Is he using me

[RubySlippers18]

Ok so been seeing this guy nearly 3 years. Got together unexpectedly and all through 2020 he completely showered me with love, he wanted a home, a future with me, we have amazing sex life, went on walking adventures up mountains everywhere and he said I was the double of him. He said he loves me to bits and wanted to do so much with me. But after 3 years he has no idea what he wants, we still don’t live together, we see Each other now and again when he’s free but maybe twice a week during the days. Said he's in love with me and taking it as it comes but times we get together are great. Lately I wish we were a couple but he wont do it cos he separated but not apart and after a lovely cuddly session after intimacy I asked "do you wish we were a couple sometimes, go do stuff, see stuff together etc" he said yes of course & I asked why aren't you sure what you want yet and he said "taking it day by day, don't know what I want, I may just pack up and leave one day (joke) or and go exploring. I'm taking life as it comes - so I finally broke down and started crying. I said why does everybody I date want me for intimacy but nothing else, I'm tired of it now. He dated and married his 1st 2 partners but after 3 yrs he still can't decide if he wants me or not. What is wrong with me? He hugged me and said has to many commitments etc and have lots of feelings for you, hate discussing serious things because takes fun out of it. Was I right to finally break down and cry or should I just act like I don't care its just fun no relationship. But everyone I've dated does this to me and I'm just tired. I also asked him would it be easier if I weren't here & he said it would be one less thing to worry about - Tondy Lyn Avery we are compatible we are so much alike and get on so well its like he's the double of me. And he said when we got together he wasn't happy in his 1st relationships cos they were nothing alike and they just didn't get on. He said I was his soul mate & his rock but he just won't say anything about our future

Also, I know relationships are all different but in contrast, I have been with my dp for 3 years. We don't live together for various reasons (mainly as I have dc) but we have discussed it in the future, we see each other pretty much daily (he moved from an hour away to my town to be closer), I have met his family, he has met mine, we have been on holiday both on our own and with my dc and he lived with us temporarily during Covid.

What you are describing isn't what a 3 year relationship should look like.

Also, he has met my ex numerous times!

Ah OP, howay man. You're the OW. He's cheating with you. Tell him to sling his hook.

I know someone who wasted six years of her life buying into this bullshit with someone. He worked on a base, wife and children at home in another county. All the usual excuses, they were separated but couldn't divorce because of finances, children, blah, blah blah She would go home from work, eat dinner then drive forty minutes to the base to sit in his room, stay the night, use communal bathroom to get ready for work in the morning. Rinse and repeat..for six years. All sorts of promises about their future together, kept her dangling.

They never went on a holiday but she would drive him to the coast to see him off on one of his many cycling holidays abroad. He never paid for a meal out, went home on the weekends and on her birthday (his wedding anniversary). He was coming up to retiring from the services. His plan was to buy a mobile home to do contract work during the week and go home on the weekends ie carry on having his cake and eating it. Massive case of absolute denial on her part. So obvious to everyone except her. It ended when she met someone else who was ready to commit in five minutes (another disaster) but she would still be there if she hadn't.

Wanting something to be a certain way doesn't make it likely to happen. In your case the seeing him only in the daytime is a MASSIVE clue!!! These types promise lots and deliver nothing.

He is definitely using you. Now what are you going to do about it?

Do you know where he lives? Make a Christmas photo collage card on Moon Pig filled with photos of you both.

Write something soppy as the title, like "Merry Christmas to my darling boyfriend" and inside write, "Three years of us, can't wait to see what 2023 brings".

Don't address it to him, just write "for you" and a heart on the card. Drop it round when he is at work.

Or, just knock on his door and introduce yourself. Don't stay in the shadows being a dirty secret. You are worth so much more.

Who told you two of his friends know about you? Him by any chance? The guy who has been lying to his wife and you for 3 years! Come on OP.

I'm presuming you've never been to his house, so he just comes round yours for a shag. And bullshits you.

If he was really separated and just cohabiting why hasn't he introduced you to friends or family? Why can't he come round in the evenings, stay over night, take you out on dates in PUBLIC - and I don't mean walks in the middle of nowhere!

Have you ever even looked up his SM? Or let me guess, he doesn't have any because he's 'a very private person'!

He's doing and saying some of the most see-through married man after a shag script crap I've ever heard. A 6 year old could see through him! Why can't you admit it to yourself?

@RubySlippers18 be interesting to know if his wife knows he's separated!!

