Fuming at the comments DH keeps making

[Teddybear00]

Despite both wanting a family and believing in the same things. DH all the sudden grumpy and different for the last 2 years. When it comes to our kids, nothing comes natural to him or even wants to try and learn. He's found a way to excuse himself being extra involved in the helping out by making comments like "you really wanted this so it's only right you deal with it more" or "you know what I'm like, I don't have the patience for this" comments like these + other actions on a daily basis have just made me extremely drift away from him and I'm more unhappy than happy. I've had the chat with him and deep convos but even those he doesn't want to have.

How do we move forward when he doesn't want to communicate properly or address the clear issues. He says I am mean and I have become mean because I'm sick and tired of dealing with his behaviour and don't have the feelings to even show affection to him anymore.

I feel down most days and feel as though I have settled and now brought kids in this world with someone who no longer feels on the same page as me anymore.

My kids would be broken if I decided to end thing as they are very attached to our family being together and I feel stuck and sad now. If there was a way to make this marriage work I would so I thought I'd try here for anyone who has/is gone through similar and what advise you can give me.

Please be kind it's already all hard enough as it is.

Soothsayer1, you are absolutely right ; she will be doing it with the same level of frustration. I just think that when making decisions of this sort it is best to articulate all of the changes that are likely to result. So good to add a to the consideration the reduction in the level of frustration.

That's not true. They often are. You just need to read more of their comments as they grow older, Their little safe world can implode.
That's why I wonder why ltb advice is so freely bandied around on here.

when making decisions of this sort it is best to articulate all of the changes that are likely to result
very true @Mari9999
Wrt to
Children aren't broken by divorce
I would say it depends upon how the divorce is handled, and if the other person is belligerent they are likely to do all they can to make sure the divorce causes as much damage as possible to punish her for her insubordination.

I agree for what my experience is worth, my brother and I were older but honestly happy they finally chose to split.
Much, much less happy with the way it was handled : we really struggled to understand what at all was the reason for so much acrimony, I mean you wish to go your separate ways, just get on with it? Especially as it was sort of a mutual decision (more my mum, but my dad was hardly desperate about it).

I think that really depends on different factors. Knowing my children, if we were to divorce I genuinely think it would impact them more negatively.

Believe me he more than knows how I feel about it all as I've made myself quite vocal. I think that is what he refers to me as being 'mean'. I've told him that it's ridiculous and wrong if he thinks he can just check in and out when it suits him regardless if I wanted kids 'more'.

I definitely agree that the the age of our children has put a lot of strain and pressure on us. Our youngest is a baby and quite fussy. However, I do think if my Dh helped and treated me like his equal rather his baby sitter and maid then things might be different. I was listening to a song the other day that's about men being too comfortable in relationships that they treat their partner like their mum expecting housework chores all done etc and jokingly/not jokingly I said you've definitely become too comfortable and he goes if anything I'm uncomfortable. If things weren't bad before that definitely did a lot of damage.

I have given him plenty of choices but he doesn't say anything which just plays with me more. I said to him if deep down in your heart you knew you didn't want this family life, why string me along and create a family only to act like we're a burden. I've said more than once if he doesn't want to be a dad or be married then just go and have all the alone time because I don't need someone who's unsure of us in our life.

He has his moments tbh and he will be extra nice like I can't live without you guys and everything that's pleasing to the ear but it's also those other moments that for me just speak a lot louder

My late husband could be a lazy bugger sometimes but the love and kindness he gave me and the children, especially in the difficult time post birth, brings a tear to my eye now.

He really looked after us, he did everything. And he did that because he loved us. You’re a team when you have a baby, and it takes a huge physical toll on women. You need your partner to take over. I couldn’t be with a man who left me to get on with things alone, what a betrayal.

I have more than once told him if he's not happy or if he's not going to change then to leave but he doesn't. I also know for a fact if we really did get divorce it would be an ugly one and he would make it difficult. I am financially strong now so I could manage without him but he would definitely try and use the kids as a mean to possibly hurt me. He done it before and I think that's were all my trust is sort of gone.

He doesn’t leave because he knows if you split he actually would have to look after his kids, and himself. I’m betting you do the majority of the house work/mental load? He doesn’t want to give that up so he sticks around, throwing out his spoilt brat little comments. Is it really worth it?

This! He was a nice person but I really don't know how someone just changes! I feel like his efforts are so one and off now and he's putting so much pressure on me for everything that it's caused this drift. I don't want to nag him or argue about it. I want him to feel that the house, our marriage and family are all a priority. We lost two babies after our first and we struggled and I till the day struggle but when we got pregnant again, we were excited but throughout my pregnancy I felt more exhausted than ever and even during my labour, I just remember sitting there in all the pain I was in and he didn't bother to get up once to comfort or rub my back or give me words of comfort. I have come to the point that I feel alone and I have expressed all these feelings but I don't think he takes them serious or puts too much emphasis.

