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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is so disrespectful- just need to vent

52 replies

CloudyDreamerZZZ · 19/12/2022 18:25

Living with my husband is like living with another child/a teenage boy.

We have a son who is 2 and since he was born I find things have got worse.

He comes in from work and sits on his phone majority of the time on TikTok or Facebook watching a lot of crap basically.

He never tidies up after himself and would leave clothes and mess everywhere if I didn't put it away.

I usually make dinner and before he would at least tidy it up but now it's left to me or dumped in the kitchen on the counter.

I get up with my son every morning and even on weekends when my husband isn't working he lies in bed till 9.30-10 o'clock when I've been up since 6.30 sometimes. He said it's the only 'time off' he gets.

He has started a new job which is quite flexible so he is home more and sometimes finished work at 12 o'clock. Still I come home from work to nothing done.

He said I'm no fun now and nothing he does makes me laugh. His idea of a joke for example tonight was throwing a wet nappy at my face while I was standing doing the dishes. This was after lying on the couch snoozing while I'm doing washing, tidying up etc.

He is really pissing me off. He is a good dad and spends time with our son when he can but it's like I should thank him for doing it.

When he does do anything around the house he feels the need to announce it like oh did you see I emptied the bins for you or did you see I emptied the dishwasher for you.

All this while still expecting me to be turned on a want sex at the drop of a hat. Don't think so!!!

Just needed to rant!!!

OP posts:
Bedazzled22 · 19/12/2022 18:31

Well, at least he does the dishwasher for YOU sometimes…. Heavens above. He sounds like a man child.

I think it’s your turn for lie in or two at the weekend…

GlitteryShinyShit · 19/12/2022 18:31

No I couldn't be doing with that.
YANBU.
It's not your job to train him to act like a decent human being.

The wet nappy "joke"- that would have made my piss boil.

Vaccine001 · 19/12/2022 18:33

He is a man child. Must make you feel sick. I can't help you. My partner is great around the House, tends to our child's needs bit he speaks to me in arude tone and is mostly a difficult person and has never been fun. Why do we bother?

venusandmars · 19/12/2022 18:36

You need to do so much more than 'just vent'.

You need him to take some responsibility - at least for his own share of the mess.

Was he always like this? Did things change when you had dc? Do you work or did you 'accidentally' take on all the domestic responsibility without actually having a discussion about it?

Venting here isn't going to do much. Your frustration will remain. As will his laziness.

monsteramunch · 19/12/2022 18:40

How on earth can you label this man a 'good dad'?

Read your post back objectively and ask yourself if he is really a genuinely good father to his child.

A genuinely good father wants their child to live in a happy, healthy, clean, loving home where family members enjoy spending time together.

He's making all of those things impossible due an absence of effort and complete lack of giving one single fuck.

How you can stand to be near him, let alone shag him, is beyond me.

It doesn't have to be like this.

His idea of a joke for example tonight was throwing a wet nappy at my face while I was standing doing the dishes.

He didn't genuinely think this would make you laugh and smile. He did it because he thought it was funny. Because he finds it amusing to make you feel like shit. The contempt someone has to have for someone to throw a wet nappy at them is something I just couldn't get past.

Original poster
CloudyDreamerZZZ · 19/12/2022 18:42

@Bedazzled22 he is indeed a man child.

When he lived at home (he hasn't got 8 years now) his mum did everything for him. Tidied his room, did all the cooking, cleaning, washing you name it.

He's always been messy but I think it gets to me more now I have him and a child to deal with. He has times when he can be helpful but most of the time it's a shit show.

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudyDreamerZZZ · 19/12/2022 18:43

@GlitteryShinyShit I went mental and that's when he said I'm no fun I don't find anything funny.

I said no because your an adult and that's not funny.

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudyDreamerZZZ · 19/12/2022 18:44

@Vaccine001 I don't know. I'm mentally drained of also having to think of everything. Example- his sisters birthday this week and he puts zero thought into a gift and it's left to me to go and get.

OP posts:
DaftyInTheMiddle · 19/12/2022 18:45

He’s not a good dsd if he’s treating you like a domestic servant, hardly a good role model for your child’s future relationships. And being a “good” dad doesn’t mean he can’t be a fucking wankstain of a partner.

Original poster
CloudyDreamerZZZ · 19/12/2022 18:46

@venusandmars he said the things I want done are unnecessary. When we lived in our old house he had a room for his stuff and honestly it was vile. Clothes lying everywhere. With a child I cannot let this house get the same so I pick it up.

Also mess gives me anxiety and makes me feel horrible so I can't leave it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudyDreamerZZZ · 19/12/2022 18:47

@monsteramunch

When I compare him to my friends partners he is more involved. Maybe we all have arsehole partners!!

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 19/12/2022 18:48

His idea of a joke for example tonight was throwing a wet nappy at my face while I was standing doing the dishes.

