We are all poorly, my mum is really upset

[Unhappymumma]

So us, as many other families at the moment have this god awful virus that's going round. It's not covid, it's 10x worse than covid 😡

Anyway, I started with it first, then husband, now my 8 year old is, only my son left so far. We were due to be hosting both sets of parents on Xmas day.

I have felt so unbelievably poorly this past week, today is the first day I've got dressed & come downstairs but I'm struggling now at 4pm. Xmas is the last thing on my mind. The kids presents are already sorted and we'd had a food shop delivered so we are OK on that front. Had to cancel plans unfortunately.

Told my mum the situation and that we may not be able to host. She is extremely upset.

Background to this, my first 27 Christmas days were dominated by my dad going to the pub Xmas day afternoon, coming home in time for Xmas Dinner, drunk, aggressive, argumentative, swearing, slurring etc. It was always a horrible day for me & I was so angry with then both.

When I had kids I swore I would never let this happen and they would never see this. So our previous 11 Christmases have been wonderful. My parents started to come here & my dad didn't drink so it was all great.

She says now he will go to the pub, so she will be alone on Xmas day and then have that to deal with when he gets in. I feel desperately sorry for her, I do. But I just don't have to headspace for it right now. I've got so much to deal with here!! She allowed this to happen for god knows how many years & she relys solely on me (an only child) to be her emotional outlet and in her words, the grandkids are the only things keeping her alive.

I feel really heartless but I just can't carry her mental load aswell at the moment. We've had a terrible year anyway as my husband had a psychotic breakdown. I just want this bloody year to be over!

You are not responsible for your dad's behaviour. If you are not well enough you are not well enough. Why can't they host you? Why can't they cook sbd bring it all.to.u? Put yourself first

Its not your mother's faulty. Thats an awful thing to think. Keep the invite open and ask them to come but that you will need help with the cooking etc.

Cancel. You're not responsible for giving your mum a good Christmas away from her husband ffs! Prioritise your own family, your parents have made their choices.

We have had the same virus here - it’s evil and my kids rarely get Ill. I would be more concerned about passing the germs on to the older generation and don’t think you are being at all unreasonable

My DH has got this and is also on antibiotics for a chest infection. We were going, as we usually do to my DD, but we've had to drop out. He has had this since last Sunday and still feels dreadful. I think your mother should accept that you're not up to hosting, and quite frankly have some sympathy for you and your family and stop being so selfish.

She's not asking to still come. Shes the one that doesnt want to come. They never come anywhere near when we are ill. Never had help from them before and they've never looked after our kids etc if they were ill. She doesn't want to catch the virus and neither does my dad.
She's just wallowing now and getting upset because obviously her Xmas day will now look different than she expected but it's not like I've done it on purpose.
She keeps saying, why do things keep going wrong for me /her. During this past year she has had absolutely nothing go wrong at all. They've both been in quite good health and live a lovely life.
Our family on the other hand have had the most terrible year, our family has nearly been destroyed by my husbands breakdown and many other things that have happened. She can only seem to focus on herself!

This.

Frankly your mother has a Bloody cheek, after putting the family through 27 god awful Christmases.

Ffs, she's being completely unreasonable and selfish. You and your family are ill, she just needs to suck it up for one year. All those posters saying to have her round and wear pyjamas etc are being ridiculous; if you're ill you're ill and the last thing you want is a house full

That is what struck me too. She's only bothered about herself, not about you being ill. "She says now he will go to the pub, so she will be alone on Xmas day and then have that to deal with when he gets in. I feel desperately sorry for her, I do." Lovely, her instant reaction to you telling her you're really ill is to lay a guilt trip on you - and for you to feel guilty!

"She can only seem to focus on herself!"
Yes! Exactly! Keep that in mind, along with "She allowed this to happen for god knows how many years" to fight off her guilt-tripping. You have a lot on your plate right now, and you frankly need to conserve your emotional energy instead of wasting it on soothing her.

I'd be telling her that her reaction to your illness has quite shocked you in its self-absorption, and it would probably be best if she made other arrangements for next Christmas too.

It’s not your responsibility OP. She’s just being pushy and unreasonable. Stick to your guns.

It's a few days until Christmas so there's a good chance you'll be much on the mend by then. I'd still invite her over with the caveat that I may be on the sofa in my PJs all day, and not cooking dinner an playing charades. Also there is plauge on the house and the risk is hers.

Your parents are both selfish. Your Dad for his drunken behaviour and your Mum for enabling it. They both ruined your Christmases as a child and you owe them both absolutely fuck all now.

