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Original poster

Why are men like this

70 replies

Amused742 · 20/12/2022 18:46

Looking for a bit of a vent… there’s a guy at work who I see on a daily basis in passing. We don’t work closely together but on occasion I need to contact him via email.

I have always thought he was attractive… he’s about 15 years older than me, charming, funny… not everyone’s cup of tea but I think he’s alright.

I had to email him two weeks ago (work related) and i felt a shift since then. He’s been emailing almost daily, at first it was just general how’s ur day etc… then he upped it a little. Commenting on how i look, “joking” that he will miss me wen I leave for the nite, saying my emails make his day better.

It’s all very innocent, on my part! well I think so. I have never said anything back that could be misconstrued, but today I found out he’s married! I feel bad for his wife. Why do men think this is acceptable behaviour?

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 20/12/2022 19:18

Well clearly 'this' man thinks its ok to behave like this. Its not ok and its not the general view of men. There are unacceptable behaviours that frequent both genders, however it would be unfair cast a sweeping view that we all think in a specific way. How do you think you will proceed, will you stop this cyber flirtation in its tracks and confront him with what you know?

Original poster
Amused742 · 20/12/2022 19:22

@Marineboy67 I’ll just stop. As I said I don’t believe I have reciprocated his flirting. Never claimed to miss him or commented on him in anyway. I was enjoying the conversations, always brought a smile to my face wen he emailed but it wasn’t that deep in suppose

OP posts:
Natty13 · 20/12/2022 19:26

In my experience out of all the ones who engage in this kind if flirtation in the workplace, most of them wouldn't actually engage in an affair, they do it to feel/check if they are still attractive. I've had to deal with so many upset young women who thought there was something there that would lead to a relationship then got upset once the man rejected them and informed he was married. Gaslighting shits.

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 19:27

Because there's plenty of women who still tolerate such behaviour, both as the wife and as the other woman. Men won't stop as long as they can get away with it.

Original poster
Amused742 · 20/12/2022 19:29

@Natty13 this makes sense. We work somewhere where unless ur actually in that environment you would never understand it. Could just be innocent/a way to pass the time/letting off steam on his part

OP posts:
Original poster
Amused742 · 20/12/2022 19:31

@LaLuz7 yeah I get this. Well I won’t be engaging anymore, and hopefully he sorts himself out. It’s his wife I feel for tbh

OP posts:
Woodentabletop · 20/12/2022 20:13

Marineboy67 · 20/12/2022 19:18

Well clearly 'this' man thinks its ok to behave like this. Its not ok and its not the general view of men. There are unacceptable behaviours that frequent both genders, however it would be unfair cast a sweeping view that we all think in a specific way. How do you think you will proceed, will you stop this cyber flirtation in its tracks and confront him with what you know?

I wonder why , if you say it’s ‘ not the general view of men ‘ over 80 percent of women have experienced sexual harassment at some point.
I can tell you right now that it very much IS the view of man many men
that’s why we have women be harrassed in so much larger numbers than vice versa… because it’s is a gendered issues
sure women can misbehave but if they do these things they generally do things thag both genders do like be unfaithful or lie or be flaky.
men then add to this by be sexually harassing. Treating women as second class citizens , not doing their fair share with children and house work when in relationships, domestic violence. Hiding assets after breakups etc

so sick of men and the NAM line . Sure they don’t all do it…. But a huge number do and men ( even those who don’t personally behave in those ways ) need to accept the gendered nature of these issues.

Woodentabletop · 20/12/2022 20:19

@Amused742
So many men are like this because they are taught that they are superior to women and that we are here for their visual / sexual satisfaction
basically a lack of respect for women which is heavily reinforced by society and entitlement.

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/12/2022 20:26

they do it to feel/check if they are still attractive

Just when you thought you’d seen it all a new level of cringe inducing ego thirst is unlocked….embarrassing😂

Don’t engage OP, your professional reputation is not worth tarnishing over chit chat with the office shagger/validation whore.

