My friend is sabotaging her health and I am finding it so hard to support her

[LemonTopShop]

I am fully aware that I am going to get flamed for this, but I’ve put my suit on. I am so worried and sad for my friend but anything I, and her healthcare professionals say, is being ignored.

Her doctors have told her she needs a lifestyle overhaul to solve her particular health problem and she won’t listen, and actually is being cheered on by her online friends who claim the doctors are ‘fatphobic’.

I work in health myself and what she is experiencing is 99% down to her morbidly obese BMI and other lifestyle factors.

I know her weight is the result of depression and disordered eating. She’s a wonderful, wonderful person and needs help- but she isn’t engaging with it.

She’s at a private appt today for more scans and blood tests because of the ‘gaslighting’ NHS. The private sector is going to tell her the exact same thing.

She’s my son’s godmother. My lifelong friend. I love her to pieces. But the real world isn’t appealing for her any more and she’s too anxious to play a part in it. She spends her life scrolling body positivity and chronic illness Instagram and TikTok. She has built a large following about her ‘illness’ and this has replaced life.

I’ve tried to come at it from the health angle of encourage her to stop smoking, or reducing the drinking or ‘oh the weather is nice let’s go for a nice walk’. I haven’t spoke weight at all. Our one mutual friend who thinks the same I do has said she needs ‘tough love’ but I feel it’s pointless. We’ll lose her. I just want to help her but I can’t do anything because then I’m no doubt going to be another toxic gaslighter to go NC with.

Gosh this sounds so hard. Those online communities can be so toxic. I have chronic pain but I can't follow lots of them as it's very much of the victim mindset and I can't let myself think it's not capable of change.

I don't know what to suggest but to say you sound like a very kind, caring friend, she is lucky to have you and I hope she can see that.

Of course it isn’t

my snippiness is reserved from those who are assuming and insinuating that I know nothing about the root causes of obesity and think I’m on the verge of shouting ‘EAT LESS MOVE MORE’ in her face.

You haven't answered why you don't appear to have any boundaries in place. Why are you taking her to A and E and doing her intimate care? I would leave her to it. You can't help those who don't help themselves.

Because the definition of friendship is "someone I am willing to got the extra however many metres for" , until you realise you are 7km over your limit. It happens, nobody is really to blame. You just have to be aware and step back if necessary.

I get why you are frustrated.

But the reality that your friend might NEVER get to the same conclusion than you - that her pain will be greatly relieved if she looses 15kg. It might be because she was already in great pain when she was 15kg lighter 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ I dont know.

But she might never approach your health the way you do or the way her consultant expects her to. I don’t for my own health issues.

The only things you can do are

• to be there for her and listen
• hold your boundaries so you are not getting drained by it
• accept that she will dealing with her own HER WAY. You need to accept she might take the long route (or what looks like the long route for you). Or a completely route (even it looks crazy to you). She has been given plenty if infos from her consultants etc… but whatever she is choosing to do is HER CHOICE. You can’t judge her for that.

I agree @PestorPeston
I am sure that the OP is a very good friend. Which is also why she is getting frustrated.
Its always hard to see people you care about suffering. Even more so when it feels they are suffering needlessly

I think obesity is very complex. Or can be. It's not a simple question of people knowing they are fat and doing the necessary (eating less) to deal with it. I listened to a really interesting podcast with Dr Giles Yeo recently in which he talked about the issues very articulately - essentially, his point was that once you have become obese, your body is primed to be at that level and it's incredibly hard to change.

Also listened to the Dr Chris and Dr Xand podcast series in which one nagging the other to be healthier all the time only drove him to be more unhealthy.

Your friend knows she should lose weight for health reasons. She doesn't want to, or isn't ready to, engage with that. All you can do is be there for her in a non-judgemental, supportive way.

You don't have to watch her self-destruct.

DH has got a plethora of growing health conditions and I completely refuse to engage in conversation about/go to medical appointments because some of it could be eased by dietary changes but he won't do it. I'm T2 diabetic and have no choice other than taking responsibillity for my health especially with Dc and grandchildren. When I cook a healthy tea and he turns his nose up to go and get a takeaway instead, that's on him.

It's always a fucking first-time poster isn't it 🙄

The OP might have name changed. I would have.

Could you have a discussion with her about care/help? Don’t mention the weight/doctors but point out that she is needing more and more help. Outline what you would be happy to do such as visit once a week/food shop/ or whatever you would be happy to do. Then help her think of ideas to fill the gaps- carer to do personal care, cleaner, who would take her to appointments etc. Otherwise you run the risk of her constantly relying on you whilst treating you like shit and making stupid comments. Does she have a good support network (and I don’t mean TikTok followers.) Do you have a husband/kids? How much time a week are you currently helping her?

Sorry I just saw she’s your sons godmother. And she’s 27! Christ. She needs to take some responsibility and grow up with the catty comments.

You sound like a good friend who is trying to help but I think the help you are providing is enabling her to continue with her lifestyle. If she had to do everything herself then she probably would be motivated to lose some weight to make everything easier.
I am obese and have suffered with joint and muscle pains and am pre-diabetic. Drs haven’t outright said losing weight is the cause but have suggested that losing weight
could help. I listened and it really has helped but I don’t want people running around after me unless I really need it so felt motivated to help myself as much as possible.

I feel sorry for both of you. Your friend because she can't/wont face up to reality, and may have other factors that stop her from losing the weight.
I also feel sorry for Op. She obviously cares a great deal about her friend & must find it frustrating that her friend could potentially become extremely ill. I have a family member who is morbidly obese & has been in hospital with a suspected heart attack, can hardly get out of a chair, or climb the stairs, but still eats crap. Gentle suggestions of exercise, or even just ignoring the issue does not work. What I can say is that their partner is suffering. It's hard when someone that you love cannot help themselves, can't participate in normal everyday activities & will eventually need care. The partner of my family member has been diagnosed with depression with the above as a contributing factor.
I don't know what the answer is, but it's hard to walk away from someone you love.

