My friend is sabotaging her health and I am finding it so hard to support her

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I am fully aware that I am going to get flamed for this, but I’ve put my suit on. I am so worried and sad for my friend but anything I, and her healthcare professionals say, is being ignored.

Her doctors have told her she needs a lifestyle overhaul to solve her particular health problem and she won’t listen, and actually is being cheered on by her online friends who claim the doctors are ‘fatphobic’.

I work in health myself and what she is experiencing is 99% down to her morbidly obese BMI and other lifestyle factors.

I know her weight is the result of depression and disordered eating. She’s a wonderful, wonderful person and needs help- but she isn’t engaging with it.

She’s at a private appt today for more scans and blood tests because of the ‘gaslighting’ NHS. The private sector is going to tell her the exact same thing.

She’s my son’s godmother. My lifelong friend. I love her to pieces. But the real world isn’t appealing for her any more and she’s too anxious to play a part in it. She spends her life scrolling body positivity and chronic illness Instagram and TikTok. She has built a large following about her ‘illness’ and this has replaced life.

I’ve tried to come at it from the health angle of encourage her to stop smoking, or reducing the drinking or ‘oh the weather is nice let’s go for a nice walk’. I haven’t spoke weight at all. Our one mutual friend who thinks the same I do has said she needs ‘tough love’ but I feel it’s pointless. We’ll lose her. I just want to help her but I can’t do anything because then I’m no doubt going to be another toxic gaslighter to go NC with.

Sorry but none of your business. She doesn't want to change and let her do what she wants. I used to smoke many years ago and nothing helped until the day something switched in me and since then (many many years ago) I have never touched a cigarette. Let her do what she wants please. I would find your interference terribly annoying and would end the friendship. I assume your friend is a fully mentally capable adult right?

She sounds very invested in her situation and without motivation to change. And it's not your business to change her even if that was possible, which it isn't. She's entitled to her view of the world and to make her own choices, even what you might consider to be unwise ones.
I'd probably try to focus on something completely different when spending time with her.....revisit areas of common ground to keep your friendship alive

You can't help her and it isn't your place to do so. As hard as that is.

Neutral conversations. Mind your own business - if you want to keep her as a friend.

She already knows and is in denial and looking for excuses not to deal with it, so no point telling her anything.

Until she's ready to deal with the causes of her self destructive behaviour she won't be able to stop. If you try she will see it as another 'attack' and double down.

I hear you OP, you care enough about her to want to stop her from destroying herself. And you are frightened of her dying. That doesn’t make you a bad person or nosey or interfering or any of the other things you will get called on here.
Unfortunately though, she is just not going to listen to you. She has convinced herself of her brand of reality. She’s not interested in the truth.
It’s going to be hard standing by and watching but that’s what you will have to do.

She has built a large following about her ‘illness’ and this has replaced life.

Not surprised. TikTok cheers on obese individuals. I can understand being concerned but if she won't help herself, you can't help her.

She's in denial and until that changes she won't change.

I have chronic illnesses and it really makes me cross when there's overweight people (okay obviously not all overweight people bring on their illnesses before anyone says anything.) abusing the system and taking resources away from those whom really need it when it could be easily improved with lifestyle changes.

I had a friend who was morbidly obese and blamed chronic illnesses and wouldn't loose weight - she dropped down dead at the age of 32 leaving behind her 5 year old son. It's very sad.

I would say just continue being her friend. Don't try to change her. If change is needed she has to want it. I know it must be very difficult for you. I have gained a lot of weight recently, I know this. It is affecting my health but advice from.friends won't make me change. The change will come when I accept this.

I’m reading all your messages- I just want to make this explicit:

I’m not going into moral panic about her weight gain. I’m not a mumsnet teeny tiny competitive eater who is fainting over her eating a WHOLE pizza. Under other circumstances I don’t really care if she smokes and drinks a lot, it’s her choice and we have our vices. However, the doctors have told her EXPLICITLY that the issue that she is experiencing is linked to her BMI and where the body fat is being stored.

