Fuming at the comments DH keeps making

[Teddybear00]

Despite both wanting a family and believing in the same things. DH all the sudden grumpy and different for the last 2 years. When it comes to our kids, nothing comes natural to him or even wants to try and learn. He's found a way to excuse himself being extra involved in the helping out by making comments like "you really wanted this so it's only right you deal with it more" or "you know what I'm like, I don't have the patience for this" comments like these + other actions on a daily basis have just made me extremely drift away from him and I'm more unhappy than happy. I've had the chat with him and deep convos but even those he doesn't want to have.

How do we move forward when he doesn't want to communicate properly or address the clear issues. He says I am mean and I have become mean because I'm sick and tired of dealing with his behaviour and don't have the feelings to even show affection to him anymore.

I feel down most days and feel as though I have settled and now brought kids in this world with someone who no longer feels on the same page as me anymore.

My kids would be broken if I decided to end thing as they are very attached to our family being together and I feel stuck and sad now. If there was a way to make this marriage work I would so I thought I'd try here for anyone who has/is gone through similar and what advise you can give me.

Please be kind it's already all hard enough as it is.

I’m sorry you are going through this, how old are the children?. I can feel your frustration as he wanted to have children just as much as you but maybe facing the reality that parenting can be very difficult!. However he can’t just shy away from his equal responsibility. I have found that once my children have got older (they are now 6 and 12) I find parenting easier, I was useless at the baby/toddler age.

I think it’s great you have tried to address it, but it’s frustrating he wasn’t forth coming. I understand you say that you don’t want to break your family up, but the resentment will build. Do you feel if your husband was involved helped out more then this would be the end of the issues or are there other things at play?

I think you move forward without him as he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to be part of a family

I am trying to remain impartial, although my situation was that as soon as we had children my husband went to the pub every night and seemed to have a 1950’s attitude that the kids were my sole responsibility, and I mean doing everything. I had no indication this was his style and we lasted 2 years after, then I just had had enough.

I’m leaning towards the same view OP

I am so sorry you are going through this, it is so difficult not to have the support from a partner.

It seems like you have made it very clear what is the issue and he is refusing to listen to you. It is so convenient for men to use the argument that mums are better at it so should do it all the time. Mums be better at it because they put the effort to do it.

If he has decided he doesn't want to be involved in parenting, then why force a marriage for the sake of you living together frustrated in one household? Two years is a long time to put up with someone's bad behaviour.

It is difficult when there are children, but it is better for them to live in a happy home than one where there is resentment and anger. You might be happier on your own, you already do everything so it wouldn't be a huge change in terms of housework. I read a study that a lot of women found living alone with children easier than living with a man child that doesn't help at all.

So, he says you have to care for your children more because ‘ you wanted them more’ ? I’m not sure I could move forward. It shows no emotional maturity, no respect for you, and very little genuine feeling for the children.

He does actually need to want to contribute.

Flogging a dead horse is the phrase that comes to mind here.

Stop with the efforts in his direction, practice single parenting, as you are anyway but without the drama.

The other thing is he's resisting, which takes a lot of yours and his energy. Pull back and see where his energies lie, he might be manoevering you into binning him off anyway.

Children aren't broken by divorce. They are more likely to suffer in a family with conflict and resentment at its heart.

I think in general people dont like change. Of course children are attached to the family unit, they can't imagine an alternative. Also in general, the earlier the divorce the better, and it's often better to split rather than stay in a family where one parent resents the children and the parents resent each other. You can't change his behaviour. You can see if he would go to marriage counselling to see if he can change his behaviour himself but if he doesn't want to, then you have to either get used to it, or leave

Im sorry, a very large proportion of males are incapable of fully participating in family life. It's impossible to know for sure in advance of gifting them a child too, so don't blame yourself. Unless your financial situation is impossible without him, it would probably be better to go it on your own. Children are more harmed by the disengaged and/or neglectful parenting, than they are by leaving.

I'd be saying crisply "Don't be so fucking ridiculous. Grow up - you are their father and you don't get to slide out of parenting" every single time he made a stupid comment.

