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Original poster

Would a partner who is bad with money put you off?

62 replies

Whatsmoreimportant · 17/12/2022 15:03

Will try not to drip feed and give you the full
picture as best I can.

Have been a single mum for 5 years and happily so. Work full time, busy with 2 DC (6 and 9), money is hugely tight but we get by.

A year ago, I met a lovely man, who over the past year has shown himself to be incredibly kind, considerate, intelligent and great company.

He's very accepting of my life and history (I had a little 'breakdown' around 5 years ago, which was quite messy but I'm in a completely different place now and have never been happier)

But..he's not great with money. He had a really good, well paid job up until last year when he was made redundant. Since then he's worked consistently in lower paid jobs to get by (which I absolutely think is amazing btw). But he has a history of really bad money management, which includes bailiffs coming round, bankruptcy and other things..
When I've asked him about it, he will talk about it (and I never judge because things are so tight for us).
It sounds like he has dealt with a lot of his issues as he had a bit of a problem with spending I think, but I'm finding that he still has no money at the end of the month and and isn't always that good at budgeting/managing it.

just want to reiterate, I'm not judging him, just selfishly worrying about what our lives would be like together long term..

Although I often don't have much money at the end of the month either, I've had to fight tooth and nail ti get my life back together 5 years ago and I guess I'm very protective of that and worried about the thought of getting in a mess again.

He has a daughter (5) who he has EOW. His ex partner has told me also about the money situation they were in.

Any advice is hugely appreciated. I lost my mum two years ago and would have talked to her about it and I just don't feel like I can talk to friends about this....

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 17/12/2022 15:06

Yes, it would put me off and bother me hugely. I wouldn't be with someone if I knew they were that bad with money. Especially not as a single parent. You're financially responsible for your child, do you really want to be with someone who could risk that?

barbrahunter · 17/12/2022 15:06

Do not make a life with this man, he will drag you down with him.

DismantledKing · 17/12/2022 15:06

If it was me then I wouldn’t be pursuing this relationship

Greensky90 · 17/12/2022 15:07

It would be a red flag and a complete no go. I think people with poor money management is partly down to a personality trait and having bailiffs is quote extreme.

What is the debt for exactly? What has he previously been spending on?

Amblesidebadger · 17/12/2022 15:07

Run don't walk..

Newusernameaug · 17/12/2022 15:07

Yes it would put me off a bit but only because I’m awful at managing money and would really hope in a long term relationship that my partner takes over that aspect! 😂

Rollercoaster1920 · 17/12/2022 15:08

I think financial comparability is really important. In your arrangement you'd get all the stress and he probably won't change. So keep him as a boyfriend but don't mix finances.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2022 15:08

I’d be very worried about this. Very. You’ve worked hard for the stability you’re now giving your DC, you’d be mad to jeopardise that for a man.

And why’s it amazing he’s working in lower paid jobs following redundancy?! That’s what people do, there’s no one too good for any kind of honest work.

Goodywhoshoes · 17/12/2022 15:10

You are good with money, he isn’t.
If you are together and making a life together it will be to the detriment of yours and your children's finances, you will end up carrying him.

MintJulia · 17/12/2022 15:11

It would bother me from the moment he wanted to borrow money or move in with you for financial reasons.

Also, if he previously had a high paying job, he clearly has skills so why has he settled for something that leaves him with no money at the end of the month. There is a global skills shortage, he should be able to sort himself out.

The relationship can't go anywhere if you already think of him as a financial risk, which you clearly do.

So if you just want some casual company then fine, but if you are looking for more, look elsewhere.

TeeBee · 17/12/2022 15:12

It would be a hard no from me. You'll either always be poor or a bank.

AHelpfulHand · 17/12/2022 15:12

Managing money is a really important life skill. Not being able to manage money affects your life with bad credit, debt, no savings etc.

i dont like it when people penny pinch, but i also wouldn't entertain someone who wasn't good at managing finances.

its a really big thing

2catsandhappy · 17/12/2022 15:12

Enjoy his company but don't get involved.

Ponderingwindow · 17/12/2022 15:12

Proper money management is an automatic dealbreaker.
a person doesn’t have to have a lot of money to be a good candidate for a long-term relationship.

A person needs to have a good work ethic and to manage money wisely.

Original poster
Whatsmoreimportant · 17/12/2022 15:12

Thank you all so much, that's a massive help. I was feeling like a horrible person for having doubts..

So, his spending I think was just simply bad money management and liking to buy things, not necessarily designer or flashy as he's not like that, but he used to earn much more, so perhaps not adjusting. He also tries to buy me things and is generous, but I'm always telling him not to as I know the situation.

Newuser I feel exactly the same! Being brutally honest, I would love to be with someone who is really hot with their finances (they don't need to be well off, just in control), because it doesn't come naturally to me...

OP posts:
FuckConvoGiveMeAForest · 17/12/2022 15:14

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole

TheDuchessOfMN · 17/12/2022 15:15

Your OP is a bit vague (understandable) but I’m wondering what sort of debt was he in and for what?

But to answer your question, no, I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man like that.

And also, only having his dd EOW, he’s not exactly a hands on father, is he?

Original poster
Whatsmoreimportant · 17/12/2022 15:19

This so helpful, thank you.
I was genuinely expecting to come on here and for at least a few people to say that given he's kind and considerate etc etc that the money is just a smaller thing that I should keep my eye on, but not a dealbreaker. I know not everyone is saying that, but it's quite eye opening how many people would be a hard no re: a future.

I guess it validates how I'm feeling and my gut (which I do ignore sometimes, to my detriment).

So, if someone has been pretty terrible with money previously (as I say, bailiffs visiting), do you think there is scope to change?

OP posts:
LemonsAndCherries · 17/12/2022 15:19

What did he do before as a job OP?

Most sectors have a skills shortage, can he really not get another job?

That aside, I'd make sure not to mix finances...ever. If that isn't what you want long term, then end things.

category12 · 17/12/2022 15:19

Depends what your hopes are for the relationship - I would not marry or live with such a man.

If you were intending a Living Apart together relationship, it might work, but if you're after the conventional set-up, probably not.

Original poster
Whatsmoreimportant · 17/12/2022 15:20

Sorry if I've been a bit vague, not my intention. I don't know exactly but I think the debts were from just general living expenses, changing jobs etc

OP posts:
category12 · 17/12/2022 15:21

Scope to change? Maybe, but he's been at that point where bailiffs were involved and it was a factor in the breakdown of his relationship, and he's still over-spending, so not sure what it would take to change him.

Original poster
Whatsmoreimportant · 17/12/2022 15:22

His work was very specialised (consultancy) and he's applied for lots in his field, but hasn't had much luck

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsmoreimportant · 17/12/2022 15:22

Thank you all again

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 17/12/2022 15:25

Stay well away.

He will drag you down.

It doesn’t make him a terrible person, it just makes him a drain. It’s like an addiction, it can be really hard to control and you just don’t have the resources to help him manage it, even if he was up for that.

For the sake of yourself and your kids step away.

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