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Original poster

DH is very close with his SIL

76 replies

Namechange11223 · 18/12/2022 08:01

Interested to hear WWYD…

DH and I together several years, want to try for a baby next year. No indication that anything is off, he is attentive and loving as usual with me. DH has a brother who is married to the woman I’ll refer as SIL, they have 2 children.

  • DP and his SIL regularly text. She often sends him photos of her children.
  • they meet for coffee about 1 per month. sometimes at her place, but with the expectation that his brother will join them later and he can catch up with him.
  • he bought her an expensive Christmas gift (from his own money not shared account, and he discussed it first with me and explained the reasoning behind this gift. There was a reason why he felt he should get this for her, although a bit too expensive for the occasion. He also mentioned the gift to his brother).
  • when I met SIL recently, she talked a lot about what a wonderful man my DH is and how lucky I am.

what might speak in his favour: DH and his SIL are from the same culture, the rest of us are not. She was going through difficult times and said that she feels he understands her because her problems were related to her background(sorry for being vague). DH is a caring person, particularly when it comes to his family, and he might consider her as family being his SIL.
what worries me: I tried to casually bring it up the other day, like ‘oh just got proof once more how wonderful you are, your SIL spoke so highly of you’. He couldn’t hide very well how chuffed he was, blushed a bit, didn’t look at me, tried to busy himself with something and then changed topic.

I can’t imagine that anything would ever happen between them. Not only because I think DH and I are solid and happy, but also because I know that family means everything to him. He’d never do something that would hurt his brother, and he couldn’t bear losing his family (parents, brother, other brother and sister) by doing something like that.

I can’t really talk to him and ask him straight away whether he is a bit too close to his SIL. For the reasons above he’d be very upset by the suggestion that he’d consider doing anything with his brothers wife. And if (worst case scenario) he indeed does find himself in an emotionally conflicting situation he’d feel disgust and terror that it became obvious for others, and he would not be able to have a reasonable conversation about it.

Would this situation concern you, or would you just carry on as normal in relationship with DH if otherwise everything is great?

OP posts:
monsteronahill · 18/12/2022 08:07

This situation wouldn't concern me. In your shoes, your SIL seems happy with her husband and they have two children together. Your DH and her share a background, which can be a huge comfort and make people have great friendships - especially if they've experienced the same things, and have someone who will understand from a cultural background.

What would you class "a bit too close to his SIL" as? I think buying presents at Christmas (regardless of cost) is normal, meeting for catch ups is normal in my family (I meet my BIL occasionally for lunch or coffee if we're working in the same area and I don't have any designs on him!) etc. Is there another part of their friendship that worries you?

I text my BIL often too, he sends pictures of my nephew, we chat about things they've got planned as a family (him, partner, DC), we plan family meet ups for us all etc. Its basically the same relationships I have with my sisters, all friendly and family based.

Him being chuffed she thinks he's lovely isn't really reason to be worried to me personally, I'd be happy too if someone said the same about me!

The thing is if you've got niggling worries, then unless you can just work these out of your mind yourself, you probably do need to chat. It sounds perfectly normal to me, but I'm not in your situation.

Ameadowwalk · 18/12/2022 08:13

I am not sure I would say it was ‘perfectly normal’ but I also don’t think this situation is about to wreck your marriage. The reason I don’t think it is perfectly normal is his reaction to your comment about what SIL said - unless he normally reacts to compliments like that, I think he knows that he is sailing a bit close to the wind here. The reason I don’t think it will wreck your marriage is all the reasons you give about the closeness of the brothers and the fact that this is all so far relatively open. I do think you need to chat with him about it, though.

Autumnisclose · 18/12/2022 08:15

How can only your SIL and DH be from the same culture? Surely all of DHs family will be as well.

It sounds like he is a bit taken with her. I guess it only matters if she feels the same.

Original poster
Namechange11223 · 18/12/2022 08:15

Many thanks @monsteronahill That’s really good to hear. I never had any issues with them getting on well, what made me start to think is SIL going on so much about how great he is (while also saying that she struggles a bit in her own relationship), and then his blushing when I mentioned it. But happy to hear that I’m overthinking this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange11223 · 18/12/2022 08:19

@Autumnisclose just re-read what I wrote - I shouldn’t post before I had my morning coffee! - yes you’re right of course, I meant to say that I am not from the same culture as my DH, his family and his SIL is.

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 18/12/2022 08:20

How do your DH and SIL share a common background but the rest of you don’t as you say.

surely your DH and his brother have same background?

YRGAM · 18/12/2022 08:22

I think you're overreacting here

EarthFireAirWater · 18/12/2022 08:23

I would say trust your instincts.

By what you have said I wouldn't be surprised if he has a crush on her.

It's a tricky one as no one has done anything wrong on the surface of it all and he treats you fine.

Personally it would concern me as in the end of the day would you be happy to spend the rest of your life married to someone who could potentially be in love with someone else even if nothing ever happens between them?

KangarooKenny · 18/12/2022 08:42

I would say to trust your instinct.
If you didn’t know about him meeting her for coffee, the texts, and buying an expensive Xmas gift, but then you found out, would you be upset ? It’s almost like he’s having an affair in plain sight. It wouldn’t sit right with me.