And if I'd had to say this every day for a week I would be saying to him that he either pulled himself together and acted like a parent or I would be filing for divorce.

You could be married to my first husband. I left him because I couldn't bear the total lack of involvement with me and DS, it killed our marriage.
When I look at my sister's husband, she's just come home after a C section and he is doing everything. Cleaning cooking, shopping and taking the baby when DSIS needs a rest or a shower. He is so good with the baby.
I found single motherhood easier because I wasn't having to look after a giant toddler as well.

Easier alone than with an unwilling participant.

Well if you are determined not to leave then you could try marriage counselling, but I suspect he would refuse that. He needs to want to save his marriage and family life. Ultimately you will need to make a decision about how long you are prepared to live like this.

Im sorry, it sounds like a very common but very shit situation.

Can you give us some examples of where he wishes to check out of parenting?

Absolutely this. I had to do it with my own DH who initially was a let down when he became a father.

I don’t really understand the whole our kids want us to be together, kids want happy parents and to be assured they won’t be negatively impacted. No kid wants to live in a miserable environment.

the kids want us to be together is often trotted out as a reason not to leave

so would he rather be a dad as part of the family unit or would he rather parent on his own 50/50 or EOW? Those are his choices.

or he could choose like a lot of dads, not to see the kids at all and you parent 100%. At least you know that way that there is nobody else to help out.

So youd rather the kids frow up thinking uts normal for the father to be a lazy, disinterested man child and the mother to run around after everyone and tolerate his bs?

Get them out of there. And make it clear to them that dad wasn't doing his fair share and that's why you left. That partnership's are supposed to be fair and equal. That women aren't housemaids and should leave men who treat them as such.

Hopefully he will be a better dad when you are separated as he will just have to do the work as you won't be there to run around after him as if he is another child.

Set a healthy example for your kids. Or your sons will grow up spoiled, entitled mysoginists and your daughters fall prey to similar men.

What @Sparkletastic said! Why is it that there are literally a million threads on here just like this??? You have made it clear that having children was a joint decision, so why your DH, and apparently so many more, think they can just check out of the responsibility that comes with having children, is literally beyond me!!
Tell him he is being an utter thunder cunt and it stops TODAY or you are out. And mean it!!!

What do you mean when you say that your dc are very attached to your family being together? Surely the only reason they'd have cause to express that would be if you'd mentioned the possibility of the family not staying together?

You can't force your husband to change. It sounds like he never had any intention of being a proper parent to his children, and always intended to sit back and let you do it all, because you're a woman. What a waste of space he is! You'd be better off without him.

a very large proportion of males are incapable of fully participating in family life. It's impossible to know for sure in advance of gifting them a child too, so don't blame yourself
this is the truth
most of them just want the status of being a father, the kudos from other men that they have managed to capture and dominate a woman, but expect to have the upper hand and will try to keep it at all costs.
It is best to accept this and move on with your life without him, the more time you spend with him the more ground down you will be

Tell him he is being an utter thunder cunt and it stops TODAY or you are out. And mean it!!!
dont tell him anything, he'll just try and stop you, he wont want to lose his cushy number, get it all arranged and you'll be safely gone before he knows about it

It seems as though you have both made your feelings clear. It is not a failure to communicate. It is a failure on your part to accept what has been clearly communicated.

He has told you how he feels and what he thinks. He is not misleading you. You have to decide what you will and will not accept. Based upon what little you have stated, your children do not seem to feel in any ways neglected by him; it is your needs and views that are not being met or shared.

Do what you will for yourself as it is you who is the dissatisfied person in your household. There is nothing wrong with satisfying yourself. Keep in mind that the solution here is kind of a two edged sword. You can put him out because he is not helping enough and yet once gone, you will be doing it all yourself because he is gone. Either solution leaves you doing it all yourself.

yet once gone, you will be doing it all yourself because he is gone. Either solution leaves you doing it all yourself
she's already doing it all herself but with the added frustration of having to deal with his selfishness and the extra work that he creates, he's a dead weight & she's better off without him.