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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

544 replies

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 13:34

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

OP posts:
Climbles · 13/12/2022 15:08

I’m worried that you don’t seem to realise how ridiculous he’s being. If we were all allowed to behave like cocks because of past trauma most people would have way better reasons than an absent father and a cheating ex. It was an innocent email sent 14 years ago! How long is he going to torture you about it?

Jazz12 · 13/12/2022 15:08

To me it looks like he is desperate to pick fights. Is it possible that he is having an affair?

FrostyFifi · 13/12/2022 15:09

He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished

Oh OP really? Because he sounds anything but from what you've shared. How can he still be harping on about a non-event from a decade and a half ago? That's not normal or healthy behaviour at all. It's jealousy to a pathological level and extremely controlling.

One thing I will say is, if your marriage is destroyed, it's not you who destroyed it.

Original poster
ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 15:09

I don't want to escape the relationship, I want to fix the relationship. When the jealousy is at bay or when we're not discussing my lying we have the best time and best fun. It's when the jealousy comes in waves or the talks about my lies, that is absolutely not fun in the slightest.

OP posts:
Sampagne · 13/12/2022 15:10

DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance).

As someone in a 15-year relationship/9 year marriage, this is ABSOLUTELY NOT “normal”, or healthy, or even sane… who holds onto stuff this long?? Who doesn’t realise that sometimes you say stuff honestly thinking it’s the truth and it turns out to be a false memory and/or the details have got muddled? Who is so scared of their “perfect” partner’s reaction that they’re feeling physically unwell?

OP, you need some therapy to understand how completely batshit this all is, if you can’t see it yourself right now.

Ohhmydays · 13/12/2022 15:10

EddieHowesBlackandWhiteArmy · 13/12/2022 13:45

Yeah your DH is an asshole. You e done nothing wrong. And weren't doing anything wrong back then either. It is not normal to have to search for an email convo more than a decade ago to ‘prove’ something to your DH.

Sorry your putting up with op but You told him at the time he was just your bf about emails from ex. That in itself should have showed you respected him rather than not mentioning it. Either way he’s acting like the biggest dickhead about something from 14years ago!! Agree with all the other posters though

MysteryBelle · 13/12/2022 15:11

You need to watch the movie Sleeping with the Enemy. You still seem to have no clue what’s going on. Of course there are ‘good’ times sandwiched between the psycho meltdowns.

Original poster
ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 15:11

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 15:09

I don't want to escape the relationship, I want to fix the relationship. When the jealousy is at bay or when we're not discussing my lying we have the best time and best fun. It's when the jealousy comes in waves or the talks about my lies, that is absolutely not fun in the slightest.

I guess I'm still waiting for a reply from someone who sees it from his perspective rather than mine.

OP posts:
whataboutya · 13/12/2022 15:11

He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met

No he isn't.

Sakura7 · 13/12/2022 15:11

Please get far away from this lunatic OP.

So many red flags here. His jealousy over an email from 14 years ago is genuinely insane. This is a toxic, abusive relationship, don't subject yourself and your children to it any longer. If this is the behaviour modelled for them, they will repeat the cycle.

Imagine the freedom you'll have away from him.

TheShellBeach · 13/12/2022 15:11

I was so disappointed to read your update, although not surprised.

You have avoided going to places, avoided mentioning people, just to stop his reaction, which you fear.

You fear him.

You fear what he will say or do if you do or say certain things. Can you give examples of what he does when you slip up, and mention things you know will trigger his anger?

Is he ever physically abusive?

devildeepbluesea · 13/12/2022 15:12

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 15:11

I guess I'm still waiting for a reply from someone who sees it from his perspective rather than mine.

Show quote history

You’ll be waiting a very long time. Most people on MN aren’t abusive, controlling pieces of shit.

Sampagne · 13/12/2022 15:13

I guess I'm still waiting for a reply from someone who sees it from his perspective rather than mine.

Does it tell you something that we’re so many posts in and no one does yet? I’m not trying to be harsh, I’m really not, but hoping that you can see how your own perspective on this is skewed/being skewed by him.

ArabellaScott · 13/12/2022 15:13

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 15:11

I guess I'm still waiting for a reply from someone who sees it from his perspective rather than mine.

Show quote history

OP, like I said upthread; his motivations and reasons aren't what really matter here, nor what we are worried about. What we're worried about is that you are living a circumscribed life because of your husband's controlling and coercive abuse.

