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Original poster

Is this a normal gift for your boss?

59 replies

Junebughustle · 21/12/2022 16:51

My husband's PA over the last year has been sending him lots of messages outside of work time about her day to day life - he often doesn't respond but is nice to her as she does a good job and he thinks she's a nice person. She has given him nice gifts before - ie he mentioned liking a bag she had bought her son and she got him one the next day.

I really don't think my husband is doing anything suspicious but I admit her constantly messaging him has rubbed me up the wrong way.

Today is their last day in the office and she has gotten him a lovely gift - a keepsake relating to his hobby, personalised with his name. For example, if his hobby was collecting lager, she got him a beautiful wooden engraved tankard.

Does this scream 'I really like you!' Or do i need to give my head a wobble? I've had bosses before I really liked, but I don't think I would have gotten any of them something so special as a Christmas gift.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 22/12/2022 13:19

5128gap · 22/12/2022 13:04

Of course is natural to want the attention of those we are attracted to, but that's not what you said.
You said that women are less direct and manipulate men into thinking about them.
I can honestly say I've never attempted such a thing in my life. For one thing I can't imagine bothering to make all that effort, for another outside of my teen crushes, I have never sat there thinking how do i get a man to notice me, and have never felt the need to scheme for a man's attention And for a third, I'd have zero interest in a man so malleable he could be tricked into a relationship.
I'm not outraged in the least. Slightly irritated perhaps at once again seeing women cast into stereotypical roles of conniving tempstreses and men as guiless innocents prey to their wiles. Its just such nonsense.

Show quote history

Maybe you haven't done that. But I've known women who do and openly talk about it. It's really just an exercise in understanding that not everyone is the same as you

I'm not talking about Machiavelian levels of subterfuge 😅 just little things like wearing something when you know youre going to see him because he once complimented you wearing it, finding yourself at the bar at the same time as him, paying attention to little details that mean you give a very thoughtful and personal Christmas gift. Or any of those little tidbits of dating advice.

In my experience, men are more forward. Most women still think its the man's job to ask a woman out and so will do things in the hope he notices her and does so.

That doesn't mean a man has to be unfaithful or 'fall for it' anymore than a woman has to 'fall for' flattery and love bombing. Yet plenty do...

GreyCarpet · 22/12/2022 13:22

And lots of dating advice aimed at women does focus on doing things to make him think of you when you're not around.

We can't then be surprised if women do it.

5128gap · 22/12/2022 13:37

GreyCarpet · 22/12/2022 13:22

And lots of dating advice aimed at women does focus on doing things to make him think of you when you're not around.

We can't then be surprised if women do it.

Perhaps. The problem lies though with extrapolating from that that that's what this woman is doing.
No offence to the OP and her husband (who may be utterly irresistible) but in all truth, most married men, if they mind their own business and get on with their jobs, keep to the boundaries and don't encourage women, are not typically going to find themselves the target of this sort behaviour. Where they 'end up' in an affair they've usually been the instigator or an extremely willing particpant. Which ties in with what you say about the norms regarding who asks who.
The average man goes through most of his life without the need to manage unwanted attention. Which is just one way in which their experience differes from women's. Yet so frequently women jump to the conclusion that their Derek is the exception and any woman befriending him has an ulterior motive. When the odds are, she really is just being nice.

TenzingNorgay · 22/12/2022 13:43

I pretty much loathe all my bosses, so this seems odd. Even thinking about the couple of bosses I've actually liked, I'd never get them stuff like this. A bottle of wine or something, maybe.

TenzingNorgay · 22/12/2022 13:49

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 21/12/2022 17:18

God this is awful misogyny, i actually can’t believe you came into a predominantly woman’s site attacking women and writing horrible stuff like that. It’s so incel

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I'm feminist AF but don't see this as misogyny at all - it's a pretty good summary of how women are socialised to get the things they want.

GreyCarpet · 22/12/2022 13:55

5128gap · 22/12/2022 13:37

Perhaps. The problem lies though with extrapolating from that that that's what this woman is doing.
No offence to the OP and her husband (who may be utterly irresistible) but in all truth, most married men, if they mind their own business and get on with their jobs, keep to the boundaries and don't encourage women, are not typically going to find themselves the target of this sort behaviour. Where they 'end up' in an affair they've usually been the instigator or an extremely willing particpant. Which ties in with what you say about the norms regarding who asks who.
The average man goes through most of his life without the need to manage unwanted attention. Which is just one way in which their experience differes from women's. Yet so frequently women jump to the conclusion that their Derek is the exception and any woman befriending him has an ulterior motive. When the odds are, she really is just being nice.

Show quote history

Maybe.

And maybe this PA is just being nice. But catch up messages updating him on how she is spending her day? Personalised gifts for Christmas? For most people, I'd think those things were reserved for very close friends and partners. Not bosses. Maybe she has absolutely no interest in him at all and is just like that with everyone.

No one knows.

But I wouldn't discount it onto the basis that the average man doesn't get lots of unwanted attention.

Given most of these average men are in relationships, someone finds them attractive. And someone has likely previously found them attractive. So it's not beyond the realm of imagination that they will continue to meet wornen who find them attractive.

My ex husband was losing his hair, obese, plagued with lifestyle related health issues, narrow minded and dull (eventually, he wasn't like that when I met him!). As far as I was concerned, he had very few attractive qualities and yet he is now married to the woman he had an affair with. I remain completely baffled as to what she sees in him! She's so much more 'together' than him, a few years younger than him, more attractive than him, has more get up and go rhan him... especially as none of those issues haven't improved and are, if anything, worse.

If I was certain of anything it's was that women wouldn't be queuing up to take him off my hands and yet here we are...

NancyVicious · 22/12/2022 15:20

I wouldn't think anything of it to be honest. You spend a lot of hours with the people you work with. I often speak to my managers out of work and have people I manage text me about non work stuff. We sometimes buy each other personalised gifts for Xmas or birthdays. You develop friendships with people and do chat about our of work stuff. I have no sexual interest in any of them nor they me

forththeroast · 22/12/2022 15:30

Why is she messaging your husband outside of work hours about her life? Also, if she's mentioned her marital issues to your husband, it shows that she feels a sense of familiarity and comfort with him. Nothing wrong in that except some people - when they confide in others in this way - misconstrue the relationship and start thinking that the person they are confiding in is something more.

You're in a difficult situation because you don't want to create something out of nothing but conversely, if you do nothing now and it turns out she does have a crush on him, things could become more difficult. And you would then regret not dealing with it sooner.

What are you going to do?

Nanny0gg · 22/12/2022 17:01

Buying him the bag was definitely weird.

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