It's just sooo many things it's hard to paint a whole picture with such little context

He's found a way to excuse himself being extra involved in the helping out by making comments like "you really wanted this so it's only right you deal with it more" or "you know what I'm like, I don't have the patience for this" comments

"Every time you make one of these remarks of yours, then call me 'mean' for picking up on it, I feel a little more respect for you die away. Are you going to keep making these horrible remarks until there's no respect left, or STFU & get on with being the parent you promised to be?"

My kids would be broken if I decided to end thing as they are very attached to our family being together and I feel stuck and sad now.
That's just fear talking, & it's understandable, but wrong.
Of course your kids are attached to your family - it's all they've known.
They will still HAVE a family if you split - just in separate houses.
It'd be a darn sight easier on them at their current young ages than leaving it til they are teens, & you are broken.

then I would say it would be best to be very strategic and stay under his radar so he has as little chance as possible to make things difficult

You can't change him.
You've had the conversations, you know where he stands.
You just can't make him change.

So either put up with him for the next 20 years until the baby leaves home, or make the break now, while the children are still young.

If you decide to end it, make your plans quietly if you think he is going to get difficult - don't tell him what you are doing, get photocopies of savings, earnings, pensions etc. etc. Be prepared to fight him on behalf of your children to get them what they deserve. It will all be worth it once the dust has settled.

The version of him that isn’t a lazy selfish twat isn’t waiting around the corner. This is who he is.

Leave before you blow up at him one day through pure resentment over his actions in the past.

do not tell him of your plans till you have everything in place and then tell him it’s over.

if he can’t be arsed with the kids he won’t be arsed and will get bored very quickly trying to use them against you as they actually don’t know dad.

Do this sooner rather than later for your own mental health.

learn to grey rock him too every time he says your mean.

My exh was just pure lazy, he had to finish work due to having Ms but was well enough to care for ds & look after the house while I worked. I used to come home from work & find him asleep on the sofa having palmed ds off on his mum, nothing done at home so I had to start cleaning, shopping, preparing & cooking meals & getting the washing done. I stuck it for six years until one day I exploded, packed mine & ds bags & left him. It was so much easier being a single parent than living with him doing nothing.

The same here. Two years.

You find out what kind of father they are after you leave. Mine is a cheque book and 6 hours a week. He genuinely believes that makes him a great dad,😟 and 11 years later still cannot understand why I left

I read a study that a lot of women found living alone with children easier than living with a man child that doesn't help at all.

I can testify to that. Being a solo parent is hard but nowhere as hard as an unwilling participant living in the house.

I totally agree, mine is very similar, throws money at them rather than time. Goes on loads of holidays with his partner but has not once taken the kids but will get them presents at the airport. They just want to spend time with him not fucking money.

My DH is also quite similar to what a few of you are saying here. Quite materialistic, has completely spoiled our kids and keeps up to their lifestyle and he thinks that's enough but it's not! It's like we need to put up with what he's like so if he's not a morning person then we shouldn't wake him and relies and expects me to be up early dealing with it all. He thinks I make everything about me me me but he's failing to see what my issues are despite me literally pointing them out. I actually think he's a bit narcissistic but he will never see that.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

It sounds really tough.

I’m wondering why your letting him off the hook with these things?

If he says ‘I haven’t the patience’ or ‘you wanted this [so you do it]’ do you then step in and wearily do it?

I’m wondering what would happen if you just didn’t. If you did you share, and then left him to sort it out? For instance, ‘ I’m going out today so you’ll need to sort dinner’

or just book a weekend away somewhere nice and leave him to take responsibility. Just get out the way and see what happens.

often I think we enable people with over performance

I certainly did with my wife, i ended up doing more and more, and she felt less able and more detached.

what I needed to do was stop, and back of so she could pick up the reigns. We needed to talk a lot too, but that came a little later

it wasn’t easy but things are a lot more balanced now.

he also sounds depressed, as do you so see a doctor and a therapist if you can

otherwise it sounds like you’re splitting up x

often I think we enable people with over performance
@themanwho I agree, it might be worth stepping back and not participating but this man sounds aggressive and nasty and that adds a more difficult layer to the problem.

I doubt he will change because he feels entitled to be the boss who sits back and does little while she is an unpaid servant, I doubt that he will relinquish his sense of entitlement in anything but a temporary way to reel her back in so that he can feel like the boss again.

In his mind it's him Tarzan you Jane, he sees things in black and white terms and everything has to be on his terms
he doesn't have the sophistication or intelligence to be any better than this, I think he is neither use nor ornament and you should cut your losses and quietly get rid before he does any more damage, don't look for revenge or punishment, he is primitive and he can't help what he is but at the same time you shouldn't have to put up with this.