DirectionToPerfection · 13/12/2022 15:14

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 15:09

I don't want to escape the relationship, I want to fix the relationship. When the jealousy is at bay or when we're not discussing my lying we have the best time and best fun. It's when the jealousy comes in waves or the talks about my lies, that is absolutely not fun in the slightest.

You can't fix a controlling, abusive man.

Please take of the blinkers and start respecting yourself.

There's a reason nobody agrees with his perspective. He's a nasty prick.

TheShellBeach · 13/12/2022 15:14

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 15:11

I guess I'm still waiting for a reply from someone who sees it from his perspective rather than mine.

Show quote history

So far there have been zero replies from anyone who sees it from his perspective.

Everyone is telling you the same thing. Your relationship is unhealthy and your husband is being controlling. He has fine-tuned his approach over the last 14 years to the point where you believe you are in the wrong, even over the most mundane and trivial things.

Does he get physically abusive? Does he shout? Are you afraid of his temper?

Ponderingwindow · 13/12/2022 15:15

Your DH is being ridiculous. He shouldn’t care about you having a platonic exchange with an ex. He shouldn’t have cared 14 years ago. He definitely shouldn’t still be thinking about it now.

I still have friendly text chats with my XH. My DH is free to read the transcripts if he wants. He has never taken me up on my offer.

Original poster
ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 15:15

TheShellBeach · 13/12/2022 15:11

I was so disappointed to read your update, although not surprised.

You have avoided going to places, avoided mentioning people, just to stop his reaction, which you fear.

You fear him.

You fear what he will say or do if you do or say certain things. Can you give examples of what he does when you slip up, and mention things you know will trigger his anger?

Is he ever physically abusive?

I fear causing him to have a reaction that upsets him and provokes an uncomfortable conversation or argument. If I say something to trigger him he disappears down a dark hole and feels like crap and unworthy until I can eventually make him see sense. He says he doesn't think he's worthy of me or that he's not good enough.

He's only ever been physically abusive to the walls.

OP posts:
StickofVeg · 13/12/2022 15:17

I think your DH is completely unreasonable. Surely the 14 years you have spent together speak louder than some email to your ex. Your DH actually seems quite abusive to keep bringing it up - and he's putting this all on you, but it should not be like that. He's either ridiculously insecure or very abusive/controlling to make you go through that. Have you thought about the fact that maybe he is cheating on you and perhaps he wants to leave? Hence he picks a fight again?

Sausagelove · 13/12/2022 15:17

He says he doesn't think he's worthy of me or that he's not good enough.

And he’d be right.

Lanadoalot · 13/12/2022 15:17

Your husband is abusive OP. Someone doesn't have to hit you in order to be controlling and abusive.

Please open your eyes to it.

ArabellaScott · 13/12/2022 15:17

Abusive to the walls. Yep, that's deferred violence. Still scary.

Whydoicare88 · 13/12/2022 15:17

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 15:15

I fear causing him to have a reaction that upsets him and provokes an uncomfortable conversation or argument. If I say something to trigger him he disappears down a dark hole and feels like crap and unworthy until I can eventually make him see sense. He says he doesn't think he's worthy of me or that he's not good enough.

He's only ever been physically abusive to the walls.

Show quote history

He has very serious issues that he needs professional help with. You cannot fix those for him and it's not your responsibility to do so.

LazyJayne · 13/12/2022 15:17

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 15:09

I don't want to escape the relationship, I want to fix the relationship. When the jealousy is at bay or when we're not discussing my lying we have the best time and best fun. It's when the jealousy comes in waves or the talks about my lies, that is absolutely not fun in the slightest.

The fact you’re still blaming yourself (‘my lying’, ‘my lies’) in the face of the unanimous opinion that you are not the one in the wrong shows you’re in very very deep.

The problem is him. I hope you see it one day.

RottingAutumnApples · 13/12/2022 15:18

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 15:09

I don't want to escape the relationship, I want to fix the relationship. When the jealousy is at bay or when we're not discussing my lying we have the best time and best fun. It's when the jealousy comes in waves or the talks about my lies, that is absolutely not fun in the slightest.

Oh God OP no! If there was one thing I could tell every woman on earth it’s that you should never judge the quality of a relationship on how good it feels when things are ok.

The quality of a relationship is how well you are both able to talk and resolve things when you disagree/ things go wrong.
And your husband can’t do that. He just gets angry and you are put in the role of agreeing he is justified in being angry and seeking to appease him.

And you cannot fix things. That’s impossible.

Because he is the problem. And only he can fix himself. And he doesn’t even appear to realise he has a problem, let alone the motivation to fix himself, let alone the resolve to fix it.