Original poster
Amused742 · 20/12/2022 20:27

@Marineboy67 I wasn’t insinuating all men are like this sorry if u think I was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amused742 · 20/12/2022 20:29

@Woodentabletop yeah i believe this to be the case. He has made comments that are bordering sexual, wen I have never given him reason to suspect this would be ok.

chancing his luck to see what he will get away with I guess.

it’s made me feel cheap tonite

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Original poster
Amused742 · 20/12/2022 20:33

@Woodentabletop i don’t know if it’s relevant but I work in a predominantly male workplace… falls within the “blue light” industry. And the place is basically full men thinking the very little females that are there are for the taking… so much of this going on.

also if a man sees several women within the place he’s giving a pat on the back. If a woman chose to do it she’s gutter water. I’ve heard these conversations so many times

OP posts:
Original poster
Amused742 · 20/12/2022 20:34

@Closetbeanmuncher yeah I won’t be engaging.

also u should come out the closet 🤣

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 21/12/2022 04:17

Ime, a lot of men ARE like this. I work almost solely with men too. It’s all about ego and attention for them. They need to feel validated and like they’ve “still got it”, particularly as they get older. Why? Christ knows, but it’s common as muck and frankly, dull as shit. I’ve no interest in boosting the ego of some bloke and, when they cross the line, like this man clearly has, it pisses me right off. Many years ago, a man I worked with told me I had an air of “fuck off” about me. He meant it as an insult but, he was absolutely right and I was not offended. I’m married, I’ve no interest in a sad little work fling, being the subject of office gossip, or causing pain to an unsuspecting wife and children. I’m polite and professional and I do my job, but that’s it. The rest of it gets shut down, immediately. It shouldn’t happen of course, but it does, a lot. Male entitlement is real!!!

VisaGeezer · 21/12/2022 05:23

As posters have said, it's "at best" for validation.

It's, at worst, testing the waters for a potential affair.

There are men who don't act like this, there are men who are chancers, potential cheaters etc and will always be acting like this.

In his case, he's pretty stupid because if he's gone sexually suggestive and you haven't been, he could (and arguably should) be up for disciplinary. He's put that in black and white too, not even verbal where he could argue his word against yours.

The stupidity in risking your job and income for validation or cheating .....

VisaGeezer · 21/12/2022 05:25

I suppose they get away with it so often because women don't want to "cause" an issue, they keep doing it.

VisaGeezer · 21/12/2022 05:26

Amused742 · 20/12/2022 20:33

@Woodentabletop i don’t know if it’s relevant but I work in a predominantly male workplace… falls within the “blue light” industry. And the place is basically full men thinking the very little females that are there are for the taking… so much of this going on.

also if a man sees several women within the place he’s giving a pat on the back. If a woman chose to do it she’s gutter water. I’ve heard these conversations so many times

Quite a toxic working environment by the sounds of it.

It's a good thing you're so clued in and see it for what it is.

musingsinmidlife · 21/12/2022 05:29

Did you respond to his messages? Was it a back and forth or was it all one sided and he just kept emailing you?

I am not clear if you only messaged him about work or if you here sharing banter back and forth.

VisaGeezer · 21/12/2022 05:30

I'd also say men are inclined to do this with younger women because they're a. Less likely to be coupled up yet, and b. They think they're greener and more likely to tolerate it etc.

That's quite predatory in my eyes

(I had the same incidentally, from my first jobs ... Totally inappropriate attitude from 40 yr old married senior men to early 20s woman straight out of uni).

Original poster
Amused742 · 21/12/2022 05:44

@Buildingthefuture I need to adopt this air of “fuck off” about me!! Make entitlement is real!

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Original poster
Amused742 · 21/12/2022 05:49

@musingsinmidlife no I emailed him back, not about work. Just general chat, not flirting. Nicest thing I said was have a nice day etc…

he would comments that I was “dressed to kill” that he “missed me last nite”.

I asked if I could have 15 mins of his time (work related) he said it would be “the best 15 mins of my life”

OP posts:
Same1977 · 21/12/2022 05:50

Yes a lot of men are like this. But a lot of women ,especially older ones are like this too.The differenc is men tend to take it as a compliment or brush it off.No it is not OK by any means bits not all one sided and its not all men

Original poster
Amused742 · 21/12/2022 05:51

@VisaGeezer ur right… I don’t want to cause a fuss. But the emails will be shut down as of today.

another married man will get away with crossing the line with a younger female colleague due to women (especially in my industry) not having a voice

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Original poster
Amused742 · 21/12/2022 05:52

@Same1977 I’ve no doubt women do this too. And as I’ve said earlier I shouldn’t have insinuated all men are like this. Apologies

OP posts:
VisaGeezer · 21/12/2022 05:56

I asked if I could have 15 mins of his time (work related) he said it would be “the best 15 mins of my life”

Where is the vom emoji.

Fk, you wish their wives could see this and know what they're really married to.

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