Is anyone really happy?

[everydayisthesame]

I don't understand how anyone is actually happy with mundane daily life. I am married, no major problems with DH, just normal bickering. I have a child, lovely and kind but hard work. Have a career which challenges me and allows me to progress. Good relationship with family and friends but I just feel so blah. Every day feels the same, wake up, parent, work, random household duties (split between myself and DH), more parenting, probably bicker with DH, stress at dc for not listening, go to bed and do it all again. I'm bored and exhausted; seems so long ago that I felt really happy but cant identify what is making me feel this way other than boredom. I don't have hobbies or see people as much as I'd like because I'm tired all the time, especially in winter.

Do other people feel this way or is everyone else elated living the daily grind she having so much fun simply watching crap tv with partner / family?

Regardless of PM or anything else, life is pretty boring especially when you have young kids. They are just fucking hard work and it doesn’t get any easier either. Teens are a mare and you then start running around after parents. The best time of your life is as a child and early adulthood. You just don’t realise it at the time. As soon as you jump on the conveyor belt of life it turns to shit.

I completely hear you!

I am really, genuinely happy. A pp mentioned the research that has been done on happiness - there are things you can actively do eg practise gratitude, do things for others, be part of a group with a goal or ideal that's bigger than yourself.

Having said that, life with small kids or kids with additional needs is repetitive and tedious. Things improve as they grow up and you can get some independence back.

Is your DC having therapy for his separation anxiety? You can't always be around for your DC, sometimes they have to be separated from you. When you work, and just as importantly when you need couple time.

I agree, 40 is a bit of a funny age - it really made me question my life choices because I felt like I was bedding in to head into middle age. Actually I ended up getting divorced because I realised I wasn't keen on where things were heading - no regrets at all.
Not advocating that! Just remember that feeling of asking myself questions about the meaning of life.

I had not considered age to be a factor, but I think that may be a factor as I do think all the exciting things are finished. I suppose it's could be realisation of what do I do now? I got married, had a child, excelled in my career and now I don't have any goals. I need to work out what I want to achieve in this part of my life and I do need to devote some time to myself for a hobby or similar to find energy again.

Friends. Seeing my friends makes my life so much more fun. I know I'm lucky to have this and often say I don't know what I would do without them we have a blast when we are together. Every Friday night usually

I felt this way in my early forties. My dd is also ASD so I totally get you. I was bored. Everything felt like such an effort. I just felt very very flat.

Then a couple if life changing stressful and scary life events took place in my family. And I sat there one night in tears praying for the life we'd had before. I'd have given anything to go back to that so called boring life I used to have.

Things have now passed and are better although I'm now left with life changing medical problems. But I'm grateful everyday for the little things. I take time each day to really appreciate the life I have, the people in it and the future we can have. And that very much helps me. I give myself little goals or things to look forward to and that definitely gives me some drive to keep going.

I’m pretty happy at 60, if you’d asked me at 40 I would have been too exhausted by DC to think of a response! It does get better OP, a lot better. For me it was: getting a dog; getting divorced; settling at a level in my career that is high but not the highest; discovering new hobbies; rediscovering old friends; rediscovering sex; falling in love with a man who adores and cherishes me; focusing on my health. I’ve never found mundane things to be boring though, and every day that I’m healthy and alive i count as a bonus after witnessing my poor mother struggle with being an invalid from age 46. Finally: supplements ( esp vitamin D)!

That thought process describes how I felt - like I'd steadily been climbing a mountain, got to the top and found the view wasnt quite as good as I had been expecting!

But living in these times, we have so many more options than the women who went before us.

I feel the way you do, no joy in nothing, but I think mine is peri.
You need to prioritise sleep. I’d suggest you start wit a couple of Epsom salt baths a week (sit in it for 20 minutes) and take some magnesium at night. Then get into a good nighttime routine. Mine is bed and read at 10pm, lights out by 10.30. No phone/tablet in the room.

I do think you get to an age where you think, is this it, is this what I’ve been slogging my guts out for ?
Im 50 now. I devoted my 20’s and 30’s to my kids, giving up my career and working when I could, now they are grown up and don’t need me and my marriage is crap. I feel really unsettled and don’t know how to get the old me back.
I can’t work out if this is normal for my age, peri, or post pandemic.

Yes, I quietly agree (may be pessimistic)
Youth is lost on the young

I think it's the little (or big) goals I am missing. I am extremely grateful for what I have and know I'm lucky in many ways and do need to get back to practising gratitude

It's a strange feeling, it's like devoting yourself to everything else and then waking up one day and thinking, what do I do now? The youthful hopes and aspirations seem to be distant memories

I feel the same. I have everything to be thankful for but still find daily life so tedious.
I do try to make a conscious effort to be grateful for what I have, but it still doesn't leave me feeling 'happy'
I also have to have something to look forward to like a day trip or a holiday. However even that is difficult right now as having a young baby makes everything hard work. I'm not depressed, I'm just bored!

