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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend is sabotaging her health and I am finding it so hard to support her

105 replies

LemonTopShop · 13/12/2022 13:33

I am fully aware that I am going to get flamed for this, but I’ve put my suit on. I am so worried and sad for my friend but anything I, and her healthcare professionals say, is being ignored.

Her doctors have told her she needs a lifestyle overhaul to solve her particular health problem and she won’t listen, and actually is being cheered on by her online friends who claim the doctors are ‘fatphobic’.

I work in health myself and what she is experiencing is 99% down to her morbidly obese BMI and other lifestyle factors.

I know her weight is the result of depression and disordered eating. She’s a wonderful, wonderful person and needs help- but she isn’t engaging with it.

She’s at a private appt today for more scans and blood tests because of the ‘gaslighting’ NHS. The private sector is going to tell her the exact same thing.

She’s my son’s godmother. My lifelong friend. I love her to pieces. But the real world isn’t appealing for her any more and she’s too anxious to play a part in it. She spends her life scrolling body positivity and chronic illness Instagram and TikTok. She has built a large following about her ‘illness’ and this has replaced life.

I’ve tried to come at it from the health angle of encourage her to stop smoking, or reducing the drinking or ‘oh the weather is nice let’s go for a nice walk’. I haven’t spoke weight at all. Our one mutual friend who thinks the same I do has said she needs ‘tough love’ but I feel it’s pointless. We’ll lose her. I just want to help her but I can’t do anything because then I’m no doubt going to be another toxic gaslighter to go NC with.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 13/12/2022 15:01

She is suffering from an illness, just not the one you and she are thinking of.

Read the book 'Why we eat (too much)'. It's so helpful to understand the drivers of appetite.

If you imagine hunger as being like thirst, or being uncomfortably hot or cold- it's really hard to ignore. It's right at the front of your mind. It's all you can think about. I need a drink, I'm so, so thirsty...

If you've accidentally drunk too much, you wee it away. If you've drink too little, your body pushes you to drink more until you're balanced again.

She's suffering from obesity. Her appetite, hunger and metabolism are out of whack. Her body's great at conserving energy, great at encouraging her to refuel regularly. She's in a vicious spiral of eating foods that trigger her to eat more foods.

Maybe you could read the book with friends and talk about it, in the hope she'll get interested too.

WinterBlanket2022 · 13/12/2022 15:01

I’d agree with others, if you can I would stay in her life. Just one person who isn’t an echo chamber will help her, if she ever decides to change.

I disagree with others in that of course it is your business, she’s your friend. But people need to be ‘ready’ to hear stuff and she isn’t. Also she may just hate you for it. And do YOU really need that kind of stress in your life?

I have had a few friends and family fade away from my life. Mostly because I drew my own line, around my own needs. That meant I didn’t want to listen to them and ‘validate’ their chronic illnesses all the time, I was happy to give a little time, but it had become their whole identity and their basis for interaction was that I had to agree with them, and had to agree that the health service were awful for not either validating their own diagnosis of themselves or whatever.

In short, some people are in a very toxic place for themselves but that can also be toxic to others. They could be really nice people, but as friends or family we can’t get dragged down into conspiracy theory territory. And sometimes that might mean that they reject us.

Original poster
LemonTopShop · 13/12/2022 15:07

Catspyjamas17 · 13/12/2022 15:00

i didn’t want to drop this- but I am the one being called to take her to A&E, bring care packages, do intimate care whilst ignoring barbed comments about my ‘heteronormative life’. I know it’s the depression and echo chamber talking so I give her quite a lot of grace

That's quite the dripfeed.

Its her bitterness, frustration, physical pain and unhappiness speaking. She has nothing to keep going, nothing that brings her joy apart from the likes and views.

I feel sorry for her, not aggrieved. Moaning about how she treats me wasn’t the purpose of the thread. I’m just frustrated with how people on here are acting like I’m considering commenting on something akin to my friends’s two week all-inclusive weight gain.