For me, I would keep my mouth shut if and until she complains about "fat phobic" people or being unhappily single or whatever else. I would very gently tell her I love her and support her right to be herself however she chooses to be - and my actions show this (driving to A&E, intimate care etc). However, when she makes comments like this they do not match with her choice to go with the obese, body positive life. I want to support you but when you say comments like "XYZ" it makes you sound unhappy so I don't know what is best to do to support you. Can you please decide whether you are actually happy as you are and accept that this will come with health problems maybe beingade worse, and maybe being less social and less likely to get out and about to meet a gf/wife or whether you are unhappy and something needs to change a bit. I will support you either way but it is your life and I need to know what you want.

Maybe it's time to back off from helping her as much. Maybe you're enabling her to some extent?

I think when it gets to intimate care and that, she needs to be looking to get a carer, not leaning on friends.

Seems like time to pull back a bit and reset things to less involvement.

You sound amazing as a friend. If she were anorexic, or a drug user, or any number of unhealthy behaviours, we wouldn't participate in the person we care for fooling themselves into further disease. Somehow fatness has become a political/idealogical issue. Personally, I think I'd have to tell my friend, with love and kindness, I agree with the professionals. I'm not sure I could stand by and watch them pull the wool over their own eyes

My kids dad is in a similar position - my ex DP. We've been apart now for 6 years and I am watching him becoming disabled due to his morbid obesity. We were together over a decade and he struggled then, not just with weight but alcohol, drugs, etc. He's had a lifetime of complete lack of self care. I tried but failed and eventually left.

He is in his early 50s, can hardly walk, is so unfit he can't really do anything. Smells too. Sorry but it is true. It's sad but also makes me so frustrated. He has a heart attack about a decade ago. Kids were 2 and 6 and it was heartbreaking to see them visit him in hospital, crying, and he continued his life path afterwards. There's deep seated issues I think - he had a history of neglect (although subtle rather than really obvious).

Anyway, I can't do anything. He did, this week, actually talk to me about it and admitted he needed to tackle it. I fear he'll be in a mobility scooter soon. And sorry, it's not very kind, but it will be because of his poor lifestyle choices and I think it's desperately unfair on our kids.

With your friend. Probably nothing you can do in reality. Have empathy, but dont enable any of it. Difficult to watch, it's an addiction of sorts am sure, scarcity mindset...and I'm sorry for you and also for any criticisms you've had on here.

@Natty13 asking someone who is daily pain and clearly looking fir solutions (yes even if it’s the ones you, the OP etc… think are obvious) if they are happy is cruel imo

You sound like a wonderful friend and really she’s been very lucky to have even received diagnosis at such a young age as a fat woman.

but… I think the culprit here is toxic social media. It’s insidious and is obviously doing the very opposite of helping.

tbh as a fat woman I’ve tried hard to embrace the “FA movement” - but it’s never sat right with me.

I know mn has its moments - but on the whole its users are well-balanced and without an algorithm feeding our bonkers ideas insecurities.

id tell her to get on to the council and arrange a carer though!

I think the solution would be to get her off fucking tiktok - if you unplug the router, can she reach it? 😉

I find this attitude disgusting. You think overweight people don't deserve healthcare? We are human beings too you know.

I have been fat since childhood. The effect this has had on my self esteem has limited my life in so many ways, I can't even begin to tell you.

You literally carry it around with you, for every small minded person to see and judge you, every time you step out of the house. The shame and humiliation I feel, as an intelligent person, that I've never been able to lose weight and maintain it, you have no idea. You really don't.

I feel like I'm trapped in a prison of my own making, and even though I know in theory how to get out, I can't find the way.

It dominates everything. I wonder who I would have become, what I might have achieved in life, if this hadn't affected me so much.

Do you think I would have lived my life like this if it was so easy to remedy, as you suggest?

I guess if I get ill, I should just keep quiet and die, instead of seeking healthcare I don't deserve. One less fat person taking up space in the world.

OP, I hear you. My sister had "conditions" related to her morbid obesity and was also told losing weight would effectively cure her. But she didnt want to change her lifestyle, she enjoyed surviving on takeaways and sweets and just got bigger. She also gravitated to all the body positivity stuff as justification for being overweight.

Our family kept saying her weight would kill her. She ended up dying at 43, suddenly, due to a cancer directly related to a high fat lifestyle. We'll never know if the cancer was caused by it, but we also know the doctors said her body was far to unhealthy to manage any interventions so she was immediately put on palliative care and died 2 days later.

Do you do her intimate care because you love her?

She likes holding on to her obesity, because she would rather that than any alternative.
For whatever reason that turns out to be.

I know one morbidly obese woman who was sexually abused as a child.
Not sure if anyone else knows.
Wasnt sure what to do with the information when she told me, other than support her.

She is a professional woman, so decided she could get information and help if that was what she wanted to do. She may have done for all I know.

Dear OP I totally get where you are coming from. I have similar situation with a very close family member. In fact her whole family is overweight and she just recently had two major operations for problems that were mostly result of the extra weight. I cannot talk to her about it directly but I do hint every now and then that she should look into her diet and the way of life to see what needs to be changed. She keeps saying she is changing, she is eating different and moving more but this is not true. She is literally lying to me and herself at the same time. I too wish I can shake her out of her denial because I clearly see where this is going, but I just cannot talk to her about because I know she will get upset. I agree with the rest of the people that you (and I) need to keep out of their business. Be good friend and support where you can, but keep your boundaries. Take care and all the best to you.