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Original poster

I think dp may have a drinking problem, he disagrees

58 replies

MessageToRudy · 22/12/2022 00:15

Dp doesn't drink every day but when he does drink, he drinks a lot. I think that when he does drink, the volume he drinks is too much. He has a stomach condition and I had to take him for a procedure and he asked the doctor about drinking. He didn't discuss the amounts but the doctor said as long as he was avoiding hard spirits and not drinking every single day, he was doing alright. He encouraged him to have several days off in a row during the week.

Dp did listen to the doctor and does this. However on the nights he does drink, he easily polishes off 2 bottles of wine. I was on a long haul flight with him last week, and he ordered at least 6 big glasses of wine through the flight. At one point, I saw the air hostess look at me as if to say, this is a bit much but he wasn't causing any issues so they kept serving him. He literally drinks wine like a normal person would drink orange squash. But in his defence, he does not drink every day.

It's totally his life - we are not married, we have no kids together (each have our own) but I am concerned at getting lumbered with an alcoholic. My mum was one and this is the first relationship I've had with someone who reminds me of that. We are 49/50.

Because my mum was an alcoholic,I'm potentially over sensitive about it. So would you consider this too much for someone's health? He is a big bloke - 6ft 5 and around 110kg so he has the ability to absorb more than most!

OP posts:
OldFan · 22/12/2022 00:48

He is a big bloke - 6ft 5 and around 110kg so he has the ability to absorb more than most!

That doesn't mean alcohol is less harmful to him than others necessarily.

I wonder if his stomach condition partly developed itself due to his drinking; that's not uncommon.

If he triggers feelings from your upbringing with an alcoholic, then that's a major red flag, and also unpleasant for you.

I would ask him to cut down to under the recommended daily units. (14- a bottle and a half of red wine a week.) And if he doesn't manage it then bin.

But I don't have a history of living with an alkie or anything- you may be less comfortable with others drinking, understandably. So decide what you want him to do and then ask him.

Bananalanacake · 22/12/2022 06:19

No need to get lumbered with him, could you live apart and date him once a week, then his alcohol consumption is no concern of yours. You can only help those who want to help themselves.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 22/12/2022 06:34

I feel pretty certain he has a drinking problem and that you're not being overly sensitive. Big red flag.

MintJulia · 22/12/2022 06:38

Count up the units per week. If he has two standard bottles of wine in a night, that's 18-20 units, so he's already over the recommended weekly amount.

My ex drank about 70 units a week, swore he didn't have an alcohol problem but couldn't give it up, even after ds & I left. I couldn't let ds go in his car because I could never tell if ex was fit to drive.

It comes down to what you are willing to tolerate, but eventually it will impact your life too.

Jellyjam36 · 22/12/2022 06:40

I don't think you're being overly sensitive, and considering that your mum was an alcoholic it is completely understandable how you feel. Have you explained to him?
We have drifted from quite a few couple friends of DH who drink almost daily and to excess. It is their choice but see us as abnormal for not doing the same. Similar situation, bottles and bottles for one or two people every other day. Then personality changes and it all gets awkward.
We are just different people because of it and if you don't want to be around that then you need to say.

Liveafr · 22/12/2022 08:25

Regardless of the specific problems caused by alcohol addiction, the fact is that it is certainly an unhealthy amount. And if he's 50, there's good chance he'll develop serious health problems within the next 5-10 years (my DP's father was an alcoholic and died of mouth cancer in his 50s). Maybe explain to him that you are concerned about this health and triggered by his consumption because of your past and see if he's willing to cut down his drinking.

MissyB1 · 22/12/2022 08:30

His stomach condition could very well be related to his alcohol consumption, it doesn’t need to be daily drinking to cause damage. Lots of people suffer damage from binge drinking, and that’s what his drinking sounds like.
He’s damaging his health but doesn’t realise. I would be concerned.

Bumpsadaisie · 22/12/2022 08:34

It's a lot of alcohol and you're not being sensitive. 6 large glasses in a row? I think the air hostess told you what you needed to know.

Crazykefir · 22/12/2022 08:35

This man is in denial. You know hell spend christmas getting pissed, is this how you want to spend your time. If he triggers feelings about your childhood run for the hillls. I say this as a daughter if an alcoholic. Ill never stand back and watch while a person kills themselves with drink again.

Bumpsadaisie · 22/12/2022 08:38

I noticed you said "it's totally his life" and what you meant was it's his life to do as he chooses.

But I think on some level you also worry that "it's totally his LIFE". Ie that alcohol is the most important thing in his life.

If someone has to drink six glasses in a row and isn't worried about how this appears then I think the alcohol already has him in its grip. He doesn't seem to have much insight and is telling the doctors it's fine.

category12 · 22/12/2022 08:54

It's a worrying sign that he can drink wine like lemonade, whatever his size. It means he's built up a high degree of alcohol tolerance, which is not a good thing.

He does sounds like he may have an alcohol problem.

While he may not drink every day, I wouldn't be surprised if one of his main preoccupations on his dry days was planning his next drink.

