Would a partner who is bad with money put you off?

[Whatsmoreimportant]

Will try not to drip feed and give you the full
picture as best I can.

Have been a single mum for 5 years and happily so. Work full time, busy with 2 DC (6 and 9), money is hugely tight but we get by.

A year ago, I met a lovely man, who over the past year has shown himself to be incredibly kind, considerate, intelligent and great company.

He's very accepting of my life and history (I had a little 'breakdown' around 5 years ago, which was quite messy but I'm in a completely different place now and have never been happier)

But..he's not great with money. He had a really good, well paid job up until last year when he was made redundant. Since then he's worked consistently in lower paid jobs to get by (which I absolutely think is amazing btw). But he has a history of really bad money management, which includes bailiffs coming round, bankruptcy and other things..
When I've asked him about it, he will talk about it (and I never judge because things are so tight for us).
It sounds like he has dealt with a lot of his issues as he had a bit of a problem with spending I think, but I'm finding that he still has no money at the end of the month and and isn't always that good at budgeting/managing it.

just want to reiterate, I'm not judging him, just selfishly worrying about what our lives would be like together long term..

Although I often don't have much money at the end of the month either, I've had to fight tooth and nail ti get my life back together 5 years ago and I guess I'm very protective of that and worried about the thought of getting in a mess again.

He has a daughter (5) who he has EOW. His ex partner has told me also about the money situation they were in.

Any advice is hugely appreciated. I lost my mum two years ago and would have talked to her about it and I just don't feel like I can talk to friends about this....

Think long and hard. I'm on the verge of telling my DH to leave.

I earn enough to support my daughter and I. It would be tight.

He earns triple what I do and has nothing to show for it ever. Never anything in savings or anything left at the end of the month. I am fucking sick of it and never being able to rely on him.

Just discovered credit cards that haven't been paid off and he's just asked me to buy an I phone on credit in my name for a Christmas present for his son. I've said no.

He's kind and generous don't get me wrong but now the "generosity" is putting me off him. He needs to get his own self in order and grow up where money is concerned.

I wouldn’t walk away from a relationship over it if everything else was working, but I’d never entangle finances with him (or marry him!) and I’d make it clear I would never lend money or bail him out.
I was in a bad way financially at the end of my marriage so I’d hate to be judged on that - I turned things round so maybe he can too.

Being brutally honest, I would love to be with someone who is really hot with their finances (they don't need to be well off, just in control)

This made me laugh - I totally agree, but when you think of what men think women want (massive genitalia, an expensive car etc) and then what they really want (fiscal rectitude)...!

You'll find that money meant for your own expenses and children will end up being diverted because of him.

It's definitely a dealbreaker

I’d need to see him sort himself out and be able to live within his means - money is a huge stressor in relationships and you need to know he has your back, not undermining your own financial security.

In any event I wouldn’t be moving him in or starting any joint financial arrangements, he needs to stand on his own two feet.

It would put me off having the sort of relationship that involves being at all financially linked. Maybe a more casual arrangement would be ok, although you'd need to put your cards on the table with that one. You can't risk your DCs security though.

After he’s pissed his money up against the wall he’ll piss yours up too.

I agree with others, being bad with money would be a dealbreaker. As would someone who only saw their child EOW though.

You should be running for the hills.

I'm good with money but partner isn't . I wouldn't leave him on that. He doesn't drag me down. So not all relationships will end badly if partner isn't good with money.

Yes.
I would never be with a man who was irresponsible with money.

And how will this work out if the two of you stay together long enough to want to live together. He's a bit of a liability, and you really need to trust someone with finances. If I were you, I'd be on the lookout for a gambling habit too.

@sickof There is something almost childlike about that - an adult who cannot keep their hand from the cookie jar, always spending everything they have as if they're an uncontrolled 5 year old in a sweetshop. A turn off for me.

No, but OP has two young children and is only just managing financially.

This is the early stages of getting to know this man and not only has he been bankrupt, had bailiffs after him and his prior relationship fall apart because of money issues, he's still inclined to over-spend and want to be "generous" with money he hasn't got.

