Is this a normal gift for your boss?

[Junebughustle]

My husband's PA over the last year has been sending him lots of messages outside of work time about her day to day life - he often doesn't respond but is nice to her as she does a good job and he thinks she's a nice person. She has given him nice gifts before - ie he mentioned liking a bag she had bought her son and she got him one the next day.

I really don't think my husband is doing anything suspicious but I admit her constantly messaging him has rubbed me up the wrong way.

Today is their last day in the office and she has gotten him a lovely gift - a keepsake relating to his hobby, personalised with his name. For example, if his hobby was collecting lager, she got him a beautiful wooden engraved tankard.

Does this scream 'I really like you!' Or do i need to give my head a wobble? I've had bosses before I really liked, but I don't think I would have gotten any of them something so special as a Christmas gift.

Why did he send you a video of it? That to me is also a bit odd. And he mentioned she mentioned marital issues... it's all a tad mentionitus sounding-or the beginnings of maybe? Is the why you feel a bit unsettled?

I think you need to speak to your husband op. Tell him to speak to her, no more gifts, she can only communicate during working hours and he isn’t to mention her to you again,

What did he give her? Traditionally the boss buys the PA a gift. And I bet it was something decent if she goes to a lot of trouble over a gift to him each year.

@warofthemonstertrucks we tend to message and send photos of our days to each other so it isn't unusual. The video was to show the full gift and what it does (it's not a tankard, it's something that opens and closes).

@Wisteriaroundthedoor I can't tell if you're being serious or not. I'm just trying to make sense of my feelings.

@clarrylove he got her a bottle of prosecco.

@Junebughustle The thing is, you don’t necessarily know how close they are at work. She might think they are great friends and might not even think anything untoward of getting him a nice gift. Have you ever met her? As I think sometimes when we don’t know someone we can build up a picture that might not necessarily be whats happening in real life. My ex was good friends with a girl and I was a bit wary about their friendship at first but when I met her I realised it was purely just friendship and she was lovely.

Fair enough then. As you've said you trust him I would just leave it then-but keep a weather eye on it going forwards... it will most likely be nothing. I think a lot of us feel a bit uneasy sometimes when our partner is paid this sort of attention-and in some ways it's quite healthy. Be more concerning if you weren't bothered at all!

It's not the gift in isolation I would have a problem with, although personally think generic gifts like a bottle of something o chocolates are more appropriate in a workplace.

It's her lack of pprofessional boundaries and your husbands. She texts outside work hours about non work related things. And she dicussed her material issues. She does this because he allows it.

He is the bigger problem.

To be honest, OP, I think if you feel a bit weird about it, then it is a bit weird.

You don't seem very intense or territorial. As a pp said, her buying him a bag that he'd admired on her some is a massive tick in the bizarro box.

Sometimes work colleagues just are very over familiar and it's not pleasant.

My ex "gifted" his work colleague a framed calligraphy copy of our Wedding Poem "Scaffolding" as he thought it made him look intelligent and sensitive as they both worked in Construction! Idiot....he was having an affair and she was that daft she thought it very romantic...they're welcome to each other!

I think it’s a bit much.
what does she say when she messages him? Is it a works WhatsApp with other colleagues or does she just send him private messages? What does she say in these messages? I’d be more concerned about that tbh.

I actually agree with Greycoats and have to disagree with wisteriaroundroundthedoor about the her comments being misogynistic. I am usually the first one to say 'for god sake stop seeing problems where there aren't any.. but if you have honestly never met a woman who manipulates situations so that a man she fancies notices her then you have some very unusual friends.

I am in my 60s but when younger numerous stupid men I've known have made the catastrophic mistake of taking what has been 'offered' ....they may not of being looking for it - in fact many weren't. However, most marriages hit bumps in the road and the more weak willed of the male species are stupid enough to eventually take up the offer. There is an expression, 'handed to them on a plate'...doesn't make it right, nonetheless it happens and never ends well . The OP is right to be wary.

