Is he using me | Mumsnet

RubySlippers18 · 2022-12-16T10:43:00+00:00

Ok so been seeing this guy nearly 3 years. Got together unexpectedly and all through 2020 he completely showered me with love, he wanted a home, a future with me, we have amazing sex life, went on walking adventures up mountains everywhere and he said I was the double of him. He said he loves me to bits and wanted to do so much with me. But after 3 years he has no idea what he wants, we still don’t live together, we see Each other now and again when he’s free but maybe twice a week during the days. Said he's in love with me and taking it as it comes but times we get together are great. Lately I wish we were a couple but he wont do it cos he separated but not apart and after a lovely cuddly session after intimacy I asked "do you wish we were a couple sometimes, go do stuff, see stuff together etc" he said yes of course & I asked why aren't you sure what you want yet and he said "taking it day by day, don't know what I want, I may just pack up and leave one day (joke) or and go exploring. I'm taking life as it comes - so I finally broke down and started crying. I said why does everybody I date want me for intimacy but nothing else, I'm tired of it now. He dated and married his 1st 2 partners but after 3 yrs he still can't decide if he wants me or not. What is wrong with me? He hugged me and said has to many commitments etc and have lots of feelings for you, hate discussing serious things because takes fun out of it. Was I right to finally break down and cry or should I just act like I don't care its just fun no relationship. But everyone I've dated does this to me and I'm just tired. I also asked him would it be easier if I weren't here & he said it would be one less thing to worry about - Tondy Lyn Avery we are compatible we are so much alike and get on so well its like he's the double of me. And he said when we got together he wasn't happy in his 1st relationships cos they were nothing alike and they just didn't get on. He said I was his soul mate & his rock but he just won't say anything about our future

TheShit · 16/12/2022 10:47

Yes, sorry but I think he is using you - you can do better and you deserve better. It must be painful to be treated like this, and you'd honestly feel so much better and more confident without him.

Bard6817 · 16/12/2022 10:49

Sorry but i think he’s just using you.

On the off chance he might have deeper feelings for you, take a break from him to give him time to figure out if he wants a proper relationship or not. But it doesn’t look to me like he wants anything more than non comiittal fun.

GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 10:50

I'm sorry. I can actually feel how upset you are and I don't intend on making you feel worse but the reality is that this man has 2 failed marriages behind him, of course he will be cautious about a third commitment. You sound like an interesting and confident person with an adventurous soul. You're probably also attractive and have no problems attracting guys. I think it's possibly that you choose guys that are realistically unavailable for anything serious and committed and you give them too much time of your life, waiting for them to choose you instead of giving it a much shorter time frame and moving on when things aren't going in the direction you want, you stay too long with them, hopeful.

I think if you want to have children, you need to take dating more seriously and if the guy isn't ready to lock it down in 9 months to a year if you are in your 30s then you better move on and it's important to avoid these hippy, wanna go and explore types much as the sex with them is usually amazing.. these guys are exciting and spontaneous but bad news if you want a family and settling down.
He is simply not on the same time schedule as you if you want children. That's the unfairness of biology! He can afford squandering five years dating and travelling around, we women can't if we want to have our own bio babies.

You know what you need to do.

Watchkeys · 16/12/2022 10:53

The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.

If you thought you were a catch, you'd never put up with being fobbed off like this, and would have left to find a better partner years ago. It's up to you to make yourself happy, not someone else. So, you have to take responsibility for yourself and put yourself in situations/with people that you feel happy with. Currently you're choosing to stay in an unhappy situation, and that's on you: he's allowed to be indecisive, he's allowed to decide day by day what he wants to do, he's not responsible for you.

Original poster

RubySlippers18 · 16/12/2022 10:55

GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 10:50

I'm sorry. I can actually feel how upset you are and I don't intend on making you feel worse but the reality is that this man has 2 failed marriages behind him, of course he will be cautious about a third commitment. You sound like an interesting and confident person with an adventurous soul. You're probably also attractive and have no problems attracting guys. I think it's possibly that you choose guys that are realistically unavailable for anything serious and committed and you give them too much time of your life, waiting for them to choose you instead of giving it a much shorter time frame and moving on when things aren't going in the direction you want, you stay too long with them, hopeful.