TheVanguardSix · 18/12/2022 08:56

Not being goady in the least but why are you on the outside of this chumminess, which is a bit unusual and a bit much? My gut says they’re both pushing the boat out. How does BIL feel?
You should be at those coffees with SIL and BIL too. Become part of the mix. Don’t be ‘culturally’ pushed out (I saw this happen to my dad and it ended up happening to me… always on the fringes of mum’s family). And I put culturally in quotes because it will be one of their reasons for excluding you.
Back to DH/SIL, undeniably there is a connection there. Whether it’s ’she’s like a sister to me’ (probably) or more than that (hard to say), yeah, he’s a bit taken by her. Could be just a ‘sister’ thing. Why isn’t she sending you both pics of the kids, meeting you for coffee as well? You’re being a bit isolated, in my view. I wouldn’t like this at all.

Billslills · 18/12/2022 08:58

Usually I am one to say you're overthinking, but I do think there are a few alarm bells.

The gift buying is a little odd... Surely he'd say, 'Hey namechange11223, I have the best idea for a gift WE can get SIL for Christmas... What do you think?'. To me, giving an explanation implies some sort of guilt for whatever inappropriate feelings he may have towards her.

As someone else has said, even if you're comfortable that nothing will ever happen to them, how are you going to develop your relationship further when he is potentially longing for someone else? (And someone who isn't going to leave your lives anytime soon).

Redmushrooms · 18/12/2022 08:59

You seem awfully sure what your dh couldn’t or wouldn’t do, how he would react and feel if this or that happened.

Sounds to me that he has a crush on her, just like your instincts are telling you.

Redmushrooms · 18/12/2022 08:59

And why is the gift from him and not from both of you? That’s just odd.

Dahliadawn · 18/12/2022 09:10

Gut instincts are never usually wrong. Why does he have to go to her place for coffee before his brother comes back home I wonder? … surely he could pop round after his Brother is back. I wouldn’t like the fact that they’re alone together so often, to the exclusion of others,

Original poster
Namechange11223 · 18/12/2022 09:10

Yes @TheVanguardSix i feel a bit ‘culturally pushed out’ as you said, there’s always a sense of ‘you’re different to the rest of us’ coming from his family and SIL. Not really from DH. But when I am with his family I feel I’m the odd out, although they try to be friendly. When I recently met SIL on my own, there was a lot of that, and why she enjoys talking to my DH because he is from their culture and I am not…

OP posts:
FlyingOverOrchid · 18/12/2022 09:15

whattodo1975 · 18/12/2022 08:20

How do your DH and SIL share a common background but the rest of you don’t as you say.

surely your DH and his brother have same background?

That was my first thought too

Haveahappyholiday · 18/12/2022 09:15

He can be friendly towards her without visiting for coffee without his brother and without buying expensive gifts. I think it’s all a bit much and he obviously likes her more than is healthy and normal for in-laws.

FlyingOverOrchid · 18/12/2022 09:17

I would find this very strange. Meet ups without your BIL and the expensive gift… Would he spend the same on you? Also the blushing is super weird.

StickofVeg · 18/12/2022 09:49

From the background you give (DH and SIL same culture) and the fact that's he is so open and discusses things like the present with you, expect his brother to turn up to coffee etc I honestly wouldn't have a concern. I would however be careful in case something developed - could the 4 of you do more as 2 couples instead?

LikeTearsInRain · 18/12/2022 09:49

Maybe he just really enjoyed having a ‘sister’ in his life for the first time. Some men really like to look after and support women in their family. Does he dote on you in a similar fashion?

Original poster
Namechange11223 · 18/12/2022 09:53

Yes, apologies for slightly confusing initial post. As some have pointed out, unsurprisingly DH and his family are from the same culture, and so is SIL. I initially gave more background information and then edited poorly…if useful to know, I’m from a European country and me and my family are very liberal. DH and SIL are from a country outside of Europe but both are also very liberal in their ways of life, while DHs family including is brother are not, they are quite conservative/traditional. SIL mentioned that her values and ways of life align more with my DH than with her own husband because they are both liberal.

OP posts:
Billslills · 18/12/2022 10:39

Since your update, it definitely sounds like there is a crush and the feelings are mutual. I am not sure what you can do but call him out on it and hope the embarrassment shocks him back to reality.

TheVanguardSix · 18/12/2022 10:51

It can be particularly hard too when those cultures are ‘warm, family-oriented, overly familiar… in each other’s pockets, hey that’s just us!’ in their approach to things. It gives them tacit approval to push boundaries and push ‘outsiders’ away. Is there any indication that your BIL knows and cares about their closeness? Is DH the eldest?

TheVanguardSix · 18/12/2022 10:59

And let me guess… DH is from a culture where traditionally, they marry their own and their own women ‘know how to handle’ their men unlike us outsiders. I wonder what your SIL is playing at, to be honest. You and your BIL don’t need to accept this. I wonder if BIL is younger and less able to speak up because perhaps in their culture, the men are men and the older men (brothers) speak for all.

Original poster
Namechange11223 · 18/12/2022 11:04

DH is younger than his brother. I don’t really know how BIL sees the situation but it seems he isn’t concerned. BIL and I don’t have much contact because our views and values are very different.

OP posts: