"When you know, you know" with regards love

[piddocktrumperiness]

Is this and has this always been true for you?

agree with this. I think the biggest element in meeting someone it works with romantically is luck. And I don’t believe in ‘the one’ - there are probably hundreds, thousands of people out there somewhere I could potentially have a lovely relationship with but I haven’t met them!

But nothing can be guaranteed to last forever. Feelings and people change. Life throws unexpected challenges at you. I view relationships as something to enjoy in the moment rather than something set in stone

I feel like I knew with my DH, but only in the sense that it felt 'right' from the start. We went on a date, then pretty much loved with other 50/50 for 3 months until I moved to be with him full time. We bought a house at 14months, got engaged at 24, married at 4 years and have been together 11 this January.
Has it always been easy? Absolutely not. Was he the only person out there for me? Most likely not. But did I know from the start he was something special? Absolutely. In a way no other man I'd met had made me feel. No big explosions, no declarations of undying love. Just a sense of comfort and mutual desire to be in this together.

Brilliant answer!

Brilliant answer!

It was for me. I feel very lucky about it as well. It was just easy and no drama right from the start.

What does 'drama' mean here? @paulhollywoodshairgel

I think many are subconsciously guided by their desire to cohabit/marry/have children so when dating or in relationships, they're constantly seeking out signs of "when you know you know"; people who aren't bothered about relationships or don't see their identity as defined by being and having a relationship never discuss things of this kind, nor have expressed ideas like this. I don't think there is such a thing, it's feelings which happen to have lasted longer than expected rather than some Oracle insight into the future. Equally, at any moment, these relationships can fail and then you'd re write history and say "well, I never really thought it was special"....

I don’t think it’s true in terms of identifying ‘the one’ (I.e. the one who is forever) but it’s been true for me in terms of knowing who is going to be a great love. I have 2 and I look back on them with nothing but fondness. I ‘knew’ from my first date with both of them.

I also knew who definitely wasn’t for me - even when I was pretending to myself at the time. It felt completely different - at the beginning, middle and end. They were like square pegs that I was jamming into round holes.

I guess it means I knew straight away he was 'the one' and there was no messing about or will he won't be and no drama as I'd had before in relationships. Sorry I don't always articulate very well!!

Yes that's what it was like for my husband and I. If you need to ask "am I in love?", you aren't. But I think it takes at least 2 years to really know someone.

I think Tim Minchin has it right in threads like this - the lyrics are brilliant!

My late DH thought I was "the one" from the first time he saw me/love at first sight. Friends who have been together for 30 years met as teens and he says the same thing. I don't think it is very common.
I think some people have the type of personality where this can happen but don't believe I would be capable of feeling like that. I am reserved and cautious and take things slowly. Other people jump into things and take more chances. For some people life trauma would also stop them having that kind of feeling.

I have a friend that saw her DH at an event and she says she knew she would marry him. And she did - about 3 months after meeting him and they are still happily together almost 30 years later.

Just look at the person him or her self @piddocktrumperiness
Don't factor in any other variables, like relatives. Don't over-analyse. If the world feels and looks like a brighter and better place when you're with this person, when simple things delight you just because you are in the presence of this other person, then you know.

The difficulty is we are sold this ideal of romantic love. Looking for 'the one'. A soulmate.

For some lucky people, who perhaps got the right messages about what secure loving relationships feel like from reliable caregivers as children, they find someone they love and are loved back and perhaps this seems like that soulmate narrative.

For many of us, we have different childhood messaging. No necessarily abuse, but perhaps just unreliable messaging....so love to us might feel different. We maybe attracted to those who treat us indifferently or unkindly. That is not love but may feel like it. We have to work on reprogramming ourselves and recognising actual love.

The 'one' narrative is not a healthy one, but a romantic one. It is better to feel that there are lots of possibilities and lots of people who would potentially love us.

I like a quote from Attached. (Great book). To paraphrase, love is not a feeling...it is a decision.

There was some incredibly feckless woman spouting this on a thread this week. As if it ‘justified’ her terrible choices.

When you know, you definitely know!
DH and I met my first night at uni. We moved in together three days later. And loved each other to bits until the day of his untimely death at 36.
31 years later, I still love him and have never remarried. He was and is “the one”, and I hope God reunites us at my own death.

I don't think I understand your post

I also agree with this. I'd dated a fair bit before meeting my husband and had two long term relationships. Meeting him felt different straight away.

I realised I wasn't analysing things and second guessing myself. It seemed natural to be making plans for next month and - before we knew it - next year. It wasn't a whirlwind, exhilarating sort of feeling, it just seemed obvious and clear and secure.

Didn't have much in the way of relationships - I was choosey. When I was 24 I met someone who asked me out the first day we met and proposed 3 weeks later. That was in 1971 and we're still together. We felt comfortable with each other. It just seemed natural. Still does.

It's an illusion.

What you "know" when you know ia just chemistry. Hormones. The way your body reacts to their smell. Sexual tension. These are all fine and fun, but without compatibility, they are worth nothing. Zilch.

And compatibility is something that you cannot accurately assess until you have a good rounded imagine of who your partner is. And getting to really know someone takes years.

Sometimes people get lucky and it works out for them, but generally it's a really really bad idea to let intuition and feelings alone dictate your choice of life partner.

And those lovely stories you hear about love at first sight are just a case of survivorship bias. The one's for whom it ended in bitter disappointment will simply not be here talking about it.

I was married three months after my first meeting with my husband and we've been married for 24 years now.(25 in march).
If you'd asked me back then I'd have said yes without hesitation.

Now, older, wiser and far less romantic, I think you can't let your heart rule your head. You need to look for long term compatibility, shared core values, approach it like you're interviewing them for the job and with your person specification in mind and then let your emotions have a sniff.

I think it can be true at the time. I’ve had that start to a relationship with three different men. One went on to be a long term relationship where we lived and travelled together, one a marriage of over 10 years, and one of my second marriage.

The first two didn’t last forever but they were meaningful relationships where we fell in love and did have happy times together. The current one, I think will last !

I “ knew” very very quickly with all of the above and they have all been very significant relationships.

I also dated and knew that quickly that they weren’t going to be long term loves for me, I just didn’t feel it enough.

There can be more than one of “the one” is what I am trying to say I think… but my experience of falling in love is that you both know very very quickly.

I've felt that about most partners but I also have anxiety and ADHD. I also get the 'what if?' something better or different? Welcome to my fun brain.

*is my second marriage

To be honest, they weren’t “ love at first sight” but with all I fell in love within 3 weeks and they had said it to me and me back to them

Maybe I’m just not very sensible though