

Unhappymumma · 22/12/2022 17:02

We cannot host because we are far too poorly at the moment. Plus I don't want to give it to them. My mum would probably end up with pneumonia or something has she has lung problems.

When I got it a few weeks ago mine did turn into pneumonia, so you are right to be cautious. It's sad your DM might be left alone because of your dad, but she's enabled his behaviour for decades so that's on her. She's being incredibly selfish expecting you to put her before yourself and your family when you are so ill. And I know how bad you must be feeling – I've never felt so ill in my life as I did when I had it.

tribpot · 22/12/2022 17:33

It's a shame, but these are the choices she has made. She could speak to your dad herself and ask him not to go to the pub, she could go away for the day (as certainly a Christmas on her own would be preferable to what you endured for so long). But you can't solve this for her. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Wibbly1008 · 22/12/2022 17:34

I would cancel. You are sick. The family is sick. You don’t want everyone round when you are feeling rough and may need to crash out in bed at any point. Why should you be the sticking plaster for their dysfunctional relationship? It would be a no from me, and she would be told that if she creates j won’t do Christmas next year either. You are Ill for goodness sake, where is her compassion for you?