It's a huge risk of getting entangled with someone with that history and those inclinations - she needs to have an eye to her financial stability for her children's sake.

If she was on her own, then she could maybe take a punt on him, (while she'd still be foolish to become financially entangled) but when she has two dependents it's just not on.

Thats fair enough. My partner isn't that bad. I've got a baba but my partner wouldn't put his child at risk like that.

And me.

Thank you for your reply. We've had absolute murder today over it all. Lots was said that I needed to. I feel bad but I have been honest and I needed to be brutal as it was just not being listened to.

My ex had spending issues. It wasn't apparent initially - he earned well from his own business and had a lot of nice things when I met him, but (as I later discovered) he was lying a lot to hide debt and lack of financial management skills. Eventually I discovered major hidden spending problems going back through our whole relationship and no doubt well before.

I earn well but I worked less when our kids were smaller and we ended up in a lot of debt for a while, which he absolutely would not discuss so I ended up dealing with it by myself. Financial vulnerability and a partner who hides money to keep you that way are a massively stressful combination and I ended up ill from the stress for a couple of years, which further increased financial vulnerability due to having less capacity to work.

We're separated now and although his life again looks fine on the outside, he struggles with his financial obligations to the kids and I know it's because he just can't stop spending on himself. It affects our co-parenting relationship as I have little respect for a man who prioritises himself over his kids. I put up a polite/friendly face for the sake of the kids but it's a real internal struggle for me to remain polite when he moans about paying for stuff for them but has expensive new bikes, sneakers, is going out to concerts, rents a ludicrously expensive house etc. So I limit my contact with him as much as I can. He absolutely cannot see my point of view, he thinks its his money to spend how he wants and feels aggrieved because he knows I think less of him for it.

If you can see financial problems at this early stage for god's sake don't get yourself involved. My relationship with my ex probably cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars in interest on debt and loss of asset value (house maintenance and repairs neglected due to having no money) - it's hard to know as so much was hidden and wasted on god knows what.

I stayed in a relationship with such a man for 1 year and I wish I left much much earlier. He also had a sad story that explained the debt, to which I was sympathetic and he was also generous with me and very considerate. Still i wish I had listened to my instinct.

Anyone who thinks ‘maybe he’ll change’ -no matter the topic: slovenliness/ineptitude/misogynist/gambler etc. that’s your fluorescent, flashing sign to dump him. Women are not rehabilitation or training centres for males. You don’t need a project or pet. If you want a boyfriend
m find one who’s fit to date.

Also agreeing with the other posters who mentioned every other weekend seeing his kid is shameful.

And before the desperados whine ‘are you saying people can’t change’ -this bloke has failed to change for his ex, for bailiffs, for his kid. At some point you have to open your eyes.

I am very money conscious so for me it’s a big deal, but he could change.

My partner used to be absolutely terrible with money and he has changed so much. He lived day-to-day, and had no money at the end of the month. He spent a lot in take aways and in his hobbies.

Two years later he barely spends anything on his hobbies (maybe £20 a month), and we agreed on the amount of takeaways we’d get per month. Now he saves quite a bit.

He started this change quite quickly after we got together, and he says that it’s because now he was a different life plan and actually now he has an objective for which to save money. That without an objective for him there was no point in saving.

Maybe you should talk to him about plans for the future, money-wise? And see if his money spending is a compulsion or if it was just because he felt very sure he was going to earn what he did for a long time and just miscalculated.

I would have thought he’d have found a better calculator after the bailiffs arrived? But he’s still shit with money, consistently.

My younger self would have said love conquers all blah blah, but after being married to a man who earned 3 times what I did and drove us nearly to the verge of bankruptcy with his poor financial management. I would say have him as a date and/or fuck buddy if you must, but don't move him in or mesh your finances in any way.

Yes, that's the red flag I should have spotted. If someone can't improve their money management after having a kid or having been in really bad trouble (bailiff or homelessness), definitely don't expect them to change now.