She is in constant pain which can be solved. It is absolutely the cause of her problem. I just wanted to vent here and make my peace with being absolutely unable to do anything to help her.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 13/12/2022 15:09

You didn't cause this and you cannot help this. It's ok to walk away.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 13/12/2022 15:10

I don't think there's anything you can do, except to set clearer boundaries about what you are available to do to help her.

A lot of people are destructive to their own bodies. Whether it's smoking too much, disordered eating or eating crap, drinking too much alcohol, not drinking enough water, even doing extreme sports. It's not anyone else's business to interfere with.

callingeveryone · 13/12/2022 15:11

"Tough love" does not work. There is a lot of research to show it just makes people more depressed.
People need support and for their life to be happier.

callingeveryone · 13/12/2022 15:13

She is a lonely older lesbian? I can see how that must be hard. Older lesbian or gay peo0ple were brought up at a time when being gay was very stigmatised. People internalise that shit.

Catspyjamas17 · 13/12/2022 15:14

I’m just frustrated with how people on here are acting like I’m considering commenting on something akin to my friends’s two week all-inclusive weight gain

I'd have had quite a different reaction though now knowing you were being asked to run her around, provide personal care and being verbally abused for it. I wouldn't bother with someone who behaved towards me like that. From the OP it could have been someone you go to the pub with, that's what I do with my friends.

Unikeko · 13/12/2022 15:20

You can't fix her, but you can support her.

I think you need to work on your boundaries for your sake.

SweetSakura · 13/12/2022 15:25

Doctors spent several years telling me to get fit and lose weight pl to solve my health problems. I knew it was more than that (because the problems arise first when I was slim at fit). They constantly told me I wasnt I'll because my blood tests were fine.

My amazing husband believed in me throughout thankfully.

Finally an optician spotted that I have myasthenia gravis, and it since been confirmed that I am hypothyroid too.

Not saying your friend is right here. But also some GPs are fatphobic. I have found them much less supportive since my symptoms caused me to gain weight and lose fitness.

Original poster
LemonTopShop · 13/12/2022 15:25

callingeveryone · 13/12/2022 15:13

She is a lonely older lesbian? I can see how that must be hard. Older lesbian or gay peo0ple were brought up at a time when being gay was very stigmatised. People internalise that shit.

She’s 27

OP posts:
callingeveryone · 13/12/2022 15:27

@LemonTopShop Then I think it is very unlikely at her age that being fat is the main issue.

Lilgamesh2 · 13/12/2022 15:33

You are being a very kind and loyal friend to her.

Perhaps you need to emotionally disentangle a little? i agree with others that you can't help her.

It's a shame the NHS has to deal with so many people like her tbh.

Original poster
LemonTopShop · 13/12/2022 15:34

callingeveryone · 13/12/2022 15:27

@LemonTopShop Then I think it is very unlikely at her age that being fat is the main issue.

Are you an endocrinologist?

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 13/12/2022 15:36

Just let her get on with it a if she continues to abuse you just refuse to any
more help.

The culture of normalising and actually glorifying morbid obesity helps nobody, and puts huge strain on the already burdened NHS.
One day she might wake up to her issues and start working towards a more healthy lifestyle or she might not.
It's not your problem

callingeveryone · 13/12/2022 15:38

LemonTopShop · 13/12/2022 15:34

Are you an endocrinologist?

Show quote history

No. But plenty of people are fat at 27 and perfectly healthy. The issues usually come as you get older.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/12/2022 15:39

I’m sorry that so many people have told not to be ‘judgemental’ etc etc. I suppose they are excusing themselves from the necessity to care about other people.

However, I think it is true that there is not very much that you can do. I remember seeing a programme about very fat people in America, people who were bed bound and who needed oxygen to breathe, but who were able to persuade family and friends to go on feeding them. It is a pathology which is hard for those who are not afflicted to comprehend .