See, this right here would have me filing for divorce. That's assault in my opinion and will probably get worse as he has no respect for you whatsoever.

Original poster
CloudyDreamerZZZ · 19/12/2022 18:48

@DaftyInTheMiddle

I know it's not a good example to our son. This is what my husbands dad is also like. His mum didn't work so his dad treated her like a servant and spoke to and still does speak to her like shit.

OP posts:
EVHead · 19/12/2022 18:49

So many men on MN like this! 😡

Time for a proper serious conversation. You are not his mum. It is not your job to do everything.

Why doesn’t he clear up after you’ve cooked any more?

When do you get down time?

If he won’t engage, stop doing anything for him.

And especially sod buying gifts or cards for his family! If he doesn’t sort it, it’s not done.

Original poster
CloudyDreamerZZZ · 19/12/2022 18:52

@EVHead

I don't know what changed honestly. Well I do, I went part time when my son was born so now all I get is I work full time.

So to him that's an excuse for me to do everything.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2022 18:54

Sadly, you have chosen very, very poorly. Did you think he would magically change into a respectful, capable adult? I ask this sincerely because you've always know what he's like. He won't change and he will stay exactly like his father. Your marriage is already over unless you choose to become your mother-in-law.

PrinceHaz · 19/12/2022 18:55

Try to look into the future. In you retirement , do you want to be sitting with this man looking back on your happy to life together, or are you more likely to think what a waste of a good life that could have been?
In my opinion, it’s almost guaranteed this manchild won’t change. You would have to put enormous amounts of draining energy into training him, and why should you have to?
You either stay, knowing you’ll be bitter for ever or consider a life of dignity and self respect without him.

PinkHeadphones · 19/12/2022 18:56

CloudyDreamerZZZ · 19/12/2022 18:44

@Vaccine001 I don't know. I'm mentally drained of also having to think of everything. Example- his sisters birthday this week and he puts zero thought into a gift and it's left to me to go and get.

Don't do it then. I have never bought a gift for any of DHs relatives on his behalf, only if I am buying them something specifically from me. Why on earth would I? He wouldn't buy gifts from me to my siblings, that would be weird?

EllaPaella · 19/12/2022 18:57

I can't believe he threw a wet nappy at your face! 😕

ShangPie · 19/12/2022 19:17

OP time to quietly but determinedly go on strike - withdraw all services and support from him. Take care of yourself and your DS, and do as much / little housework as you can face, but don’t do ANYTHING for him.

No laundry, no ironing, no cleaning, no restocking his stuff that runs out, no life admin (family gifts FFS), etc. If he’s treating you like an appliance, it’s time for you to break down!

If he doesn’t clean it himself to a decent standard, he pays for a cleaner out of his paycheck or you reduce what you put into the joint account by that amount.

One option to get him up and out on the weekends is to sign him up to take DS to some kind of kids club on Saturday morning - football, rugby, swimming, whatever he has a vague interest in and could feasibly be persuaded to do. That way you get a guaranteed hour without him on a weekend.

But realistically, he won’t change no matter what happens, so your long-term options are pretty stark.

pinneddownbytabbies · 19/12/2022 19:28

"for you"? "FOR YOU"?

What part of squeezing a baby out of your chuff makes you his servant?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 19/12/2022 19:33

CloudyDreamerZZZ · 19/12/2022 18:52

@EVHead

I don't know what changed honestly. Well I do, I went part time when my son was born so now all I get is I work full time.

So to him that's an excuse for me to do everything.

You actually work full time too, part time at work, the rest of the time is spent looking after your son and that equates to work.
Does he think you sit on your arse during the time you’re not at your job?
TELL him you’re not his mother, and you’re not married to his father, there is only one child in the household not two and is time for him to grow and take responsibility for himself, to clean up after himself, when he empties the bin or dishwasher, he’s not doing it FOR you, he’s doing it as his contribution to the running of the household.
Throwing a wet nappy at you is contemptuous, it’s not funny in the slightest.
Oh and don’t buy his sister a gift. Remind him once and no more.

Petersonuk · 19/12/2022 19:37

I'm a 36yo man.. I cannot imagine ever wanting to download TikTok or Snapchat or similar degenerate app.

Bestcatmum · 19/12/2022 19:43

I think its absolutely tragic that men still view women as domestic servants who should drop their pants on demand. Id sooner shave my head than live with a man like that.

monsteramunch · 19/12/2022 19:43

I know it's not a good example to our son. This is what my husbands dad is also like. His mum didn't work so his dad treated her like a servant and spoke to and still does speak to her like shit.

Please break this cycle OP.

Or your currently lovely little boy is likely to repeat it. He deserves the chance to be a better man than his dad and grandfather.

To be a decent man who respects women and sees them as his equals.

The chance of him ending up with those respectful views is so, so, so much less likely the longer he sees his mum being treated this way.