Husband is so disrespectful- just need to vent

[CloudyDreamerZZZ]

Living with my husband is like living with another child/a teenage boy.

We have a son who is 2 and since he was born I find things have got worse.

He comes in from work and sits on his phone majority of the time on TikTok or Facebook watching a lot of crap basically.

He never tidies up after himself and would leave clothes and mess everywhere if I didn't put it away.

I usually make dinner and before he would at least tidy it up but now it's left to me or dumped in the kitchen on the counter.

I get up with my son every morning and even on weekends when my husband isn't working he lies in bed till 9.30-10 o'clock when I've been up since 6.30 sometimes. He said it's the only 'time off' he gets.

He has started a new job which is quite flexible so he is home more and sometimes finished work at 12 o'clock. Still I come home from work to nothing done.

He said I'm no fun now and nothing he does makes me laugh. His idea of a joke for example tonight was throwing a wet nappy at my face while I was standing doing the dishes. This was after lying on the couch snoozing while I'm doing washing, tidying up etc.

He is really pissing me off. He is a good dad and spends time with our son when he can but it's like I should thank him for doing it.

When he does do anything around the house he feels the need to announce it like oh did you see I emptied the bins for you or did you see I emptied the dishwasher for you.

All this while still expecting me to be turned on a want sex at the drop of a hat. Don't think so!!!

Just needed to rant!!!

I had this issue with my DH - in the end it was agreed that he sort his family and I sort mine!!

his mum did everything for him. Tidied his room, did all the cooking, cleaning, washing you name it.

And now you are being his mum.
Men are like this because women enable them to be. You need rid of this loser. Throwing a wet nappy in your face is him showing what he feels about you - contempt.

It worries me that so many women on Mumsnet live like this and always call these waster men 'good dads'. Do they not realise the damage being done to their children?

First of all his sister doesn't get a present unless he buys one. My husband has 2 sisters, I've never bought a card or a present for them in our 15 years together. They are his sisters.

Then make plans to leave as this isn't going to get better. Look at his dad and mum, he's not going to break that cycle.

He is a good dad and spends time with our son when he can

Except he doesn't, does he? What about the four hours from 6:30 til he gets up at 10:30?

He isn't a good dad or a good partner. He doesn't sound like he adds anything to your life, @CloudyDreamerZZZ!

Send him home to mummy and tell her when she's taught him to adult you'll take him back.

It's not left to you unless you take it upon yourself. Why would you?

Dreadful. Cannot relate. Dh always whizzing around doing house stuff / laundry/ washing up etc. He gets his own family presents. And he has a “big” job - yours sounds pathetic.

go on strike. He sounds bloody useless.

Good dad? You really think so?
Throwing a wet nappy at your face was disgusting. How hard would he have laughed if you’d done it to him?

I'd speak to a lawyer ASAP about how assets etc would be divided if you want to leave. I agree with other posters - there is no possibility of change and your son deserves the chance to be better than this.

I get what you are saying about not being able to leave the house a mess when you have a child but I don't understand why you can't split chores and establish rules like e.g. 'I cook, you clean", "I wash, you fold the dry washing", "I sleep in Saturday, you sleep in sunday" etc. I work part time so I do slightly more than DP but he still does help out and do his share (there's a lot of complaints but I hold firm - even the best of men will take a mile if you give them an inch in my experience!). Otherwise it isn’t a relationship, it's slavery. And don't buy presents for his family - when inevitably his DSis doesn't get a pressie then that's on him, and if his family doesn't like it - then tough. Should have raised him better then. Honestly unless you are going for a sainthood I don't see what you are getting out of this - everyone deserves a true partner to go through life with.

This is 100% my life.
Well, it was!

Currently partially separated and he is pursuing an adhd diagnosis.

My argument is, adhd or not, I can't live like this. So he's not living here 80% of the time. We are headed for divorce, not that he believes me or will engage with it.

I can't and won't live like a servant, and raise children seeing it and thinking it's okay.

Like you, OP, his mother did everything for him, and still does!

You know what he's like. And he doesn't want to change, why would he? So what will you do?

What are you going to do OP?

If he thinks that staying at home looking after the kids doesnt count as work and it's actually a nice rest (so you should do his share of everything) then he should get off his ass and help. He cant have it both ways - childcare is a rest for you, so you do all the chores...but he is tired from work and cant possibly pull his weight with kids and house because it's not a rest.