She isn’t happy. She wants a wife or girlfriend. She wants to go on holidays. She wants to feel more confident. She feels like there is a problem to be solved. She has spent so much money on acupuncture, weird crystal woo people and postal blood tests before she found this hospital to take her on today. But somehow people have convinced her that the doctors are suffering from ‘small body bias’ (?) and they don’t want to uncover the ‘real problem’ because they are being judgement in assuming that it’s her weight.

Being judgemental* that should say.

She’s in an echo chamber & could be using food to self medicate for adverse childhood circumstances.

Theres nothing you can do though. She doesn’t want to hear it.

It sounds similar to if your friend had joined a cult; or was spending all their time and money on an MLM pyramid scheme. You can see that this is a bad idea; but I imagine you feel very powerless to help. I do wish you and your friend well.

I hear recently that without specialist treatment morbid obesity has a lower ‘cure rate’ than many cancers.

I think with your friend you treat it like Al-anon treat people with alcoholism. Can you suggest your friend that she finds a private counselling to help her deal with illnesses - perhaps that may help but it’s clutching at straws while she in denial?

If you want to retain the friendship I think you need to stop trying to save her.

I'd change the topic instantly when she goes down the doctors are not seeing the real
Issue here rabbit hole.

If she picks up on this, I'd say as gently as I could that there are different view points on this and as she is a good friend it's probably better to avoid the topic.

Actually that's really not going to help much <sigh>.

Part of being an adult is that you make your own choices and live with the consequences of those choices.
I suggest you avoid her since it's hard for you to see her making her own choices about her own body and life.

I would personally just carry on being a non-critical good friend to her, whatever the state of her health. If she's a wonderful person she must have a lot of good qualities that make you want to spend time with her. I don't agree with the parallels with drugs or alcohol addiction as that can make people very unpleasant to be around and it doesn't sound like this is the case with OP's friend.

But also some people are obese due to chronic illness or injury, not the other way round. And if lifestyle change was that easy then everyone would do it. Obviously it's not simple for some people.

I don't think there's much you can do. You could certainly tell her that you're very concerned and that you believe the doctors are right that she needs to lose weight. It's possible that hearing it from a friend will give her a jolt of reality. But equally possible, if not more likely, than she'll be upset and angry with you.

I dunno. I think it's worth giving gentle honesty a go. The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off.

I get where you are coming from. It’s like if she was an alcoholic needing a liver transplant refusing to give up alcohol saying ‘the doctors are alcofobic.’ I work in the nhs and the amount of people who won’t take responsibility for their own health is staggering. I can’t really talk because I am overweight and keep delaying the diet or making excuses. However, I accept that I am and don’t try to ‘wish’ it all away by insisting there is another solution.

I think all you can do is either confront her or ignore it, change the subject etc. Its unlikely she will change unless the symptoms/condition gets to a stage she gets frightened and will try what the drs are telling her.

I'm sure she knows deep down that her weight is causing her issues, surely?!

your friend has sought a second opinion in the private sector, let her get on with it. I don't think as a friend my friend's weight is something to comment on unless they start the conversation with me and ask for my input (e.g. on weight gain in menopause, chatting about shapes).

I agree with posters who say it’s none of your business (not in a rude way). My very good friend is also very overweight and her health is being compromised as a result. She’s a few years younger than me but body/mobility wise is much older. She’s a very intelligent woman but I’ve learnt to never mention her weight or its implications.

Nope. They are fatphobic. This is the hill she will die on.

She repeatedly tells them that she had these symptoms prior to the severe weight gain, but that’s because she has always been obese. I have never known her not to be obese.

i didn’t want to drop this- but I am the one being called to take her to A&E, bring care packages, do intimate care whilst ignoring barbed comments about my ‘heteronormative life’. I know it’s the depression and echo chamber talking so I give her quite a lot of grace.

So forgive me for being interfering everyone who clearly thinks I’m a nasty judgemental cow thinking about things which ‘aren’t my place’ to comment.

She's being a cow to you and expects you to wipe her arse?

This isn't a friendship.

i didn’t want to drop this- but I am the one being called to take her to A&E, bring care packages, do intimate care whilst ignoring barbed comments about my ‘heteronormative life’. I know it’s the depression and echo chamber talking so I give her quite a lot of grace

That's quite the dripfeed.