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Original poster

Is he using me

73 replies

RubySlippers18 · 16/12/2022 10:43

Ok so been seeing this guy nearly 3 years. Got together unexpectedly and all through 2020 he completely showered me with love, he wanted a home, a future with me, we have amazing sex life, went on walking adventures up mountains everywhere and he said I was the double of him. He said he loves me to bits and wanted to do so much with me. But after 3 years he has no idea what he wants, we still don’t live together, we see Each other now and again when he’s free but maybe twice a week during the days. Said he's in love with me and taking it as it comes but times we get together are great. Lately I wish we were a couple but he wont do it cos he separated but not apart and after a lovely cuddly session after intimacy I asked "do you wish we were a couple sometimes, go do stuff, see stuff together etc" he said yes of course & I asked why aren't you sure what you want yet and he said "taking it day by day, don't know what I want, I may just pack up and leave one day (joke) or and go exploring. I'm taking life as it comes - so I finally broke down and started crying. I said why does everybody I date want me for intimacy but nothing else, I'm tired of it now. He dated and married his 1st 2 partners but after 3 yrs he still can't decide if he wants me or not. What is wrong with me? He hugged me and said has to many commitments etc and have lots of feelings for you, hate discussing serious things because takes fun out of it. Was I right to finally break down and cry or should I just act like I don't care its just fun no relationship. But everyone I've dated does this to me and I'm just tired. I also asked him would it be easier if I weren't here & he said it would be one less thing to worry about - Tondy Lyn Avery we are compatible we are so much alike and get on so well its like he's the double of me. And he said when we got together he wasn't happy in his 1st relationships cos they were nothing alike and they just didn't get on. He said I was his soul mate & his rock but he just won't say anything about our future

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2022 11:43

How old is his DD?!

Original poster
RubySlippers18 · 16/12/2022 11:45

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2022 11:43

How old is his DD?!

19 in February next year

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 16/12/2022 11:48

You're either very young and naive, or just incredibly naive! Until his daughter has a career ? - that's an excuse I've never heard b4. Give him points for creativity lol. So 3 years at university, several years before it's a career. That's a minimum of 5 years ffs. And you hanging on like a fool.

If you want to find out if it's really just cohabitation, ask to meet his wife! Surely if it's cohabitation for her too, she'd be fine meeting his 'girlfriend' of 3 years?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2022 11:49

You know he’s never leaving his wife? No one stays until a 19 year old is “settled in a career”. You’re having an affair, he’s spun you a yarn you’ve happily believed but surely you know it’s not going anywhere?

Deadringer · 16/12/2022 11:52

Just tell him to fuck off. Not helpful I know but he is a user. There are nice available men out there, dump him and find one.

Supernormative · 16/12/2022 11:56

RubySlippers18 · 16/12/2022 10:43

Ok so been seeing this guy nearly 3 years. Got together unexpectedly and all through 2020 he completely showered me with love, he wanted a home, a future with me, we have amazing sex life, went on walking adventures up mountains everywhere and he said I was the double of him. He said he loves me to bits and wanted to do so much with me. But after 3 years he has no idea what he wants, we still don’t live together, we see Each other now and again when he’s free but maybe twice a week during the days. Said he's in love with me and taking it as it comes but times we get together are great. Lately I wish we were a couple but he wont do it cos he separated but not apart and after a lovely cuddly session after intimacy I asked "do you wish we were a couple sometimes, go do stuff, see stuff together etc" he said yes of course & I asked why aren't you sure what you want yet and he said "taking it day by day, don't know what I want, I may just pack up and leave one day (joke) or and go exploring. I'm taking life as it comes - so I finally broke down and started crying. I said why does everybody I date want me for intimacy but nothing else, I'm tired of it now. He dated and married his 1st 2 partners but after 3 yrs he still can't decide if he wants me or not. What is wrong with me? He hugged me and said has to many commitments etc and have lots of feelings for you, hate discussing serious things because takes fun out of it. Was I right to finally break down and cry or should I just act like I don't care its just fun no relationship. But everyone I've dated does this to me and I'm just tired. I also asked him would it be easier if I weren't here & he said it would be one less thing to worry about - Tondy Lyn Avery we are compatible we are so much alike and get on so well its like he's the double of me. And he said when we got together he wasn't happy in his 1st relationships cos they were nothing alike and they just didn't get on. He said I was his soul mate & his rock but he just won't say anything about our future

He's using you and/or having a sexual affair with you.

And who or what is Tondy Lyn Avery??

AgentJohnson · 16/12/2022 11:59

He future faked you and whenever you question the non delivery of the future he faked, he feeds you more flannel.

Future faking is a way of fast tracking the commitment of the other party without the intention of ever following through.

Throw him back, at best he’s a bull shitter.

Aprilx · 16/12/2022 12:10

He is a married man, he love bombed you to get you hooked and he has Ben using you ever since. Of course nothing has moved on for three years, because you are the other woman and he already has a wife that he shares a life with.

I kind of disagree with the posters that have said this is not your fault, I don’t mean you are a bad person, but if this kind of thing keeps happening it does suggest you set a very low bar and are not valuing yourself enough. After three years, you should not be asking somebody if they would like to “be a couple” that should have been a given a long long time ago.

You need to ditch this one and next time set much higher standards in terms of how you expect somebody to treat you and how you would like a relationship to develop.

Laurdo · 16/12/2022 12:14

Wow! He's done a number on you. He's nothing but a lowlife cheat who's wasted your time for 3 years.

Living with his wife for the sake of their adult daughter? Never heard such nonsense. Will his DD only be able to get a job of her parents live together. None of this makes sense.

