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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think dp may have a drinking problem, he disagrees

58 replies

MessageToRudy · 22/12/2022 00:15

Dp doesn't drink every day but when he does drink, he drinks a lot. I think that when he does drink, the volume he drinks is too much. He has a stomach condition and I had to take him for a procedure and he asked the doctor about drinking. He didn't discuss the amounts but the doctor said as long as he was avoiding hard spirits and not drinking every single day, he was doing alright. He encouraged him to have several days off in a row during the week.

Dp did listen to the doctor and does this. However on the nights he does drink, he easily polishes off 2 bottles of wine. I was on a long haul flight with him last week, and he ordered at least 6 big glasses of wine through the flight. At one point, I saw the air hostess look at me as if to say, this is a bit much but he wasn't causing any issues so they kept serving him. He literally drinks wine like a normal person would drink orange squash. But in his defence, he does not drink every day.

It's totally his life - we are not married, we have no kids together (each have our own) but I am concerned at getting lumbered with an alcoholic. My mum was one and this is the first relationship I've had with someone who reminds me of that. We are 49/50.

Because my mum was an alcoholic,I'm potentially over sensitive about it. So would you consider this too much for someone's health? He is a big bloke - 6ft 5 and around 110kg so he has the ability to absorb more than most!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/12/2022 22:34

Like so many posts of this type it’s mainly about the alcoholic.

Talking to your alcoholic about his drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. What do you think that is going to achieve anyway?. Your words will have no effect on him. You can only help your own self and he does not want your help or support.

I would exit the relationship now given that his primary relationship is with drink and not with you.

Not all that surprised sadly to read that your late mother was also an alcoholic. Children who grow up seeing alcoholism are far more likely to choose alcoholics as partners. I would also look at codependency in relationships and see how much this state relates to your own behaviour in this relationship.

Ticketyboots · 22/12/2022 22:45

EmmaAgain22 · 22/12/2022 13:31

Ultimately all that matters is - is OP okay with it?

i'm fine with dying earlier than most (though I rarely drink). This boyfriend probably is as well. But of course OP has the right to not be with a drinker, it's her life.

I would say - don't expect to change him. My bestie had a liver function test because her mum was so worried about her drinking. It came out fine.

i'm fine with dying earlier than most (though I rarely drink). This boyfriend probably is as well.

This is a bit naive - it would be “lucky” to have a quick heart attack after relative health - but the more likely outcome due to advances in medications that keep organs alive is a life of chronic illnesses which have a significant impact on quality of daily life.

The choices are do you want to live the last 20 years of your life mobile, fit and pain free or compromised with disabilities, discomfort, pain etc associated with chronic illnesses.

FootDown2022 · 22/12/2022 23:11

I broke up with my husband this year because of his drinking. I've spoken to a few of his family and they keep trying to put a label on it, asking me is he an alcoholic? a binge drinker? self medicating with booze?

I just keep saying I hated the drinking and I didn't want to live with it any more. Everyone in the world could have an opinion on your DPs drinking but the only person you need to listen to is you.

OldFan · 23/12/2022 00:46

I would exit the relationship now given that his primary relationship is with drink and not with you.

@AttilaTheMeerkat It is possible for people to stop or cut down drinking. @MessageToRudy maybe tell him how you feel about it and ask him to cut down or stop (if you haven't already?)

Attila is right that you don't have control over his actions. A group like Al-Anon might be supportive for you.

But if you can't stand it then it might be time to move on (unless you want to try giving him an ultimatum first.)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/12/2022 01:02

Only if they want to do so. Other people asking/telling the alcoholic to stop will have no effect.

An ultimatum can only be issued one time and the person issuing it will have to follow through. If they are unwilling to do that then this should not be issued. Repeated ultimatums lose all their power.

Pelo22 · 23/12/2022 01:02

Oblomov22 · 22/12/2022 11:15

I'm well aware of that. But you are completely missing the point. The whole point is that: Not everyone who has high tolerance is because of heavy drinking.

There are other possible reasons. Read my post where I link them. The assumption automatically is that someone has high tolerance because of heavy drinking. That assumption is not always correct.

Definitely
I drink very rarely. As in I won't have anything for a year or two. Yet went out for the work do, had 2 bottles of wine, some Prosecco, 6 tequila shots and some other stuff. Was I sober? No!
But I've always had a massive alcohol tolerance ever since my first drink
(Also need extra anaesthetic for everything)

category12 · 23/12/2022 06:46

Pelo22 · 23/12/2022 01:02

Show quote history

It doesn't mean it's safe for you to drink like that, tho.

LaLuz7 · 23/12/2022 07:05

OP, this is exactly how you get lumbered with an alcoholic.

Drinking does not have to be constant to be problematic. Is the lack of control around intake that is problematic, whether is shows up as binge drinking or being constantly buzzed.

2 bottles of wine a night is 1.5 liters. Roughly 10 standards glasses.

That's a huge amount.

And the fact he doesnt think he has a problem means that it will only get slowly worse and worse.

Please don't keep an alcoholic in your kids' lives, even if they don't live with him. It's shitty.

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