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Original poster

Going on 3rd date with guy I don’t fancy!

78 replies

Mistleholly22 · 18/12/2022 01:27

So I have been on 2 dates with this guy who I don’t fancy and I don’t know how to get round the idea of me not fancying him.
I wasn’t attracted to him at all the 1st time but he asked me on another date and felt too rude to say no and the rest is history. I don’t exactly have many other options either so I’m wondering whether to make do with him as his personality is nice.
I don’t know whether to tell him it’s nothing more than a friendship or to make do and try to grow the attraction later. Opinions?

OP posts:
Dery · 18/12/2022 08:21

“I wasn’t attracted to him at all the 1st time but he asked me on another date and felt too rude to say no and the rest is history.

I can't think of a polite way to say this but it genuinely is meant to be for your own good - if you are unable to utter the word "no" to a man, should you be dating at all?

Maybe take a step back - at least while you buy & study this -

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21”

This.

YouMadeABear · 18/12/2022 08:23

Please just cut him loose. You both deserve to be with people you fancy who fancy you back!

I went on a few dates with someone back on '06. Lovely guy, clever, decent looking etc but, frustratingly, zero spark on my side. We both ended up marrying the next person we dated and we both could have missed out on them!

whattodo1975 · 18/12/2022 08:25

cloudsandream · 18/12/2022 03:26

I bloody hope he’s not been paying for your half of date OP. Stringing him along for a free meal? I hope not. Hmm Grow a backbone and tell him, babying this imagine of lack of assertiveness whilst slating his appearance is quite the conflict of personality. Are you always this nasty? Men have feelings too.

It’s fine, he’s only a 5 so doesn’t matter how she treats him.

YRGAM · 18/12/2022 08:25

Don't see him again and be honest with him. Obviously a generalisation, but as a rule men can accept honestly and bluntness better than women can in these situations. Put it this way, this is much better than divorcing in 10 years, creating a dead bedroom, and ruining his confidence once he realises you never fancied him

Iamclearlyamug · 18/12/2022 08:26

A 5 at best? How rude!

Are you some kind of goddess yourself?

If you're not attracted to him, you can't help that and shouldn't continue to date him - but the way you put that sounds incredibly shallow. Let him go and allow him to find someone who thinks he's amazing

Greenfairydust · 18/12/2022 08:34

Do him a favour and be honest with him.

You are wasting both your time. You knew what he looked like on the first date. Why are you dragging this on?

I think it is quite shallow and rather arrogant as well to rate people like this (''he is a 5'') by the way...physical attraction matters of course but most of us are not supermodel and the majority of people by definition will have average looks.

So although you are perfectly entitled not to find him attractive, ''rating'' him this way is just immature as far as I am concerned.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/12/2022 08:36

How would you feel if someone was “making do” with you until someone better came along?

poor man. Don’t go and let him meet someone else who will appreciate him.

Naunet · 18/12/2022 09:01

I couldn’t have sex with a man I wasn’t attracted to, why would you force yourself? Don’t sell yourself short, find someone you like inside and out.

Skipsaway · 18/12/2022 09:25

If you fancied him a little bit or weren't sure I could understand you getting to this point.
But if you definitely don't, it's not fair to continue.

GreyCarpet · 18/12/2022 09:48

You need to sort out thinking it's impolite to say no before you consider dating anyone.

Let this man find someone who deserves him.

Don’t be an arsehole and use him just so you can say you have a boyfriend.

PearlclutchersInc · 18/12/2022 09:51

Poor man. Wonder how he'd feel if he knew you thought he was only a "5" and you really don't fancy him.

So where do you fall in the looks and personality stakes. Doesn't sound like people are falling over themselves to go out with you.

Martialisthebestpup · 18/12/2022 09:51

Pick a euphemism and tell him it’s not working for you.
´I’m not really feeling a spark/chemistry’

Beamur · 18/12/2022 09:56

Cancel the date in a kind but appropriate way.
You're both looking for romantic relationships, not friendships.
If there's no attraction, for whatever reason, then he's not the one. Let him have the chance to meet someone who is attracted to him too.

jeaux90 · 18/12/2022 11:05

OP women are socialised to be kind, to put the feelings of others before our own.