I had a very similar childhood. Christmas for me as a child was always terrible.

I hope you feel better soon but seriously stop feeling sorry for your Mum. She’s as much to blame as your Dad is.

Agree with her being as selfish as her DH with her guilt trip.

No regard for you at all.
She's the one who has tolerated the drunk all the years.
She can tell him not to come home or she can stay at a hotel.

Gosh it's ridiculous that you even have to worry about this. Surely it's on your dad to not be such a prick!!!! This is not your responsibility at all! You're sick - you have to cancel - that's it. You're not responsible for your dad's horribleness

Then what's the point of this thread? She doesn't want to come now so are you asking if YABU for not having sympathy that she's upset she can't come?

Anyone would feel sad to have their Christmas plans changed, of course. Not really sure what else to say?

I don't understand why she puts all the guilt on you. If it was my child, I'd say oh thats OK, don't worry please tell me if you need anything dropping off etc . Why do patents do this??

I've had/got this virus and it's floored me completely. lnto the second week now and l still feel horrendous.
Your mum's being ridiculous, being 'upset' over something you have no control over. You can't be bothered with yourself with this bug, never mind hosting Christmas Day. It's not like you've announced you're going off to a hotel somewhere in the wilds and leaving her to it. You're going to be at home, feeling crap, trying to make a decent day for your kids.
I was meant to be going to my best friend in London, having Christmas with other people for the first time in over 20 years. I've cancelled, because l don't feel well enough to travel or socialise, and also because l don't want to pass it on to her family, or spoil their Christmas by being ill.
It's ONE day. What would she expect if you were hospitalised?

Boo hoo for her.
Put the phone down next time she starts wallowing. Tell her you're too ill to talk.
It's not your job to rescue your DM. If she thought it was that bad all these years she had the option of leaving.

She sounds a lot like my mum who I’ve realised is a narcissist as she only sees/cares about how things affect her. She’d be exactly the same and not be worried about us and the kids, only her not getting the day she wanted. She also says she only lives for her grandchildren and complains constantly about my dad who she’s been married to for 50 years. I’ve tried to learn to ignore her, otherwise as you say it the mental stress is too much.
I hope you all feel better soon.

Meh, your mum didn’t protect your Christmas for 27 years.

Your mum enabled your dads behaviour which resulted in a shit Christmas for you for 27 years.

She’ll have to suck it up this year, I would simply put the phone down on her whining every time she starts.

If she has lung problems she shouldn’t come anywhere near a household full of sick people! Especially with NHS strikes on. You have to tell her to stay away, for everyone’s sake.

I would leave her wallow. It’s funny because older people often say that the younger generation are entitled, but I know so many more people with drama Queen/king entitled adults in the family. I know we have one who has also kicked off because me, DH and DC have dared to be I’ll and can’t see her. Didn’t even say she hoped we were better soon, but apparently we are selfish!

Yeah, fantastic idea. Give this AWFUL virus to both sets of grand parents. Brilliant. 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

@Unhappymumma I'm sorry you're all so unwell, it's bloody horrible!

Does your Dad acknowledge what a shithead he was when you were young? As a teen/adult? Or has it just been ignored & glossed over?

would it work if you rang him & told him that if he goes to the pub on Christmas Day, that's it. He'll not spend another Christmas Day with you & the kids, or you'll go entirely NC?

Yes, your mum has 'let' this go on for years, but women in abusive relationships often do. Especially in previous generations.

inhope you all start to get much better. You're doing the right thing cancelling! You really don't want to be passing that shitty virus onto both sets of parents!!

nor do you need the hassle!!

I’ve got the awful cold ( according to my Dr it’s a virus and I need to rest 🙀helpful )
it’s also DH big birthday tomorrow and the 2 grown up DC are coming back for 10 days or so
we normally go and see the inlaws on Christmas morning , but if I’m still feeling this bad I’ll stay here and let the other 3 go

your mother is making her own decision not to come to yours

your father is old enough to make the decision not to get rat arsed at the pub

you need to think about yourself and your family , the priority is to get better , it won’t be the usual jolly family Christmas , just to have the best Christmas that you can this year

I’m on week 4 of this bloody virus and just starting to feel human again, so OP’s household may not be free of it in 4 days. My elderly DM, who is meant to be coming to us for Xmas, has got food in, just in case we are not well enough to host. I do not want to pass this to her. She has not complained, even though might mean she is on her own on the day. In her words , it is just one day and we can celebrate another time. Offered to do my ironing! That is what your mum should be like. No words for the way your dad behaved in your childhood