DH is very close with his SIL

[Namechange11223]

Interested to hear WWYD…

DH and I together several years, want to try for a baby next year. No indication that anything is off, he is attentive and loving as usual with me. DH has a brother who is married to the woman I’ll refer as SIL, they have 2 children.

• DP and his SIL regularly text. She often sends him photos of her children.
• they meet for coffee about 1 per month. sometimes at her place, but with the expectation that his brother will join them later and he can catch up with him.
• he bought her an expensive Christmas gift (from his own money not shared account, and he discussed it first with me and explained the reasoning behind this gift. There was a reason why he felt he should get this for her, although a bit too expensive for the occasion. He also mentioned the gift to his brother).
• when I met SIL recently, she talked a lot about what a wonderful man my DH is and how lucky I am.

what might speak in his favour: DH and his SIL are from the same culture, the rest of us are not. She was going through difficult times and said that she feels he understands her because her problems were related to her background(sorry for being vague). DH is a caring person, particularly when it comes to his family, and he might consider her as family being his SIL.
what worries me: I tried to casually bring it up the other day, like ‘oh just got proof once more how wonderful you are, your SIL spoke so highly of you’. He couldn’t hide very well how chuffed he was, blushed a bit, didn’t look at me, tried to busy himself with something and then changed topic.

I can’t imagine that anything would ever happen between them. Not only because I think DH and I are solid and happy, but also because I know that family means everything to him. He’d never do something that would hurt his brother, and he couldn’t bear losing his family (parents, brother, other brother and sister) by doing something like that.

I can’t really talk to him and ask him straight away whether he is a bit too close to his SIL. For the reasons above he’d be very upset by the suggestion that he’d consider doing anything with his brothers wife. And if (worst case scenario) he indeed does find himself in an emotionally conflicting situation he’d feel disgust and terror that it became obvious for others, and he would not be able to have a reasonable conversation about it.

Would this situation concern you, or would you just carry on as normal in relationship with DH if otherwise everything is great?

Does he buy anyone else these presents that are solely from him? His sister, brother, his own mum etc. I know you’ve said he buys his own for your parents but how come he only does that for the sil in his side of the family? Why just her?

They are unusually close - but he is being very very open with you and his brother about everything.

i think you are ok.

if you can discuss this with him, suggest a family group chat is more appropriate for some things and you’d like to see the photos too as well as share your own. Or just create one and practice what you’d prefer.

The cultural aspect is more complex and you may have to accept, they will have thibgs only they can ‘get’.

In many cultures a man’s elder sil is put on the same pedastal as his mother / sister - it’s considered totally normal to do things for her. With her being from the same place / culture as your DH he probably feels responsible for her happiness to an extent. But the consideration (from her at least) should extend to you too and if it doesn’t that’s a massive red flag.

Affairs start this way; with the best of intentions. I think if I were in your position I would point this out (gently) to my DH. Only he and your SIL can prevent this from happening and hopefully they will.

But he has a habit of doing such things, he sometimes buys an additional present for my parents as ‘his present’ for them, although we already have agreed on and bought a joint present. This happened in the past with birthdays and Christmas, so it’s not out of character.

I think this proves what sort of person he is and that he makes a big effort for family members.

I think this is complete crap. In fact I really think this attitude would risk making an issue where there isn't one. I have flirtatious and loving relationships with some of my friends, because it's a safe space to be like that and because I love them so much. I love that my husband is ok with that.

He has shown you no sign that your relationship is at risk, let him have his attachments. Hate to say it but I think Cool Wife is ok here. No one is going to blow things up when everyone is happy

I wouldn't like it.

OP, don't let MN posters persuade you to be a complete mug and stand back while your DH gets it on with his SIL.

Be aware. Be suspicious. He blushes. Men who blush are 'at it' or want it.

I don't think that there is anything particularly wrong with your husband having a close bond with his SIL. It was probably a pleasant surprise for them to realize that they shared both a cultural bond and a philosophical bond. It is not uncommon for siblings or siblings in-laws to bond with the sibling or in-law with whom they have the most in common.

