Is this a normal gift for your boss?

[Junebughustle]

My husband's PA over the last year has been sending him lots of messages outside of work time about her day to day life - he often doesn't respond but is nice to her as she does a good job and he thinks she's a nice person. She has given him nice gifts before - ie he mentioned liking a bag she had bought her son and she got him one the next day.

I really don't think my husband is doing anything suspicious but I admit her constantly messaging him has rubbed me up the wrong way.

Today is their last day in the office and she has gotten him a lovely gift - a keepsake relating to his hobby, personalised with his name. For example, if his hobby was collecting lager, she got him a beautiful wooden engraved tankard.

Does this scream 'I really like you!' Or do i need to give my head a wobble? I've had bosses before I really liked, but I don't think I would have gotten any of them something so special as a Christmas gift.

No I think this is pretty normal

I think fairly normal for a good working relationship. Is there issues in your relationship where if she did like him it would cause you concern as you think he’d cheat on you? I assume that’s the only reason you’d be bothered. You think he fancies his pa and would have sex with her?

i think that’s what you should be addressing, past that if she likes him or not is irrelevant

I think it's a bit much but so long as your husband is managing the situation well then that's all that matters.

That's a weird gift for your boss, a bit too personal.

This.

It's not all just about whether a husband would cheat. I find it rude when someone has so little respect for someone else's relationship.

The gift on its own might not be a huge issue but coupled with messages outside of work etc. I'm friendly withy colleagues and am quite close with one of them (male) but would never message him personally outside of work because it would fel hugely disrespectful to do so.

@Wisteriaroundthedoor thankfully I'm not worried about that, we are solid and I really trust him. It's a silly thing to be annoyed about but my worry is that she thinks they're having an emotional affair just because he is patient and friendly. But even if that was the case that's not really something for me to get worked up about, which I recognise.

@GreyCarpet I think this is why it bothers me. She knows I exist and it feels really disrespectful.

he mentioned liking a bag she had bought her son and she got him one the next day.

Tbh, that's weirder than the personalised Christmas gift.

A previous colleague also bought me an engraved/personalised gift when I left the workplace. We worked very closely together and got on well.

But the gift was chosen and purchased by him, as he knew me best, on behalf of the staff who had contributed to it, which made it a lovely, thoughtful and meaningful gift. I wouldn't have liked it at all if it had been my Christmas present from him! Way too personal!

That's because it is.

It's a bit of a 'notice me; I notice you'.

As are the messages when he's out of work. She's attempting to put herself into his mind when she wouldn't be otherwise. If they were genuinely good friends at work, he'd be responding.

I don't know, maybe I'm just cynical but this is how, IME, women play it. Men will often just come straight out and tell a woman they like her. Women are far more subtle about it and insert themselves into a man's mind at a time when she wouldn't normally be there so he finds himself thinking of her more often/thinks of her in a different way/notices her in a way he didn't before. I've seen it happen enough times... I've done it myelf myself! (Not with married men) it's quite effective...

This is illogical,nothing she’s doing indicates she’s disrespecting your relationship. She bought her boss a present for Christmas and she communicates outside work, she’s his pa,

hinestly it reads like you’re struggling to articulate why you’ve a problem, if you’re solid and trust him why would you be worried if she thinks they’re having an ea, that’s a massive leap , and nothing she’s done is remotely disrespectful to his relationship

God this is awful misogyny, i actually can’t believe you came into a predominantly woman’s site attacking women and writing horrible stuff like that. It’s so incel

Along time ago I spent far too much on a beautiful item my boss had mentioned he coveted.

There was really nothing inappropriate between us, he was always completely respectful and supportive of me, but I'd had a terrible time personally for a few months and he'd been really kind to me, in a professional way, as my boss, when I knew my personal issues had been affecting my work. I wanted to say a big thank you.

Until just now it's never occurred to me how it would have looked to his wife!

I have never bought my boss a Christmas present, and I don't think anyone has ever has done so wherever I've worked. The whole idea is that the bosses earn more than the workers, so they are the ones to provide generic small gifts for all their staff.

The one and only time I have ever bought a boss a personal gift was for someone who was leaving. He had mentored me for several years, and was moving on to pastures new in a different part of the country.

Last year my DH's PA sent him a calendar of photos she had lifted from his Instagram (but included none of me). She also used to message him alot out of work.
It made me pretty uncomfortable tbh.

He also found the calendar a bit much and took the opportunity when it naturally arose to reshuffle her to be someone else's PA later in the year (same t and c so she didn't lose out or anything else). She pretty clearly had a crush on him and it was just better to distance himself from it before it became even more awkward.

I think in your case the gift is a bit much-it's just seems a little too personal and a bit too much effort somehow-bit inappropriate.

🤣 no, I just tend of think of women as people with agency who are just as capable of manipulating situations as men and just as capable of formulating a plan of action as men...

What do you do when you like someone then? Sit around passively on a shelf hoping said man picks you up?

No, of course you don't. I would presume that you, like most women, upon seeing someone she finds attractive would engineer a way to bump into them, to speak to them, to at least be in the same room as them. You might do something with the intention of elevating yourself above other women in their eyes so that it's you they notice and not someone else. Just trying to impress them in some way.

Everyone does things to make themselves noticeable to the person they are attracted to! And I'm suggesting that that is what she is doing... 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's not misogyny - it's human nature.

I would say that's standard behaviour

I have exchanged really lovely things with my bosses over the years

Also we became friends so we would do thoughtful gestures etc

Perfectly normal

I agree with you Greycarpet actually. Men do it too-not misogyny just how some people behave when they are attracted to someone else.

Oh cmon, she’s is pa. She nought him a bloody personalised tankard, hardly something from Anne summers. And texting your boss about stuff isn’t elevating yourself v other woman, ffs. 🤣

I text my boss out of hours. As he does me. I’m the only woman on his team, I’d not shag him for all the tea in china. I didn’t buy him a gift but I’m not his pa or anyone else’s for that matter

however a close friend of mine was a pa, she’s retired now, and she always bought her managers a lovely gift at Xmas and birthdays. She also communicated as and when required and didn’t stick to office hours. She was never remotely interested in any of them.

@Wisteriaroundthedoor feelings and instincts have very little to do with logic. It may not be logical but it feels like this woman has feelings for my husband, and it doesn't feel great, especially if her constant messaging and gifts might be aimed at winning him over. It doesn't matter that I don't think she would be successful, if that's what she's trying to do, it feels really rude.

I understand why you feel like that OP. It's the tone of the messages sometimes. Of course people can have good (present buying) relationships with their bosses and if not be off in any way. Equally sometimes spidey senses will prickle for whatever reason-sometimes you can't put a finger on it-and mine have never been far wrong in this regard (on the fortunately few times I've felt, for whatever reason, something wasn't quite ok).

@Junebughustle what did your husband think of the gift? The company I used to work at, the director and his PA were great friends, she would have bought him something like that. Nothing in it at all. Have you ever met this PA and do you know for sure she’s even single? I work with a guy now and am close friends with him. We message sometimes out of work. Do not fancy him one bit.

Nothing wrong with a personalised gift, they're so easy to order online.

It might be different if she had to put tonnes of effort in but that's not the case.

@Lovereallyisblind he sent me a video of it on WhatsApp with the caption 'nice present from X' - we've not talked about it yet as we are still coming home from work. I wanted to sense check my thoughts about this before mentioning it, if I do at all.

She is married but mentioned some marital issues to my husband.

I’ve never or rarely got bosses presents! One year I did give my boss a cranberry Christmas cheese (was cheap!) as he liked cheese and I think another I might’ve got him a small box of chocolates (he loved them). I didn’t fancy him at all though. I did get my 88 year old boss a nice bottle of red wine and card for his birthday as he’s widowed and lonely. That backfired because I was seeing someone at the time and my boss ended up asking me out! He knew I was seeing someone so god knows why he asked me out!

@DuplicateUserName I think that's fair. I can't tell how much effort went into it but I do like personalised things for friends and family when getting presents. This context just feels a bit too familiar.