Honestly I couldn't be arsed with it.

stregadelcucito · 22/12/2022 08:55

Unfortunately, in my experience, a lot of doctors are hopeless at defining what is, or is not, to much to drink.

The issue is whether he drinks more that you can deal with, or want to deal with in your life. Your Mum being an alcoholic doesn't make you more sensitive, but it could mean that your are susceptible to being co-dependent.

This book is quite a tough read (and not all of it may apply to you) but it is a bit of a 'go to' for people who have an alcoholic in their life, I wish that I had found it a decade sooner!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 22/12/2022 08:56

2 bottles in one go? Yeh, it's a lot

nancydroo · 22/12/2022 08:57

Tell him this exactly. You're drinking is concerning. It will exacerbate your stomach condition. I don't want to be lumbered with an alcoholic so scale it down.

sorrynotathome · 22/12/2022 09:01

Of course it’s too much. As PP has said, he’s built up a tolerance. And are you completely sure he doesn’t drink every day? Either way, if he can’t go more than a few days without drinking and he can’t moderate the quantity when he does drink, he has a problem.

EmmaAgain22 · 22/12/2022 09:02

My best friend is like this - not 6ft plus and I'm baffled by how much she can drink.

It really comes down to whether you are okay with it. If he gets ill, will you be okay to leave?

CrotchetyQuaver · 22/12/2022 09:13

If your senses are warning you, trust your senses! It was my brother who was the alcoholic in our family, people who've never experienced this situation have no idea how much it damages you.
In your situation I'd be concerned by the intake - does his behaviour change when he's had a few?

I would have a very frank discussion with him about this.

pointythings · 22/12/2022 09:29

I think you're right to worry, that is a crazy amount of alcohol at a sitting. But you won't change him because he doesn't think it's a problem. Only you can decide whether you want to continue the relationship knowing that he is risking his health from his alcohol misuse. Even if he only has two of these sessions a week, that's still 40 units of alcohol. My late husband was much worse - he was having north of 120 units a week - and he died of heart failure at 58 having lost everything - job, marriage, kids, house.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 22/12/2022 09:34

Does it matter if he's technically an alcoholic? He drinks enough that it bothers you, due to your history.

Even if he cuts down, you're probably going to be wary whenever he does drink, as you know how much he wants to drink.

I'd say this relationship is probably a non starter, and I'd exit before it gets any more serious.

gogohmm · 22/12/2022 09:51

Yes he has a drink problem - a bottle of wine (supposedly shared but him drinking the lions share) 2-3 times a week I wouldn't blink at but actually opening a second bottle indicates he has a problem (assuming no guests). Again indulging in free wine on a flight is fair game until factored into a wider picture.

How many days a week does he drink?

Could you discuss your concerns by talking about your mum? Suggest dry January perhaps as it will help his health problems

Oblomov22 · 22/12/2022 09:57

Doesn't sound like a problem to me. Is he nasty? Lazy? Lacking in any area of life?

I have always been able to consume large amounts of alcohol easily, right back to being 18 at Uni, don't get drunk, no hangover. Generally don't drink in the week. Can do dry January easily.

category12 · 22/12/2022 09:59

Oblomov22 · 22/12/2022 09:57

Doesn't sound like a problem to me. Is he nasty? Lazy? Lacking in any area of life?

I have always been able to consume large amounts of alcohol easily, right back to being 18 at Uni, don't get drunk, no hangover. Generally don't drink in the week. Can do dry January easily.

High alcohol tolerance is not actually a good thing.

Eyerollcentral · 22/12/2022 10:03

He is a big man. A bottle of wine is going to have limited effect. I wouldn’t be that surprised that a man of his size could put away two bottles of wine. I know it’s verboten on MN to enjoy alcohol and specifically it’s relaxing qualities. Frankly one bottle is not going to impact a man that size.
Re the flight is he a nervous flyer? I only ask because I had a long relationship with a nervous flyer and his way of (not) dealing with it was to drink.
Were you in the doctor’s appointment with your partner? Because I think most doctors would be quite clear if they thought alcohol had caused/contributed to a medical condition. He also seems to have complied with the doctor’s recommendations without an issue as well, which seems very at odds with being an alcoholic

Original poster
MessageToRudy · 22/12/2022 10:58

Thanks all

It's always useful for me to check what others think on this because of my spidey senses due to my mum (who died far younger than she should have done, indirectly from her alcoholism).

Will have a chat to him about it when I'm back home and see what transpires. Like @Crazykefir, once you've seen someone kill themselves with alcohol, you have no appetite to go through it again!

I was with him when he spoke to the doctor.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 22/12/2022 11:02

@category12

I disagree. It's portrayed as bad. With the assumption that you got to this stage, have built up tolerance over time, due to constant drinking.

But that is a huge assumption.

Weight and gender. Genetics affect how a person develops tolerance. They could have a fast digestive system. A more rapid metabolism.

Not everyone has the same tolerance, when they are young and take their first drink, or years later.

Some of Ds1's Uni friends are very light tolerance. I'm high tolerance. Always have been, since first drink. I don't see that as a negative.