I have worked for the same fabulous boss for 26 years. We occasionally exchange comments outside of work. However, never in all that time have I felt the need to get him a personalised Christmas present. It is definitely something she is hoping he will remember her for....

Oh god! I remember your post about this!

Same here!

( well apart from the last paragraph)

Oh @newlove22 that's horrible!!

There's been interesting comments here which have helped me get some balance. I haven't met her and don't know what she's generally like. Her messages are sort of her narrating what she's doing about her day, I think.

I told my husband I think she fancies him as it's such a thoughtful gift but he said she had given two other colleagues similar sweet presents.

I feel a bit better so will just take things as they come. I know that he isn't interested in her romantically or sexually so there's nothing to do but get over it for now.

That's weird...

Is she single? Those are the sort of messages you'd send to a boyfriend not your boss!

Maybe she just is a bit OTT. Maybe she's lonely and so places more importance on the relationship she has with him than she would otherwise.

As long as you're happy with the way your husband is responding, that place you in a good position.

I don't think the Christmas personalised present is a problem, it's very easy to customise things online these days. PA's work very closely with their bosses it's normal to bond.

What is a ? is the constant texts. But it sounds like it's sort of work culture were bosses and matey and friendly if he knows what bag she got her son and compliments and ACCEPTS a gift 'just because' with no occasion.

I think the instagram calendar is creepy, too intimate and not including the wife is sneaky. She gave herself away there!

I think it's more about the 6th sense than individual examples. You're picking up on "something" from this woman. It's not like it's every woman your DH has any dealings with. I'd be tempted to just have a conversation about it with DH. Sounds like you have a strong relationship so a conversation where you mention your concerns shouldn't cause any issues.

I agree with this, and I'm a similar age. I have a similar 'issue' with a woman at DH's work. I ignore less, having been the Cool Wife during my previous marriage. He was very free to do his thing, whilst I was cool and laid back. Guess what happened? Current KingSponge doesn't get the Cool Wife. She was someone else ago. I have let it be known that it isn't appreciated. I keep an eye on things as once you've been betrayed, you (or rather me, and I suspect lots of other Me's) never completely discount the possibility.

Goodness. All these conniving man stealing women are now able to get into our men's actual minds?!? Whatever can we do to protect them from being forced into affairs now?

This. Despite all the tales of manipulative women trying to run off with people's innocent husbands, it's actually very rare indeed for women to pursue their male colleagues inappropriately with no encouragement. Even more so when the man is their boss, holds all the power and can manage and control the engagement between them.
If your husband's boundaries were being crossed their relative roles mean he'd have no trouble at all in putting a stop to it if he wanted to. So either they're not, or he's fine that they are.

If you are claiming to have never done anything to be noticed by a man you fancy, I simply don't believe you.

Of course, it's up to the men how they respond but don't be so naive as to think women don't try to attract the attentions of men they like! 🤣

More than that, it's completely normal to do so and natural human behaviour. Every woman who's ever asked "How do I get him to notice me?" has done exactly that.

And some women don't care whether they're available or not. In the same way as some men don't.

Most affairs don't happen because someone has gone out looking for someone else. They happen because they have 'noticed' someone else. All relationships start because two people have noticed each other.

I don't understand the outrage tbh.

One of my colleagues was always buying gifts for people based on random things they had said, or hobbies they mentioned. She had quite severe anxiety and it made her a bit of a people-pleaser.

Of course is natural to want the attention of those we are attracted to, but that's not what you said.
You said that women are less direct and manipulate men into thinking about them.
I can honestly say I've never attempted such a thing in my life. For one thing I can't imagine bothering to make all that effort, for another outside of my teen crushes, I have never sat there thinking how do i get a man to notice me, and have never felt the need to scheme for a man's attention And for a third, I'd have zero interest in a man so malleable he could be tricked into a relationship.
I'm not outraged in the least. Slightly irritated perhaps at once again seeing women cast into stereotypical roles of conniving tempstreses and men as guiless innocents prey to their wiles. Its just such nonsense.