Is anyone really happy?

[everydayisthesame]

I don't understand how anyone is actually happy with mundane daily life. I am married, no major problems with DH, just normal bickering. I have a child, lovely and kind but hard work. Have a career which challenges me and allows me to progress. Good relationship with family and friends but I just feel so blah. Every day feels the same, wake up, parent, work, random household duties (split between myself and DH), more parenting, probably bicker with DH, stress at dc for not listening, go to bed and do it all again. I'm bored and exhausted; seems so long ago that I felt really happy but cant identify what is making me feel this way other than boredom. I don't have hobbies or see people as much as I'd like because I'm tired all the time, especially in winter.

Do other people feel this way or is everyone else elated living the daily grind she having so much fun simply watching crap tv with partner / family?

I think you are possibly right. I have the history for it but hate taking medication!

I hope some lifestyle changes can help me to get out of this rut.

No but I'm due a check up at the drs so will ask, thank you x

I'm 45 and genuinely really happy with my life.

I don't have children though!

I have a lovely partner who thinks I'm wonderful, work part time only and have lots of hobbies and social outings.

Not sure how much that helps but it is absolutely possible to be happy with life.

I do struggle to find people to talk to about parenting issues. My friends are either childless by choice or have neurotypical children and think I need to be stricter etc. so although they are great in many ways it often feels like I am segmented, if that makes sense.

I think being a working mum is exhausting, it doesn't seem to stop!

I sympathise with this. Youngest now 8, stressful job, no cash to get help with housework. But in the last year I've tried to snatch time to do emotionally rewarding things, even if it's only 15 mins a day. Reading novels, carefully finding great films rather than rubbish TV, and pursuing my hobby which is music.

You can't get rid of the drudgery of life, but are there minutes when you are on phone or watching TV that could be upgraded to something more rewarding?

It helps a lot because I sometimes think that most people are going through the motions, which several posters have mirrored.

I need to up my efforts of finding joy

This is where I am going wrong. I waste the moments when I could be catching up with friends, reading, writing or enjoying music but I don't. I just sit numbing my brain with crap

I think you might be in a bit of a viscious cycle.

Your life is stressful and tiring (as well as the rewarding parts) and you don't sleep well, so you're tired. So you have no energy to do fun things / to take up a hobby or have a night out. So over time you lose the 'fun' part of life / forget who you are / don't have the reinvigoration that 'me time' can bring. So you feel more stressed and more tired. And your sleep is affected so you're more exhausted. So you're even less inclined to take up a hobby or exercise or meet a friend for an evening out. Or, importantly, to enjoy down time with your DH.

It would be sensible to talk to your GP to see if there could be some depression going on, and get some treatement if so. But, either way, can you force yourself to start making small changes? You will start to feel the benefits and that will encourage more changes.

And get rid of any ideas that it's wrong to want time to yourself as a mother. It's actually really sensible and healthy, and good for children to see. And the outcomes will be good for you and your son.

You aren't alone. It will get better.

We have a 9 year old and have now started to find hobbies. DH is in a band. I joined a choir and learning to play drums.

Your post resonates with so many other women so you're not alone and I hope that helps. I also look back so fondly at my twenties and early thirties (basically before I was married!) and remember the absolute fun and optimism of those years, I always wonder do other women my age all feel this drop in enthusiasm for life or is it just me?

You badly need to carve out some time for yourself, no matter what that is. Do you like dogs? I find great joy in being a dog mum (although brings more responsibility), they are so easy to make happy (unlike my 3 teenagers!) and my dog means I have to get out for an hour a day. I always feel better after it, have discovered lots of beautiful places nearby for dog walkers and always end up chatting to other dog owners.

Not for everyone but if you had to be out of the house for a period a few times a week your DH and DC would have to cope without you and that would give you great freedom.

Good luck and thanks for the nice discussion.

Find your thing

^This. It's easy to underestimate how much difference it can make when you carve out a little bit of time to do something new for you.

My hobbies (knitting, crochet and spinning) probably sound very 'old lady' to someone who's missing their nightclubbing days , but I absolutely love them, because there is always a new and more advanced technique to learn. It makes my brain work in a different way from in my job, I get to do something manual, practical and physically creative (not like in my job), I get to choose and buy nice equipment and materials, and I make things I can use and enjoy.

My job involves being with lots of people all day and talking a lot, so although it would be nice to meet new people, I don't actually feel like joinjng a club etc. Besides, a creative hobby might allow you some headspacd while not having to deal with your dc's separation anxiety.

Maslow would say that your basic (deficiency) needs are met, now your growth needs are the next step, and working towards achieving self actualisation is the peak.
Self actualisation is different for everyone, but it may include things like self development, being comfortable in your own skin, knowing your joys and boundaries, not sweating small stuff, living authentically, practising charity, thankfulness, etc.

Annoyingly, it's left of the bottom basic layer, like food, shelter, etc.

I love Maslow, but I think I feel that I've peaked in a lot of ways and although future career development is on the cards (I am already a senior manager) I know that will bring more stress and less time but the feminist in me craves that.

I've always wanted to write a book, used to love writing so that's a nice easy one to take up again.

