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Original poster

"When you know, you know" with regards love

61 replies

piddocktrumperiness · 22/12/2022 06:43

Is this and has this always been true for you?

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/12/2022 07:00

It's rarely true for anyone. Most people approach love and relationships with a mixture of haphazard 'right place right time', unwarranted optimism and projection. Most people who 'know' will end up separated or divorced statistically speaking and most people who 'know' early on live to change their minds.

humans like to believe that falling in love is a higher spiritual process but it's a combination of sexual and emotional needs being met in a way that depends hugely on each partner's emotional functioning and relationship history, including from childhood.

BibiThree · 22/12/2022 07:05

It was for us. Met DH at 16 and it was game over. I just knew he was going to be in my life forever. We got together when I was 18 and are still together now I'm 43.

Watchkeys · 22/12/2022 07:10

When you know, you know, but also, when you don't know, you think you know as well, so, without hindsight, it's impossible to distinguish.

FahridaFaraho · 22/12/2022 07:12

I was actually thinking about this a few days ago, I don't know where I saw or heard this but it was a man who said as soon as he saw her he knew he was going to marry her.

For me, it never turned out like that.
With my DH we started out as friends and the attraction and connection steadily grew. There was initial physical attraction but it wasn't like: he/she is the one. I didn't get the intense butterflies and gut wrenching nerves around him like I used to around a crush who then became my first boyfriend. I was in my teenage mind thinking he was the one, my soulmate. He was a cheating wanker who never loved me back and broke my heart. I found out a few years ago that he passed away and I didn't feel sad about it. It was like hearing about a stranger passing away and I am normally a sentimental person. So goes to show how intense he is the one feelings aren't true for me, however I wouldn't discredit or disbelieve someone who believes this.

GreenManalishi · 22/12/2022 07:14

All I know is that when it comes to love, I know nothing 😂

Newnamenewname109870 · 22/12/2022 07:15

Only in that sense that when you’re with that person, it’s easy. You don’t constantly wonder.

Watchkeys · 22/12/2022 07:19

Newnamenewname109870 · 22/12/2022 07:15

Only in that sense that when you’re with that person, it’s easy. You don’t constantly wonder.

Yes, quite. OP, if you're wondering about whether you know, currently, then you don't know. If you did, you wouldn't be asking the question. There are no questions when you're with a compatible partner. It's just 'yes'.

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 22/12/2022 08:01

@Watchkeys I can understand that, but would that also be the case if there was lots of trauma from past relationships? I have always had varying degrees of anxiety in all my relationships, some of these relationships became abusive and that tainted the ability to just know, you know?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 22/12/2022 08:05

I'm sure some people have been fortunate enough to 'know' and not end up with a dud...but given how many people can keep a facade of good behaviour until they get their feet under the table, I think it's a whimsical notion.

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 22/12/2022 08:06

@Newnamenewname109870 I get that too- but what about the externals of it? So for example, feeling like it's easy with the person themselves, but having some anxiety over their familial relationships, children and friendships?
Should you factor how you feel you fit in with their families and friends as a sign of compatibility or just look at the person themselves?

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 22/12/2022 08:07

I think it’s very true. What you need to know is that this doesn’t guarantee it’ll last/go the distance. Life has a way of interfering with our best intentions.

My greatest love was also one of my shortest. I definitely ‘knew’ he was special. We connected deeply, deeper than anyone I’d ever had a relationship with before (and since).

SaveMeCheezus · 22/12/2022 08:09

With DH when I knew, I knew (and I knew around week 3).

With my former DH, if I'm honest, I knew that I DIDN'T know, but ploughed ahead anyway because that's what you do when you're 30 and have been together 5 years.

SaveMeCheezus · 22/12/2022 08:11

And I agree with the above PP that I knew with DH because it's easy.

There was never any games, there's no drama, there's hardly any disagreement on any subject, and when there is we talk to work it out.

I've never had a relationship like this before.

Watchkeys · 22/12/2022 08:16

piddocktrumperiness · 22/12/2022 08:01

@Watchkeys I can understand that, but would that also be the case if there was lots of trauma from past relationships? I have always had varying degrees of anxiety in all my relationships, some of these relationships became abusive and that tainted the ability to just know, you know?

Nobody 'just knows'. You have to rely on your feelings. You only stay in relationships that feel continually good.

It sounds like you've been putting up with anxiety because you feel like there are some 'rules' about what you 'should' do, and you feel that you 'should' have a relationship, even if it feels uncomfortable in some way or other. If relationships make you feel anxious, don't have one. Anxiety comes from dismissing your own feelings (aka 'not having your own back'), so if you're dismissing your anxiety, that's compounding the problem.