Do you know his address OP? If so, I'd be straight round to his and his wife's house tonight and introduce myself to his wife.
She deserves to know what a cheating, lying scumbag he is.
I'd then dump him and tell him to never contact you again and get on with the rest of your life with the type of people you deserve. Not this piece of lying shit.

You think men having children then leaving them shows they are the settling down type?

I actually can't believe any woman be so gullible.

Yea he's having his cake and eating it. All the perks of a relationship without commitment

I very much doubt OP knows his address 😢

@RubySlippers18 There are two things I wish I'd understood about relationships when I was younger:

1. If someone really likes you and wants to be with you, you know it. There are no doubts, not questions, no analysing what they said, no swinging back and forth. You know it. Every day.
2. A relationship is meant to make your life (and theirs) better, happier. If it doesn't, why be in it? Much better to be single / being single and open to a better relationship.

He is living with his wife because he wants to. An 18 year old child is not a reason to live together. As pp said, if this arrangement with his wife is purely for their child's sake, and they aren't still 'together' then ask to meet her. If they are no longer a couple there's no reason not to meet her. I am almost certain his wife knows nothing about you because either a) they are still very much married (perhaps they separated temporalily a couple of years ago and got back together) or b) they are going through a rough patch but he wants to leave the door open to get back together with her.

All of that aside, the fact is he doesn't know what he wants, he used to love bomb you but doesn't anymore, he blows hot and cold, he won't commit to anything. Not hopeful for a future serious relationship at all.

Run, he's using u and never going to change. This might hurt a little but I don't think he loves you at all. If he did u wld have moved in together and be planning a future.

Sounds like he's got someone else already if he only sees u a couple of times a week. Move on asap find someone that wants you and a future with you.

I know where he lives yes, all the advice here is good and yes I know a lot of this. I’m trying to drag myself out of this by people pointing out the obvious

Please cut this one loose.

He can say anything he wants but that doesn't make it true.

His actions towards you tell you all you need to know about him.

Still living with his wife and has some excuse about his now adult daughter.

HInts at maybe disappearing on you.

The comments about being so alike etc. It's called mirroring. Google it.
It's a manipulative tactic to suck you and make things seem so familiar and soul mates.

Has made no effort to include you in his life as in meeting friends and family.

No actions or effort towards commitment as in moving in, marriage, children.

I hope that you aren't hoping for marriage and children with this user as you'll be wasting years of your precious life.

Cut it off, the sooner the better as every day you're tied to this married man, is another day you're not able to find a decent guy who wants the same things you do.

@RubySlippers18 ok, fair enough but still, keep focusing on the more important points here, for your own sake. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve better.

The phrase 'dragging' yourself out of it resonates with past relationships when I was younger. It is SO hard to walk away when you love someone but you have to keep listening to your head. The best advice is to walk away immediately with your head held high but I know it's not always so easy.

If you really can't bring the guillotine down immediately, present him with a few simple requests... an invitation to his house, a request to meet his wife, a suggestion of a weekend away. He will refuse/let you down on all of these things. You will soon start seeing things more clearly.

Yes he's using you, he
hate(s) discussing serious things because takes fun out of it.
He's not willing to change that stance even after you broke down over it.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry but he's lying to you, about everything. You're better than this. Please dump him and find someone who cherishes you and gives you all of the things you want and need.

I thought as much but since no one else had mentioned it I hoped it was me was misunderstanding that bit 😧

If you said because his daughter was 8 or even 13 it might have been slightly more believable but I struggle to believe his 18 year old daughter is his reason for staying in the same house with his wife/ex years after separation. This man appears to be leading you on and must think you believe anything unfortunately.

And since you haven’t verified this with his wife so you don’t know if she is even aware of you or is ok with this situation so you could literally be the OW and she reckons she’s still reasonably happily married.

Just read your recent post - I really hope you do manage to ‘drag’ yourself away from this, you deserve better. Try and learn from it also because from what you say, you have a history of getting with emotionally unavailable /disrespectful users so you’ve become accustomed and almost desensitised to poor behaviour.

These kind of men do tend to love bomb because for them, the fun is in the chase and knowing that you’re now available for them whenever they click they’re fingers.

Please go over and meet his wife. She should know about you.

I hope you are not 'the double of him'.
Are you a liar, fraud, cheat, user? Using his dd as his excuse to continue this charade is dispicable.
I hope you are just naive and only now realising you are the OW. Dump him quick.
Sorry op, this has to be tough.

Walk away. He’s using you. Why does his daughter need to be sorted in a career before he leaves? What’s wrong with now she’s 18?

No I’m nothing like that. I don’t lie and never cheated in my life and I never use people! 🫤😢