It's ok to say no, to say it's not going anywhere and wish him well.

We are allowed boundaries.

You don't fancy him, try and think about why you feel bad about walking away and putting yourself first.

BaddogGooddoggy · 18/12/2022 11:07

Mistleholly22 · 18/12/2022 01:38

I know it’s shallow but it’s his looks. He’s a 5 at best.

I think he can do better, stop wasting his time

Namaste6 · 18/12/2022 11:11

HE can and should do much much better than you. Pathetic, shallow post.

Ofcourseshecan · 18/12/2022 11:12

MajesticWhine · 18/12/2022 07:48

If you like spending time with him, go on the date. I believe attraction can grow from getting to know someone. If you don't like him at all, both looks and personality, then cancel - don't string him along.

Yes, I agree. No need for all the rude comments from some posters.

Jefferz54 · 18/12/2022 11:16

Just from my own very recent experience...I went on a third date with a guy I was not particularly attracted to, we got on well but I just 'wasn't feeling it'. On the tube journey there I was looking up on the Internet best ways to break it to a guy you're no longer interested, and was so nervous about it I even had a drink beforehand!

However, the evening ended up being nice and he was bold enough to kiss me at the end...and then wow! There was suddenly this instant chemistry and I saw him in a completely different new light!!

Now after after a bit of time, I think the tables are turned....I'm obessesing more over him and I get a feeling he may be losing interest....such is OLD....

So....you never know!

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 11:23

Ofcourseshecan · 18/12/2022 11:12

Yes, I agree. No need for all the rude comments from some posters.

Show quote history

So you reckon it's fine & dandy for OP to be rude about her date ("only a 5" FFS), but start clutching your pearls the moment PP pick her up on it?

Says quite a lot about your value judgements & attitude to men.

She was planning to use this man as a filler so she can claim to have a b/f. Never mind how HE feels. All while presenting herself as too shy to say no.
I wonder what she wanted from her thread - PP rushing to assure her it's ok to use a man like this? Toxic femininity. We call men who do this "players". Nobody want to be a placeholder to a date who's secretly looking down on them for the mortal sin of not being attractive to them.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 18/12/2022 11:24

I’ve been on 2 dates with men recently. Both are nice enough but 1 is currently being diagnosed with ASD (not an issue for me). They’re both not amazingly good looking but are nice. I’d probably have another date with them.

I did used to know someone who had a 3 date rule. If there was no spark or anything after 3 dates then she’d cease contact. Personally I can tell either after the first or second date.

You do need to just tell the person if you don’t fancy them as he will suit someone else. It is quits literally treating someone the way you’d like to be treated.

I used to go out a lot when younger and dated some good looking men. Some of them have insecurities, one who was more a friend said people expected him to have it all and be together, he thought he was too skinny and was quite shy (better with drink).

ThePear · 18/12/2022 11:35

What’s your score out of 10, OP? Why do you have no options?
Obviously decline the date, the bloke should date someone who actually fancies him rather than being used out of desperation.

Naunet · 18/12/2022 11:43

PearlclutchersInc · 18/12/2022 09:51

Poor man. Wonder how he'd feel if he knew you thought he was only a "5" and you really don't fancy him.

So where do you fall in the looks and personality stakes. Doesn't sound like people are falling over themselves to go out with you.

Oh come off it. Women aren’t duty bound to find every man attractive, just like men aren’t attracted to every woman they meet.

Naunet · 18/12/2022 11:44

Namaste6 · 18/12/2022 11:11

HE can and should do much much better than you. Pathetic, shallow post.

And another one that thinks women are shallow so if they’re not attracted to all men 🙄

OrlandointheWilderness · 18/12/2022 11:45

I did this. I ended u in a relationship with someone I didn't fancy at all for 4 years. Don't don't do it!!!!!

FloydPepper · 18/12/2022 11:50

You can behave like a grown up, tell him there’s no spark, and both move on. Nothing wrong with not fancying someone.

or you can behave like a dick, keep going on dates with a 5 for god knows what reason.

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