Going on 3rd date with guy I don’t fancy!

[Mistleholly22]

So I have been on 2 dates with this guy who I don’t fancy and I don’t know how to get round the idea of me not fancying him.
I wasn’t attracted to him at all the 1st time but he asked me on another date and felt too rude to say no and the rest is history. I don’t exactly have many other options either so I’m wondering whether to make do with him as his personality is nice.
I don’t know whether to tell him it’s nothing more than a friendship or to make do and try to grow the attraction later. Opinions?

I’m thinking you must be mad but I did have a long relationship with someone I wasn’t attracted to. He had other qualities I liked and we did have a lot in common.

There is nothing wrong with being single. Too many women (and indeed men) stay in or form bad relationships instead of ending or not starting them.

Just be polite and end any possible relationship, no more dates. I think your reasons are shallow but if it matters to you, then that is the best decision.

I ended up being in a relationship for 2 years with someone I didn’t fancy - I loved him and was fond of him but didn’t fancy him and he knew it. Never again!

OP said I don’t know whether to tell him it’s nothing more than a friendship or to make do and try to grow the attraction later.

Nothing to suggest she was planning to string him along. The only options she was considering were seeing if they would become friends or if an attraction would grow. Attraction isn’t always an instant spark, as at least one other has commented from her own experience.

But as so often, posters leap in to condemn OP, and anyone who thinks she is being reasonable. Do you get some kind of thrill from insulting strangers? It seems an odd sort of hobby to me.

That's got nothing to do with it......if she doesn't find him attractive why is she going on yet another date with him.

If she liked his personality she wouldn't have the dilemma and be posting on MN.

Are you flattered? Because he likes you? You are allowed to cancel. Or maybe you have loads in common? I have a friend who wasn’t attracted to her husband, they worked together. But they are definitely on the same wave length and worked through it.

Op I spent all my 20’s and half my 30’s forcing myself to like, and go out with men I did not find attractive, or at times even like because they liked me. It was miserable, for them as well as me. It’s really not a nice thing to do, and breeds resentment and hostility long term.
Honestly, don’t go. It’s a date with someone you are not into. Most normal people understand when one person is not feeling it. Also, stop with the ‘friends’ nonsense, it’s embarrassing and I am sure he has enough friends without you friending him out of pity.
It’s possible you don’t have a lot of options because you don’t have confidence in yourself to be single. That is unattractive.

Watch out, before you know it, you'll be married to him!

For fucks sake dump him. It's not fair on him for you to trap him in a relationship that he doesn't even know isn't mutual.

Let him go so he can find someone who does fancy him.

I was in this situation when I was young and not so wise it obviously didn't work out because you do need to be at least bit attracted to someone for things to go anywhere. The whole thing was completely one sided and I think he realised on some level. I feel quite bad about it now. Let him go so he can find someone who likes him back, and you can find someone you do actually fancy!

Do you seriously not have anything better to do in life than to waste your time?

If you’re looking for a partner then tell this guy it isn’t working, then get back on OLD.

I’d advise getting some hobbies too to make some friends.

Just cancel. I am going on a 3rd date on Tuesday and I fancy the pants off him. At 45 I don’t want to be wasting time with people I don’t even fancy. It won’t change

Same but I did it for a lot longer. He also knew it and it can’t be nice. Just met someone I fancy so much and realised this is how it should be.

This!! People get quite annoyed about others saying they don’t find people attractive but it’s sort of fundamental for a relationship to start , but as you say it’s down to the individual. Iv fancied men who to me are gorgeous but my friends wouldn’t look twice at them and vice Versa

however OP this is pointless let him go find someone who does fancy him

id rather be alone than force myself into a relationship with someone I don’t find attractive just to tick the box of having a partner

Of course we're not, & there's no necessity to rank men on an arbitrary "look-worthiness" scale either. Disgusting way to commoditise other humans.

Surely not?

It's fine not to fancy the chap.
It's really NOT fine to string him along, pretending to fancy him as a date, because OP reckons she has "no other options".

That's the shallow part.

Luckily, having a man is not compulsory so the fact that you don’t have many other options doesn’t matter.

Stop wasting his time. How would you feel about being the back-up, unfanciable option for someone who couldn’t be bothered to look for someone they actually wanted?

Why the hell are you meeting with him then?

😂No conclusions have been leapt to.

OP used the charming phrase "make do" twice in her initial post.
The quote you used above, & this one -
I don’t exactly have many other options either so I’m wondering whether to make do with him

Ugh.
You "make do" with a runaround car until you can afford to save for a replacement. You "make do" with cheap ingredients when you can't afford swank ones. You don't "make do" with humans unless you're a user.

If you can't see how wrong that is - to actively plan to use someone because you have no better prospects right now - there's little point in trying to explain it to you.

Or explaining how rich it is to tick PP off for "insults" to an OP who has just royally insulted her date by ranking him on looks-based scoring system like he's a piece of meat.

If a man had said she’s a five fuck me loads would have said how shallow is he , to hear that a woman would be so judgemental like this is pathetic. He’s got a great personality no wonder you haven’t got a lot of offers you obv a shallow person. People can be dicks honestly looks never bothered me it’s personality that I like

@Naunet And another one that thinks women are shallow so if they’re not attracted to all men 🙄

What an idiotic, irrelevant statement. The discussion is around THIS poster and ONE man on dates. Perhaps this man IS looking for a romantic relationship - you know, the old fashioned kind that benefits from a spark and mutual attraction. If the OP doesn't feel this way, the kindest thing to do would be to walk away and let him find someone who values his whole self.

Absolutely this.

We all know how attractiveness/sparks of chemistry work or not between humans - whether that spark is intellectual or physical, or if you're really lucky both!

Prior to the OP offering up a 'score' on the man she is/was dating, I was thinking she was immature, insecure and mean.

After her scorecard, I considered her to have added arrogant and delusional to her basket of personal traits.

Arrogant enough to believe she is/should be attractive to men who score more than a '5' on her personal scale of attractiveness.

Delusional due to the fact, by her own admission, no-one other than this poor (5) man is affording her romantic attention.

I’m wondering whether to make do with him

That's really not nice. Tell him you're sorry, but you've met someone/you're busy/prefer women/you're ill/anything, but please don't use him just because you've got nobody else

The OP says this bloke is a 5 at best. I expect she's a 10 (or thinks she is)

Regardless of her own opinion of herself, the OP should just say no now.