My friends separated and lived together for 6 months while the sorted finances and remortgaged the house etc. They had no kids. But this guys been separated allegedly for at least 3 years so that's no excuse either.

Mari9999 · 16/12/2022 12:17

OP, you are dating a man who is married and lives with his wife. He is offering you nothing because he is not free to offer you anything. You are in a relationship with a married man who is cheating on his current spouse. How shallow is your dating pool? What kind of happiness and commitment did you expect to find with a married man who has no immediate plans to divorce his wife?

Hannahshome · 16/12/2022 12:19

Future faking. Love bombing. Cheating.

I wonder if his wife knows his plan?! Ask to meet her or pop over for coffee. If they are split and cohabiting for the childs sake I’m sure she will be keen to meet the child’s future step mum.

Sadly I think you are his bit on the side. He thinks he deserves more than his wife so he has you. I read on another thread to always ask ‘does anyone think they are in a relationship with you’? Rather than ‘are you in a relationship with anyone?’.

I doubt you are similar, it appears he is a future faking, selfish, entitled, non committed, liar - who love bombs and deceived to get laid. You may like similar music or books or films but I doubt your character traits are similar.

Find someone who is proud to take you out in public, have fun, create memories. Someone who is 100% yours and only yours. Pop him back into the pond.

Whoputtheramintheramalamadingdong · 16/12/2022 12:23

Do you only ever see him during the daytime? Have you ever spent a night together or extended length of time?

It sounds to me like you're his OW and he's feeding you a very long line.

Soakitup37 · 16/12/2022 12:23

He's not co-habiting he’s straight up cheating.

does he have weeks where he’s really into you and says what you want to hear? Or weeks when he’s magically got more time for you? Does he get a bit flakey when he can/can’t text you or call or reply?

have you actually ever been away together? More than an overnight thing? Any yeses to these or similar you are the other woman.

even if we gave him the benefit of the doubt, he’s got no intention of making your relationship go any further after 3 years.you say why do men what intimacy with you but not a relationship that’s because you allow them that and let them get away with giving you crumbs. If you aren’t getting your needs met, don’t let him get his!

Sorry op but get some self respect, he clearly doesn’t have any for you.

Original poster
RubySlippers18 · 16/12/2022 12:26

Supernormative · 16/12/2022 11:56

He's using you and/or having a sexual affair with you.

And who or what is Tondy Lyn Avery??

Show quote history

That was a blinking typo sorry autocorrect

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 16/12/2022 12:28

He’s a married man, living with his wife and daughter. You’re his bit on the side. He’s got it all - he has a family life, plus an OW for fun and sex when he feels like it. He’s stringing you along, allowing you to have fantasies of a future life together. Surely you can see you’re worth more than this.

fatsocatso · 16/12/2022 12:34

This screams affair OP and you admit you know it yourself. Yes, it's possible they are unhappily co-existing in the marriage and he has a long leash, but there's no way this is a single, available man. And even if he were (he's not), best case scenario if he has no intention of committing.

As a PP already said, best thing I ever learned was to stop tormenting myself with the question 'Why?' It doesn't matter why he won't commit, why he lovebombed you, why anything. He isn't giving you what you want and need. Don't just move on. Run. He's got it nice and easy and he'll probably try hard to keep hold of you but watch him as he does this - he'll do everything except commit. Sorry, OP

Sunshineandflipflops · 16/12/2022 12:39

I agree with everyone else and also, anyone who uses the term "soulmate" makes me run a mile. There is no one person in this word that is meant for you and you alone. There are many people any one person could happily build a life with but we never get to meet most of them as the world is an enormous place!

Words are easy op but he's not giving you the actions to go with them (probably because he has no intention of leaving his wife) so they mean nothing and you should really stop fawning every time he calls you his soul mate or tells you he loves you and be on your own for a while until you can go looking for what you deserve.

gamerchick · 16/12/2022 12:42

Have you met his daughter, friends, wife?

Original poster
RubySlippers18 · 16/12/2022 12:52

gamerchick · 16/12/2022 12:42

Have you met his daughter, friends, wife?

No, two of his friends know about me but nobody has met me

OP posts:
Original poster
RubySlippers18 · 16/12/2022 12:54

Mari9999 · 16/12/2022 12:17

OP, you are dating a man who is married and lives with his wife. He is offering you nothing because he is not free to offer you anything. You are in a relationship with a married man who is cheating on his current spouse. How shallow is your dating pool? What kind of happiness and commitment did you expect to find with a married man who has no immediate plans to divorce his wife?

Didn’t know that when we got together, only in last few year he said he cohabiting

OP posts:
HangryFeminist · 16/12/2022 12:55

OP, you are the other woman. You need to leave him.

FictionalCharacter · 16/12/2022 12:56

RubySlippers18 · 16/12/2022 12:54

Didn’t know that when we got together, only in last few year he said he cohabiting

Show quote history

He’s not “cohabiting”, he’s married and living with his wife. You really are deluding yourself.

Branleuse · 16/12/2022 12:58

Hes stringing you along and being quite cruel imo. I think he is mirroring you, but i suspect he is not genuine. I am not surprised you are upset and are starting to see through it all.

Eatentoomanyroses · 16/12/2022 13:00

Don’t be daft. He’s just a cheating user. Organising your sock draw would be a better use of your time than sleeping with this low life.

fatsocatso · 16/12/2022 13:11

OP, if you didn't know he was still living with his wife for the first two years, didn't you think it was odd that you were never invited to his home? Did you ask why not? Or odd that you didn't meet family and friends in all those years? I'm sorry, as i suspect the responses on here, whilst telling you what you've suspected, must be difficult to hear.