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Original poster

Fuming at the comments DH keeps making

64 replies

Teddybear00 · 17/12/2022 11:34

Despite both wanting a family and believing in the same things. DH all the sudden grumpy and different for the last 2 years. When it comes to our kids, nothing comes natural to him or even wants to try and learn. He's found a way to excuse himself being extra involved in the helping out by making comments like "you really wanted this so it's only right you deal with it more" or "you know what I'm like, I don't have the patience for this" comments like these + other actions on a daily basis have just made me extremely drift away from him and I'm more unhappy than happy. I've had the chat with him and deep convos but even those he doesn't want to have.

How do we move forward when he doesn't want to communicate properly or address the clear issues. He says I am mean and I have become mean because I'm sick and tired of dealing with his behaviour and don't have the feelings to even show affection to him anymore.

I feel down most days and feel as though I have settled and now brought kids in this world with someone who no longer feels on the same page as me anymore.

My kids would be broken if I decided to end thing as they are very attached to our family being together and I feel stuck and sad now. If there was a way to make this marriage work I would so I thought I'd try here for anyone who has/is gone through similar and what advise you can give me.

Please be kind it's already all hard enough as it is.

OP posts:

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 18/12/2022 12:34

I think talking about it only makes it worse so perhaps it is time you did something instead of simply trying to get the message across. Or perhaps not do something as in his washing or his meals because you are so busy doing all the things he won't do because he does not want to.
Hope that makes sense !

Fleurdaisy · 18/12/2022 12:39

If he doesn’t want to help with the children leave other things for him to do — vacuuming, floor washing, laundry, ironing. That’s fine darling, dealing with children is beyond your pretty little head. There’s the ironing, and the floor needs washing, then lunches for tomorrow. Enjoy.
Grind the bastard down. ( sorry, not helpful, I’m in a bad mood)

Soothsayer1 · 18/12/2022 12:55

He has his moments tbh and he will be extra nice like I can't live without you guys
Of course he does he doesn't want to lose the cushy little number that he's got, he has the status of being a family man so the other men will look up to him and see him as powerful but he doesn't actually have to do the work of participating in the family.
He will just do as much as he thinks is necessary to keep you sweet and keep you as his unpaid servant.
Actions speak louder than words, don't waste your breath trying to talk to him just stop doing all the things that make life comfortable for him, don't do his laundry don't cook food for him just focus on on your children.

Fairislefandango · 18/12/2022 16:27

He has his moments tbh and he will be extra nice like I can't live without you guys.

That's not extra nice. It's about what he wants and needs.

CrazyLadie · 03/02/2023 11:57

Teddybear00 · 17/12/2022 21:34

I have given him plenty of choices but he doesn't say anything which just plays with me more. I said to him if deep down in your heart you knew you didn't want this family life, why string me along and create a family only to act like we're a burden. I've said more than once if he doesn't want to be a dad or be married then just go and have all the alone time because I don't need someone who's unsure of us in our life.

He has his moments tbh and he will be extra nice like I can't live without you guys and everything that's pleasing to the ear but it's also those other moments that for me just speak a lot louder

Show quote history

You do know that the 'he can be so lively and says he I can't live without you' cause he needs you to wipe his ass and shows just how toxic your relationship and that doesnt even start on the gas lighting. Your kids are babies, they wont remember you splitting up, if you are gonna leave now is the time before they have a better understanding.

CrazyLadie · 03/02/2023 12:00

Teddybear00 · 17/12/2022 21:37

I have more than once told him if he's not happy or if he's not going to change then to leave but he doesn't. I also know for a fact if we really did get divorce it would be an ugly one and he would make it difficult. I am financially strong now so I could manage without him but he would definitely try and use the kids as a mean to possibly hurt me. He done it before and I think that's were all my trust is sort of gone.

Show quote history

Why would he when he has it so easy? You need to find yourself respect and not allow someone to treat you so disrespectfully!

CrazyLadie · 03/02/2023 12:05

Iflyaway · 18/12/2022 03:07

I read a study that a lot of women found living alone with children easier than living with a man child that doesn't help at all.

I can testify to that. Being a solo parent is hard but nowhere as hard as an unwilling participant living in the house.

Agree 100%, I see friends struggling cause they are expected to do it all, I may struggle and have.little support but I don't have a man child to deal with and my son has never been around arguing or shouting

Fireingrate · 03/02/2023 12:05

Dotcheck · 17/12/2022 11:48

So, he says you have to care for your children more because ‘ you wanted them more’ ? I’m not sure I could move forward. It shows no emotional maturity, no respect for you, and very little genuine feeling for the children.

This. No one here can say anything that will make him change. He just does not want to. He does not want to change or take on board how things are for you.

if you stay in this marriage, and that will be hard, you need to build up your happiness outside it.

Soothsayer1 · 03/02/2023 13:13

He sounds embarrassingly childlike, lacking the self discipline to step up and put the needs of his children ahead of his own.
Get him out of your life, he's a millstone around your neck, dragging you all down, you're worth more @Teddybear00 you can have a better life than this

CrazyLadie · 01/03/2023 13:44

dogmandu · 17/12/2022 17:53

That's not true. They often are. You just need to read more of their comments as they grow older, Their little safe world can implode.
That's why I wonder why ltb advice is so freely bandied around on here.

Show quote history

They are broke when parent s act like selfish ass holes and put their needs before their children's. If the parents vcan do what right and coparent well there ia no need for it to destroy kids. It's using them as weapon or trying to turn them against another parent where the issues lie mostly

CrazyLadie · 01/03/2023 13:51

Iflyaway · 18/12/2022 03:07

I read a study that a lot of women found living alone with children easier than living with a man child that doesn't help at all.

I can testify to that. Being a solo parent is hard but nowhere as hard as an unwilling participant living in the house.

Me too ✋️ My ex left when I was heavily pregnant and to be honest it was the best thing he ever did. I see all these people in relationships running a out after oaerner like they do their kids, would I hell!! The only ass I wipe is my boys!!!

Naunet · 01/03/2023 14:10

dogmandu · 17/12/2022 17:53

Show quote history

Rubbish, it’s not like the concept of marriage is natural and that we have an instinct as children to want married parents. It’s a man-made creation, children are fine with parents who aren’t together, as long as both are still good parents.

Heres a comment for you from someone who had parents divorce when I was young - I was relieved when they split.

Sealwright · 18/03/2023 18:18

It sounds like he's contributing nothing. Imagine if you did to him, what he is doing to you. What a thoughtless selfish man, acting more like a child than an adult.

Daleksatemyshed · 18/03/2023 18:49

I won't tell you to leave because you're clearly not ready for that Op but there are things you need to consider. Unfortunately a lot of men( not all, I know some very good Dads) have an idea about being a Father, playing football, laughing and joking, being the fun one but they don't think about the real day to day grind of being a parent, women are more realistic about the nappies and night waking but it can come as a nasty shock to some Dads. Some men also make the right noises about parenthood because they know their wives want DC but that can lead to the "you wanted them, you deal with them" that you've had. On top of this some men can't deal with not being No 1 in your affections anymore, they think everything will be the same and the DC will be less important than they are.
Only you know if your DH is like this or if he's just a bit overwhelmed by it all but the most important thing is, will he get any better or will you be doing all the hard work? Time for a really honest talk Op, if he can't be a good Father to your DC you need to know and plan accordingly

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