Whether you should stay in a relationship when your partner is great but their family isn't is a question you can only answer for yourself, like 'should I have bolognese or sausage and mash for my dinner tonight?' There are no 'shoulds'. You do what you feel.

Stay away from relationships that make you feel messy. That's all you need to do to maintain healthy boundaries. You don't have to 'know' or 'trust' anybody or anything, but if someone does things that upset or confuse you, stay away from them. Your feelings will tell you what you need to know re compatibility, but you have to listen to and respect them.

lostintranslation78 · 22/12/2022 08:43

Every time I’ve known I’ve been hurt. I’ve known that I should leave but never did. I’ve known that someone doesn’t want to choose me but have not wanted to let go. Now know that for me love and knowing is painful.
I know that I’m emotionally spent.
Go with secure and good and kind.

FartSock5000 · 22/12/2022 11:16

It is very easy to fall in love or what we think may be love but biologically speaking, we are programmed for that first year or so to be doped up on happy hormones that make everything feel amazing. I call it cock goggles.

It takes more than a year to truly get to know someone in my experience. If you don't know a person, how can you have a deep, lasting love that will outlive the initial cock goggle period?

So, yes. I think you can know when you know but that doesn't mean that love is the lasting kind. Only time will give you that answer.

EmmaDilemma5 · 22/12/2022 11:23

15+yr relationship from teens here.

I've never known. I love and respect my partner, but I don't believe in people being "the ones" or "just knowing".

People change, relationships change, situations change.

You just have to do what feels right at the time. Many relationships that start with instant "love" don't last. Many arranged marriages that start with strangers are successful. You just never know do you?

EmmaDilemma5 · 22/12/2022 11:23

I think you know what it's not right though. That's much easier to know.

SwordToFlamethrower · 22/12/2022 11:24

I was worried about meeting up for a date with my now husband. Told him about my concerns (scared he may be an axe murderer!) So he sent me a Google map location in full colour showing where we plan to meet, what time, and where he wanted to take me, including the route to the restaurant. He said "send this to your friends so they can track you and check up on you."

Isittrueornot · 22/12/2022 11:28

Sometimes you think you know….but what you know is wrong, humans make mistakes.

Truth is you can never know until the end really.

SalcombeSunset · 22/12/2022 11:40

I met someone once who I thought was the one. I felt like I’d been hit by a ton of bricks and drugged up on love. He was my dream man. But he turned out to be a lying, cheating dickhead who ghosted me.

When I met DH online and went on our first date, I felt this huge sense of calm and ease. We sat eating dinner together and I felt like we had been married for years. It was pretty weird but kind of wonderful!

So, I don’t think you always know for sure, but where the interactions feels easy and fun, and you feel safe and respected, that’s a really good sign.

nancydroo · 22/12/2022 11:42

Boom. It was instant. Nothing else mattered. It was big from the start

Watchkeys · 22/12/2022 13:21

nancydroo · 22/12/2022 11:42

Boom. It was instant. Nothing else mattered. It was big from the start

This is often the case with unsuccessful/incompatible/hellish relationships too, though, at the start. So it's worth noting that that feeling isn't an indicator, and just that it happened to turn out well for you.

housemaus · 22/12/2022 13:25

It can be true but I think it's important we don't state it as absolute fact.

Absuive relationships often start out feeling perfect. Absuive partners often lovebomb and adjust their personality to make someone feel completely understood and safe and happy. If we say 'you just know', someone in that situation might be less likely to think critically about the risk when it starts falling apart, thinking that they'd found this rare, important type of love and blaming themselves for it not being right.

On a practical level too it's a bit... magical thinking for me. Like it's some kind of psychic 'knowing' based on how fated you are to be together. And that ignores the practical aspects of a successful relationship that are equally, if not more, important than chemistry. I've had that insane chemistry, great connection, 'holy shit is this My Person TM' - with someone who, it turned out, had very different long-term goals to me. So he wasn't the perfect person, he was someone I had a great connection with, but practically speaking it wouldn't have worked.

Not long after I met DH I had a very strong feeling what we had was different - and almost a decade in, I'm still right. But it could change - we don't go into marriages or relationships thinking of the possible negatives because it's unromantic, but the person you think is the perfect person for you is still just a person who can and might change into something much less perfect.

Ringmaster27 · 22/12/2022 13:27

No I don’t think so.
I met my exH when I was just a teenager. And yes it was love…it was just love for what I knew love to be at that time in my life. It was an immature love, we grew up together, and had to learn how a healthy adult relationship looked like when we were both barely adults.
When my marriage ended, I was blindsided by a man who I really thought was “it”. But the age old “if it seems to good to be true it probably is” was at play. But I didn’t see that at first. I fell hard. I thought he was the one. I was very very wrong.