I think if you want to have children, you need to take dating more seriously and if the guy isn't ready to lock it down in 9 months to a year if you are in your 30s then you better move on and it's important to avoid these hippy, wanna go and explore types much as the sex with them is usually amazing.. these guys are exciting and spontaneous but bad news if you want a family and settling down.
He is simply not on the same time schedule as you if you want children. That's the unfairness of biology! He can afford squandering five years dating and travelling around, we women can't if we want to have our own bio babies.

You know what you need to do.

He already has kids from his first two marriages so he’s the settling down type. I don’t understand why he love bombed me so much for a whole year and now not interested

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imnotsickbutimnotwell · 16/12/2022 10:59

Yes it sounds like he love bombed you at the start and is just using you. If you want a committed relationship that is going somewhere then this is not it. Time to move on because you clearly both want different things.

Watchkeys · 16/12/2022 11:01

How does having kids with partners you're not with anymore constitute being 'the settling down' type? Who has he settled down with so far?

You don't have to understand why he lovebombed you and now isn't interested. You'll never know what's going on in someone else's head, and if you did, what good would it do you? Go where you're happy, and leave where you're not happy. It's life's simplest rule and if you follow it, you'll spend much more of your life feeling happy. Take responsibility for looking after your emotional self, instead of wondering why someone else isn't taking care of you. You're an adult. It's your life. Take charge, unless you want someone else to be the reason you lead an unfulfilled life.

GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 11:03

I know it's hard to get everything down when you type up a post on a forum but I don't understand how he is joking about picking up and going off traveling when he has children.. is he not in their lives that much? You don't have to answer, i'm just wondering really...

I suspect he love bombed you because he is the romantic impulsive type that likes being in a couple. His feelings may well have been genuine when he did and said those things just that... he is fickle and indecisive.
I've known those wishy-washy men and they can be so incredibly dreamy and romantic they make you feel like anything is possible but then they withdraw and change. Very frustrating, hurtful and confusing!💐

GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 11:05

@Watchkeys beautifully said, very wise advice. 💞

Emmamoo89 · 16/12/2022 11:06

You deserve better x

Afreshstar · 16/12/2022 11:14

The fact he already has two ‘baby mothers’ is a massive red flag, if you have none yourself you shouldn’t even entertain a man who has form for not remaining with the mother of his children. Please raise your standards and realise your worth.

I’m so sorry that none of the men you’re with have seen your value and that can be hurtful and a blow to your self esteem, but that’s a reflection on them not on you. The right one is out there but doesn’t sound like this man is it at all.

Btw you said he’s separated but not apart - is he still married and /or living with his ex?

Ijuststoodonlego · 16/12/2022 11:16

Every other poster said it better.

Focus on yourself now and don't waste a second more on him 💐

minticecreamisjustok · 16/12/2022 11:17

He just wants you around for now, by avoiding wanting to make plans for your future, he doesn't want to.
It's not you, this man going by his track record doesn't stay with anyone for the long haul, married twice before and that still didn't make him stay.

Original poster

RubySlippers18 · 16/12/2022 11:22

GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 11:03

I know it's hard to get everything down when you type up a post on a forum but I don't understand how he is joking about picking up and going off traveling when he has children.. is he not in their lives that much? You don't have to answer, i'm just wondering really...

I suspect he love bombed you because he is the romantic impulsive type that likes being in a couple. His feelings may well have been genuine when he did and said those things just that... he is fickle and indecisive.
I've known those wishy-washy men and they can be so incredibly dreamy and romantic they make you feel like anything is possible but then they withdraw and change. Very frustrating, hurtful and confusing!💐

Yes I think that’s what it is, he was like the double of me and we just got in so brilliantly. He like my best friend & he’s called me his best friend lover and soul mate & whatever life throws at us he will be there. But He’s so up anD down, one day he wants me, next day he doesn’t know. Then he says I love you so much you keep me going etc but doesn’t make a huge effort. Sometimes he does and 8 think oh great he’s back then he acts like he can’t be asked and I’m just aaargh. Think I’m scared to walk away from him cos if we were together properly it would be amazing cos we have same interests and same adventurous outlook. But then he’s no5 willing to go the whole thing, just in tiny bits.

