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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We are all poorly, my mum is really upset

64 replies

Unhappymumma · 22/12/2022 16:21

So us, as many other families at the moment have this god awful virus that's going round. It's not covid, it's 10x worse than covid 😡

Anyway, I started with it first, then husband, now my 8 year old is, only my son left so far. We were due to be hosting both sets of parents on Xmas day.

I have felt so unbelievably poorly this past week, today is the first day I've got dressed & come downstairs but I'm struggling now at 4pm. Xmas is the last thing on my mind. The kids presents are already sorted and we'd had a food shop delivered so we are OK on that front. Had to cancel plans unfortunately.

Told my mum the situation and that we may not be able to host. She is extremely upset.

Background to this, my first 27 Christmas days were dominated by my dad going to the pub Xmas day afternoon, coming home in time for Xmas Dinner, drunk, aggressive, argumentative, swearing, slurring etc. It was always a horrible day for me & I was so angry with then both.

When I had kids I swore I would never let this happen and they would never see this. So our previous 11 Christmases have been wonderful. My parents started to come here & my dad didn't drink so it was all great.

She says now he will go to the pub, so she will be alone on Xmas day and then have that to deal with when he gets in. I feel desperately sorry for her, I do. But I just don't have to headspace for it right now. I've got so much to deal with here!! She allowed this to happen for god knows how many years & she relys solely on me (an only child) to be her emotional outlet and in her words, the grandkids are the only things keeping her alive.

I feel really heartless but I just can't carry her mental load aswell at the moment. We've had a terrible year anyway as my husband had a psychotic breakdown. I just want this bloody year to be over!

OP posts:

Yippitydoodah · 22/12/2022 19:06

creamwitheverything · 22/12/2022 17:06

OP please just take care of you. No one planned to be ill it is what it is and there is nothing you can do about it. Your mum made her choices and this level of emotional blackmail is really all it is. Dont go there. She is being very unreasonable and selfish and thats not down to you. How dare she put it all on you.? .the problem is with her and your dad,You are ill and that is that,please dont feel bad.

100%

Minimalme · 22/12/2022 19:19

She is telling you it's your fault if your Dad goes out, gets pissed and verbally abuses her.

It's not. She chose to marry and stay with a man who made your life miserable.

She's lucky you still regard her as a Mother.

Allsnotwell · 22/12/2022 19:35

Christmas Day alone sounds lush!

Like others have said she has time to arrange something herself - she can go to a friends and stay over - or go to bed early!

Don’t fret about her Christmas she didn’t get about yours.

billy1966 · 22/12/2022 19:38

You poor woman.

An aggressive drunk for a father and a really selfish mother.

The irony.

27 years of misery and she is still going on about herself.

Don't give her another thought, people like her are always fine.

I read she gives little support to you during the year despite how difficult things are for you.

Your children desperately need you to mind YOU.

Forget about your parents.

You owe them nothing.

I really hope you feel better soon and 2023 is a much better year for you and your family.

CPL593H · 22/12/2022 19:43

Unhappymumma · 22/12/2022 17:51

She's not asking to still come. Shes the one that doesnt want to come. They never come anywhere near when we are ill. Never had help from them before and they've never looked after our kids etc if they were ill. She doesn't want to catch the virus and neither does my dad.
She's just wallowing now and getting upset because obviously her Xmas day will now look different than she expected but it's not like I've done it on purpose.
She keeps saying, why do things keep going wrong for me /her. During this past year she has had absolutely nothing go wrong at all. They've both been in quite good health and live a lovely life.
Our family on the other hand have had the most terrible year, our family has nearly been destroyed by my husbands breakdown and many other things that have happened. She can only seem to focus on herself!

Your mother sounds like an extremely self centred woman. I think on this occasion especially you put your (ill) self and (ill) family first and try to forget about her. She will be with the man she has chosen to spend her life with and it is a choice, this is 2022 not 1822 or even 1922, when women could effectively be really trapped.

I hope you all feel better soon.

herbaltea21 · 22/12/2022 20:22

Ibouncetothebeat · 22/12/2022 16:47

I think I would want to protect my mother from that. I would invite her over and tell her I’m still not well so it won’t be big. Or invite her for a “left over Chinese in our PJs” type of day. Or she is welcome to come and help me cook dinner. Whatever my day looked like I would invite her to join in with it.

I agree with this.
If your mym is worried about catching whatever it is then she can decide to not go round.
Some people find loneliness at Christmas extremely difficult. It sounds like your mum has some trauma from your dads behaviour on Christmas too.
Why don't you just chat to her about doing something more low key? 🤷🏼‍♀️

DisappearingGirl · 22/12/2022 21:15

Could you "postpone" Christmas to (say) 2 or 3 weeks time and have them over then? Have a nice meal and exchange presents etc?

toomuchlaundry · 22/12/2022 22:07

Have you read the OP saying it is her mum who doesn’t want to come?

pimlicoanna · 22/12/2022 22:11

Well it is unfortunate but she needs to grow up. It's just one of those things.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/12/2022 22:15

Barwickunited · 22/12/2022 17:25

I’ve got a toxic family op. And everytime something like this happens I ask myself what a normal family would do. A normal family would cook and bring it to you and not stay too long/leave it at the door. Before you feel guilty ask yourself what normal people do?

I was just thinking that. Why wouldn't she cook it and bring it to your house and serve it up and then go home? That's what I would do for my sick child.

Original poster

Unhappymumma · 23/12/2022 17:15

Thanks for the comments. Only just managed to get back on to read them as been completely out of it in bed. Husband is even worse than me now.

I have spoken to all family members and we are going to have a second Xmas day one day next if we are better (minus the presents obviously)

OP posts:

MrsKeats · 23/12/2022 18:19

It's been your mother's choice to put up with your dad's behaviour.
If you are all poorly then obviously you cancel.

justasking111 · 23/12/2022 18:29

When son worked offshore six weeks on, six weeks off. We had Christmas on the 6th January one year, the works I left the decorations up, full Christmas dinner, Xmas music. It was lovely because he was home. We even exchanged presents. His little brother thought it was the best

justasking111 · 23/12/2022 18:31

@Unhappymumma you can relax now and will get better sooner. A Christmas day to remember

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