Lots of good advice here OP, but one thing stuck out for me about this being a recent creep. Could it be a seasonal thing and winter is making it worse?

A quick fix is to get to Holland & Barrett and buy the highest dose of Vitamin D supplements you can find. I take 5,000 - 10,000 IU daily in the winter (which is something mad like 3000% of the UK RDA!) and it definitely makes a difference.

Hobbies - I have many and so did both my parents. I don't watch TV unless Netflix on my tablet while doing housework, or spend much time on my phone/social media apart from my commute time really. I have more mental headspace and energy for it. Start small and it will snowball.

I saw a quote recently that said "you don't need to be any good at your hobbies as long as they make you happy" and I loved it because its so true.

I think people have different bars for happiness, don't they? For some, as long as there's nothing horribly wrong, they're content. Others need more. I was always one of the latter. Could never understand how people seemed happy with such mundane things. Always felt like I was waiting for something to turn the lights on.
As I've got older it's passed and now I'm one of the content ones. Easily pleased with small things. Not sure why, but suspect it's because my life is easier now so better overall and i look after my diet and health, which lifts me. But also because I've experienced some real misery and unhappiness, and learned to recognise when I'm well off.
I won't lie I do still get the odd 'is this all it it then?' but am better at knowing how to cheer myself up.

I get you OP.
My life is pretty good but sometimes I get so bored of the routine of it all. My life used to be crazy exciting!
Then I remind myself that I could be dead and then I feel grateful again!!
Think of the small joyful things you can enjoy or plan something nice.

Oh 100% winter makes things feel worse. Harder to go for a nice walk when it's super icy. Dark all the time when I'm a sun lover. Will deffo try some vit D supplements :)

Yes they really do, I can't remember feeling so blah before but life was a party and I had no responsibility other than to myself. Now I've got what I wanted and it is an anticlimax, I know I need new focus

So many people saying similar really helps me feel less shitty about it. I am grateful for every opportunity I have had and all the people I love, I just need a break to care for my own needs, even just once a month

I think there are several points to this. Happiness comes in waves. Peaks and troughs. It's not always going to be sunshine and roses. If it was, then you wouldn't feel like you were happy. You need that contrast.

Also, I do think that in the world we live in, our expectations of "happiness" are a lot higher. With the popularity of social media, we are living in a world where we are constantly comparing what we have to what other people have. We are watching everyone's highlights and comparing it to our own reality,

I went through a phase where I thought "is this it? Is this what life is? Just mundane repetition". And I guess what changed for me is I found things to look forward to. That could be booking a holiday, arranging regular dinners with friends, or even just learning a musical instrument. I think it's so important to have future events to look forward to, and a good hobby that you can really get your teeth stuck into.

I hear you @everydayisthesame I'm mid 40s married with an asd child of similar age. On the surface I should have nothing to complain about but I feel similar. I'm questioning whether I want this for the rest of my life, or if I'd be silly to thr an ok but mediocre life away.

I do now do some things for myself like a day off, bath which is sometimes hard without interruptions and lately a night away, and I do feel selfish but I'm much more tolerant and present for having that time for myself. I also think hrt and vitamin d helps my mood too.

I totally hear what you’re saying. I don’t think it’s you, I think it’s the system. Who could be absolutely delighted having to work all day just to pay the bills, buy food and keep a roof over their head at night? Do that on repeat for years and years, eventually retire, sit freezing because you can’t afford to put the heating on and call that a life 🤦🏻‍♀️ We weren’t put on this planet to spend our time like this, it’s so tragic when you really properly think about it.

I think looking back I used to feed ‘happy’ or I certainly used to feel carefree when I would go on nights out in my late teens/early 20s. I really didn’t have a care in the world and we’d buy drinks until we had no money left and absolutely nothing else mattered. Wake up the next morning hungover, work was just to make money to buy clothes or go on another night out. Thinking back though one of the main differences was the lack of a constant form of social media. We had things like bebo and Facebook on our computers but it was for a bulk upload of your photos from your camera, you didn’t update people on your night out as it was happening or have stories. Now I think everyone has fell into the trap of just doing everything to try and impress other people. I’m really happy in terms of the fact I have a little boy who is amazing but im a bit flat feeling in terms of life in general, I can’t remember the last time I had that rush of proper delight

I can resonate with so many of the posts on here, including OP.
I am 50 with teen DCs and a DH. I work 50 hours/week. I do everything at home including life admin/bills/finances/ laundry/food shopping/cleaning/tidying/sorting/arranging. My home to-do list is never-ending. I don't know what would make me happy TBH. Maybe:
Get to the bottom of my to-do list (cost is a factor)
Get the house as I want it (cost is a huge factor of this)
Lose the weight I have been wanting to do for many years (I'm currently giving this a huge push this year)
Sort out all the things I have been trying to sort/need to sort. Time is a huge factor for this. I only get weekends and then they usually get snatched up doing other things. I get overwhelmed if house things get on top of me.

But if I did it all then what ????

I feel like I am just coasting until I get all these things done, until we pay off all the debt (2024) - will either of those things come/happen ?