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Original poster

RubySlippers18 · 16/12/2022 11:24

Afreshstar · 16/12/2022 11:14

The fact he already has two ‘baby mothers’ is a massive red flag, if you have none yourself you shouldn’t even entertain a man who has form for not remaining with the mother of his children. Please raise your standards and realise your worth.

I’m so sorry that none of the men you’re with have seen your value and that can be hurtful and a blow to your self esteem, but that’s a reflection on them not on you. The right one is out there but doesn’t sound like this man is it at all.

Btw you said he’s separated but not apart - is he still married and /or living with his ex?

Still living with her (because of daughter whose 18)

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Thingsdogetbetter · 16/12/2022 11:26

What does 'separated but not apart' mean? Do you mean separated but not divorced from his last wife? If so I'd suggest they have de-separated around the time he stopped be available for anything other than a few times a week during the day at his convenience.

You got loved bombed to get you hooked. It's not an indication of true love or a future. And it did, cos for the last 2 years you've been accepting crumbes and day time sex with only a hope that it'll change. Hope is the worst thing in a relationship- it makes us suckers.

Original poster

RubySlippers18 · 16/12/2022 11:29

Thingsdogetbetter · 16/12/2022 11:26

What does 'separated but not apart' mean? Do you mean separated but not divorced from his last wife? If so I'd suggest they have de-separated around the time he stopped be available for anything other than a few times a week during the day at his convenience.

You got loved bombed to get you hooked. It's not an indication of true love or a future. And it did, cos for the last 2 years you've been accepting crumbes and day time sex with only a hope that it'll change. Hope is the worst thing in a relationship- it makes us suckers.

Yes that makes sense…….. a lot 🫤

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Thingsdogetbetter · 16/12/2022 11:30

Wow there's a drip feed. He's still living with his WIFE! You're the OW ffs.

Mari9999 · 16/12/2022 11:31

As sad as it may be for you, this man's past suggests that he should take things slowly. He has 2 failed marriages and children with 2 different women. He probably has satisfied any need that he has to be married or have any more children. If he is offering you good company, affection, and respect, he is probably giving you the best that he has to give.

Why, with his track record , would you want more from him? Do you think the 3rd time will be the charm?

He is not leading you on; he is telling you exactly how he feels at this point in his life. If you want different things, you will need to find a different man. He is not using you. He is far more honest about where he is emotionally than many men would be.

GerbilsForever24 · 16/12/2022 11:34

But he's not actually separated or divorced from his wife and he's hiding you? You're the other woman? Surely you know that?

notapizzaeater · 16/12/2022 11:37

Why can you only see him during the day ? Red flags all over this ! Is he actually separated ? He sounds still married

Sparklfairy · 16/12/2022 11:40

GerbilsForever24 · 16/12/2022 11:34

But he's not actually separated or divorced from his wife and he's hiding you? You're the other woman? Surely you know that?

This OP. I fear this whole situation is even worse than him being a bit of a commitment phobe!!

Monty27 · 16/12/2022 11:40

You're the other woman OP. You need to deal with it.

Greenfairydust · 16/12/2022 11:42

You need to end this because he is getting everything he wants from you (sex & emotional support on tap when he decides that he wants it with no intention to commit) while you are not getting your own needs met (a real relationship with a future).

You wasted 3 years on this man, don't let him use you any further.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are simply with the wrong guy.

I would say next time make it clear from the start that you are looking for a long term relationship and want a family and dump any man who can't give you what you want pretty quickly.

Don't stay longer than six months in a relationship that is going nowhere and where it is clear the guy has no intention to ever treat you like a long term partner that he can settle down with.

Original poster

RubySlippers18 · 16/12/2022 11:42

GerbilsForever24 · 16/12/2022 11:34

But he's not actually separated or divorced from his wife and he's hiding you? You're the other woman? Surely you know that?

I had an idea and I’ve asked him that and he’s been adamant no we co habit until he is daughter is sorted in a career

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