The question to ask yourself is could you have a close friendship or bond with a male in-law or friend without their being any romantic or sexual component to the relationship? If your normal boundaries and self control would permit you to maintain appropriately such , relationship , why would you question his ability to do so? I imagine he is delighted to find someone from his culture who share his views and outlook, that may be an experience that he has not often found within his cultural relationships.

He does not appear to be hiding anything from you. If the friendship bothers you, only you can decide how you wish to handle it, but how would you feel about him trying to curtail or to dictate the terms of your close friend relationships?

The problem with this approach is you can't actually prevent anyone from having an affair. If they want to, they will. By all means be cognisant of what your DH is doing in terms of this relationship but I honestly think making a deal out of it will do more harm than good. Maybe they fancy each other a bit? If you're still the real deal for him it will pass. My marriage would not have survived if we hadn't just let this shit go

Sorry I was responding to this

I'm sorry but the more you post the the more this looks like an affair waiting to happen.
Having been stuck in a marriage with a man who had multiple affairs I would advise you not to have a baby with this man and get out while you can.

Mu friend has similar with her DH. We ha e discussed it as friends and I personally don't like these situations, it's not the prese t as such as you could put it down to a one off.

I'm a big believer in NOT tenptating fate. I know some will think it's immature and harmless but I wouldn't like it. Not sure what the solution is though OP!

This is such bollocks and an absolutely toxic mindset to be in a relationship with.

I can't see why the culture thing is relevant here.

I agree. I think perhaps that was how they found common ground but now they really get on well. This is ok but it sounds like it's developed into a crush and has the potential to ruin your marriage and blow the family apart. It sounds like sil is also discussing her marriage issues with your dh which is pushing them even closer.

OP, don't let MN posters persuade you to be a complete mug and stand back while your DH gets it on with his SIL.

Be aware. Be suspicious. He blushes. Men who blush are 'at it' or want it.

On the contrary be careful of posters telling you to LTB as they’re in every thread, regardless of what the partner is doing.

Of course be on your toes and be aware that he could cheat with SIL or any other woman.
But don’t base it on things like blushing as many people blush and can’t help it.

DP and his SIL regularly text. She often sends him photos of her children.

His niece and nephews?

If blushing when they receive a compliment is a sign of an affair, then my OH is clearly shagging my mother

Two SILs who shared common interests might develop a particularly strong bond. They might have a closer relationship with each other than with other in-laws. They might text or email each other with more frequency and take more of an interest in the gifts that they give to each other. No one would think that this friendship is in any way suspect. No one would think that this is a relationship moving towards a possible affair. These women might easily discuss their marriages as good friends often do.Again, this would not be viewed as something that close friends do not do. It is only because the in-laws in this situation happen to be male and female that small minds expect that something sexual must be the necessary outcome of a male - female friendship.

A affair can happen in many situations, but if you live your life finding every female friendship that your partner develops as leading to a possible affair, you will have a pretty miserable life. Why think that your partner is less capable of being faithful than you are. Would having a close friendship with a man mean that you are going to cheat?

If you love this man and he loves you, then you are both capable of having friendships that do not require monitoring. If either of you lack self control, then you are always in danger of anything impacting your relationship.

Me too.

The blushing to me is indicative of a crush.

I would be super unimpressed and I would not be ignoring it for a minute.

I would be spelling it out to him that his behaviour is super inappropriate and it is clear with his blushing he has a crush on his brothers wife.

Buying her expensive gifts? Are you kidding me🤨?

I would be rethinking TTC with a man who thinks crushing on his brothers wife is acceptable.

You are NOT overthinking and your gut is screaming a warning.

Stop protecting his feelings by not saying anything and start protecting yours, he certainly isn't thinking of YOU!

Of course it isn’t crap because it is exactly how affairs start. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with friendship and it is not inevitable that they’ll be an affair (I hope not for the OP and her family) but it is exactly how affairs begin.

You have expressed your opinion.
So have I.
My opinion has not changed.

I can't read anything here that would worry me. Could you possibly be overthinking because you are heading towards TTC?