OP, I hear you. I turned 40 and still felt good but a couple of years in I went as fist as a pancake. Had husband, DD with SEN, lived in a lovely area … but nothing for ‘me’.
I also love music and - long story short - I’m 54 now and have been singing in bands for about 12 years. My DD has grown up and has her own stuff and friends that she gets on with seeing. My marriage didn’t survive, sadly, but we had other issues.
Find that ‘thing’ and do it for you, I think it could be the key and could make all the difference to your life.

Flat, not fist !

It's good, albeit sad, to hear that others feel, or have felt similar. I do think I should find a social hobby, time to be me once in a while but I don't know what. I think ingrained misogyny makes me feel that I should want to be at home, looking after my family, every minute of the non working day so maybe I have some misplaced guilt for wanting some time for me

Last year I went to London to visit one of my best friends and his partner.

They took care of me and fussed over me, cooked for me, took me to galleries, a play and nights out.

I stayed three days and I have a disabled 6 year old disabled son and a four year old daughter.

My husband had them for those days and my parents helped. My Mam did think it had been too much time away for my son, but ultimately, I needed the space to fill my cup back up iyswim.

Can you do that or anything similar?

Your OP is the secret to being happy. The way you describe all the mundane things in life, well it doesnt really get much better. You can fill life with hundreds of holidays, cars, houses etc, but if you are not content with your partner, your family, your job (To a point) then tbh you will always be chasing the next best thing.

We have been programmed as a society to want more and more. Well i am happy now, i was happy at 21 and as long as things dont get worse i expect to be happy forever as long as i have my family, my home and my job. The rest are just little bumps in life to me.

What excites you OP? What do you really find interesting? You need novelty and excitement in your life.

My DH needs physical thrills, adrenaline, so needs to have days of motorbikes, jet skis etc.

I find creative things stimulating. So it can be painting or writing or even growing a flower, something that takes focus, something you have to learn a new skill, something that has a product , an outcome, a goal, that you can look at and feel satisfied.

If you like music, does learning an instrument appeal, or perhaps singing in a choir?

Doing something kind for someone else gives me a real boost. Even very simple things like letting someone out in traffic, giving a compliment to a stranger etc.

Some more ideas here , although if you don't get any pleasure from anything I'd wonder whether the depression might be creeping in again and some medication might help.

actionforhappiness.org/10-keys

My DD is currently going through the assesment for ASD. Shes 8 so not far off your boy. It is...heartbreaking and relentless. If your situation was anything like mine then an ASD diagnosis is just the tip of a very big iceberg, I knew she was different as early as 1 month old. I broke up with her dad, so now I do get some time to rest when he has her. My DD is still incredibly attached to me too, fortunately she's OK with her dad too...partly as a result of the split she had to form a relationship with him on their own terms. I cant imagine it being solely me still. Perhaps you need to try and put down some small boundaries. Like. On a Saturday, mum goes out for a walk by herself for an hour or 2. I'm not sure how tolerant your DC would be of that? Maybe sweeten the deal with something after you come back. The point being to carve out even a small hour each week where you aren't anything to anyone else. And over time as they adjust, make a little more time here and there. What youre feeling is natural, dont beat yourself up, I felt incredibly alone until I met a mum at school whose daughter was the same. I could finally talk openly about how it is without judgement or fear of 'not being grateful' or being given pointless parenting tips. More than anything, I hear you and I understand. You're not alone x

My child had ASD and is overly attached to me, won't go anywhere without me, very upset if I go anywhere, argues with DH whenever he tries to do homework/bedtime etc, which we think is a way to ensure I take over the activity.

I would think that's your answer then.

I have an ND child too, but don't experience this particular challenge, and would find it incredibly hard. It seems very logical to me that with this level of pressure, you'd feel exhausted and listless.

I know you've said you don't think it is, but to me this sounds exactly like mild depression. That loss of purpose/meaning, not enjoying things you would usually enjoy (like reading), feeling tired and lacking in energy, not looking forward to things, drop in concentration. All signs, even if you don't feel "depressed".

I would normally say watchful waiting would be appropriate at this level, but if you've had treated depression before, I'd go and see a GP sooner rather than later.

Hi I have felt like this since my early 40s (also have a history of depression) I am peri-menopausal and have definitely felt more meh with life. Have you had your levels checked? X