Do you still love him? Do you want to stay together? You could:

• Go and stay with friends for a few days, see how hard he finds it
• Go back to work full time and insist everything is split 50 50 so he has no excuse. Alternatively if he works 5 days and you do 3, you both go 4 days. So he can get a nice rest at home too
• Chuck him out to make him see how seriously you are taking it. tell him that he is only coming back if he agrees to equal leisure time (and looking after the kids counts as work) and does his share (but you've got to mean it
• stop doing anything for him. You dont like mess, buy a couple of plastic tote bins and chuck his clothes, his mess, his crockery that he doesn't wash, just save some for you or buy and hide paper plates and stuff for a while. Don't cook for him, remind him of anything or bother with him.
• try and find a way of accepting it though the resentment will probably eventually split you up
• get a third party involved. Vicar, family friend, marriage counsellor etc

I think I've turned into a bit of a 'bore' and 'no fun' since having 3 children/very little free time/daily drudgery so I tried my best to see your OH's side until I got to the part where he threw a nappy at you while you were washing up. I'm seriously fuming on your behalf and if anyone ever did that to me I would piss on a feather pillow 10 times a day for a whole week until it was absolutely sodden. I would then hit them as hard as I could with it in the face while they were 'lying in bed at 10 in the morning' and act so confused when they didn't see the funny side

Also, leave every single bit of mess he makes for as long as you can stand it (including his dirty pants on the floor), then invite all his family round for a quick brew whilst he's snoring on the sofa with his video games on in the background. Make sure you open the front door before they knock so he doesn't wake up until they are in the house x

Sigh OP.
The nappy alone would have been it for me.
However if you have the energy,
organise a time to have a conversation with him - away from the house perhaps.
Tell him you will not be raising a child in an environment where the mother is a skivvy to be disrespected.
Tell him what things have to change. Be very specific about what those things are. Write them down.
Tell him if he doesn’t agree that’s fine, it’s over.
Before this chat make sure you have taken advice on how to go about separating so you can tell him what the next steps will be if he does not agree.

Good luck OP. He sounds like a tedious turd. If he won’t change you will be far far better without him

I just can’t relate to staying with someone like this.

I had all that crap and more form my ex and decided life on my own without the stress and strain he added to the workload and mental crap would be so much better.

the kids were calmer as we had an undisturbed routine, the house was cleaner and calmer and I wasn’t expected to provide sex on tap when he wanted it.

I haven’t regretted it once.

He’s not a ‘good dad’ - from what you describ it sounds like he is a playmate for your children rather than a father.

Adults need to take responsibility for running a household and taking responsibility for their children’s care.

You will know this already, but you aren’t in a healthy relationship. He won’t change his behaviour as he views you as a domestic servant.

It’s up to you now whether or not you think there being any opportunity for him to change his mindset through something like couples counselling, or if it’s best just to give him the boot.

I could of written this myself! Including the nappy throwing etc!!! I had many a conversation and even wrote letters to my ex explaining I couldn't live like that anymore, nothing ever changed I got rid. And honestly not regretted it a single minute because living alone being a single mum is a million times easier than living with a man child

But he’s not a good dad! Leave the lazy shit.

Bad news coming, he's not likely to change. He has a deeply entrenched view of the roles of men and women in the home, passed to him by his parents, who he probably idolises, and who probably still reinforce these patriarchal beliefs. He will see you as the problem, as he doesn't attach any value to your unpaid work as a carer for your child or him (it's just what wives and mums should do, right!). You've married a traditionalist, and the more you ask him to change, the more threatened he will become, and the more he will turn it on you as a nag, someone who doesn't get or support him etc. Your only chance of freedom in the relationship is to outsource as much as you can afford to cleaners and childcare providers, because he won't be doing it. More bad news coming, it gets harder and more difficult the more kids you have, if you are doing it all, as you are stretched ever thinner. YANBU, but you either leave him or outsource domestic work.

What is the point of you and he being together at all now?. What are you getting out of this relationship?. Do not stay with such a man for the supposed sake of your son.

It is his sole responsibility to buy presents for his side of the family; not yours. Do not further become his PA/social secretary.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. He is neither a good dad to his son nor good husband to you.

You need to do so much more than 'just vent'. Venting is all well and good but the underlying problem i.e. him and his inherent attitudes remain.

Youve literally become his mum. She handed the reins over to you when he left home and you carried on mothering him.

any cards/gifts for his family - stop giving headspace to. He should remember and organise these himself.

do you want to carry this on or split up? Just know, unless he completely changes, he will promise to change, half heartedly do jobs youve asked for eg washing up/hoovering but leave food on plates/miss patches of carpet etc so you will take it back on.