I suppose that you can only hope that some incident will push her into realising the truth of her condition, but I am not sure that this will happen. I’m sorry for your feelings of concern and helplessness.

picklemewalnuts · 13/12/2022 15:40

How do you think she became morbidly obese at such a young age, @LemonTopShop? There are likely to be eating disorders, trauma, family trauma or underlying physical illness.
It's quite hard to overeat yourself to immobility when everything else is in your life is in good order.

callingeveryone · 13/12/2022 15:41

Being judgemental does not help.
Do you think being judgemental helps alcoholics quit alcohol, or drug addicts recover?
Being judgemental simply makes people feel worse, it does not help them change.

ghjklo · 13/12/2022 15:42

i think sometimes external pressure, however well intentioned, can have the opposite effect. It certainly does on me, as far as things like drinking / eating etc go. Your well meaning words could be making her feel worse about herself and make her problem worse, as she will comfort eat to feel better, etc. Counter-intuitive as it is you need to back off. She is an adult and will come around to the idea of being healthy when she's ready, probably more likely to do so without it being forced down her throat.

Original poster
LemonTopShop · 13/12/2022 15:43

picklemewalnuts · 13/12/2022 15:40

How do you think she became morbidly obese at such a young age, @LemonTopShop? There are likely to be eating disorders, trauma, family trauma or underlying physical illness.
It's quite hard to overeat yourself to immobility when everything else is in your life is in good order.

Clearly someone who has read ZERO of my posts

i am VERY sympathetic of her weight gain and have known that she has always had her struggles and that disordered eating doesn’t come from nowhere

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 13/12/2022 15:45

I was morbidly obese for about 20 years, busy, active, working, volunteering.

I became ill and blamed myself for being fat and unfit. But Chronic illness struck me as a result of toxic stress. I've now lost the weight, exercise and eat well, but the underlying chronic illness is unchanged. I hoped it would go.

So basically I was fit and healthy but obese for 20 years, ill for 5 years, diagnosed and treated but still have the illness, regardless of having lost the weight.

FearofQueefing · 13/12/2022 15:45

I think all you can do is support her if and when she decides she wants to make a change. Ultimately, she's a grown up and deep down she will know her lifestyle is to blame. But change has to come from her.

There is, unfortunately, a certain sub-section of the Body Positive movement that is very invested in spouting incorrect and misleading information about the link between obesity and health. And accuses anyone who disagrees with them of being fatphobic. It's a particularly dangerous form of gaslighting IMO...

picklemewalnuts · 13/12/2022 15:45

picklemewalnuts · 13/12/2022 15:01

She is suffering from an illness, just not the one you and she are thinking of.

Read the book 'Why we eat (too much)'. It's so helpful to understand the drivers of appetite.

If you imagine hunger as being like thirst, or being uncomfortably hot or cold- it's really hard to ignore. It's right at the front of your mind. It's all you can think about. I need a drink, I'm so, so thirsty...

If you've accidentally drunk too much, you wee it away. If you've drink too little, your body pushes you to drink more until you're balanced again.

She's suffering from obesity. Her appetite, hunger and metabolism are out of whack. Her body's great at conserving energy, great at encouraging her to refuel regularly. She's in a vicious spiral of eating foods that trigger her to eat more foods.

Maybe you could read the book with friends and talk about it, in the hope she'll get interested too.

I've read yours.
Have you read mine?

SallyWD · 13/12/2022 15:46

There's nothing you can do. It's all down to her. It doesn't matter what YOU say or do, it won't make any difference. I know this after living with an alcoholic (my ex).
I know it's frustrating. My dear friend is 42, morbidly obese and has just been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and various other weight related conditions. I thought it would be the wake up call she needed but no, she's still eating insane amounts of sugary, fatty foods. It really scares me. I worry she'll have a heart attack. Food is her addiction, her comfort. She won't listen to me.