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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"When you know, you know" with regards love

61 replies

piddocktrumperiness · 22/12/2022 06:43

Is this and has this always been true for you?

OP posts:

MangoSchmango · 22/12/2022 17:32

@Babdoc - I’m sorry for your loss 💐 I’m glad you had what you did though, it sounds like you were really made for each other

purpledalmation · 22/12/2022 17:39

obviously not judging by the number of divorces.

Alcemeg · 22/12/2022 17:41

Watchkeys · 22/12/2022 07:10

When you know, you know, but also, when you don't know, you think you know as well, so, without hindsight, it's impossible to distinguish.

Perfectly put 😂

Zanatdy · 22/12/2022 21:51

I think you can meet someone and automatically think it could work out. I’ve had 2 dates with a guy I used to work with and I massively fancy him and can’t get him out of my head, 24-7. I feel like a teenager. He’s said the same. I’ve never felt like this after such a small number of dates, but I guess I feel like I know him already having worked with him in the past. But in reality I know little about him outside of work and it might not work out. I don’t think it’s love at first site most of the time but infatuation at first site / sexual attraction. We have only had a kiss so far due to children / babysitters and I cannot wait to spend some time alone with him

Alcemeg · 23/12/2022 10:24

I've ended up deciding that when you get that excited, romantic rush of fancying and dazzling starlight etc etc etc, it's because you are drawn to someone you're going to get something important from. But be careful: that "something" might be a painful life lesson.

After a lot of trial and error, and after many years alone, I finally got lucky with my now-DH. That was a very different feeling: one of complete safety. With him I suddenly felt totally relaxed, uninhibited, uncensored, seen, appreciated, understood, protected, supported, in ways that I had not encountered before (even with close friends).

Do I regret the crazy shit I put myself through for years before meeting him? No, because without those relationships I wouldn't have learned the painful life lessons that eventually "qualified" me to be with someone on DH's level.

I don't think we can cheat in life by magically learning to spot the "right" things and make the "right" choices. We just have to participate and learn, and some of it is not much fun, but the tough experiences are the ones we most learn from.

Militarywife7 · 23/12/2022 13:33

This was totally true for me, I met my DH on a night out with friends and instantly felt this really strange connection I hadn’t felt before, went on to explain to friends that night he was different to anybody I’d ever met. He later told me after that night when walking home with friends he said he thinks I may be the one, and that I was different to anybody he had ever met! 10 years later we’re so in love, marriage, one DD and another on the way - I can well and truly say I believe in love at first site. Maybe I just got lucky!

zonky · 23/12/2022 13:41

What a coincidence that all of the people who claim to have "known" were young at the time and had visions of cohabitation/marriage/amd children....why isn't this "phenomenon" reported as widely in other age groups (40 +).

maryofthevirginkind · 23/12/2022 13:51

My experience was very similar to @SaveMeCheezus' in that first time I thought I knew and second time I really did know.

Gronkle · 23/12/2022 13:53

I don't subscribe to this at all. It's the same with "love at first sight". It's all retrospective insight.

beezlebubnicky · 23/12/2022 13:55

I don't believe in this, no. I think love is a choice that you make every day - and there are many people out there who would suit you as a partner, depending on what time in your life you meet them.

The love at first sight thing is usually associated with short-lived, intense relationships that don't stay the course. Real love grows slowly through getting to know someone, and it involves hard conversations and making an effort to communicate clearly along the way.

At some point you just have to jump in with both feet and invest in a relationship, as long as it's healthy for you and helps you grow. But you don't need to 'just know'.

Aquasulis · 23/12/2022 16:59

I’ve just met someone and I know he will be a great friend and it is peaceful and calm and respectful.

I talked to him online for ages and we have mutual friends who both wanted to introduce us as ‘you are like two peas in a pod’ but instead we met online.

My boundaries are secure and I’m not rushing and not falling ‘head over heels’ he just feels lovely like a pair of slippers. He is not mu
’normal type’ but I had two years of therapy to identify why I had low respect for myself etc

I think when you start dating you have to be open minded to ‘does this have legs- could this be a potential LTR?’ And the answer to that is yes.

My ex wasn’t right and he was hard hard work but I had low self esteem and I come from a parental upbringing where everything is hard work - they are exhausting so I thought it was the norm. For the last 3 years I have worked hard on what a normal friendship should be like etc and distancing myself from relationship that don’t allow me to respect myself.

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